Some readers have said, "Clearly you're not THAT depressed. Maybe you know mild depression, but your upbeat blog posts and videos aren't for people with serious depression." In light of that, I thought I'd show you all what a bad...
wow T, you are a mighty strong woman. Thank you for sharing one of your bad days with us...God Bless you as you walk through the healing process......
valerie
June 30, 2008 5:28 PM
I believe you, I believe you, I believe you. I always have believed you. When you say you've been there, I believe it 100%. I didn't need to see it to believe. Often people think that because you can look a certain way or you're able to carry on your business, etc that you're not truly in the midst of a deep dark depression. They couldn't be further from the truth.
I ache for you.
Bless you for sharing this with all of us. You show yourself at your most vulnerable. Do you know how giving that is? I mean, really! To give ALL of us out here that gift--to show your realness and your vulnerableness--wow! I have tears in my eyes.
I completely understand where you're coming from. Many people do not even know that I suffer from depression because at times I AM able to hide it so well. But that isn't always the case as you have showed us. Sometimes we can't hide it. Sometimes we just choose not to show it. But it's there. It's REALLY there. You live it. You know it.
I am so happy for you that you have 6 different people/support systems that you can turn to that understand when you're feeling like this. Unfortunately, I'm not in "that place." I've grown up in an environment/community/ethnic/religious background where you're supposed to pretend everything is okay. It's all about appearances. So, to actually open up and admit your frailties or your imperfections or your illnesses or whatever is not too acceptable. I've tried to surround myself with some healthier people and people that DO understand. But I'm afraid that as a depressive and as one who has been hurt badly, it is very difficult to trust or feel safe with people.
Back to you--thank you. Thank you for sharing yourself at a time when you aren't feeling your best. I'm praying for you. It does end. You will not be in this place forever. Keep on keeping on. Do things to nurture yourself. Speaking of nurturing--I looked it up on line (googled it) and I came up with some 14 different pages of ways to nurture myself. Let that parent of your inner child not be critical of how you feel right now but be nurturing and let the little Therese know that it's okay. It's going to be okay.
Thanks again, Therese. Much love, Valerie
kate
June 30, 2008 5:28 PM
Hello....wow, i am so sorry that you're having such a rough patch. I am so impressed with your bravery and insight though, and you touched on something that I am currently struggling with, ie, could i have prevented this? is it my fault? what can i change to make it all better? i am very sick and tired of it being my fault! So thank you, and i sincerely wish you peace xxx
Elinor Dandrea
June 30, 2008 5:54 PM
I can certainly understand where you are coming from. Mental illness from my expreience, has no comparisons. However as much as I dont wish to compare pain.. I feel incumbant to share my experience as well.
My depression was zombie like. I on my best day, felt absolutely nothing. Feeling blue, for me, would have been an upper!
I went through that for 5 years. Living but not at all alive. Not a moment of happiness, or even sadness for that matter.
It wasn't until my husband was at the brink of disaster, with the loss of his income as well as the loss our home, that the hand of God lifted me out, and filled with with His Spirit.
It was as if, my hitting bottom wasnt enough, both of us were now going to have to suffer. Even the only place we had left our last sense of security was going to be taken away!
I had no reason to live, for I felt there was nothing left inside of me.
I had lost all my faith, so I truly had nowhere to turn. The depression was such, that although I had what others would see as the best of what the world has to offer.
I had nothing of myself, because I had lost my God.
I know it was'nt me who pulled me out of that dark place. I didnt even want to live? How could I get beyond something when I had nothing to draw upon?
I dont know why I'm sharing this with you, maybe only to say to others, that my salvation was not of my making. And even today, it remains a mystery as to how I was blessed by His Hand. However, I thought someone might need to believe, that all things in God, are possible, even when we have lost faith in Him, He somehow never gives up on us?
Larry Parker
June 30, 2008 7:25 PM
We love you, Therese -- me and ALL of us in the Beyond Blue community :-) :-)
Julia
June 30, 2008 9:26 PM
Oh, Therese. Hang in there, sweetie. You can make it.
Paul Pfaff
July 1, 2008 3:30 AM
Therese,
You are very brave for showing us this part of yourself. Thanks ...
Elizabeth
July 1, 2008 3:42 AM
Hi, Therese, I am thinking about you and I'm sorry you're in this hard place now. You're wisdom, strength from what you've been through will carry you through. It's wonderful that you share your pain and by doing so lessen others.
I am bipolar. These blips sneak up out of the blue and it's true that it's a chronic illness. Doctors/people/friends would ask how i could "pinpoint" what caused an episode. It's pretty hard and then one starts blaming. What you said really felt right. You're the first I've heard say that but it rings true for me. You did nothing to cause it. Be gentle and as nice as you can to yourself as you are with others and the waves of pain will eventually subside.
: ) It gets better. Hang tough.
Melzoom
July 1, 2008 5:56 AM
Thank you, Therese. I really needed this today.
really really really really needed this.
You are so dear and so precious.
