I love this post, Therese. Half of life is the trouble, and it is the trouble that motivates us and teaches us lessons that help us become better human beings. We miss alot if we don’t accept and integrate all of life, not only just the good parts. There is plenty of good and it is to be celebrated and enjoyed completely, but who wants to live half a life? Depression takes away enough, as it is. I don’t want to miss any of the rest of it, good or bad. I applaud your ability to stay real and true to your feelings – that ability will take you far. Good job.

Yeah for this post! I always get the “you’re a Delilah Downer” comment when I talk about “keeping it real” in my life. I gain a lot from the negatives in my life…the cancer, the depression, the fibromyalgia. It was so refreshing to read this post and see that I’m not the only one who “feels her feelings.” Thank you for this post.

Ness:
My mother calls me “Debbie Downer” too. “Maybe if you’d talk about happy things you’d be happier.”
Well, sure, there’s definitely a benefit to positive affirmations, and when people (like my girlfriend) remind me to do them in a POSITIVE way I do try them and they do, somewhat, help.
But the logical extreme of this kind of thinking is “The Secret,” or as I call it, magical thinking — “all I have to do is imagine it and it’ll come true, at least one day.”
IMO, the metaphysics (theology, philosophy, whatever word you choose) behind “The Secret”/the law of attraction is an abomination.
(Speaking of depressing thoughts for me …)

I understand what you are saying, Therese. One of the most difficult emotional experiences for me, not dissimilar to what you are expressing here, is when I am in a group of people after a crisis in my life and I am depressed. As the people gather, they are happy, kidding around, joyous. Comradarie is everywhere. But, where am I? Sitting quietly, sorting through the experience as best I can. Same room, same event, two very different sets of emotions. And, I think, “I don’t belong here. I don’t belong in this place where every chair seems to be an easy chair but mine.”
I try to remember that what I am dealing with is something that might take the other easy chairs in the room away if only the people sitting in them had gone through the same experiences (or at least that is what I tell myself).
And, I try to honor the contrast in life when it is not so blatant and personally painful. If the underpining of being “real” or being “optimistic” is courage, then both can be good. Example: Continuing to encourage a child who is struggling to learn or dealing with a serious illness or loss–this kind of optimism is the kind I like. As for being “real,” helping someone face a sudden and dramatic turn of events in their life by dealing with the facts and calling things by name, well…I like that.
To sum it up, if there is no contrast one, how can one appreciate the other side of an emotion. To know joy, one must know heartache in some form. To know peace, one must know conflict in some form.
It is through the constant weathering of the side of the mountain that the face of it becomes smooth.
Well said.

I remember when I was going through one of my very black periods of depression back in the 1980s when we were living on a shoestring, and my husband held a job working for a real jerk. I hated running into Mr. Jerk because he’d always say, “Smile. Things aren’t that bad.” Well, they were. I remember after my sister died, I was in a check-out line in a store and the clerk said, “Cheer up!” in her very perky way. If I had said then that my sister died, I would have broken down, so I gave a forced smile and left.
We live out of the place we are. Putting on an artificial smile, changes nothing fundamentally in our being. Talking about happy things isn’t going to make you happy, any more than pasting on a phony smile will. Change happens at the core and radiates outward.
I do believe that one thing we who suffer from depression have to realize, is that we can get so focused on ourselves that we rattle everything off that is screwed up in our lives, leaving the listener reeling. Most people don’t know how to respond. There has to be a balance. Everything isn’t terrible, or terrific.

that so so true i hate when people as k how are you doing and its like you have to put on some kind of happy face or the get all grumpy and tell you you never happy but if your reallin a good mood then its you must be haveing an episode.why cant we just be areselfs and be accepted life isnt on way or the other but thats oh we are aloud to have emotions good or bad.

Reminds of when I was taking my usual walk outdoors after my mom passed away and I definitely was doing it slowly because of a heavy heart and the man coming toward me said something about walking faster and I just said to him, “My mom just passed away and I don’t feel like it.” It just proves we never know what’s going on with a person and we should not judge.

