June 2008 Archives

Dear God,

Today was Peter's big day as recorded in the Gospel of Matthew (16:13-19):

When Jesus went into the region of Caesarea Philippi he asked his disciples, "Who do people say that the Son of Man is?" They replied, "Some say John the Baptist, others Elijah, still others Jeremiah or one of the prophets." He said to them, "But who do you say that I am?" Simon Peter said in reply, "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God." Jesus said to him in reply, "Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah. For flesh and blood as not revealed this to you, but my heavenly Father. And so I say to you, you are Peter, and upon this rock I will build my Church, and the gates of the netherworld shall not prevail against it. I will give you the keys to the Kingdom of heaven. Whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven; and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven."

Theologically speaking, I guess this is the day the pope was made. But for the sake of our journey through depression, I'm going to concentrate on this question of "Who do you say that I am?" Because I still haven't figured that out, God. And in highlighting Peter's correct response, I think (this is my opinion, of course) that you are telling us what makes for a good leader. This chapter in Matthew is your version of "7 Habits of Highly Successful People." I came up with five, and here they are:

1. Truthfulness. Choose your words carefully.

Peter didn't say, "You are the Christ, dude!" just to appease Jesus, even though he does come across as a tad of a people-pleaser. He seemed to wholeheartedly believe all ten words (probably more in Hebrew, right?) of his statement: "You are the Christ, the Son of the living God." He chose his words carefully. Just like he did when he denied Jesus at his death, but let's not focus on that today, the Feast of Saint Peter and Saint Paul.

Choosing and using words carefully--the first agreement of Don Miguel Ruiz's book "The Four Agreements"-- is especially important when putting out fires on an online discussion board. Beyond Blue reader/member Larry/Doxieman reminded all of us at Group Beyond Blue of that the other day. For Ruiz, the first agreement ("Be impeccable with your word") means this: *speak with integrity * say only what you mean * avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others * use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

As a writer, that commandment is bloody hard. But all leaders, and I suppose as moderator of an exploding online support group that puts me in that category, need a reminder of just how powerful our words are.

John Dear writes a wonderful reflection on this question that Jesus asks his disciples in this week's reading--Who do you say that I am?"--in his book "The Questions of Jesus: Challenging Ourselves to Discover Life's Great Answers":

But who do you say that I am? 

Some say this question is THE question of the whole gospel. After asking his friends who others say he is, Jesus asks them point-blank, "But who do you say that I am?" He asks this question with love, respect, and hope. The disciples have witnessed his miraculous healings, his liberating exorcisms, his dynamic preaching, and his warm presence. They know he is out-of-the-ordinary. At one point, they see him calm a violent storm at sea and literally silence the wind. But they do not know who he is. "Who is this that even wind and sea obey?" they ask each other in wonder and disbelief.

But now Jesus wants to know what they think. He wants to hear them name him, identify him, choose him. He puts them on the spot. "Who do you say that I am?"

At some point along our faith journey, Jesus turns to each one of us, as well, and asks us this same question. "Who do you say that I am?"

Each one of us needs to spend time with this question. We can imagine the gentle eyes of Jesus looking at us, smiling with his usual loving kindness, and hoping for our faith and loving affirmation. He knows who he is because he heard call him, "my Beloved." And he knows who we are, that God calls each one of us God's own beloved sons and daughters. But he knows too that we do not yet understand any of this, so he tries to draw us out, to lead us to the truth, to help us figure it out.

To read more Beyond Blue, go to www.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.

I'm somewhat of a competitive person in nature, which is, most of the time, a real liability. But last weekend this quality of mine came in handy.

I checked my work e-mail bright and early Saturday morning, and one had the potential of ruining my weekend, because it reminded me of the letter of "constructive criticism" my friends Angela and Karen handed me in the fourth grade. (You'd think I'd be over it by now.)

I obsessed about this e-mail for an hour, and then I decided to do the unthinkable: shut down the computer.

Eric and I loaded the double stroller with towels, sunscreen, Little Mermaid surf boards, and Ariel water wings, and headed to the pool, where we met a few of our friends.

"Hey, John," I said to the ex-marine we hang out with, "you're a good swimmer, right? Let's race!"

He shook his head no.

"But," he said, "I challenge you to swim underwater to the other side of the pool without taking a breath."

I looked at the one side, and then the other side, and thought it was at least 25 yards, maybe 25 meters. And there were tons of kids that I'd have to swim around--so the path would be longer than 25 years (or meters).

"Okay, I'll do it!" I said. Because I didn't want the ex-marine thinking I was a wuss.

The following is a summary of Dr. Beverly Potter's book, "High Performance Goal Setting: Using Intuition to Conceive and Achieve Your Dreams," on how to boost the power of your goals. Again, my only advice is to say that if this stuff makes you crazier, go for a walk instead (which is what I had to do for a long while).