Anonymous
July 1, 2008 6:51 AM
One of my favorite quotes is from the young poetess Nikki Giovani: "Mistakes are a fact of life. It's the rspose to the mistake that matters." For those of us with bipolar disorder, I think it's fair to substtute "Depression" for "mistakes." what differentiates a bipolar from a unipolar depression,IMHO is that you CAN'T pinpoit a reason for your ovrwhelming sadness. It's not necessarily a response to life,itIS our lives. Your comparison to a thunderstorm is apt, Therese. It put me in mind of a squall breaking over my beloved Lake Michigan. There's the line of dark clouds on the horizon and then within moments the wind has whipped the water into angry waves and the lifeguards are beckoning all swimmers out of the water to avoidthe strong riptides that can be extremely dangerous. The sun disappears behind those dark clouds that have left the horizon for the ovrhead sky and huge raindrops begin pouring down as if somebody has upended a huge watering can. Small boats that have ignored the brief warning are frequently capsized, dumping thir passegers into that very water the lifeguards have been frantically attempting to clear and pinickers scramble to get their meals under cover even though the wind makes that a dubious proposition. Everything from beach umbrellas to soda cans go hurtling down the beach never to be seen again as people scramble to their cars, cutting their beachtime short. Unfortunately, at least in my experience, depressions don't even give off that brief squallline warning. Suddenly they just ARE! Having been there, I know exactly how deeply you are hurting, Therese. My heart goes out to you even as it saddens me that you feel you must"justify" your depression to us. For an individual to judge someone else's depth of depression seems nothing less than outrageous to me. It's like saying the rainbow that YOU see is less beautiful than the one I spy arching acoss te sky or that you don't really know what love is like because you've never experienced it MY way! Balderdash! I'm so sorry that you've succombed to the snake pit, Therese, but am glad that even from that awful place you can adopt a "And this, too, shall pass attitude. That's an INCREDIBLY difficult thing to do when the black dog is holding you in its teeth and shaking you back and forth lie a rag doll. At least for me, that knowledge offers only the slightest bit of comfort because I know I have to experience it for a time before the sun will shine once more. Somehow the passing always takes longer than I anticipate, making it even HARDER to accept it as a temporary state of mind. You are SUCH a strong woman, Therese, and so filled with love for your fellow sufferers that you will lay even this highly personal battle bare for us to witness. Please know that I (and mot other B.Bers, I dare say, will be ifting you up in prayer that this bout be a relatively speedy one. (Notice I said 'relatively' because it's hard to gauge the time when you're cuddled up next to a boa constrictor watching a cobra flaunt its hood and a rattler shake its tail. Eery moment feels like a lifetime at that point. Pamper yourself, my friend, you SO richly deserve it. That's sometimes the ONLY thing that helps me no matter how many details of my protocol are in place. Call those special friends to whom you know you can turn and allow them to help you regain the surface. There's nothing like a kindred spirit in those trying falls, and only those who've been there can honestly understand how dark it is all around you. You're a light in that darkness for so many of us; may you receive some illumination for yourself as well.To those who are able to provide you with that,I say a heartfelt thank you! NO ONE should have to fel the lonliness and despair a true depressive episode triggers, least of all someone who is as giving as YOU ARE!! Please also remind yourself that for every "naysayer" thereare at least a dozen of us who DO believe in you and understand how "real" your personal battles are. You are SO loved, my friend, by countless of us!
Judi
July 1, 2008 7:09 AM
Hi Therese,
I just want to let you know that, like the others who have commented here, I am very grateful for your having made and posted this video. Depression is so hard, and while I know that there are millions of other people around the nation and around the world, even, that are battling through it, it's comforting to have a blog like this one where those involved in the battle actually have a face.
"Beyond Blue"--YOUR blog--has been saving my life over the past week or so. And I'm grateful. I'll be praying for you and for all of us. Thanks, Therese...
Theresa Tighe
July 1, 2008 9:56 AM
Dear Therese,
First, a greeting. We named for the same saint, the Little Flower, my sweet, young parents spelled mine wrong in their excitement. Still, the Little Flower, looks over us both and sends us gifts of love. How often I get a phone call from friend or just a rush of fullness after I call on her.
She's in our hearts.
Second, I was a reporter/feature writer at the St. Louis Post-Dispatch for 26 years. That stint ended last September in a buyout. Forty of us over 50, walked. My career includes years in which the paper was a symbol of excellence. So I am a pretty good judge of copy and you're out of the ballpark good. You reach deeper, share more and therby touch more lives, than most writers - including me - have ever had the guts to do. You have helped me, especially to face the reality of relapses. That's going to help me structure my second chapter as a writer.
Now since I am old enough to be your mother, and have been at the heady height of a career going well, here's some advice meant to encourage not to chide: Eat right, exercise, pray, get enough sleep. Except for Eric, the children and your mother - and Eric and your Mom will help you negotiate caring for yourself most of the time - these come first. Too much tinkering with them leads to trouble.
As Thich Nhat Hanh, the Buddhist monk and internationally known teacher, says, we must have some calm, peace and joy within ourselves to reach others.
And this is from me: Because others can be irrational, irratiting, pains in the but just like us.
I'll be praying for you and your beautiful family every day. Just try to take a breath once in while - probably not on deadline and probably not as another must do - as you finished a paragraph and realize it what a gift it is form something concrete and helpful from pain.
Theresa
blanche
July 1, 2008 11:40 AM
Therese, you were there for me when I posted about my last relapse, hospitalation, suicidal thoughts, bipolar, Dad in hospice, job sucks, etc. I wouldn't be posting now, but for you.
You are truly loved by all of us, and we have you in our thoughts and prayers.
Just this last Sat, I was in another funk, and tried to ease the pain with alchol. It didn't work. So I went back on your blog, and felt so much better. Like you, I didn't know what caused it, and it just came on.
I'm learning to deal with crisis, and as my therapist taught me to ask myself two questions.....
1. Can I solve the problem/crisis?
2. Is now a good time?
If the answer is no to either one, I will try to put it in a box on a shelf for the time being. It's not avoidence, because I HAVE to get back to it when the answer is yes to both.
You hang in there, and I'm sure we'll see another one of your funny posts soon, and will be laughing with you.
Hugs and smooches, blanche
Karla
July 1, 2008 12:15 PM
Therese,
Thanks SO much for reminding me that "this too shall pass". I am in a very dark place right now and can't seem to find my way up and out. If I can just remember that it will get better and that my life is worth living, then maybe just for today I can hang on.