Being a ‘realist’ has always helped work out and plan things… I remember when my most dear freind faced multiple probelms all at once (studies, job & money),,, i knew at once it would not be the OPTIMIST( the attitude that time will heal all!!!!) but the “REALIST” attitde that would work… You know exactly the timelines you need to set to achieve or make up for the loss,,, I firmly believe that you cant leave your troubles on time,,,, U need to make time work for you….
I also believe that conting your blessing and troubles is equally important, it helps you not to committ the same errors time and again,, u learn what works the best for you

First of all, people who have not been depressed do not understand depression. Their tendency, and I see it in my own mother, is to think and even to say, “Count your blessings,”, “You are so fortunate”, or “Just keep busy”. And, if you are Christian, there is the implied or even stated idea that we should be people of faith and with faith comes joy. Mother Teresa has said that mental illness is the crown of thorns of suffering and suffering is not incompatible with authentic faith in Christ. The challenge is to accept the suffering, try to get better while trusting in God, and not become bitter about life. Those three things are my hardest daily struggle with depression. And yes, children are great blessings, but they come with their own struggles which add to our burdens. Life is not a happy meal! More like the Last Supper!

WOW, the reason I’m on this website is so I can stop feeling this way. I think I’m passing on ill feelings to my children, which is the whole reason they always fight. I’m tired of saying, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all”. After surfing through this website, I just realized, it’s my fault. It’s nice to know that there are other moms that feel this way. I’m counting on GOD’s guidance to help me change.

i have been reading some of the buddhist materials from pema chodron and thich naht han (sp?) and they recommend smiling. sometimes smiling even when i feel down helps. it’s as if the outer is teaching the inner how to change a habit. sometimes it feels like a denial of real feelings.
but when i think of the times people smiled at me when i was down and it made my whole day better, there is a part of me that wants to do the same for others even though i may not be feeling happy myself. my little daughter used to smile for me and tell me to smile and send me smiley faces when i was down and her gesture in the face of our loss and pain helped me.
then there is that song, “they smile in your face, all the time they want to take your place, the backstabbers.” but that can become a self fulfilling prophecy to allow that kind of thinking to run the show.

Wow, I was Debbie Downer for the 1st 38 years of my life, I have turned over a new leaf, and basically what I did was make a choice. Choose and give over to God. Yes we are handed “bad” things in life and sometimes it is very hard to see the good. But I openend my heart and turned my life over to God. That doesn’t mean that I’m some freaky Jesus weirdo. That means I decided that being in relationship with God has helped me to focus on what I have and not what I don’t have. Jesus words speak to my soul and tell me that I am loved and accepted and having a loving spiritual community is helpful too. I can remember my energy being so low when life seemed so draining and overwhelming but when there was something I liked doing my energy somehow miraculously picked up. I realized in reality how much I created by negativity and energy drain. No one else can make you do anything or make you feel any way. We choose. Yes we may have issues that cause us to have reactions but if we get to the heart of those reactions we can be released from them and move on into a more peaceful and healthy outlook. My choice for doing this was through God. Peace to you all.

Are you saying that just because I choose to be an optimist rather than a pessimist, that I am not a realist. I accept my troubles, but I choose to believe things are going to get better. I spent most of my life being a pessimist and that brought me to hopelessness and suicidality. No, I don’t think that I should always be gloriously happy, but neither do I think it unrealistic to believe that sometimes I might be. Should I plaster a smile on my face when I don’t feel happy? Sometimes it helps to lighten my mood. Sometimes I get a smile in return. Sometimes it makes me feel totally false, and then I don’t smile. Realism is great, but so is bright hope.

Whoa, Whoa, Whoa Feeeeeeelings…You crack me up, Therese.
Hey and thanks for being REAL. I really pride myself in being real and authentic.
The fact that you admit the hardships or tough times or whatever you have with your kids is very refreshing. I never had children but I remember listening to sooo many moms (trying to convince me to have children) how rosey things were all the time. I KNOW they’re not. Who do they think they’re fooling? I mean, I know children are a blessing and parents have wonderful moments/days etc with their kids. But come on women, lets be real–it’s not ALWAYS wonderful!
Valerie

I came across this saying yesterday that makes sense to me…
“If you spend your life worring about your weaknesses, you’ll spend your life with your weaknesses!”

I struggle every day just to smile and feel good due to a break up it is very hard due to first relationship ever now I feel that I will never be happy maybe never was meant to be

Yes life is real, but YOU have a choice as to how you feel about it and go about living it.
I consider myself a real optimist. I look at both sides of the equation and figure out how to solve any of the problems. Then it becomes solutions which is positive.
It’s all in your out look and that choice is YOURS alone.

