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Dear God,
In today’s gospel, we read about the parable of the sower (Matthew 13: 1-9), which, ironically, was the reading that Eric and I chose for our wedding (it’s not all that romantic … but read in terms of a relationship, and you’ll see why I picked it):
A sower went out to sow. And as he sowed, some seed fell on the path, and birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky ground, where it had little soil. It sprang up at once because the soil was not deep, and when the sun rose it was scorched, and it withered for lack of roots. Some seed fell among thorns, and the thorns grew up and choked it. But some seed fell on rich soil and produced fruit, a hundred or sixty or thirtyfold.
I believe, God, that this is a parable about recovery from depression.
Because depressives have such fragile systems that they absolutely must be planted in rich soil or else they will wither when the next catastrophe arrives … and life is full of them. (No offense, God, but it is.)
What produces rich soil?
All the basics that I ramble on about in most of my posts: a healthy diet that includes snacks other than Kit Kats, regular exercise, and consistent sleep, even if your snoring keeps your husband on the couch; friends to bail you out of dangerous thinking, or (even worse) destructive behavior; therapy and therapy and more therapy, which includes cognitive behavioral techniques, like identifying distorted thought patterns (all or nothing, mind reading, negative filter, and so on); stress-busters, like kayaking and long walks; and, of course, checkups with a doctor, and the right medication.
But you know, God, and I know, that I seldom do all of those things together. If I did, I probably would be too boring of a person to write a daily blog. My topics would be lame if I were be perfectly centered. So one week, I’m great on my sleep, and then I’m up all night with a crying kid, and so I drink three cups of coffee the next day to stay awake, which keeps me awake that night. So I’m too tired to work out. You get the drift.
Medication and doctor visits are a life savor, yes, but here again, the combination isn’t always perfect. Sometimes it takes a few months for Dr. Smith to tweak them just right. I’m great for awhile … until my chemistry changes or my pituitary tumor grows, and we need to start tweaking again.
So what is the one consistent thing, the main ingredient of deep soil that I’m shooting for?
YOU.
I know now, that if I fall into the dark pit of anxiety, or am sucked into the terrifying vacuum of depression, that You, God, will be with me. I realize that on some weeks, I may be doing (or at least I THINK I am doing) everything perfectly–eating right, sleeping eight hours, exercising, adjusting my thinking, reaching out to friends–but I may still want you to give me a terminal illness so that I can exit this life gracefully. I also know that I won’t feel like that forever. And that you, God, will be with me there, even if I don’t have a clue as to your plan.
I’m not the only one with this complaint, God: Your timing makes absolutely no sense at all.
I don’t know why I had to stay sick for almost two years during my severe depression before I started to feel better. I don’t get why you didn’t send a warning not to use the shrink who drugged me with 14 different medications in three months. Granted, it all makes for better blog content.
I don’t get it, God. But I still believe. I guess that is what faith is: “the realization of what is hoped for and the evidence of things not seen” (Hebrews 11: 1-2).
Which reminds me of the story of “The Fern and the Bamboo,” one of my favorite stories (like “Footprints in the Sand“), that a Group Beyond Blue member recently posted on a discussion board at Group Beyond Blue at Beliefnet’s Community:
The Fern and the Bamboo
One day I decided to quit…I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality…. I wanted to quit my life. I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.
“God”, I said. “Can you give me one good reason not to quit?”
His answer surprised me.
“Look around”, He said. “Do you see the fern and the bamboo?”
“Yes”, I replied.
“When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.
“In the second year the fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.
“In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit. The same in year four.
“Then in the fifth year, a tiny sprout emerged from the earth.
Compared to the fern, it was seemingly small and insignificant.
But just six months later, the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.
It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle.
“Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots? I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you.
“Don’t compare yourself to others.” He said. “The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful.
“Your time will come”, God said to me. “You will rise high.”
“How high should I rise?” I asked.
“How high will the bamboo rise?” He asked in return.
“As high as it can?” I questioned.
“Yes.” He said, “Give me glory by rising as high as you can.”
I left the forest, realizing that God will never give up on me. And He will never give up on you.
Never regret a day in your life.
Good days give you happiness; bad days give you experiences; both are essential to life.
–Author Unknown
To read more Beyond Blue, go to www.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.
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Therese J. Borchard writes the daily blog, Beyond Blue, on Beliefnet and is a regular contributor to the award-winning blog, World of Psychology, on Psych Central. Therese is the author of Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes and The Pocket Therapist: An Emotional Survival Kit. Subscribe to Beyond Blue, visit her website, or follow her on Twitter @thereseborchard.
Meet others on the journey in
Therese’s community group
Ask Therese to be your friend
Therese J. Borchard writes the daily blog, Beyond Blue, on Beliefnet and is a regular contributor to the award-winning blog, World of Psychology, on Psych Central. Therese is the author of Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes and The Pocket Therapist: An Emotional Survival Kit. Subscribe to Beyond Blue, visit her website, or follow her on Twitter @thereseborchard.
posted July 14, 2008 at 11:15 am
Loved that post. Thanks so much. I had never heard of that Bamboo and Fern story. Have a Wonderful Day!!!
posted July 14, 2008 at 2:42 pm
“but I may still want you to give me a terminal illness so that I can exit this life gracefully”
Are you kidding me? I thought I was the only one that EVER had that exact same thought!
I love the Fern and the Bamboo story as well. Thanks for the reminder.
You continue to be in my thoughts and Im greatful for your sharing.