Karla
Debbie S
July 1, 2008 1:01 PM
Therese,
Wonderful, honest post. I know exactly what you are talking about, and I also have people in my life who say "what are you depressed about"? My 14 year old has been struggling with depression/mood disorders for 2 years now, and just got released from juvenile hall two weeks ago. He's already slipped up on his probation, and we are going thru the anxiety of him returning to jail. Thru it all, I read your posts and watch your videos and realize there are thousands of people out there who are going thru depressions and having to live their lives whether they feel like it or not. Gratitude to you and prayers for all of us who suffer these mysterious disorders of the brain.
Deb S
teensmom
linda-marie
July 1, 2008 2:36 PM
I work with people who have various disabilities and it amazes me how often they are accused of "symptom magnification" related to their pain.
Pain cannot be measured -- and people either feel the pain they describe or they are liars and fakes.
I am so sorry you have been hurt because of this same mindset -- and it is a double-hurt when it comes from others who experience the same sort of pain.
This is not a contest -- so people who suffer are not required to broadcast what's in their hearts. But you have done so as a gift to us...
Reminds me of Jesus showing his scars to Thomas.
God bless you, sweet sister. And thank you for the love and patience you are able to show in the midst of a chronic illness.
Annapurna Moffatt
July 1, 2008 3:47 PM
I can't seem to view all of the video--might be because of Canada Day and everyone taking advantage of the holiday. Oh, well, I'll try again tomorrow.
As I said in a comment on your guest book on the bnet community, although I am not a depressive, your blog inspires me. The honesty you showed in the video (I was able to get to somewhere around the halfway point) is a good example. I admire people who are able to talk about something like that honestly and without flinching. I try to be like that, too.
I don't think there's much that I can say without repeating what everyone else has said. Well, okay, I will repeat one thing: you're in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you. ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
Anonymous
July 1, 2008 3:59 PM
therese
You don't have to prove anything to anyone. People who are depressed just don't have the ability to think things out. If they did, they would be rejoicing with you, that you are doing better. I am rejoicing with you. You are real and open. I always say to God, I want to be real and open. So He is using you to show me how to be real and open. Thank you. By the way meditating is getting easier for me, I often think of your birds nest. It causes me to laugh, and thus I relax. Keep getting stronger. Try not to resist the set backs. Sometimes the resistance makes it worse. I have been depressed, its not good. I have been well, that is good. I have had relapses and had to learn to walk again. joanna
John A.K.A. cableman4u
July 1, 2008 6:42 PM
Therese You've always somehow touched my heart, with your insightful postings & humble honest video's, (not an easy thing to do, somedays). As I follow your blogs, amongst an ever growing, fanbase of friends, and true fellowship, of like sufferers. No matter what mask I'm hiding behind, that particular day. I know I can safely remove all pretense, 6 out of 7 days / week, (even if only for 5 minutes sometimes), enough time to open your blog, take it all in, and have it brighten my day, enrich my spirit, and not feel, so all alone. Yeh, most people only see, what I want them or let them see. The concealment of my true state of depression, or mania, so well praticed, so well hidden, for so so many years, since childhood. Yet through your God given and blessed talents, I can relinquish, some control, and for sometimes many hours, afterwards, be open, and honest, and vulnerable. Even allow myself to nurture, my body and soul, or even feel, with real emotions, that which I usually deny myself, all to regularly. So my friend. Thank You once again, for your honesty, bravery, and vulnerability. I'm truly sorry, for not being able to post comments, more often, as it takes alot, out of me, and leaves me drained.
This To Shall Pass (I hope soon)
Theresa Tighe
July 1, 2008 10:06 PM
Therese,
This is the retired reporter/feature writer who shares your faith in the saint for whom we are named,St. Therese the Little Flower. I am also the woman who said she admires your work and your incredible honesty concerning the effects of the bipolar disease on your life and your family's life.
I am sending this second note to insert a fact I inadvertanently left out of the first. I am bipolar. I guess we do all need editors.
That fact is central to the email and gives it credence. hope you got the first one. I'm a Neandrathal and don't know to check. You and your husband, I saw him sort of dancing on a video with a daughter, are turning your pain into relief for others. I counsel you to take care of yourself so you can keep on giving and enjoying. My bouts are always the result of trying to do too much.
With a prayer for you, your family and your work in that order,
Theresa Tighe, St.Louis, Mo.
Katherine Stone
July 2, 2008 2:05 PM
Therese,
To see your beautiful face with tears on it just broke my heart. You are an amazing and awesome woman. Thank you for sharing this.
-- Katherine Stone, Postpartum Progress
marilyn
July 2, 2008 10:27 PM
therese i know how you feel when you say that no matter what you do you cant control the episodes that they just come out of nowhere i wish i could share this video with so many people becuse you had the strength to show what its realy like liveing with bipolar my heart and prayers go out to you. marilyn
June
July 3, 2008 9:39 PM
Therese, you said that you have 6 numbers of people you can call when you are suffering from depression.
You have thousands of people online who would be thrilled to pick up the phone and find you on the other end, no matter what day you call, and no matter how you are doing.
We love you.
Trish
July 3, 2008 11:39 PM
Thank you.
Sue
July 4, 2008 6:43 AM
Therese,
Thank you. You are a gift from God sent to help us all who suffer from depression. Please know that you are so loved and appreciated. -Sue
Amy
July 9, 2008 3:19 AM
Therese,
I just want to let you know how appreciative I am of your blog. I have been reading it ever since it started, and it has been a great support for me in my very bad days.
