Dear God,
In today's reading, Matthew writes this in his seventh chapter (verses 1-5):
Jesus said to his disciples: "Stop judging, that you may not be judged. For as you judge, so will you be judged, and the measure with which you measure will be measured out to you. Why do you notice the splinter in your brother's eye, but do not perceive the wooden beam in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove that splinter from your eye,' while the wooden beam is in your eye? You hypocrite, remove the wooden beam from your eye first; then you will see clearly to remove the splinter from your brother's eye."
Phew. Jesus sounds mighty ticked off. And I can see why, but doesn't everyone judge just a little? I mean, it's how you make your world safe. Sort of. You invite into your inner circle only those whom you totally trust and respect. Kind of. And in order to get there, you have to do a little bit of judging. Or let's call it speculation.
In the spiritual classic, "The Four Agreements," Don Miguel Ruiz explains why we make so many assumptions because "Make No Assumptions" is the third agreement that supposedly leads to personal freedom:
We have to justify everything, to explain and understand everything, in order to feel safe. We have millions of questions that need answers because there are so many things that the reasoning mind cannot explain. It is not important if the answer is correct; just the answer itself makes us feel safe. This is why we make assumptions.
Assumptions and judgments are also part of any courtship--of a friend or a romantic partner. By necessity. You know what you like and want in a person. So you seek that. But how wrong we are so much of the time in our assessments because of our unfair judgments and assumptions.
An example.
Yesterday a friend was talking about the selection process of possible partners on E-Harmony, the online dating service. Before communicating directly with someone, you go through layers of questioning/interviewing, where you weed out the folks that have character traits or personal attributes that you wouldn't tolerate. Like ... height (or lack of it), weight (lots of it), or depression.
Huh?
Yes. Depression is one of the boxes that you can check to make sure you don't get a moody partner. My friend had checked it, and when I asked her why, she explained, "I'm not talking about someone like you, who is proactive about her health. I don't see you as depressed. I'm picturing a guy who has a victim mentality, who can't get up out of bed."
"Okay, I see your point," I explained. "But that's really unfair. That's like having checked off living with a person who is diabetic, or who has cancer. How do you know that person isn't your soul mate, or the one who might make you happiest of all? I know what you are saying with the victim attitude stuff--a person can get stuck in negativity--but the hopeless that a person feels when he is depressed is also a symptom. Do you understand that?"
I wasn't angry at her. Because she was just communicating her opinion. But the fact that you could eliminate depressed folks - THAT did make me angry - just like when I heard the Chinese government does not allow anyone taking antidepressants to adopt their babies. Because it's not a fair and accurate representation of persons with mood disorders, and it may very well prevent some wonderful relationships from forming.
All because of assumptions. And stupid judgments.
The other day I caught myself judging a stranger I passed on the sidewalk without any information of her situation.
I had just finished working out at the Naval Academy, and she, a groundkeeper, was walking in for work with a fierce scowl on her face.
Geeze, lady, lighten up, life isn't that horrible, is it? I wanted to say.
And then I realized that I had no right to say that whatsoever because she may very well be in a lot of pain, and I should pray for her, instead of inciting a smile. Moreover, it was reminiscent of the judgmental statements people made to me during my excruciating hours of the severe depression two years ago: "Why don't you TRY to be happy." Or, "Do you WANT to get better?" Or, "All of us have to work at our thoughts, you know."
At that moment, I realized why I had made that judgment to the woman. It was that I was feeling pretty crappy myself, but I was trying to do my best to get on with the day and bury my head and thoughts into work. I wanted to wear a scowl too. So I was angry that she was wearing one and not trying as hard as I was.
I was angry and disappointed and frustrated with myself. That's where the judgment came from. And that's almost always the source of judgment and assumptions, says Ruiz:
We make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we judge, and abuse the way we abuse. This is the biggest assumption that humans make. And this is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others. Because we think everyone else will judge us, victimize us, abuse us, and blame us as we do ourselves. So even before others have a chance to reject us, we have already rejected ourselves.I think that's what made me so angry about the E-harmony selection process (not that I'm looking! I swear!): I feel like it's so hard to love myself and accept myself for who I am, and then along comes E-Harmony with its list of negatives--obesity, laziness, shortness, depression--and I fall back into the trap of thinking I am unlovable because I suffer from a mood disorder that on some days, YES, makes me feel like a victim!