Being real is a wonderful thing. It is a step forward in life. A place were I would like to be. The realization is that life is good and bad. We are always going to have some type of adversity. But the catch is how are we going to handle it. These I call life lessons that we pass on one to another in order to help the next person overcome their obstacles. So no you do not have to have a smiley face all the time, life would not be worthwhile if you did.

Not everyone is dealt the same cards in life. Take for example the woman Lupe in the remark above. She’s gone through a breakup that was obviously not of her choosing (or it’s not of her choosing to be alone). I think we are at time a pretty ungrateful bunch. I think that SPIRITUALLY speaking as well as in attitude, we could stand to be a lot more grateful for what and whom we have in our lives…even if we aren’t happy all the time.

Wow. I’m glad that you mentioned you’re a realist because I never would have known. I have fought depression, cancer, near-fatal surgical infection, lose of a marriage and unemployment and financial difficulties and I have to say, I know I’m a realist.
You’re right. Life does have ups and downs and it is how you deal with the situation that matters. Wallowing = self loathing and depression; owning it = changing the situation. A realist is able to look at both the good and bad and appreciate the whole situation. You seemed to only talk about the bad of the situation…maybe, in the future, state that you love your kids but are having some difficulties with handling David’s anxiety….When you don’t state the positive and only the negative, no one knows that you’re a realist.

For me, happiness is equivalent to beauty, if it isn’t inside, it is only a facade when faked outside. Consequently. any type of fleeting glance can take it away. Truth is fashionable, and will always cause some type of problem when denied. It must be faced in order to solve any problem. As a result, unhappiness should be identified, dealt with and eliminated from the root cause. There were times when I flat out did not want to turn unhappiness aloose. But, when my blood pressure refused to stabalize, and my heart began to beat with the rhythm of an off beat drum, I began to use whatever healthy measures that were available. Gratitude became a priceless healing device. Many times, the simple act of observing the breath, and being thankful for the ability to do so, completely changed my mental disposition. It is not my desire to be happy because others expect me to be, I am happy because being in a state of happiness is in my gut level best interest, and this is real. Too many folk are too busy trying to please others whom they see periodically, and neglect themselves whom they have to live with.(wow, I didn’t intend to say this much)

AMEN !

I too feel that I am a realist with more leanings to the negative side. I think being a nurse and the health issues I have seen and the lonliness people face when they are old or ill has affected me. In my own life and my husband’s we are still bitter about the lack of sibling support with regard to our aging parents and also my disabled brother. Other family members don’t find the time to even call an Aunt alone in a home.(a kind and giving Aunt to all) I have trouble with that. When you find a caring person, hold onto them and treat them right as well because people always seem too “busy” to help. Don’t just monopolize the conversation, it should be give and take, when it drains you, distance yourself, you must preserve yourself.

Me, Myself, I went through a broken foot injury, losing my job because of the injury, my car breaking down and towed away, to my mother having a stroke on the week of my birthday. After all that, my faith just went down hill. I found it hard to be happy or a least try to smile, feeling another storm might come at me again. I know we face adversity in our lives all the time, but learning to accept it, challenging. I read a scripture in the bible each day, to stay focused and positive. And not let the negativity in. It’s saids in (Mt.11:28-30) Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Quoted From Jesus Himself…
God Is There For Us All, And he would not cast more burden on us, than we can handle…(AMEN)…

This may all be new ground for some people, but I think it has been covered, much more eloquently than I could, in the Serenity Prayer. Labeling events as good or bad is pointless. Many years ago I was fired from a job where I didn’t fit well. At that time I labeled myself as worthless, hopeless and many other negatives. Being fired from a job is BAD! A few weeks later I was hired for a job that led me to go back to school and to work in an area that gave me much satisfaction for many years. In this case, what I thought was BAD turned out to be one of the best things that ever happened to me. It occurs to me that we should remember that feelings aren’t facts. We are entitled to feel any way we choose about any event. I now choose to feel that nothing is all bad or all good. I prefer to look for the good, even when the bad is hitting me on the head.

