Good point, Therese!
I am reaching for a point of view that lets people be whatever they want or need to be. Sometimes it’s hard not to let myself get dragged down, too, but my job is to monitor my own reactions and no one else’s.
Great post!!
Love ya,
Karen

I think everyone knows I’m a spiritual straddler, as Bnet puts it.
So in my pre-Ana days (actually, many years ago) when I was urged by many friends to try E-Harmony, I was constantly bewildered when E-Harmony would try to “hook me up” — repeatedly — with women who were devoutly religious.
As in, “I’m saving myself for the right man (I’m divorced), I want lots of kids (I don’t want any), I want to live a G-dly life (I’m still trying to figure out what that even means), I want to be a homemaker (some would actually say “housewife,” a term I don’t like),” etc.
Apparently my Jesuit education, referred to repeatedly in my answers, showed through to the algorithms on the site, without any of the nuance that I didn’t always BELIEVE what I was writing — just that I believed it was thought-provoking and worth CONSIDERING in one’s spiritual life.
To complete the thought of the Four Agreements, sometimes I would get mad at the women, when I should have been getting mad at the E-Harmony Web server. These days, I’m sure they were wonderful people who went on to great journeys in life.
Just not the journey I want to take.

Yahoo! Personals also lets you set judgemental preferences, and these are shown on your profile under What I’m Looking For (or something similar — it’s been almost 2 years since I was on it). I’m amazed people want to be so picky about all this physical stuff when the heart and soul are what truly matters.
–Brian
P.S. Met one girl there, dated her, married her — 15 months, headed for Happily Ever After.

Hi Therese-
Thanks for the post. I found a terrific guy on Match. He suffers from depression and anxiety AND he is sweet, caring, wonderful, smart and he makes me laugh. When I am sad or stressed, he comforts me. I am do my best to convince him of all he adds to my world. Some days-too many days-he can’t see his worth. Your blog has definitely helped me to understand him better and to be better able to support him. Thanks so much!

Great post! I felt like crap after I was rejected from E-Harmony and I knew it was because I said I was depressed. It’s absurd to make me feel like an outcast who doesn’t deserve love because I’m not the happiest person in the world. I’m strong enough to deal with it, but others in my position may not be and may be deeply affected by rejection from such a narrow minded site.

Thank you for writing this post, Therese! I have enjoyed reading your articles, particularly the ones about the Self-Esteem File, and this one brings up good points about how people in general have been choosy and judgmental about people without getting to know them. It’s sad to think that society has reduced communication to a list of “Must Haves” (as E-Harmony has each person create upon signing up).
Although I’ve experienced some of the same disappointments others have with E-Harmony and similar sites, the flip side was that I learned a little more about myself by signing up and going through the motions. I found I wasn’t ready for a relationship at that time, so I moved on. I still use the questions from the profile to take a “snapshot” of myself now and then. I know that when I meet the right person, it won’t be based on solely some “wish list” of ideals that no person can entirely match up to.
Again, thank you for your post…and for all you’re doing to help raise awareness about depression and similar disorders.~~Robin

i signed up with e-harmony about a year ago or more. first they said that my profile was not a match for anyone. i apparently should not have been honest about some things i was going through. then they only sent me fundamentalist christians even though i checked all religions. i responded to a couple, but only one ever returned the message. biggest waste of money i ever made.

