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Here are my favorite excerpts from Don Miguel Ruiz’s chapter on the third agreement (in “The Four Agreements”):
The whole world of control between humans is about making assumptions and taking things personally. Our whole dream of hell is based on that. … Because we are afraid to ask for clarification, we make assumptions, and believe we are right about the assumptions; then we defend our assumptions and try to make someone else wrong. It is always better to ask questions than to make an assumption, because assumptions set us up for suffering. …
The way to keep yourself from making assumptions is to ask questions. Make sure the communication is clear. If you don’t understand, ask. Have the courage to ask questions until you are clear as you can be, and even then do not assume you know all there is to know about a given situation. Once you hear the answer, you will not have to make assumptions because you will know the truth.
Also find your voice to ask for what you want. Everybody has the right to tell you no or yes, but you always have the right to ask. Likewise, everybody has the right to ask you, and you have the right to say yes or no.
If you don’t understand something, it is better for you to ask and be clear, instead of making an assumption. The day you stop making assumptions you will communicate cleanly and clearly, free of emotional poison. Without making assumptions your word become impeccable [that, by the way, is the first agreement: Be Impeccable with Your Word ... and that's very hard when you write a few thousand of them in a day!].
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Therese J. Borchard writes the daily blog, Beyond Blue, on Beliefnet and is a regular contributor to the award-winning blog, World of Psychology, on Psych Central. Therese is the author of Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes and The Pocket Therapist: An Emotional Survival Kit. Subscribe to Beyond Blue, visit her website, or follow her on Twitter @thereseborchard.
Meet others on the journey in
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Therese J. Borchard writes the daily blog, Beyond Blue, on Beliefnet and is a regular contributor to the award-winning blog, World of Psychology, on Psych Central. Therese is the author of Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes and The Pocket Therapist: An Emotional Survival Kit. Subscribe to Beyond Blue, visit her website, or follow her on Twitter @thereseborchard.
posted June 23, 2008 at 10:59 am
Journalists are so cynical, I tend to forget that my journalism training to constantly ask questions is a good thing, not a bad one.
posted June 24, 2008 at 9:03 am
oN ASKING FOR WHAT WE NEED: iT’S TOO EASY IN ANY RELATIONSHIP OF VALUE(FRRIEND, LOVER, SPOUSE, FAMILY MEMBER) to expect the other person to rea d our minds and know what we need which sets us up for hurt and disappointment Even if we’ve at some earlier point been forthright about our needs doesn’t mean a little reminder isn’t necessary as situations rop up. If I need to be told I have inner beauty, I must remind you of that need duringour day-to-day dealings with each other. Just because I braved your derision once by explaining that nee doesn’t mean you’ll never slip up and forget, so I must be willing to put it out there whenever I’m feeling slighted. Yes, it’s a risk, but it’s more of a risk not to. The number of problems that arise because we aren’t quite willing to repet ourselves is phenomenal.Generally speaking, if we have a relationshipo that means that you’re willing to shore me up, but if I haven’t let you know that I’m feeling especially needy, I’ve no one to blame but self if I don’t get what I need from you.
posted May 4, 2010 at 4:27 pm
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