I, too, am a realist, although I’ve been tagged both a pessimist and a fatalist. Phewy on people and their labels, that’s their problem, not mine, and I don’t have time to take on other people’s problems when they do nothing to help themselves other than whine and wish things were different — go rub a lamp for all your wishing. I’ve survived over 20 years of domestic abuse; I’ve survived the murder of my late husband by my ex-husband because he thought he owned me and that ownership lasted long past any divorce; I’m surviving severe depression (sure with suicidal tendencies, but that would just be a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and a choice I could never take back), severe anxiety, severe panic disorder and PTSD, but I wouldn’t go back and change a thing in my past that have caused all these things because that would mean I would never have met my wonderful late husband, and would never have met my even more wonderful present (and last, believe me) husband. Daily I thank God for all His blessings and for all the adversities and allowing me to survive the many, many bad choices I’ve made because of where and who I am today. God gives me the strength to carry on, to now make the right decisions most of the time, to accept life’s cards as they are dealt to me. I take my meds, which are finally right and are a permanent part of my life. I do what I’ve taught myself to do when one or more of my illnesses tries to take over and defeat me, first being a simple “help me God”. A smile on my face at all times? Let’s get real here. Can’t smile through a hammer smashed thumb because I missed. Can’t smile when a hip dislocates or tries to dislocate or just plain aches and makes it impossible to walk just because I have bilateral hip dysplasia. And who cares if some base construction worker isn’t happy with his home life so has to ask “would a smile hurt you”, that’s his problem to deal with, not my problem to put a bandaid on for his lustful pleasure. I can, however, empathize with a person suffering a loss, or an episode of depression that seems impossible, and I can stay beside a person in the midst of their panic attack reassuring them they’re safe because I also panic and I’m with them to help them be safe until this passes, because it will pass. Recognizing and accepting the bad with the good keeps it all in perspective for me. And I definitely see no need for me to justify my rough times by stating the good things first, my being present and alive gives evidence to the fact the good times exist, and anyone who can’t distinguish that has problems of their own they should be facing and dealing with. How could I possibly be thankful for the grace and strength of God if there were never any blocks in my path to go around or stumble over? God didn’t promise any of us a rose garden, but He did promise to be with us always and see us through everything. Thank you, dear Jesus, and God bless us all.

I was washing dishes one day and grabbing more plates for the soaking, I did not grab one saucer and it fell on my big toe. I yelled in pain and my honey asked what happened, I told him of course and told me I needed to get a cold pack for my throbbing toe. To my surprise as the cold was making me chilly, my honey started to finish the dishes for me. Life can be a surprise and can come when you least expect it, in my pain and agony this came to mind ” Sometimes you have to go through the hurt to get the greater good” and with that it should be included in lifes ups and downs, children, work, etc. We may not see the end yet, but OUR FATHER in heaven does, only HE can take away all pains and hurt away, only we must help HIM along.

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I don’t dwell in the negative, but it is a frequent guest in my life. Just recently I was diagnosed with a freaky rare disease called PXE. The translation sounds like a spell from “Harry Potter” and won’t mean anything to anyone anyway so I’ll skip it. I found out I have it after a biopsy I had after I started to loose the vision in one eye and after the shocked eye doctor found a really big pool of blood under the cornea or somewhere in that vicinity. Now I get to get shots in my eye in the useless hope that it will either get better or at least won’t get any worse. I say useless because it hasn’t gotten better and it is getting worse and I’m getting deeper in debt. The good news is that the eye specialist with the needle just went on a trip to “the islands”. I like to think I did my part in getting him there.
Point is, I’m going blind in one eye, the disease is affecting my circulation and balance and could possibly cause heart problems, so, if I want to wallow in self-pity on occassion or shake my fist at the sky in bewilderment and anger, just let me. Don’t tell me that there are people who have it worse than me and that I should count my blessings. I’m sorry for those who have worse problems, but this one is mine and I get to own it the way I want to. I know what my blessings are, but they may actually be short term because of this not so blessed illness, so excuse me if I’m a little ticked off about it. Bottom line, get out of my face and let me be sad or angry or frightened or whatever I need to be to deal. If I make jokes and laugh about, then count your blessings you were there for that and not the fist shaking. Have a good day or not. Your choice and I respect it.