But if you want to get serious about some goals, her seven ways to get started may be helpful:

1. Picture Your Goal Often

Imagine yourself in the goal state. Add details to your image of the goal. The more clear and positive your picture is of you being in the goal-state, the more compelling and powerful your goal will be.

2. Accomplish Goals Through Small Steps

Suppose your car has a dead battery and you must push it to get it started. The greatest effort to get the car moving is the first push. This is when you break the inertia and move the car from rest to motion. Once moving, it takes much less effort to keep the car moving.

If you're like many people, you often have trouble getting started moving toward your goal. The problem is inertia. You are a body at rest! You must break the inertia to get moving.

3. Take Small Steps

Set the objective for a small improvement over a short time period.

Begin at your current level of performance with the first objective, the proceed in small steps. Ask yourself for small improvements only.

It's similar to practicing yoga. In yoga, you assume a posture that you can do without undo strain, then you stretch a little bit. You don't demand too much or try to force yourself into a position.

Don't set yourself up to fail by demanding enormous changes.

I hate to disappoint you, but this post isn't about sex. You already know all the details on my sex life, (and if you need a review, you can click here to read my post "Sex Night: Beyond Blue Balls.") Of course, ever since I told Eric that Charlotte, the happy stay-at-home mom in "Sex and the City" has sex with her husband two to THREE times a week, he's been insisting we add one more night to "the schedule." I have been reminding him what a friend of ours said when he read that post--that in his house sex happened twice a year: January and July. Good thing July is almost here!

This post is about friendship. Which is what I think the movie "Sex and the City" and the series is all about. With some hilarious sex stories in between.

Last night I went with five of my girlfriends to see it, and I walked out of the movie theatre remembering why friendship is so important: a true friend keeps you honest with yourself, and honest with others.

I almost didn't go to see the movie because I had deadlines, like always, and was behind on my work, like always, and I was afraid that leaving the kids with Eric might do bad things to his personality--as stress can do. But I made myself go. Because friendships--making them and sustaining them--is crucial to my recovery program.

Friends keep me real, and hold me accountable.

Like earlier this summer when my friend Grace gave me instructions on how to let go of something that was obviously hurting me.

Like three years ago, when my friend Joani stormed through our front door on a hot September afternoon and told me to pack my bags for the hospital, because if I didn't she was sure I'd be dead by Halloween.

Like three weeks ago, when Michelle called just as I started to cry in a fit of anxiety that had me so scared I was going backwards, toward the Black Hole.

And three days ago, when my friend Priscilla told me to chill out on trying to be the perfect mom to David and Katherine--to take a breather and try to enjoy them every now and then.

I was really sad to read that so many Beyond Blue readers don't have four friends whom they could ask to compile lists of positive qualities in order to start a self-esteem file. It seemed that almost one-fourth of the...

Has your therapist recommended mindful meditation? If she hasn't already, she very well might try to integrate it into your cognitive behavioral therapy by the time you graduate from counseling. The New York Times ran an interesting piece about...

There was an interesting editorial in the New York Times last month (click here) about what to do when doctors err. All the malpractice suits has driven up insurance. Says the article: The willingness of doctors at several major medical...

Dear God, In today's reading, Matthew writes this in his seventh chapter (verses 1-5): Jesus said to his disciples: "Stop judging, that you may not be judged. For as you judge, so will you be judged, and the measure...

Here are my favorite excerpts from Don Miguel Ruiz's chapter on the third agreement (in "The Four Agreements"): The whole world of control between humans is about making assumptions and taking things personally. Our whole dream of hell is based...

I was recently invited by my parish, St. Mary's in Annapolis, Maryland, to write a reflection about the vocation of marriage. Since Eric and I are coming up on our 12th anniversary (this Sunday), it gave me an opportunity...

In the book that Mike Leach and I compiled, "I Like Being Married," we devoted a chapter to "In Good Times and Bad." My favorite story in that section is about a couple, Evander And Fotini Lomke, caring for their...

NPR features a collection of inspiring essays in a series called "This I Believe." On the plane ride to my college alma mater, Saint Mary's College (across from Notre Dame), for my 15-year reunion, I read through some of the...

Interestingly enough, when I shared my essay with my editor (Beliefnet's health editor) Holly, she said that she had written her own essay, as well. I was very moved by it. And thought you might be, too. In a...

Entertainment Weekly asked Angelina Jolie how she reconciles her former image (doing drugs, cutting herself, etc) with her current one (mom and humanitarian). She said: The reason I talked about going through certain pains or even cutting myself is that...

Also from Save the Assistant's Lilit Marcus comes this interesting nugget ... Dr. Drew, the psychologist/addiction specialist who runs the clinic on the TV show "Celebrity Rehab" said the following about Tom Cruise: A lot of people in the...

Dear God, In today's reading (Matthew 9:36--1:8), Jesus talks about harvesters: Jesus said to his disciples: "The harvest is abundant but the laborers are few; so ask the master of the harvest to send out laborers for his harvest."...

