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In “Happier: Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment” by Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D. (and thanks to my Guardian Angel Ann for sending me an autographed copy!):
When we do not feel that we are worthy of happiness, we cannot possibly feel worthy of the good things in our lives, the things that bring us happiness. Because we do not believe we actually deserve them, that they could really be ours, we fear their loss. This fear causes actual behaviors that lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy: our fear of loss creates actual loss; our feelings of being unworthy of happiness in fact lead to unhappiness.
A person who fears loss may protect himself by ensuring that he has nothing to lose. When we are happy, we have a lot to lose. To avoid the devastation of a loss, we exclude the possibility of any gain. We fear the worst and thus, from the outset, deprive ourselves of the best.
Even if we do find happiness, we might feel guilty because there are other people who are less fortunate. The implicit, and false, assumption underlying such sentiments is that happiness is a zero-sum game–that one person’s happiness (our own) necessarily deprives others of theirs. Williamson says, “As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” It is when we liberate ourselves from our fear of happiness that we can help others.
To read more Beyond Blue, go to www.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.
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Therese J. Borchard writes the daily blog, Beyond Blue, on Beliefnet and is a regular contributor to the award-winning blog, World of Psychology, on Psych Central. Therese is the author of Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes and The Pocket Therapist: An Emotional Survival Kit. Subscribe to Beyond Blue, visit her website, or follow her on Twitter @thereseborchard.
Meet others on the journey in
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Therese J. Borchard writes the daily blog, Beyond Blue, on Beliefnet and is a regular contributor to the award-winning blog, World of Psychology, on Psych Central. Therese is the author of Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes and The Pocket Therapist: An Emotional Survival Kit. Subscribe to Beyond Blue, visit her website, or follow her on Twitter @thereseborchard.
posted June 16, 2008 at 3:50 pm
That fear, and the guilt of every wrong thing I have evern done, has been my life. Hapiness horrifies me. I avoid it like the plague, because I know “the other shoe will drop”.
posted June 16, 2008 at 6:34 pm
I see other families appearing happy with all the other relatives. I envy that……..I thought I had it for years. Somehow my 3 adult children have made a change in the rulebook, that I don’t have.
I had alot of time shared with grandchild #1 & I still have, she is 19 yrs. old.
My child #2 has a 6 & 8 yr.old & they do lots of things as a family. That does not include me…….they say they are too busy.
My mother & other grandparents were always coming with us for anything the kids did. That is a family; but not now.
My child #3 has a 3 & 5 yr old & we get to sit with them. They will come play at our condo pool with thier Mom.
When I ask questions about their lives…………Why do you want to know!
I am on edge when we are all together; cry on way home. They know I have chronic depression, but I NEVER let them see that “me”. I just don’t answer phone calls until I have myself functioning.
posted June 16, 2008 at 8:11 pm
All this is fine, as long as we keep in context that we are speaking within an audience that has ACTUAL BRAIN CHEMICALS SUPPRESSING THE INSTINCT TO HAPPINESS.
Willpower alone ain’t gonna cut it.