Therese,
This year so far has been particularly painful for me, so I can really relate to what you are saying. Not only are we dealing with the characteristics we were born with, we are dealing with ongoing situations that may be a run of good for some people and a run of bad for others. My sister was one of those people born with a smile on her face. We are opposites. I was always the “serious one.” I got so sick of hearing everyone tell her how “smiley” she always was (and still is), and how sad I looked. Well, I wasn’t feeling sad inside, I just looked that way. I also didn’t like my smile. I was content being who I was until people made me so conscious that I wasn’t the way they expected me to be. It didn’t change me, just annoyed me a little. I am a thinker, and most thinkers don’t smile alot. We’re too busy solving everyone else’s problems. That’s serious stuff. I so agree with you that the world expects us to be positive all the time and there even seems to be a competition as to who can make the most positive difference from sordid things that happen to us. While on one hand ultra positive thinking can affect our body chemistries in a good way, and fill up some of the space that negative thinking takes up. I am a realist too, and I sort of feel to constantly expound on positives is an escape for many people who don’t want to deal with the truths out there. The world is a tough place for many of us, and yes, it’s okay to get sad, and mad. I guess it’s all about knowing when and where to put on that “party” face. I’ll probably save mine for the next social gathering or when I’m invited on Oprah, lol. As far as your wishing that people were real about what they were really feeling, be careful, you might get what you wish for! Opposites attract, and I married a really laid back, easy-going, never complaining man (not a big smiler though). After a long term marriage, people often become alike in certain ways. Instead of him being MY sounding board for my negatives, I find myself listening to someone who is sounding a little more like me and getting more serious about life from time to time. Ugh, I want the positve guy back again!

I’m blessed and I know this. But, about 1 and 1/2 years ago I was fired from my job. I spent the next 6 months looking for work and I found a job. Approx. 8 months after the company closed. So again I am looking for work, I beat myself up everyday telling myself I am worthless, useless, etc. because I am unable to help my husband with some of the household expenses. But he is really great he tells me everyday not to worry everything is under control he’s got it. And yes he is a excellant provider. He tells me this is not my fault and I am trying my best to find work and to be patient something good will happen for me. But best of all he tells me what a great job I am doing with our children (but I still felt horrible). My son had a birthday and I felt bad because I did’nt have enough money to have a BIG WONDERFUL party like I always do. Instead I made the cake and decorated it myself and got the party decorations from the dollar store. But it was not until that night I stopped and really counted my blessings, my son came to me and hugged me and told me thank you for being my mom and giving me the best party I’ve ever had. That’s when I stopped and thought it’s not about money or any of that I’m blessed that I have my family, our health, and that THE LORD gave me this time off with my children, because once they are grown I will NEVER get these days back. So in my case I learned to count my blessings and not my money because my children they don’t care how much money I have they’re just happy that I’m here spending time with them.

I tend to count only my curses and difficult trials-a habit I’d like to break because it’s quite exhausting. I believe that recognition of every blessing….e.g., 1. Success! Got out of bed (having a bed in which to sleep, and then actually waking to a new day). 2. Showered and dressed… and so forth. I try really hard to look at the trials as universal lessons to be learned, or as visits to the doctor’s office for some ailment to be cured. There exists pain in the moment, but hope for the future.
Love to all (really)
Sandra

Therese -
I think you have exposed the beliefs behind the current prosperity theology being preached locally as a form of Christianity: “The happy meal is on Jesus who has already paid the price. Jesus doesn’t want you to be unhappy or even unhealthy. Jesus doesn’t require you to repent or anything else except accept Him as the only Son of God. Then He’ll give you all the riches you ask for.”
The preachers claim that this is Jesus’ role and Jesus message. Those who believe what these preachers tell them behave the way your antagonists behave.
Having lived a life of ups and downs, when I try to relate my experiences, these antagonists accuse me of living in the past as if remembering any history besides their skewed view of the ministry of Jesus is an abomination in God’s sight.
Paste on the smile. Answer “How are you?” with a “Fine, thank you” and no other answer. Rhetorical questions feigning sincerity and personal concern are appropriate. My finding such fakery so dispicable is “anti-social.” As a matter of fact the behaviorial therapists (well, really, everybody around me) insist I not only indulge their hypocrisy but live in denial myself: they want me to ask the same rhetorical questions with the same impertinence.
I don’t tend to care whether or not everybody around me is feeling good when I’m one step away from dropping out of this existence.
So when I ask somebody how they feel about their day or their health, it is because I am in an emotionally-secure-enough place to invest personal concern for their welfare, especially if they have needs not being met.
It’s as if the people around me don’t believe that Jesus showed us, let alone told his disciples, that true believers will have hardships and that they shouldn’t care about wealth or other worldly measures of our self-worth. No these people take “belief” as expressed by Jesus to mean following His example and redefine it to mean “say you believe it” like the wolves in sheeps clothing decried by Jesus and His brother James. The antagonists take other things declared and exemplified by Jesus and twist it to their own benefit.
Knowing we will face hardship doesn’t make it any easier to take either. Remember Jesus in the garden pleading for reprieve? Jesus wept. That makes it okay for me too if I’m following His example.
Funny I can’t remember a passage where it says “Jesus laughed” like our antagonists would have us believe. I don’t even see much documentation of Him smiling. But He wasn’t always sad either. I think He was just a realist.