You inspired me a great deal to face my depression, to give it its proper weight, to not be judgemental about myself, and to face it with honesty and humbleness. You have a lot of my love and gratefulness, and I hope you get through these dark days safely.
Amy
bird
July 10, 2008 10:19 AM
Dear Therese,
I was away and just caught up with this video. As with the story of Pandora's box, I feel encouraged that there is hope after the darkness. I cannot thank you enough for your blog and for your personal support concerning my mother's depression. I think you're amazing, and I'm sending you love, hugs, and admiration.
Love always,
Wendy
Diane's Daughter
July 10, 2008 10:41 AM
HI Therese,
Thank you so much for courageously posting that video. My mother has bipolar disorder and when she is in a depressed part of the cycle, I have a difficult time empathizing (because I've never experienced such a devastating emotional state of being). As much as I know she can't just "snap out of it," I find myself wanting her to do so. I will keep this video to remind myself my mother's strength in combatting this illness each day.
Therese & everyone reading:
July 10, 2008 1:57 PM
YOU KNOW IT WILL GET BETTER! It always does. I go through HORRIBLE bouts of depression and anxiety yearly, but it always gets better. No one knows WHY we have to face these horrible times, but if you can just get through it.....
Right now in a very balanced mindset. I've come out of my depression and no longer am waking with a racing heart and aching belly. I know it will probably come again (hopefully not as bad as it was this past winter) and it will go away again.
I have to say, Therese....although it may sound shallow it is very inspiring to see such a beautiful woman talk about these issues you deal with. You truly are a gorgeous person. Natural physical beauty.....and most definitely on the inside too.
Cara
Warren
July 10, 2008 2:32 PM
Hi, Therese:
Thanks so much for sharing such an intimate look at depression. I think your comment at the end is key: "I know I won't be in this state forever." I wish I could find that insight when I'm depressed, but when I'm in that state, that degree of enlightenment is hard to come by.
cindy
July 12, 2008 2:03 PM
Hi Therese,
I am relatively new to Beyond Blue but am certain that I was led here by an angel. I have just watched your video about your bad days. It hit the nail on the head.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression 8 years ago. Since then, I have had manny upheavals in my life and have found myelf hanging on by my fingernails. I left my husband of 13 years, took my 2 young daughters and moved from Chicago to London without anything but our clothes and knowing no one. It was terribly difficult but a good move.
I have now lived in the UK for 6 years and have married a man with 2 daughters as well. Although I am very lucky to have been given a chance at life again, things can be so hard.
I had a breakdown about 18 months ago. I have been really struggling ever since. My husband tries to understand, but I know he doesn't. I have to work every single day to continue my climb out. I know I can do it, but some days, the light feels alot further away than others.
Thank you for being a voice for those of us who suffer with this terrible chronic disease. You are an inspiration.
Love, Cindy Turner
Michele Roberts
July 14, 2008 11:25 AM
Thank you for your article on this website. I saw a few of your videos and they are great for those of us struggling with depression. Some people have disorders that may be helped with medication, others it is due to circumstances in our lives. This helps to know that we are not alone, that we will get better and that God loves us and hates to see us in pain. I am reading the book, "The Shack" and the character in the story deals with a terrible tragedy that makes him question "why?" to so many things. I know in my situation, it helps to read encouraging books, listen to people like Joel Osteen's sermons and surround myself with positive people. However, that can be hard if we are stuck in a terrible relationship or a dead end job. I have to keep looking at people like Joseph in the Bible who endured hardships for years. To all who read this and are suffering, may God greatly bless you and restore all that has been lost.
Anonymous
July 24, 2008 10:16 PM
I have a daughter that is bi polar, and it is so true that everyone is worth more than the disease. I think that its letting go and letting the lord carry it through , as he will do exactly, but one needs a faith that will not doubt for a moment..it is just as hard as the bi polar...to work at the trust and belife that god will carry you true it. Joel Olsteen is an excellent inspiration, but when it comes to the knowledge of guidance of how to get through the suffering of the physical mind, and bring you to that spiritual helaing journey I would advise Joyce meyer. I think once you hear about her own life of abuse and suffering, and how she came about her healing, will surely bring you to that journey of healing..as we all know that every problem of life has a solution in the word of god ... not everyone has been blessed enough to break down the definaition of the word of god. I assure you that you will find it listening to her ministery ..one thing we all know for sure is .. we are reflected apon through our life time which creates thoughts and attitudes.. althought this seems like two unimport words there defination carry a lot of power...it takes practise to change ones thoughts , and the attitude we take towards out thoughts leaves us to the results of our circumstances and most of all how we function in out lives...our thought pattern is what forms are circumstances , and that the attitude we take towards thee outcome will leave us in the state of mind we bring apon ourselves...Feeling that we are not worthy of being joyful and well It is not what the word of lord saids.."I come to give you life abudantly...joyfully!