Re Judging others
Here is a quote from the old Mormon Prophet Brigham Young
How often it is said “Such a person has done wrong, and he cannot be a Saint, or he would not do so.” We hear some swear and lie; they trample upon the rights of their neighbor, break the Sabbath by staying away from meeting, riding about the city, hunting horses and cattle, or working in the canyons. I say to you Do not judge such persons, for you do not know the design of the Lord concerning them; therefore, do not say they are not Saints. What shall we do with them? Bear with them … Judge no man. A person who would say another is not a Latter day Saint, for some trifling affair in human life only proves that he does not possess the Spirit of God. The conscientious might be upset by Sabbath-breaking. But the creative become upset with the conscientious “because they don’t care about people.” Everyone is judging everyone else and Satan laughs. Brigham has wise counsel for anyone who looks on others judgmentally or condescendingly. Think of this, brethren and sisters; write it down, that you may refresh your memories with it; carry it with you and look at it often. If I judge my brethren and sisters, unless I judge them by the revelations of Jesus Christ, I have not the Spirit of Christ; if I had, I should judge no man. If I have the Spirit, I would judge no man! God says that judgment and vengeance are His alone (Mormon 8:20). (Discourses of Brigham Young, p.277 p.278, emphasis added)
We all have to make judgements of assessments of others in order to decide how to deal wih them. If this person trustworthy or will they cheat me? Is it safe for me to trust this person? Although the Bible says “Judge not that ye be not judged” probably the best we can do is not to rush into forming judgements of others.
Joseph Smith (another Mormon Prophet) said “Satan flatters us that we are being very righteous when we are feeding on the faults of others. There is no salvation for us in dwelling on and drawing attention to the faults of others.The nearer a man gets to god, the more inclined he will be to have compassion on others and cast their faults behind his back. ”
Hugh Nibley (yes, ANOTHER Mormon, dang it !!) said “Will you or I dare to ask God which people we are to love and which we are to hate? Which to deal fairly with and which to cheat? Which to speak the truth to and which to lie to? Which to be kind to and which to be cruel to? We cannot make a bad person good by pulling a trigger – If men are to overcome evil in this world, they must be alive to do it – shooting them solves nothing. (Hugh Nibley)
Tricky stuff,judging people.

Terrific post. Thanks so much for it.
I’m currently in law school, and in order to become an attorney in my state, you not only have to pass the Bar exam, but you also have to be deemed of fit character for the profession by way of an application and interview process. One of the questions on the required character and fitness application is whether the applicant has ever suffered from mental illness. While answering this question in the affirmative does not completely bar an individual from being licensed as an attorney, it DOES mean that the individual will be forced to undergo a probationary period upon receiving the license.
For a person who has struggled with anxiety and depression for so long, such as myself, going through law school is stressful enough. But to find out that, even after jumping through all of the hoops that law school presents, the goal that you have worked so hard to reach still can’t fully be yours until you further prove yourself is very frustrating.
Whether for the purposes of a entering a relationship or for the purposes of allowing or disallowing entrance into a person’s career of choice, casting judgment on the basis of assumptions can truly be life-altering.

i tried christian mingle and have yet to get any responses.so i have experianced the judgeing first hand and it can be very cripplpeling to a person who allready has low self esteem.

Therese,
I’d like to share an Indian (Native American) saying that is close to my heart.
Do not judge a brother or sister until you have walked a mile in thier moccassins.
I enjoy you and your site. I am currently in a depression and totally understood where you were, about trying to push yourself to get up and going. Look happy on the outside even though on the inside right now we are a wreck! Even though I do not know you personally, I feel as if I know you…our spirits are kindred spirits! I want you to know how much you are admired, appreciated and loved.
Someone in Texas loves ya! Mary Anne

It always amazes me that people quote this particular scripture so freely while ignoring the sixth capter of Corinthians I where we are instructed to judge! I think, after much contemplation, it is the purpose of the judging thatgets us into trouble rather than the judging itself. We are absolutely not to judge for the sake of retribution; God reserves that right fot himself.W are, hoever supposed to judge in terms of how certain behaviors demean the spirit of Christ for the purpose of keeping the body’s image moral and love-filled. If we do not, nonbelievers will do it for us and find Christ Himselflacking. This is particularly true of sexual sin within the church because if accepted, it willspread throughout the body, thus demaning God’s temple(our bodies) We are given clear instructions on how to handle this kind of sin, the first and foremost of which is ascertaining if the sin truly does exist and is not jut a matter of rumor. Once that is done, we ae to admonish the sinner privately, one on one. If he(she) refuses to listen, we are to take others with us as witnesses before moving on to the final step, which is to bring it before the entie church. My study of the scriptues intespersed throught the New Testament that deal with this subject reveal that hypocritical judging is an anathema to God; thus the beam or mote in our own eye. However, ignoring sin within the body is tatamount to approving it.(A little leaven leavenrth the whole loaf) In this as in any other topic, it is necessary to seek out all the scriptures tht deal with it in order to get a true icture of the Bible’s stand. Not doing that leads us to an erroneous understanding of God’s will forHis people. As Paul frequently comments, God forbid! If we do not hold one another accountable, it becomes nearly impossible to tell who the Christians are and who the nonbelievers yet to be saved.
I do agree, Therese, thatusing the answers to a list of rather inane questions is certainly not the basis for determing another’s characternor their possible compatability wit ourselves. We are clearly instructed not to be unevenly yoked together with those who don’t believe or who have not yet been saved. And your experience with the scowling woman is a perfect example of judging without having all the facts. Her reasons for her countenance could be manifold and something(s) we can help to lighten. To dismiss any individual like that (OR a depressedindividual) out of hand is to ignore our first and foremostresponsibility of sharing the good news to all the world and win souls for Christ as one of your recent posts remindd us..