But not with you, God. I know you love me as I am--and would totally ignore all the boxes on E-Harmony because they absolutely don't matter. Boy, did Jesus nail down the lesson on judging with his disciples.
I will certainly remember that the next time I'm tempted to tell someone to try on a smile. And I will tell all SINGLE friends to go to Match.com, because their selection process isn't as complicated. And unfair.
To read more Beyond Blue, go to www.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.
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To Barry Cunningham and Shar,
Nasty, nasty, nasty. Please refrain from sarcasm in the future. It is a particularly corrosive form of aggression.
On second thought, perhaps giving E-Harmony users the option of indicating they do not want to get together with anyone with depression is helpful. Because if someone is that averse to depressives, I certainly do not need him in my life.
Therese,
I feel everyone has a right to there own opinion. Although people can be judgmental. They like to judge things they don't understand, I think we all do it to a point, we're only human. I agree with Therese, I use to be afraid to tell people that I suffer from Depression thinking "WHAT ARE THEY GOING TO THINK"? Friends and family understand becaude they know me and love me for who I am. With the way the world it is these days, there is alot of pressure and stress. People don't want to be around someone that may bring them down. They don't understand that we can be the best people because I feel in order for us to get better and stay that way we have to look at ourselves, which alot of people don't.
Shirley O'Shea,
Where is your condemnation over the fact that Therese provided false information with the clear intention of deceiving people about the eHarmony service and how it works? She presented second-hand information that is and was not true as absolute fact.
At the very least, she didn't check her facts. At the worst, she outright lied. In either case, she doesn't have enough honor to correct the false and misleading statements she made. When one is made aware that a "fact" they have presented is false ... they have a duty and a responsibility to eiher retract or correct their statement.
She did neither.
I prefer sarcastic truth to pious lies served with a generous dose of self-pity any day.
Shar,
I find your attacks unnecessary... AKA not contributing to a solution(s).
What I know about e-harmony could fit on the head of a pin. But, the fact that there are national TV commercials based on large numbers of people who've been rejected by e-harmony tells me the process is obviously not built to be fair-minded to a large proportion of people seeking companionship.
That's a whopping rejection - and anyone looking for companions, or even friendship don't need additional heartache.
Yes, we all heed to make decisions about what works for us, or not. I could never abide someone who is harsh, prejudiced, or cold, or judgmental. But then, no one will ever see themselves in such a negative light; probably too busy justifying their harshness, prejudice, and judgmentalism.
Therese made a lot of valid points; one being, judging others is never justified.
Therese, I don't want to date a person with a mental disorder, period. Were I using Harmony.com to find my soulmate and this wouldn't be cleared out then this would be give me enough reason to take them to task.
Now why are you all so huffy and offended to hear it that it's no picnic accepting someone with a mental condition? So what if Harmony doesn't 'do' this? Is Harmony.com the ONLY way to to meet another person? Are we that despondent or decadent that we rely on the internet or on dating sites to meet people?
And Shar has also been discussed and criticized in Therese group, at least the group she created "BEYOND BLUE". Some of those posters are really hypocriticalI've to laugh out loud over your comments here and at Beyond Blue, mostly due to the way Therese begins this entry citing one of the Lord's disciples "Judge and ye shall be judged"...and that's exactly what you're doing people! And why is it that you feel so huffy and accuse Harmony of 'stigmatizing' your condition? Read the stuff you post and tell me if you're not doing a great job of helping them stigmatize your conditions---Some of you seem to have a great amount of free time in your hands, maybe you're wealthy and don't need to work or you are on some kind of disability, if so then those of us working stiff are helping you with you, we work and pay taxes, so do a lot of those folk using Harmony to meet a mate, they're too busy working to spend time in the internet making connections or meeting our soulmates.
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