I have been there , and wore many T shirts.. You can heal! It will take time, and each day you will be more confident..prayers,strong unquestioning faith...and listen to joyce meyer...she will help build faith in yourself, through undying faith in Jesus Christ..she has been there through her won suffering..suffering is pain no matter which form it comes in. love and gentle blessing to all MTA PS theres a godly spirit shining through therese bouchard
Nancy
August 8, 2008 2:09 PM
My first time on this site. I've had a down ward spiral in live since the yr.2000. Have lost My parents, and three sisters to illness. Watch Mom die then my sister lost her self in greed and has done so much to hurt her family I don't know if she can ever mend them with me. Meantime our Oldest sister that I cared for we watched as she was taken by MS. Her faith in God gave her the grace and courage to live through MS. Lost the fight in Oct 16, 2005. Again was put through hell bye the sister who likes to hurt and called my youngest sister and me Murders, because we followed MS sisters living will(which was soooo hard to do). Youngest sister found out she had non-curable cancer throughout body Aug. 2006 , Dad died of COPD (Oct. 3rd sister with cancers Birthday). Had to go to Mass. and take care of him and his estate. Still no help from sister who is full of hurtfulness and no concern. Sister (MY best friend besides my hubby) with cancer stayed home while we cared for her she was brave and taught us all allot about dealing with pain and how to live with her own mortality. We lost her Dec 6, 2006. I didn't mention the 6 pets I lost to old age and cancer through that same time frame. 2007, I had physically had enough and ended up anemic and finding out I had tumors and surgery. Physically fit now but, my mind is a car reck . Depressed and doing one day at a time. Realized I have a great family Hubby Kids and beautiful grand daughter, but really missing the others who have left me for now. Just keep telling myself not forever. I'm trying to focus on the family here and give myself the permission to let the grieving go when it creeps up on me.
Thanks for this web site, Nancy
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wow T, you are a mighty strong woman. Thank you for sharing one of your bad days with us...God Bless you as you walk through the healing process......
I believe you, I believe you, I believe you. I always have believed you. When you say you've been there, I believe it 100%. I didn't need to see it to believe. Often people think that because you can look a certain way or you're able to carry on your business, etc that you're not truly in the midst of a deep dark depression. They couldn't be further from the truth.
I ache for you.
Bless you for sharing this with all of us. You show yourself at your most vulnerable. Do you know how giving that is? I mean, really! To give ALL of us out here that gift--to show your realness and your vulnerableness--wow! I have tears in my eyes.
I completely understand where you're coming from. Many people do not even know that I suffer from depression because at times I AM able to hide it so well. But that isn't always the case as you have showed us. Sometimes we can't hide it. Sometimes we just choose not to show it. But it's there. It's REALLY there. You live it. You know it.
I am so happy for you that you have 6 different people/support systems that you can turn to that understand when you're feeling like this. Unfortunately, I'm not in "that place." I've grown up in an environment/community/ethnic/religious background where you're supposed to pretend everything is okay. It's all about appearances. So, to actually open up and admit your frailties or your imperfections or your illnesses or whatever is not too acceptable. I've tried to surround myself with some healthier people and people that DO understand. But I'm afraid that as a depressive and as one who has been hurt badly, it is very difficult to trust or feel safe with people.
Back to you--thank you. Thank you for sharing yourself at a time when you aren't feeling your best. I'm praying for you. It does end. You will not be in this place forever. Keep on keeping on. Do things to nurture yourself. Speaking of nurturing--I looked it up on line (googled it) and I came up with some 14 different pages of ways to nurture myself. Let that parent of your inner child not be critical of how you feel right now but be nurturing and let the little Therese know that it's okay. It's going to be okay.
Thanks again, Therese. Much love, Valerie
Hello....wow, i am so sorry that you're having such a rough patch. I am so impressed with your bravery and insight though, and you touched on something that I am currently struggling with, ie, could i have prevented this? is it my fault? what can i change to make it all better? i am very sick and tired of it being my fault! So thank you, and i sincerely wish you peace xxx
I can certainly understand where you are coming from. Mental illness from my expreience, has no comparisons. However as much as I dont wish to compare pain.. I feel incumbant to share my experience as well.
My depression was zombie like. I on my best day, felt absolutely nothing. Feeling blue, for me, would have been an upper!
I went through that for 5 years. Living but not at all alive. Not a moment of happiness, or even sadness for that matter.
It wasn't until my husband was at the brink of disaster, with the loss of his income as well as the loss our home, that the hand of God lifted me out, and filled with with His Spirit.
It was as if, my hitting bottom wasnt enough, both of us were now going to have to suffer. Even the only place we had left our last sense of security was going to be taken away!
I had no reason to live, for I felt there was nothing left inside of me.
I had lost all my faith, so I truly had nowhere to turn. The depression was such, that although I had what others would see as the best of what the world has to offer.
I had nothing of myself, because I had lost my God.
I know it was'nt me who pulled me out of that dark place. I didnt even want to live? How could I get beyond something when I had nothing to draw upon?
I dont know why I'm sharing this with you, maybe only to say to others, that my salvation was not of my making. And even today, it remains a mystery as to how I was blessed by His Hand. However, I thought someone might need to believe, that all things in God, are possible, even when we have lost faith in Him, He somehow never gives up on us?
We love you, Therese -- me and ALL of us in the Beyond Blue community :-) :-)
Oh, Therese. Hang in there, sweetie. You can make it.
Therese,
You are very brave for showing us this part of yourself. Thanks ...
Hi, Therese, I am thinking about you and I'm sorry you're in this hard place now. You're wisdom, strength from what you've been through will carry you through. It's wonderful that you share your pain and by doing so lessen others.
I am bipolar. These blips sneak up out of the blue and it's true that it's a chronic illness. Doctors/people/friends would ask how i could "pinpoint" what caused an episode. It's pretty hard and then one starts blaming. What you said really felt right. You're the first I've heard say that but it rings true for me. You did nothing to cause it. Be gentle and as nice as you can to yourself as you are with others and the waves of pain will eventually subside.
: ) It gets better. Hang tough.
Thank you, Therese. I really needed this today.
really really really really needed this.
You are so dear and so precious.