I am new to this web-site and have found that reading other people’s stories gives me courage to share mine. I do count my blessings but I also find it hard to stay positive when faced with so many hardships
Over a year and a half ago, I was in a tragic car accident where I lost my mother and a close friend of the family. I was the only survivor. The accident happened right in front of my parents sub-division. To this day, I still have nightmares about the accident, my father married my mother’s closest friend, and I was basically put out of the only house that I’ve been in for 29 years with two children. I have no job and have been moving from here to there with family and friends. Excse me when if I get mad when people say don’t dwell on the past or what you are going through because there are other people going through far worst. That may be true but don’t I have the right to not be happy or think about other people’s problems when mine are still occuring.

It is not a carnal sin to be for real.Being sad, not wanting to smile
are all a part of the real life.Not everyone wants to fake it.Be your
self!

I am what I guess you would call an optimistic realist. I have had a lifetime of trials, and have been depressed for most of my life – and still am. I do not have a natural smile. I have to make a real effort just to get a halfway decent smile. People think I am sad all the time (and for most of my life, I have been). I was mentally, emotionally, and physically abused the entire time I was in my parents house. I have also been emotionally, mentally and/or physically abused by 2 husbands. Recognizing the trials for what they are – and people for who they are – I suppose would count as being a realist. I can see both sides of the situation, and see the whole picture. With this said, I also always try to be positive. My husband now is wonderful. He knows what I have been through, and accepts me for who I am. My husband’s employer has cut his pay to the point that he is making 1/3 of what he was a year ago. Things are so bad, that I am scared to answer the phone (for however much longer I will have a phone). My kids need things and I have to tell them we don’t have the money. My husband is looking for another job, but so far, nothing. My kids are driving me crazy. They don’t do what they are supposed to do. They play too rough, and they fight a lot of the time. Threats and/or promises don’t work. Don’t get me wrong. They are wonderful, loving kids. My 5-year-old daughter told me I was the best mom in the world for taking her to the library. I am always being showered with hugs and kisses. People tell me all the time how well mannered, polite, and loving they are. But, they know when I am in a funk, and everything goes. I am crying as I type this, because I am in such despair. I do know Jesus as my personal saviour, but, we were not promised joyful elation all the time. We all have problems to deal with. Sometimes, Christians more so than others, maybe. Sometimes, I just get so overwhelmed that I can’t think straight or even seem to function enough to take care of my kids. All in all, though, I would not trade any of my past experiences for anything. Everything that has happened to me in my life has molded me into the person I am today. I guess that makes me a realist. And I know that everything will work out, I just don’t know when or how. And that makes me an optimist. If I could just kick this depression for good, that would be wonderful. In the meantime, I will just keep plugging along and pray for moments of clarity and sanity.

I tend to dwell on the bad things that come my way. I feel sad, depressed and alone. At times when I’m asked How are You? and since i’m feeling so sad, I answer “not too good, I just feel depressed”. The response is the same as another writer commented. There are poeple going through far worst. That’s not what we need to hear. I feel I have a right to be sad. I only know what i’m feeling, not the other people. It just shuts me down even more.

I’m blessed,every second of the day…Everyday i’m alive and in good health i blessed…I’v been unemployed for 1 year and 3 months i know i’m still blessed…My God,said he will supply all my needs according to his riches and glory in Christ Jesus!!!So i believe i’m blessed, because God says so…I know employment is right around the corner just waiting to grab a whole of me…Everyone is blessed they may not know it,but they are….Have a bless day!!!

I agree. I am constantly focused on my thoughts so that I can remain in good spirits, but there’s many hardships that hit us throughout our lifetime. I try to remind myself that this to shall pass and smile. You have been through a lot, but there are many people who are worst off for sure but that doesn’t minimize your pain and sadness. Take it to God, he is the only one you can trust.

