Dear God,
In Matthew's gospel (14:13-21) we read about the miracle of the loaves and fish:
When Jesus heard what had happened [to John the Baptist', he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place. Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns. When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick. As evening approached, the disciples came to him and said, "This is a remote place, and it's already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy themselves some food."Jesus replied, "They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat."
We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish," they answered.
"Bring them here to me," he said. And he directed the people to sit down on the grass. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. The number of those who ate was about five thousand men, besides women and children.
I have always loved this story because it affords me a reality check as a professional worrier, a conservative investor, and as a woman whose OCD would have had her counting those loaves and fishes at least one hundred times before and after panicking to Jesus.
I am the responsible one in my family: the designated driver for most holidays and gatherings, the cheapskate (wearing clothes she bought 10 years ago) who refuses to go on a shopping spree in New York with her fashionable sister because she is saving for her retirement, and the one (with her technologically savvy husband) printing out ten-year budget spreadsheets so that she knows how much per year she has to contribute to the kids' college fund in order for it to cover tuition plus room and board at University of Maryland in 11 years.
I envy my sisters' and other family members' carefree lifestyles, their ability to live in the moment and spend what they have, but I have a hard time not fretting about the future.
This conscientious side of me comes in handy. I'm a planner ... and so I have less surprises, in theory anyway, to deal with ("Crap! Where did all my money go?") than my sisters and some friends. But scheduling everything in ink before it happens creates its own anxiety. I don't let myself live today to the fullest. And I don't let myself take the breaks that I need, because I'm worried that if I do, I won't have enough for tomorrow.
Which is where this story comes in handy. I think, God, you are saying, "Don't sweat it! I got ya covered." And I'm beginning to see that you really mean it.
For example, I always bank (have written and uploaded into blogging software) at least a week's worth of blog posts to cover me in case I have a bad week and can't concentrate or write. (Keep in mind that I turned in the manuscript for the book "Beyond Blue" five months early because I was petrified that I wouldn't finish it in time. In fact, I turned in the book BEFORE I signed the contract. That example should be listed under OCD in the DSM V, whenever that thing comes out.)
Sorry, back to my example. The last few weeks, I've really needed a few mental-health days, where I could just walk, swim, bike, and try to find my head again. So I used the banked posts, even though this made me nervous because I wouldn't have them there if I had another bad day (you know all about this thinking, right?). But as it turns out, I felt so much better having taken some time off, that I was able to complete some posts in less time than I had planned, so I got back my extra posts AND had a break!
I decided to try this on a larger scale and see if, even as I took care of myself and took the necessary breaks, I could plan a few weeks in August to take off. I prayed to You, God, consistently that you help me take care of myself so that I can do whatever I'm here, on earth, to do. Miraculously, I was able to fill a few weeks in August pretty easily, so that I am now able to take a long break.
I told my therapist about this, and she wasn't surprised.
"When you live in the moment, and are in communication with God, he does take care of your needs," she said. "And when you take care of yourself first and foremost, the other parts of your life seem to fall into place." Moreover, she repeated, "Investing in yourself is the best investment you can make."
Now, I don't want to risk oversimplifying this. Because I could very well say, "Well then, God, take away my depression! Give it to all those people eating fish and loaves or to the poor pigs that got the demons that Jesus exorcised from a believer." I know it's more complicated than that.
But I'm starting to see the miracle of the loaves and fish in my own life, and am tempted to rip up some of my budget spreadsheets in order to live a little more in the here and now. Could you please help me with that? THANKS.
To read more Beyond Blue, go to www.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.
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therese i know how hard it is to live in the now i used to think if i didnt pinch save and dont dare miss any work that things would fall apart.but am now realizeing that god can make something out of nothing and some how a quarter tankof gas will get you to work until pay day so i guess we will be all right just have to beleive.
It takes a strong person to realize these happenings while trying to assess and process at the same time. So OCD or other horrible mental disease, this is what keeps going around for or against us.
You remind us to ask God's help to see us thru another hour or day. What happens to me is "God, please help me thru this, I rely on You by my side." THEN SOMEHOW I take back control and I'm a mess again.
There are lessons we CAN learn and some lessons will take longer.
Also, the folks I know that say they are living in the "now or moment" , simply don't have a clue. BUT of course, I wouldn't say anything and look like I was judging them. I may be a depressive BUT I have a great sense of humor. At these times I will smile or laugh to myself and know I have kept a friend by NOT SAYING A WORD.
Thanks to all of you for being there for each and every one of us.
Therese, you rock girl. Lighten up on the small details of life, AND let life just bounce you along for a while. Find small successes and write them down. At the end of a day or week, they will add up to more than the minus's do.
Therese, i agree you rock and if i could do a tenth of what you do in one day id be impressed with myself! but alas, middle age, schizophrenia, depression, have wrinkled my ambitions for a "gracefully growing with age" and active middle years and i must now find myself more willing to pace myself let life have its own designs and "lose my mind a bit in order to find it"
I spent 40 years of beating myself up for not being good enoughg. And if I wasn't beating myself up, then I would call my Dad and he would criticize, cajole, prod, push, and belittle me. I stopped calling Dad.
Now I call my sponsor. She tells me how well im doing. Lately, Therese, Ive been finding feathers, birds feathers, 11 of them exactly. in 14 Days. I now Beat myself with a Feather. Im learning to let go. To Listen to the Wind. His Yoke is Easy and His Burden is Light. My suggestion every once in a while when it gets too much is to Let go and Trust God a bit now and then you may be pleasantly surprised! I'm not saying God is sending me feathers but Im not saying either that he isn't!!! Im willing to Wear the World like a Loose Garment. Good Luck. Youll make the right decision for you.
I really needed this today. Thanks Therese, Cheri, Marilyn Bev, and Robin.
I actually mustered the courage to meet with an attorney regarding my job situation (retaliation for me being out on family leave with my bi-polar), and while I didn't get a lot of answers or a "miracle", I take comfort in the fact that I received from God the "Courage to change the things I can". I'm praying for the "Wisdom to know the difference".
I thank you all the time, Therese, but I want to give a shout out to all of the Beyond Blue people that post with their experiences and compassion that give me comfort in knowing that I'm not alone or unique, but a fellow human being trying to make it "One Day at a Time".
Love and Hugs, Blanche
I am poof positive that panning out your future to the nth degree is an exercise in futility! For many years I diligently contribued an extra 4% of my income to my pension fund o that I could spend my retirement traveling to those places around the world I wanted to see.I taught summer school most summers while manyof my colleagues took vacations to all kinds of places because that augmented my disposable income Well, guess what? Now that retirement is here, my body can no longer climb the craggy shores of Greece to visit the ancient ruins or traverse the sands in the Valley of the Kings! In addition, traveling has become so much more expensive that I STILL don't have enough to get to those places! Friends, on the other hand, have ALREADY BEEN TO THE pARTHENON or walked along the Great Wall of China because they did their traveling in their(then) present. One colleague in particular has traveled to EACH of the seven continents to take part in Earth Watch projects. She still has enough to make ends meet today, but didn't deny herself opportunities that arose along the way. They say if you want to ear G-d laugh, you should tell Him your plans. I've come to realize how true that particular aphorism truly is! Congratulations, T, for learning that lesson in a much shorter space in time. There's nothing wrong, of course, with planning fr the future, but sacrificing the present in homage to what MIGHT come to pass is squandering your here and now! That's a valuable lesson to learn; I just wish I'd had that foresight sooner.
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