One of my favorite quotes is from the young poetess Nikki Giovani: "Mistakes are a fact of life. It's the rspose to the mistake that matters." For those of us with bipolar disorder, I think it's fair to substtute "Depression" for "mistakes." what differentiates a bipolar from a unipolar depression,IMHO is that you CAN'T pinpoit a reason for your ovrwhelming sadness. It's not necessarily a response to life,itIS our lives. Your comparison to a thunderstorm is apt, Therese. It put me in mind of a squall breaking over my beloved Lake Michigan. There's the line of dark clouds on the horizon and then within moments the wind has whipped the water into angry waves and the lifeguards are beckoning all swimmers out of the water to avoidthe strong riptides that can be extremely dangerous. The sun disappears behind those dark clouds that have left the horizon for the ovrhead sky and huge raindrops begin pouring down as if somebody has upended a huge watering can. Small boats that have ignored the brief warning are frequently capsized, dumping thir passegers into that very water the lifeguards have been frantically attempting to clear and pinickers scramble to get their meals under cover even though the wind makes that a dubious proposition. Everything from beach umbrellas to soda cans go hurtling down the beach never to be seen again as people scramble to their cars, cutting their beachtime short. Unfortunately, at least in my experience, depressions don't even give off that brief squallline warning. Suddenly they just ARE! Having been there, I know exactly how deeply you are hurting, Therese. My heart goes out to you even as it saddens me that you feel you must"justify" your depression to us. For an individual to judge someone else's depth of depression seems nothing less than outrageous to me. It's like saying the rainbow that YOU see is less beautiful than the one I spy arching acoss te sky or that you don't really know what love is like because you've never experienced it MY way! Balderdash! I'm so sorry that you've succombed to the snake pit, Therese, but am glad that even from that awful place you can adopt a "And this, too, shall pass attitude. That's an INCREDIBLY difficult thing to do when the black dog is holding you in its teeth and shaking you back and forth lie a rag doll. At least for me, that knowledge offers only the slightest bit of comfort because I know I have to experience it for a time before the sun will shine once more. Somehow the passing always takes longer than I anticipate, making it even HARDER to accept it as a temporary state of mind. You are SUCH a strong woman, Therese, and so filled with love for your fellow sufferers that you will lay even this highly personal battle bare for us to witness. Please know that I (and mot other B.Bers, I dare say, will be ifting you up in prayer that this bout be a relatively speedy one. (Notice I said 'relatively' because it's hard to gauge the time when you're cuddled up next to a boa constrictor watching a cobra flaunt its hood and a rattler shake its tail. Eery moment feels like a lifetime at that point. Pamper yourself, my friend, you SO richly deserve it. That's sometimes the ONLY thing that helps me no matter how many details of my protocol are in place. Call those special friends to whom you know you can turn and allow them to help you regain the surface. There's nothing like a kindred spirit in those trying falls, and only those who've been there can honestly understand how dark it is all around you. You're a light in that darkness for so many of us; may you receive some illumination for yourself as well.To those who are able to provide you with that,I say a heartfelt thank you! NO ONE should have to fel the lonliness and despair a true depressive episode triggers, least of all someone who is as giving as YOU ARE!! Please also remind yourself that for every "naysayer" thereare at least a dozen of us who DO believe in you and understand how "real" your personal battles are. You are SO loved, my friend, by countless of us!
Hi Therese,
I just want to let you know that, like the others who have commented here, I am very grateful for your having made and posted this video. Depression is so hard, and while I know that there are millions of other people around the nation and around the world, even, that are battling through it, it's comforting to have a blog like this one where those involved in the battle actually have a face.
"Beyond Blue"--YOUR blog--has been saving my life over the past week or so. And I'm grateful. I'll be praying for you and for all of us. Thanks, Therese...
Dear Therese,
First, a greeting. We named for the same saint, the Little Flower, my sweet, young parents spelled mine wrong in their excitement. Still, the Little Flower, looks over us both and sends us gifts of love. How often I get a phone call from friend or just a rush of fullness after I call on her.
She's in our hearts.
Second, I was a reporter/feature writer at the St. Louis Post-Dispatch for 26 years. That stint ended last September in a buyout. Forty of us over 50, walked. My career includes years in which the paper was a symbol of excellence. So I am a pretty good judge of copy and you're out of the ballpark good. You reach deeper, share more and therby touch more lives, than most writers - including me - have ever had the guts to do. You have helped me, especially to face the reality of relapses. That's going to help me structure my second chapter as a writer.
Now since I am old enough to be your mother, and have been at the heady height of a career going well, here's some advice meant to encourage not to chide: Eat right, exercise, pray, get enough sleep. Except for Eric, the children and your mother - and Eric and your Mom will help you negotiate caring for yourself most of the time - these come first. Too much tinkering with them leads to trouble.
As Thich Nhat Hanh, the Buddhist monk and internationally known teacher, says, we must have some calm, peace and joy within ourselves to reach others.
And this is from me: Because others can be irrational, irratiting, pains in the but just like us.
I'll be praying for you and your beautiful family every day. Just try to take a breath once in while - probably not on deadline and probably not as another must do - as you finished a paragraph and realize it what a gift it is form something concrete and helpful from pain.
Theresa
Therese, you were there for me when I posted about my last relapse, hospitalation, suicidal thoughts, bipolar, Dad in hospice, job sucks, etc. I wouldn't be posting now, but for you.
You are truly loved by all of us, and we have you in our thoughts and prayers.
Just this last Sat, I was in another funk, and tried to ease the pain with alchol. It didn't work. So I went back on your blog, and felt so much better. Like you, I didn't know what caused it, and it just came on.
I'm learning to deal with crisis, and as my therapist taught me to ask myself two questions.....
1. Can I solve the problem/crisis?
2. Is now a good time?
If the answer is no to either one, I will try to put it in a box on a shelf for the time being. It's not avoidence, because I HAVE to get back to it when the answer is yes to both.
You hang in there, and I'm sure we'll see another one of your funny posts soon, and will be laughing with you.