It’s true, please be true to yourself, but get to know yourself. It’s ok to feel in the moment and it’s ok to cry. I get my joy from knowing that no matter what I am going through the smile I send off could bless another and in return bless me for helping them. I am totally an optimistic and a realist, but I choose to smile and I don’t think that’s being fake at all. As I respect all of your comments and feelings, just know that we are going through a process and how we cope with it builds our strength,faith, and character, which makes us stronger in the long run. God Bless and Be With Us All because Life throws so many curve balls.

I’m so glad I receive the Beliefnet: Your Peace of Mind as a daily email so that I didn’t miss the lead to this post. I think a recent poem I’ve written will let you know I’m in full agreement…sometimes I find myself in the middle of a crisis that just wears me down & then the platitudes I receive just wear me out…
Worn Out
An oft’ used cliche,
“Enough is enough!”
Apropos today,
I am weak, not tough.
Here’s a common one,
“Let go o’ the past!”
It cannot be done,
My mem’ries are vast.
Then there is this,
“Do unto others.”
I wince o’er the hiss,
As the pain hovers.
And out o’ the hurt,
“Keep on keepin’ on.”
The response is curt,
Conclusion foregone.
Another to share,
“It’ll be alright.”
I’m trapped in a snare,
Thoughts banal ‘n’ trite.
The promise to come,
“I’ll be there for you.”
If I should succumb,
I wonder, I do.
The best o’ the best,
“What would Jesus do?”
Lay me down to rest,
Arms around me too.
So, in other words,
The goin’, it’s tough,
To me it occurs,
“Enough is enough.”
©2008 Ruth Cox

Thank You for this post!!! I’ve tried it all, counting my blessings, remembering there are others who are worse off, let go and let God (i still believe and pray everyday), thinking positive, keep smiling, pleaseeeeeee give me a brake!!! what did i get from all of this???? a very bad case of TMJ just what i needed more PAIN! Yes i’m blessed in many ways, but living with constant pain and a body that is failing is not something you can ignore and i should not have to pretend that i’m not alright. I hurt, and i’m angry and often depressed and if that makes others uncomfortable So Be It! It’s not that i don’t love my family and friends, and it’s not like i won’t be there for them when they need me. Having the love of famiy and friends is one of the things that keeps me going, but the reality of my life is not all sweetness and light and that’s something i deal with each and eveyday and all i ask is that people will allow me to have days when being lite and smiling and laughing is not going to happen. There are days, weeks and months when i feel joy and happiness but no one (if we are honest) walks around like that each and every day….Noooo One!!!! I have always looked at life straight on without filters or rose colored glasses. I take each day with what it has to offer, the good with the bad and i believe thats what keeps me going.

After reading the comments of others, I was moved to tell my story. Someone mention there is always someone a little worst off than yourself.This is true. I can tell you in may of 2005 I went through a terrible divorce. I did not see it coming for I was so in love. A very heart breaking experience,later that year November to be exact my oldest sister died of colon cancer.Now if that was not enough in March of 2006 my next oldest sister was murdered,and it continues in Novemer of the same year my Mother died from breast cancer. I found myself asking the question. Why God? many will say you never question God, I have to differ. I asked the question and He gave the answer. He neve makes a mistake,I know and believe that he is pruning me for something so great. I went through not for me but for someone else. God has never left me, he constantly provides for me,I am constantly witnessing to others, yes many a time I am asked the question, How do you keep smiling. My reply is, there is no need to fret. God has already ordained my destination. It was planned before I was born. I go on because I know he has already worked it out. God is good, he is love and he promised me that he would not hold any good thing from me. I call on him all day long. one thing about the father he likes for you to call on him,he loves for us to cast all of our cares on him. One more thing I would like to add is my mother had seven children I am the only one living. I am on the battle field for my Lord. I can’t say I know what is in my future I just know that God said he would supply all of my needs, and he even said he would give me the desires of my heart. I ask him daily to teach me how to align my desires up with his. that way I know they will be met. As for fear of what may happen God is not the author of fear. The enemy will shoot fiery darts to make you doubt God. Just like we study to know God you have to study to know how the enemy works. He can peak into your future and do all he can to keep you from getting what the father has for you. Just know that he can only do what God allows him to do. To the faithful and to those who are rooted and gounded in the word he can’t do much. so when you feel down in out just know that God has already worked it out and it must be good.I tell you don’t be afraid even if you have to hit rock bottom, just know that God created the rock. BE BLESSED!