you needn’t depend on online dating to find your love in life. a few years ago, i sign up with sugarmommymeet. there are many handsome and charming men seeking successful women. they want to get love and start their new career.

Dear Therese – I read your article with great interest. I too have my downfalls. I went to Ehrmony and was absolutely taken back by questions ( I say insults to the human being) and even went to finish it all and I was turned down. Nothing negative on my part but how dare they when they don’t even know us, really. I did go to match.com and Yahoo personals (locally) I urge everyone to stay away from Eharmony. They have become quite biqoted.

To whom at eHarmony would we direct a complaint about this ignorance-based, discriminatory practice?

Thanks so much for your input regarding E-Harmony; I so agree. I feel that it’s the most negative match-making site I’ve ever seen.

You are guilty of a classic double-standard: You “judge” E-Harmony
for being guilty of “judging”! Amazingly, you seek to justify your
action with an appeal to the Bible! The Bible specifies a great number of behaviors as sinful. You apparently agree with what you believe it teaches against “judging”, but what of its teaching against
the items listed in Romans 1? (I could name them, but I hope you will
read them for yourself). What of these? Do you condemn these things?
(Pay special attention to the chapters concluding words).
Personally, I take no offense from E-Harmony nor from you. But I believe E-Harmony is correct; while your understanding of what the
Bible teaches about “judging” is not.
It is not “Judging” to recognize an act as sinful, or a person as sinful if he/she engages in that act. Nor is it “judging” to seek
association with people you are in agreement with, and to choose not
to associate with those you disagree with. “Judging” has to do with reading motives: it does not have to do with identifying behavior as right or wrong based on Scripture. More people take the “judge not” passage out of context than probably any other passage! I hope you will study this topic more. PS ( I rarely reply to people I don’t know. I really do hope I have at least caused you to think a little.
b.c.

Theresa needs to stop passing off second-hand information, exaggeration and oversimplification as the truth.
Yeah. “depression is one of the boxes that you can check to make sure you (presumably) don’t get a moody partner”.
It’s called a preference Theresa … and we are all allowed to have them. There are certain things that I “can’t stand” and certain things that I “must have”. There are a great many more things that I ready, willing and able to negotiate on. You don’t get to judge anyone for having reasonable preferences and then on BeliefNet that others are judging you because of your mental state. Per your own words, you are feel like a “victim” because you suffer from a “mood disorder”. That victim mentality isn’t attractive either Theresa, and that’s another box that an eHarmony member has the option of checking.
We all have areas in which we fall short of perfection … and other people have the right to choose to either be matched or not be matched with us based upon their tolerance of these traits.
I have all the compassion in the world for someone who is dealing with depression …. but you don’t get to make the decision me (or for other people) on what I (or they) may or may not find acceptable.
I don’t care about a partner’s height. I would date a dwarf just as easily as an average size male or someone in the NBA. I am past child-bearing age, so I have no genetic worries. I could care less how tall my mate is (or isn’t). I could care less what religion they are. I have a lot of negotiables in my life, and a very short list of things that are completely out of the question. And for a couple of those things; if a person presented their situation in a positive and pro-active manner … it could very well turn into something that was negotiable.
I guess your friend forgot to tell you that in the 2nd questions portion you would have the opportunity to say “I notice that you “can’t stand” someone who is depressed” and then go on to explain your situation and give the other person the opportunity to decide if your personal situation makes it negotiable to them. But hey … why let the truth and the actual process get in the way?
Where is Theresa’s outrage over photos being allowed on eHarmony so that you don’t get a partner who is physically repulsive to you? Or on selecting an age range? Surely she must also be outraged over the number of 23 year old females who are declining to be matched with 50 to 70 year old males!