Hugs and smooches, blanche
Therese,
Thanks SO much for reminding me that "this too shall pass". I am in a very dark place right now and can't seem to find my way up and out. If I can just remember that it will get better and that my life is worth living, then maybe just for today I can hang on.
Karla
Therese,
Wonderful, honest post. I know exactly what you are talking about, and I also have people in my life who say "what are you depressed about"? My 14 year old has been struggling with depression/mood disorders for 2 years now, and just got released from juvenile hall two weeks ago. He's already slipped up on his probation, and we are going thru the anxiety of him returning to jail. Thru it all, I read your posts and watch your videos and realize there are thousands of people out there who are going thru depressions and having to live their lives whether they feel like it or not. Gratitude to you and prayers for all of us who suffer these mysterious disorders of the brain.
Deb S
teensmom
I work with people who have various disabilities and it amazes me how often they are accused of "symptom magnification" related to their pain.
Pain cannot be measured -- and people either feel the pain they describe or they are liars and fakes.
I am so sorry you have been hurt because of this same mindset -- and it is a double-hurt when it comes from others who experience the same sort of pain.
This is not a contest -- so people who suffer are not required to broadcast what's in their hearts. But you have done so as a gift to us...
Reminds me of Jesus showing his scars to Thomas.
God bless you, sweet sister. And thank you for the love and patience you are able to show in the midst of a chronic illness.
I can't seem to view all of the video--might be because of Canada Day and everyone taking advantage of the holiday. Oh, well, I'll try again tomorrow.
As I said in a comment on your guest book on the bnet community, although I am not a depressive, your blog inspires me. The honesty you showed in the video (I was able to get to somewhere around the halfway point) is a good example. I admire people who are able to talk about something like that honestly and without flinching. I try to be like that, too.
I don't think there's much that I can say without repeating what everyone else has said. Well, okay, I will repeat one thing: you're in my thoughts and prayers. God bless you. ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
therese
You don't have to prove anything to anyone. People who are depressed just don't have the ability to think things out. If they did, they would be rejoicing with you, that you are doing better. I am rejoicing with you. You are real and open. I always say to God, I want to be real and open. So He is using you to show me how to be real and open. Thank you. By the way meditating is getting easier for me, I often think of your birds nest. It causes me to laugh, and thus I relax. Keep getting stronger. Try not to resist the set backs. Sometimes the resistance makes it worse. I have been depressed, its not good. I have been well, that is good. I have had relapses and had to learn to walk again. joanna
Therese You've always somehow touched my heart, with your insightful postings & humble honest video's, (not an easy thing to do, somedays). As I follow your blogs, amongst an ever growing, fanbase of friends, and true fellowship, of like sufferers. No matter what mask I'm hiding behind, that particular day. I know I can safely remove all pretense, 6 out of 7 days / week, (even if only for 5 minutes sometimes), enough time to open your blog, take it all in, and have it brighten my day, enrich my spirit, and not feel, so all alone. Yeh, most people only see, what I want them or let them see. The concealment of my true state of depression, or mania, so well praticed, so well hidden, for so so many years, since childhood. Yet through your God given and blessed talents, I can relinquish, some control, and for sometimes many hours, afterwards, be open, and honest, and vulnerable. Even allow myself to nurture, my body and soul, or even feel, with real emotions, that which I usually deny myself, all to regularly. So my friend. Thank You once again, for your honesty, bravery, and vulnerability. I'm truly sorry, for not being able to post comments, more often, as it takes alot, out of me, and leaves me drained.
This To Shall Pass (I hope soon)
Therese,
This is the retired reporter/feature writer who shares your faith in the saint for whom we are named,St. Therese the Little Flower. I am also the woman who said she admires your work and your incredible honesty concerning the effects of the bipolar disease on your life and your family's life.
I am sending this second note to insert a fact I inadvertanently left out of the first. I am bipolar. I guess we do all need editors.
That fact is central to the email and gives it credence. hope you got the first one. I'm a Neandrathal and don't know to check. You and your husband, I saw him sort of dancing on a video with a daughter, are turning your pain into relief for others. I counsel you to take care of yourself so you can keep on giving and enjoying. My bouts are always the result of trying to do too much.
With a prayer for you, your family and your work in that order,
Theresa Tighe, St.Louis, Mo.
Therese,
To see your beautiful face with tears on it just broke my heart. You are an amazing and awesome woman. Thank you for sharing this.
-- Katherine Stone, Postpartum Progress
therese i know how you feel when you say that no matter what you do you cant control the episodes that they just come out of nowhere i wish i could share this video with so many people becuse you had the strength to show what its realy like liveing with bipolar my heart and prayers go out to you. marilyn
Therese, you said that you have 6 numbers of people you can call when you are suffering from depression.
You have thousands of people online who would be thrilled to pick up the phone and find you on the other end, no matter what day you call, and no matter how you are doing.
We love you.
Thank you.
Therese,
Thank you. You are a gift from God sent to help us all who suffer from depression. Please know that you are so loved and appreciated. -Sue
Therese,
I just want to let you know how appreciative I am of your blog. I have been reading it ever since it started, and it has been a great support for me in my very bad days.
You inspired me a great deal to face my depression, to give it its proper weight, to not be judgemental about myself, and to face it with honesty and humbleness. You have a lot of my love and gratefulness, and I hope you get through these dark days safely.
Amy
Dear Therese,
I was away and just caught up with this video. As with the story of Pandora's box, I feel encouraged that there is hope after the darkness. I cannot thank you enough for your blog and for your personal support concerning my mother's depression. I think you're amazing, and I'm sending you love, hugs, and admiration.
