Day 3: Your Wisdom

Wisdom? I'm fresh out. When my brother committed suicide in 2005, I spent 25 pounds of hard won weight loss grieving over his death. I regained those hard won/lost pounds as a testimony to how deeply Marty's death affected me. I too wanted to die. I didn't tell my wife that. I didn't tell anybody that...and, most of all, I never admitted it to myself.
Suicide sucks. It's an answer to the depression the person is enduring but I cannot believe it's the right answer. If it were the right answer, all the survivors would be saying, "Well, it was the right thing. It was just his time. He's better off now. He's free now." Hmm...maybe people do say those things. But I'm not sure I could ever agree. I think I'd prefer that Marty had been here to see his daughter graduate from high school and blossom into a beautiful young woman. I think he'd have enjoyed seeing his son turn out to be a star athlete and scholar. I think he would have enjoyed making love to his wife and seeing her look at him with love in her eyes. I know, for myself, I'd have enjoyed growing old with a youngest brother who was a delight. He died and I'm still saddened.
Well, my life moved on and I've forgiven myself for whatever things I did or didn't do to rescue Marty from drowning in a sea of despair. But I worry about my own times of deep depression. Will they return and swamp my tiny boat? I've been 'on top of it' for almost ten years with only minor walks on the wild side - nothing chronic or long term. I've even managed to help a couple of a friend who was misguided and decided to stop his meds and go it alone. I figure I saved his life. It ought to even things out shouldn't it? But Marty's death lingers in the muddy, shallow backwaters of my mind and haunts me.
I'm a "Secret" guy and a New Age guy and God's man and every other angle I can use to get a leg up on depression. But when the waves come back and threaten to bulldog me or pull me under in the undertow, I'm heading to the local pharmacy and strapping on the six guns - whatever meds will give me a bulletproof shield, I'm using. All the well-informed but ignorant advice and counsel that I read or hear about what I should or shouldn't do can be summed up in one word or two letters..BS.
My brother stopped taking his meds and it killed him. And my friend was a weekend away from joining him - for the identical reason. Anybody who advocates solutions that go it alone probably doesn't suffer from depression but is surely delusional.
Frank,

Posted by: | July 4, 2008 8:51 AM

Donna and Frank, please accept my prayers and sympathy for the loss of your loved ones.

Posted by: Peg | July 4, 2008 9:31 AM

This has been the the hardest and most difficult time. In October I found out that I must have a hesterectomy asap on the 5th. So I went to see my sister's. I arrived there around 7:45pm, two of my sister's an I were sitting at the kitchen table talking about going to see our uncle whom was in the hosptial. He died while we were at that table, after his funeral I was going to leave because one of my sister's boyfriends stole some money from me the night before, so I packed my car and was ready to go. It rained very hard, so I waited until the next day. The ride was long but nice and smooth. When I got almost 30 miles from my condo there was a bad accident ahead of me which made me almost come to a stop. I was looking up because I saw a big bird sitting on the street light, it was a white owl right where the sign says you are now entering wayne co., thats where my Mother lived. When I finaly got home my boyfriend whom lived just around the corner greeted me and helped me bring my things in I called my son to tell him I was home and he told me that my Mother was in the hospital iccu already on life support October 17. On the 18th my birthday my Mother told me she was very sorry and that she loves me and to get the keys from her sister to clean her apartment. I then called her sister to ask for the keys and the code you need to see how she was doing but she won't give me anything. My Mother died 3 days later, her sister took charge of everything she didn't let help with arrangments or allow me to do the last thing my Mother asked me to do. I had my surgery I ok but I wanted to be closer to GOD so I fasted and prayed for answers. I told a few people that I nolonger wanted them in my life. One of the called the police saying thet I want to kill myself, they came and they were racist, they looked everywhere after hand cuffing me, I been crying every since this has happened to me when will I stop crying and hurting. I want to leave this place of pain but I don't know the directions.
TONJA

Posted by: Tonja | July 5, 2008 9:59 AM