Dearest Shar, I must add a question. What is the difference between judgement and discernment? It is an unfortunate thing that we must make an intelligent judgement based on past experience. How else do you discern between right and wrong? If you are to not repeat mistakes over and over then you must needs make a judgement. Call it by another word if you wish but it’s a harsh reality. What you choose to do with this knowledge is up to you. You can relay information with kindness in the hope of making a positive change…or be adversarial and vindictive. I would opt for the gentle way and educate rather than berate. Help someone up rather than slam them down…how about it?

To Barry Cunningham and Shar,
Nasty, nasty, nasty. Please refrain from sarcasm in the future. It is a particularly corrosive form of aggression.
On second thought, perhaps giving E-Harmony users the option of indicating they do not want to get together with anyone with depression is helpful. Because if someone is that averse to depressives, I certainly do not need him in my life.

Therese,
I feel everyone has a right to there own opinion. Although people can be judgmental. They like to judge things they don’t understand, I think we all do it to a point, we’re only human. I agree with Therese, I use to be afraid to tell people that I suffer from Depression thinking “WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO THINK”? Friends and family understand becaude they know me and love me for who I am. With the way the world it is these days, there is alot of pressure and stress. People don’t want to be around someone that may bring them down. They don’t understand that we can be the best people because I feel in order for us to get better and stay that way we have to look at ourselves, which alot of people don’t.

Shirley O’Shea,
Where is your condemnation over the fact that Therese provided false information with the clear intention of deceiving people about the eHarmony service and how it works? She presented second-hand information that is and was not true as absolute fact.
At the very least, she didn’t check her facts. At the worst, she outright lied. In either case, she doesn’t have enough honor to correct the false and misleading statements she made. When one is made aware that a “fact” they have presented is false … they have a duty and a responsibility to eiher retract or correct their statement.
She did neither.
I prefer sarcastic truth to pious lies served with a generous dose of self-pity any day.

Shar,
I find your attacks unnecessary… AKA not contributing to a solution(s).
What I know about e-harmony could fit on the head of a pin. But, the fact that there are national TV commercials based on large numbers of people who’ve been rejected by e-harmony tells me the process is obviously not built to be fair-minded to a large proportion of people seeking companionship.
That’s a whopping rejection – and anyone looking for companions, or even friendship don’t need additional heartache.
Yes, we all heed to make decisions about what works for us, or not. I could never abide someone who is harsh, prejudiced, or cold, or judgmental. But then, no one will ever see themselves in such a negative light; probably too busy justifying their harshness, prejudice, and judgmentalism.
Therese made a lot of valid points; one being, judging others is never justified.

Therese, I don’t want to date a person with a mental disorder, period. Were I using Harmony.com to find my soulmate and this wouldn’t be cleared out then this would be give me enough reason to take them to task.
Now why are you all so huffy and offended to hear it that it’s no picnic accepting someone with a mental condition? So what if Harmony doesn’t ‘do’ this? Is Harmony.com the ONLY way to to meet another person? Are we that despondent or decadent that we rely on the internet or on dating sites to meet people?
And Shar has also been discussed and criticized in Therese group, at least the group she created “BEYOND BLUE”. Some of those posters are really hypocriticalI’ve to laugh out loud over your comments here and at Beyond Blue, mostly due to the way Therese begins this entry citing one of the Lord’s disciples “Judge and ye shall be judged”…and that’s exactly what you’re doing people! And why is it that you feel so huffy and accuse Harmony of ‘stigmatizing’ your condition? Read the stuff you post and tell me if you’re not doing a great job of helping them stigmatize your conditions—Some of you seem to have a great amount of free time in your hands, maybe you’re wealthy and don’t need to work or you are on some kind of disability, if so then those of us working stiff are helping you with you, we work and pay taxes, so do a lot of those folk using Harmony to meet a mate, they’re too busy working to spend time in the internet making connections or meeting our soulmates.