Love always,
Wendy
HI Therese,
Thank you so much for courageously posting that video. My mother has bipolar disorder and when she is in a depressed part of the cycle, I have a difficult time empathizing (because I've never experienced such a devastating emotional state of being). As much as I know she can't just "snap out of it," I find myself wanting her to do so. I will keep this video to remind myself my mother's strength in combatting this illness each day.
YOU KNOW IT WILL GET BETTER! It always does. I go through HORRIBLE bouts of depression and anxiety yearly, but it always gets better. No one knows WHY we have to face these horrible times, but if you can just get through it.....
Right now in a very balanced mindset. I've come out of my depression and no longer am waking with a racing heart and aching belly. I know it will probably come again (hopefully not as bad as it was this past winter) and it will go away again.
I have to say, Therese....although it may sound shallow it is very inspiring to see such a beautiful woman talk about these issues you deal with. You truly are a gorgeous person. Natural physical beauty.....and most definitely on the inside too.
Cara
Hi, Therese:
Thanks so much for sharing such an intimate look at depression. I think your comment at the end is key: "I know I won't be in this state forever." I wish I could find that insight when I'm depressed, but when I'm in that state, that degree of enlightenment is hard to come by.
Hi Therese,
I am relatively new to Beyond Blue but am certain that I was led here by an angel. I have just watched your video about your bad days. It hit the nail on the head.
I was diagnosed with clinical depression 8 years ago. Since then, I have had manny upheavals in my life and have found myelf hanging on by my fingernails. I left my husband of 13 years, took my 2 young daughters and moved from Chicago to London without anything but our clothes and knowing no one. It was terribly difficult but a good move.
I have now lived in the UK for 6 years and have married a man with 2 daughters as well. Although I am very lucky to have been given a chance at life again, things can be so hard.
I had a breakdown about 18 months ago. I have been really struggling ever since. My husband tries to understand, but I know he doesn't. I have to work every single day to continue my climb out. I know I can do it, but some days, the light feels alot further away than others.
Thank you for being a voice for those of us who suffer with this terrible chronic disease. You are an inspiration.
Love, Cindy Turner
Thank you for your article on this website. I saw a few of your videos and they are great for those of us struggling with depression. Some people have disorders that may be helped with medication, others it is due to circumstances in our lives. This helps to know that we are not alone, that we will get better and that God loves us and hates to see us in pain. I am reading the book, "The Shack" and the character in the story deals with a terrible tragedy that makes him question "why?" to so many things. I know in my situation, it helps to read encouraging books, listen to people like Joel Osteen's sermons and surround myself with positive people. However, that can be hard if we are stuck in a terrible relationship or a dead end job. I have to keep looking at people like Joseph in the Bible who endured hardships for years. To all who read this and are suffering, may God greatly bless you and restore all that has been lost.
I have a daughter that is bi polar, and it is so true that everyone is worth more than the disease. I think that its letting go and letting the lord carry it through , as he will do exactly, but one needs a faith that will not doubt for a moment..it is just as hard as the bi polar...to work at the trust and belife that god will carry you true it. Joel Olsteen is an excellent inspiration, but when it comes to the knowledge of guidance of how to get through the suffering of the physical mind, and bring you to that spiritual helaing journey I would advise Joyce meyer. I think once you hear about her own life of abuse and suffering, and how she came about her healing, will surely bring you to that journey of healing..as we all know that every problem of life has a solution in the word of god ... not everyone has been blessed enough to break down the definaition of the word of god. I assure you that you will find it listening to her ministery ..one thing we all know for sure is .. we are reflected apon through our life time which creates thoughts and attitudes.. althought this seems like two unimport words there defination carry a lot of power...it takes practise to change ones thoughts , and the attitude we take towards out thoughts leaves us to the results of our circumstances and most of all how we function in out lives...our thought pattern is what forms are circumstances , and that the attitude we take towards thee outcome will leave us in the state of mind we bring apon ourselves...Feeling that we are not worthy of being joyful and well It is not what the word of lord saids.."I come to give you life abudantly...joyfully!
I have been there , and wore many T shirts.. You can heal! It will take time, and each day you will be more confident..prayers,strong unquestioning faith...and listen to joyce meyer...she will help build faith in yourself, through undying faith in Jesus Christ..she has been there through her won suffering..suffering is pain no matter which form it comes in. love and gentle blessing to all MTA PS theres a godly spirit shining through therese bouchard
My first time on this site. I've had a down ward spiral in live since the yr.2000. Have lost My parents, and three sisters to illness. Watch Mom die then my sister lost her self in greed and has done so much to hurt her family I don't know if she can ever mend them with me. Meantime our Oldest sister that I cared for we watched as she was taken by MS. Her faith in God gave her the grace and courage to live through MS. Lost the fight in Oct 16, 2005. Again was put through hell bye the sister who likes to hurt and called my youngest sister and me Murders, because we followed MS sisters living will(which was soooo hard to do). Youngest sister found out she had non-curable cancer throughout body Aug. 2006 , Dad died of COPD (Oct. 3rd sister with cancers Birthday). Had to go to Mass. and take care of him and his estate. Still no help from sister who is full of hurtfulness and no concern. Sister (MY best friend besides my hubby) with cancer stayed home while we cared for her she was brave and taught us all allot about dealing with pain and how to live with her own mortality. We lost her Dec 6, 2006. I didn't mention the 6 pets I lost to old age and cancer through that same time frame. 2007, I had physically had enough and ended up anemic and finding out I had tumors and surgery. Physically fit now but, my mind is a car reck . Depressed and doing one day at a time. Realized I have a great family Hubby Kids and beautiful grand daughter, but really missing the others who have left me for now. Just keep telling myself not forever. I'm trying to focus on the family here and give myself the permission to let the grieving go when it creeps up on me.
Thanks for this web site, Nancy
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