Signs of CM: Creeping Mania

Hello Friends!

All of you gals are interesting people. This is my first time to post a comment here, so, if I appear to be a bit doh'!, that is part of the reason.

I've been up for 24 hours straight, but the reason for me is that I am a writer (fiction), and I am working on my second novel. It's a lot of work for one person. I never would have known what a hard job it is. However, I enjoy it and I can feel the excitement brewing when I visualize (Oh What A Happy Day!), that day is definitely going to be. I feel excitement coming over me now as I chat with you all about it. This project including my first book are one of my goals I've set for myself.

I have been working on the latest for the last six years. Off and on, I've had to put it down because I didn't get time for me very often, as I was doing good to keep up with a energetic 56 year old husband, who always had to be going somewhere or doing something, every waking moment and who thinks he's 40 something, he says he doesn't feel 56, (good for him). I don't feel my age either, and I am 47, and I really don't look it either which I thank my mother for inheriting her good genes. We traveled a lot during racing season. He's been drag racing for almost 39 years, maybe longer. Let's just go with that because ... (I don't have my calculator nearby) ha ha ha!

Everything revolved around the husband. Yep! Hey I loved traveling the racing circuit with him, but after so long, I felt I needed to do something for me, because my self-esteem wasn't improving much on account of my time wasn't my time. Taking time out for me wasn't an option.

However, despite me getting a little resentful at times, I felt like our relationship was at a good strong level, I mean we have been together for 12 years, married six of them. I worked on gearing us towards me not having to go and do every little thing with him all the time.

So, in the last year and a few months, some of the races I stayed home, and I would meditate and do some much needed personal reflection so, I could get re-aquainted with me. Well, it backfired! And I am here to tell you, just when I think oh this is great, finally there is promise of some sort of balance in my life, when the freakiest thing happened.

On December the 5th, 2007, this was on a Wednesday because we were eating pizza, and was going to watch a movie. See Wednesdays was our date night. Anyway, I had taken a bite of pizza, and it was baked perfectly this time, when he told me he was thinking of separating because we did not have anything in common anymore.

I can only imagine the expression on my face. I sprang up off of the couch, dropped my pizza back on my plate and heading for the bathroom. That hit me so hard I began crying uncontrollably. I don't think I've ever in my life felt so confused and hurt. I mean my emotions ran amuck! Next thought was, oh this is just great for my self-esteem and depression. I have problems with anxiety attacks (they can get scary at times) following with a boat load of depression.

I finally settled down some, and oh my gosh, I became so unbelieveably mad at him, at the whole thing. My blood was boiling. I was thinking to myself, who in the heck does he think he is anyway? And the audacity of him. First thing I thought was that the old accident proned dim wit has gone off and hit his dang head again, Oh he keeps bruises and sores on his body. How he does it, I'll never know. (and the truth is I don't give a Jimmy Crackcorn how or why he's always banging himself up) ha ha Oh and you wonder about his longime favorite thing to do is racing his dragster? Well believe it or not, he does know how to handle himself when he's sitting in the cockpit of his race car. Funny huh? He does know his business when it comes to racing, working on his car, (which I used to get down and as greasy as the next guy when I travelled with him. That is hard work. And after so many years it became overbearing in s way. He was the one who really got anything out of it. Not me. And when I wasn't working on the race car, I was cleaning or cooking, maybe both. I was a fine maid. (that's what I felt like anyway)

Well, back to the divorce drama, the sneaky thing went behind my back a few days later, and filed for divorce, and and I found out about it when my friend came over and said; "You didn't tell me you two were divorcing"! Again, instantly I felt the blood just rush to a point of becoming light headed. I thought I'd better sit down and get my head together. I thought, 'what a coward!'. I did not recognize him, his behavior nothing about him or the whole situation made any sense. And, far as I know he's not seeing anyone. But, I will tell ya this, the most important thing to him is money. It's like a game for him. He's good at making it, and he's as tight as they come, I mean stingy. SO I thought well, maybe he's coming into some money and he doesn't want to have to share it with me. Well that thought had also occurred to a few of my friends.

Well, as I mentioned before we are going through the motions, and I'll just be grateful when it's done and all behind me. But the good thing that is coming from this mess is my writing. However For reasons not totally clear to me now, I feel really good about my latest work. The first one is a great one too, but, after I finished it, I just felt like I needed to put it down and put some space between me and the first book. I needed to step away from it, because this little voice in my head (my conscience) (I wanted to make it clear that I do not suffer from MPD's) haha keeps saying it's not quite ready, and I feel that it just isn't right there. So, when I am done with this current project, I am going to go back over my first story and do what ever it takes to feel 100% good about it, to get it marketable. I believe it already is a marketable item, but, I do know I'd regret it if I didn't go back through it.

Well, I'm going to have to go to bed. I believe I've unwinded some Thank you. And if I can be of any help to anyone, well I am a nightowl. Thank you for listening.

P.S. It may not seem like it but, my point does have to do with tonight's topic. Recap: I do have problems with anxiety, and sometimes resulting in terrible attacks, which I don't know if you know what that feels like, so I'll tell you, it's no fun. I feel like I cannot breathe, my mind races, and a 100 different emotions are like exploding inside of me all at the same time, pulling at my emotions every which a way, and afterward I am left totally drained, feeling weird, sad, and thinking about things Ihave no business hashing up. And of course they are negative thoughts. Then here comes the depression. So, somewhere in my story that I shared with you all, it's in there...somewhere..

Thanks again and have a wonderful day! I hope the sun shines ever so brightly and that you all have the best Sunday!

Posted by: Deb | May 18, 2008 6:41 AM

he sounds like a selfish man. every thing was fine when you were doing what he wanted to do,but when you wanted to become your own person,he turned his back on you.rise above it & be comfortable with who you are.all we truly have is ourself,so we need to love ourself & treat ourself like we would a good friend -with understanding.have fun with your writing.it`s good therapy.good luck.you are not alone.love,Boo

Posted by: Boo | May 20, 2008 4:00 AM

I've been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder a few years back after I got a hold of my personality disorder (like 3 faces of eve) with more like sybil. N E ways I am going thru something right now it is I feel more than manic or creeping manic I just finished my second college degree and I have no job and no money so I am at home just on this computer all day and night neglecting my hubby really. There is a reason for that a whole different story I am trying to keep from getting depressed and suicidal just the thoughts but nontheless I need a friend cause I don't have any I am sexually frustrated cause I prefer not to have intercourse with my husband I have nightmares of crazy stuff that is related to my past I would see someone but I've been in and out of therapy for the past 25 years to the point I find the theropists today just a tad slow and ignorant so U shy from them too I need someone to talk to that is mature and really knows what I am going thru without telling me what I should do cause believe it or not I am well aware of the surroundings in my life but Itoo know that there is a time and a season for all things I just need adult mature conversation and support cause I really have none. That is why I feel I am sexually misplaced cause that's how I felt in the past but I am a grown woman now 42 to be exact, so is it someone out there who empathize with me enuff to email me or something? glendamonges@yahoo.com HOPE TO HEAR FROM U SOON!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by: Glenda | June 12, 2008 6:12 PM