I think I'm getting stronger. I may in fact be growing in my recovery from depression and anxiety and addiction.
Because I'm getting angrier more often.
For a long time, I had no temper because I never demanded respect for myself. I didn't like myself. So whatever anyone was willing to give me was much appreciated.
But lately anger is chomping away at my insides, just like Cecilia Munoz writes about in her poignant essay "Getting Angry Can Be a Good Thing," one of NPR's "This, I Believe" collection of commentaries:
Anger has a way, though, of hollowing out your insides. In my first job, if we helped 50 immigrant families in a day, the faces of the five who didn't qualify haunted my dreams at night. When I helped pass a bill in Congress to help Americans reunite with their immigrant families, I could only think of my cousin who didn't qualify and who had to wait another decade to get her immigration papers.It's like that every day. You have victories but your defeats outnumber them by far, and you remember the names and faces of those who lost. I still have the article about the farm worker who took his life after we lost a political fight. I have not forgotten his name – and not just because his last name was the same as mine. His story reminds me of why I do this work and how little I can really do.
I am deeply familiar with that hollow place that outrage carves in your soul. I've fed off of it to sustain my work for many years. But it hasn't eaten me away completely, maybe because the hollow place gets filled with other, more powerful things like compassion, faith, family, music, the goodness of people around me. These things fill me up and temper my outrage with a deep sense of gratitude that I have the privilege of doing my small part to make things better.
I think something is happening in the process of writing Beyond Blue, and as a result of all the work I'm doing in counseling and in recovery groups. I'm starting to think that I'm worth more than the crumbs I get in some of my relationships—that I should ask for a little more in my friendships, because the giving is a tad greater than the taking. I'm guessing that if a person insults me that I shouldn't feel obliged to be her friend; and that my best friend (besides my husband and God) can actually be me. In fact, even if everyone woke up tomorrow and everyone—even the Starbucks barista--hated my guts, I could still treat myself with respect. Because I am owed respect.
"I believe that a little outrage can take you a long way," Cecilia Munoz writes. Now that I'm this codependent people-pleaser is beginning to fill up her center, I can see how Munoz is right.
Outrage. That's what I'm after. To love and believe in myself so much so that I am outraged when people treat me without respect.
Amen.
To read more Beyond Blue, go to www.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.
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Today I am very anxios. I am starting my first day of trying to stop smoking. I also am trying to busy myself to keep my mindoff cigarettes, but it seems as though the more I try the more I need something to keep me together. But with GOD's blessing I am going to make it through this day.
to joan bellagio: have you ever met an undocumented alien? have you even traveled outside the borders of this country to a non-resort area? if you had done this and put yourself into the shoes of those people who want to live here in the USA, well i think you might have a different perspective.
i, for one, would consider emigrating rather than immigrating to america, as i feel that our current conditions are not nearly as people-friendly than some other countries in europe, in terms of health insurance; retirement; quality, access and costs of higher education; and job security. open up your eyes and see the world. open up your heart and see others as you see yourself. then your perspective might be different than it is now.
dear therese:
thank you so much for the posting. it was timely. i have recovered, finally, from an abusive relationship and breakdown (6 years ago this july). well, anger is the last thing that i realized that was missing in the process. now, i can get a little angry sometimes. it is more healthy to express and let it go, like a tea pot lets go of steam. this way, it does not get stuffed somewhere inside, repressed. anger turned inward results in depression, i think. maybe that is why i used to be depressed. well, when i was little, i just let it out as it came, and never had any problems. so, i am going back to that healthy way of life. being natural... however, we can express the anger in a way that is healthy and balanced.
thank you for your blog!!
yes. i feel the same way. as my self worth is going up, my anger is rushing forward to protect what is mine, what I want and what i need. i see it this way, if i don't take care of myself, if i dont become a full functioning human being then who's the one getting into all these relationships. then who's the brother, who's the friend, who's the son that is getting angry. it's me. anger helps define who you are and it is so beautiful when it does.
peace and anger to all!!!
I have not vented lately, but I need to sound off today.
First, there were two females that I helped, they both took advantage of my kndness. You hear every day that if a person sees that you are a giving and caring individual, they will try to get very close to you. Well, one has three children (twins and a 10 yr old), she conned me into helping her out in finding some monetary support because she was behind 2 months in her rent. It all boils down to my church supported with some money, and she thought that the check was going to made out to her, but it was not. The other one took my kindness for weakness also. I was giving her lots and lots of clothes that were size 4. Then I told her that I needed to know what to do about my sound chip in my cpu. She said she would ask her IT person at work. He told her to tell me that he would give me a complete computer. What she did was take what he gave me, and gave me her cpu and speakers. I was totally through with her. I told her about herself. She is an alcoholic, and lies through her teeth. She is a functional alcoholic. I was tempted to call her job and say she stole those items from the job, tell them that she is a drunk. I changed my mind, I am letting GOD take care of both of them. The drunk, I miss her little dog(I fell in love with him), and she knows this, so, she thinks that she is hurting me. I know the LORD will remedy that for me.
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