Sue
posted July 14, 2008 at 3:09 pm
That’s a great story. But I sure wish I knew when I was going to start sprouting ;-P
posted July 14, 2008 at 5:02 pm
I LOVE Bamboo, in fact I planted some on the property line between my house and the irritating neighbors hoping for a natural “wall” of sorts. Well it is slow coming, only 2 of the plants have sprung up but they speak to me. When I read todays post it touched me about all the time the bamboo seemed to not be doing anything, the growth was underneath. Perhaps I am growing inside too, I certainly don’t see it on the outside!
Thanks for everything u share with us Therese and know that nothing happens in God’s world by accident. You are here because I need you, and so do alot of others. It is not your time to cross over to the other side. My prayer for you is that you will enjoy the life you have and move beyond the depression and sadness. I am going to light a white prayer candle on my altar for YOU today, with your name on it. Know that someone in Texas loves you!
Mary Anne
posted July 14, 2008 at 6:54 pm
beautiful story.and like mary anne said your here because we need you its just not are time and someday we will sprout.but like the self esteem files look at yourself through other peoples eyes.you are wonderful.
posted July 14, 2008 at 8:23 pm
Larry – maybe you have started sprouting and the just is just in your eyes a bit ; )
posted July 14, 2008 at 8:53 pm
thanks, therese! I often hate the times of growing roots – nothing seems to be happening, but I’m always wrong and later I realize that God was with me the whole time and it has worked out – “this too shall pass” is a favorite saying of mine. I loved the story of the bamboo and fern – two related stories that give me comfort and hope are the story of the starfish and of the footprints inthe sand!
posted July 14, 2008 at 11:14 pm
I’m glad I’m not the only one who wishes for a terminal illness so I can leave this world gracefully. I’ve noticed recently that I have become so content with the idea of dying that life really doesn’t matter too much anymore. I mean, I’m fairly happy (right now about a 5 or a 6) but, life is just not holding the joy for me that I think it should on a consistant basis. This is not depression speaking….I’ve been there and that’s a scream not a calm discussion. What do you think? Do I need to speak to God more? I pray all the time and things are pretty quiet around here (not literally but figuratively). I understand it’s not how you feel but what you do that matters, and I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing and yet I feel no real purpose, no pure joy, at least only in spurts. Does anyone else feel this way?
posted July 14, 2008 at 11:19 pm
Bless you, Theresa, for you’re transparency (I think) and sharing your daily struggles. I was feeling desolate a couple of months ago when a fellow parishioner emailed me about ‘the fern and the bamboo’ except it was the bamboo (1st person) who was asking God why the fern was outgrowing it. At least it gave me hope that I was going to ‘sprout’ sooner or later.
Perhaps I’m better off adding ‘helping out others’ to the list in my darkest moments, when all the conventional methods are exausted and wallowing in self-pity goes further down the road to self-implosion. What’s that far east saying, “Wan’t to be happy without shoes, find a man without feet,” or something along those lines. No matter how hard I’ve tried, rationalizing the way to level-headedness has repeatedly proven unsuccessful. Guess it’s worth a shot.
posted July 15, 2008 at 4:57 am
The ‘Bamboo and Ferns’ is a beautiful example for all of us, who spend our time whining about nothing ‘happening’ in our lives. We miss out on the most most precious moments in the presnt waiting endlessly for “what next”….. ‘Patience’ as a term sounds easy but possessing and practising the same is a real test of time…
Therese, you make a difference with every word you publish on ‘Beliefnet’
Tx
Jasmine
posted July 15, 2008 at 10:43 am
This was a new stry for me as wel, and what a PERITINWNT one it is . I am struggling hard with my new Physical therapist to learn to walk a bit better in anticipation of my son’s wedding but haven’t made enough progress with y balance issues to make the work seem fruitful yet. Guess I need to be more like the bamboo and give it more time to “grow” a “root system” bfore I give up. Thanks for sharing this T. the parable is one of my own favorites, but this wasa whole new way of lookimg at it that I truly needed to see.
posted July 15, 2008 at 6:06 pm
WOW! Once again you make the same query I would have made to God. So many times I JUST DON’T GET IT!!! It is so hard to be patient when I’m not the one seeing the big picture. God does have a sense of humour though. I was trying to write a hate song about someone I am really having a hard time dealing with and the pen I was using ran out of ink. The next pen did the very same thing! Okay I can maybe take a hint. God always said “Vengence is mine” I think He wants to be the one to deal out the justice. I just hope I have a ringside seat with his permission of course.
posted July 16, 2008 at 5:19 am
Thank you Therese, I love that! I just sent it to a close friend in prison who’s struggling with his rehabilitation right now. It’s perfect for what he’s going through and I know it’ll pick his spirits up. Keep up the great work.
posted July 19, 2008 at 8:04 pm
Thank you, T, for posting this. I did receive it some time ago from daily OM, and I printed it and read it to my AA group. They really got a lot from it.
I’ve never seen the story the other way around, with the Bamboo and the Fern. I’d like to see it, along with the Starfish, which I’m not familiar with either.
I believe I’m finally on the right combination of medicine, and between “Let Go, Let God”, my doctor and therapist, the love of my family, I actually handled work (my job sucks) pretty well for the last 2 wks. I also handled my challenging father; his 87th birthday is today, and we all went there and had a good time for a change (my 2 1/2 year old Grandson wore him out, and we have a grandaughter on the way), without the stress we normally have.
Finally, T, through the good days, and the bad ones, I believe God has brought you into our lives as a message to believe in Him. We thank God and thank you for being you.
Hugs, blanche