In "Happier: Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment" by Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D. (and thanks to my Guardian Angel Ann for sending me an autographed copy!): When we do not feel that we are worthy of happiness, we...

I don't know if you've heard but David Gibson, the award-winning religion writer who is the Catholic expert in most (okay, all) circles ever since he converted at the age of 30, is now blogging for Beliefnet! His blog, appropriately...

Since it is the Friday before Father's Day, and I wanted to dedicate a post to all the devoted fathers out there, I thought I'd share passages of a very cool book that my mother-in-law bought for Eric awhile...

Okay, so statistically speaking, there are more women than men who suffer from mood disorders. Having to do, maybe, with all the hormonal shifts we go through during our lives. Yes, PMS and all of it. But Group Beyond...

I think I'm getting stronger. I may in fact be growing in my recovery from depression and anxiety and addiction. Because I'm getting angrier more often. For a long time, I had no temper because I never demanded respect for...

Fellow blogger, Therapy Doc, has great post on anger. I've excerpted parts of it below, but click here to get to her entire post. It will have you fuming!!! (Kidding, of course.) There's another "new" development in therapy. New is...

There is a great discussion thread on anger started by Group Beyond Blue member Belleo that you can find by clicking here, or going to the group discussion board of Group Beyond Blue at Beliefnet Community. Thanks Belleo! To...

Dear Readers-- Due to a planned technical upgrade taking place on Wednesday June 11th, the Beliefnet Blogs will not display any new content, and commenting will be disabled. We aim to be back up and running by the end of...

One reason I drag my kids to Lothian, Maryland (about 20 miles south of Annapolis) once a month to visit Fr. Joe Girzone, author of the bestselling Joshua series, is so that they believe me when I tell them that...

I spent an hour last week telling my therapist that I wasn't a perfectionist, and that David's disabling perfectionism had nothing to do with my behavior. That's partially true. I'm not a perfectionist in that I'm a slob. My house...

Hara Estroff Marano suggests the following techniques in her article, "Pitfalls of Perfectionism," to let go of perfectionsim: Perfectionists fear that if they give up perfectionism, they won't be good anymore at anything; they'll fall apart. In fact, perfectionism harms...

Beliefnet is running a survey about its social networking site. Since so many of you belong to our group there, Beyond Blue, I thought I'd post a link to the survey that you can get to by clicking here. Thanks...

Dear God, In the Gospel of Matthew (9:9-13), we read: While [Jesus] was at table in his house, many tax collectors and sinners came and sat with Jesus and his disciples. The Pharisees saw this and said to his disciples,...

In light of the gospel readings this week, I thought I'd post this gallery by Toni Weingarten: 8 Ways Illness Can Be a Spiritual Practice. To get to it, click here. Here's the intro: Most people think of illness...

In this excerpt from a recent Depression and Anxiety Bulletin, medical editor Karen L. Swartz, M.D., one of the physicians who evaluated me in Spring of 2006, reviews 14 symptoms of bipolar disorder. Formerly known as manic-depressive illness, bipolar disorder...

If you haven't noticed already, I'm dedicating a lot of posts to the topic of humor lately. For two reasons: as I've said in so many posts, humor is central to my recovery, and second, to respond to those readers...

In the "America Fitness" article I quoted yesterday, I found a list of humor strategies by Joyce Saltman, a Gestalt therapist from Southern Connecticut State University, who believes laughter is a prescription for survival. Here are some of her recommendations...

I kind of hate to go here, but I need to for those who are EXTREMELY depressed and their loved ones. One symptom of severe depression is a lack of all self-care, and, in particular, personal hygiene. In retrospect, I...

I published this list of ideas on how to be good to yourself back in February when I celebrated "Pamper Your Inner Child Day." But I thought it was appropriate to revisit some of these ideas that come from Beliefnet's...

Of all my tools to combat depression and negativity, humor is by far the most fun. And just like mastering the craft of writing, I'm finding that the longer I practice laughing at life—and especially it's frustrations--the better I...

I found the following "Humor-Help Tool Bag" at the website www.learnwell.org, which you can get to by clicking here. As the paragraph suggests, sometimes you have to help the humor along. Most healing humor arises spontaneously out of situations....

So laughter can keep you happy and sane. It can also keep you skinny! That's according to Our Lady of Weight Loss. Eric has been reading her newly released book, "All Is Forgiven, Move On: Our Lady of Weight...

I want to thank Beyond Blue reader Margaret for mentioning that my "Dear God" posts are one of the reasons she keeps coming back to Beyond Blue, because, as you can imagine, these reflections are hard to write. They force...

While we're on the topic of breaking the ten commandments, here are a few thoughts on lying ... Experiments have found that ordinary people tell about two lies every ten minutes. I don't see how that's possible, as I've been...