Therese re: And I guess some folks worry that my perspective on life might be contagious … that if I’m not counting ONLY my blessings–as opposed to counting EVERYTHING, blessings and curses–that I’m drowning myself and all those around me in a toxic negativity.
Looking at both the good and the bad is how you HAVE to do it, otherwise you are going to get blindsided. Back when I used to comment all the time I got enough crap about being optimistic that I stopped commenting – I stopped reading your blog and I quit BB all together. In the last couple of years I have lost a ton of money, I have found life long “friends” to be actually “fair weather” acquaintances, I had complications with corrective breast surgery (that I had to live with for a year), I lost my much loved Aussie (Bonnie) to cancer, I had reconstruction surgery to minimize to complications of the corrective surgery, and then my Chihuahua puppy (Beauty) got sick – spent her 1st and only birthday in intensive care – and died. I still cry over Beauty, I still miss Bonnie every day, and I know that Friends are Friends – fair weather or bad – so to those who showed their true colors… “See ya” =8-p
What I am saying is that if I was the optimist that some people thought I was?? well, I wouldn’t be “commenting” today. When you live life you live it all and you learn – if you don’t learn anything, if you just look at the bad stuff or just the happy stuff, then you are not living. Remember, God gave you life – what you do with it is your gift to God. Cry your eyes out, Laugh you head off, read, write, be happy and get mad. Do it all and Learn… God is known to love pop-quiz’s. ;-D
love ya (as Always) Aunt Barney (lol)

I’m not sure if this is where I should be writing this. It has taken me a while to open my mail from you. I am sorry. I subscribed quite a while ago and for some reason. I have avoided opening any mail addressed from you. I need to be able to get in contact with some christians to be able to get an understading of how to build a relationship with Jesus. Right now, I’m having a difficult time and I honestly want and NEED to have some christian friends.
If I’m in the right place to be asking this, please help me.
Thank You
Cindy Kaminski
Clinton Twp., MI.,48038

I am so glad that there is a name to how I feel also. I do not condiser myself a pesimist or optomist but now a realist. Your comment hit the nail on the head for me, as I travel down my own spiraling path somes down sometimes up. Thanks for the enlightenment.
kiddo

I understand completely. Although I am childless and in a “somewhat” relationship, I get the feeling that my “other” tends to live in a fantasy that everything is pretty much okay. Although I try to view life as it is and not as one hope it should be and my ?”other” states, “You should really have your doctor check you for bipolar”. What I really want to say is “You should really come to grip with life”. This for this great reading. I am so ecstatic someone feels the same as I do.
Keep up the great work.
P.S. I will make sure he reads this article and these comments.

I could not have said some of this stuff better.I loved everything everybody wrote.
Once ,when we were saying the Thanks Giving Prayer,then following along with the tradition that was started by my own little family (now huge)each and every person around the table,family,friend,neighbor who has no family,ALL who can speak,must say at least one thing that they are thankful for. When it was my turn,I said the usual,thankful for my family,friends,health….
then I said that I was thankful for the good times AND bad,(at this point,everyone looked at me like I just landed on earth from mars with a broken antenna.)then when asked WHY? I said, ‘think about it.With out the bad,we couldn’t appreciate the good.We wouldn’t learn anything,and with out the negative,we really could’nt understand the positive.We came here to learn and to teach and with out both there would be no balance,and most people would have everything that they wanted and would never call upon the name of Our Lord.If Christ suffered for our sins,what makes us think that life for us should always be a bed of roses?’
From then on,I know that at least a few of the ones present that day,started thinking about it.Several have even started going to church.
I’m not saying that what I said was the start of all of this,but I do know that we talked a lot about it during dinner and the rest of the evening.
I don’t think that you’re supposed to dwell on bad things from the past,but I do believe that you should’nt totally foreget it either.
I like concentrating on the good memories,but a very wise pastor was working with me the past few weeks and told me to write a letter to my mom. To tell her how some of the things she said made me feel.
not to sugar coat bad times,to examine each and everyone of these feelings!To talk about the good times,and to tell her what was special about her as well! To tell her what I took away from my up bringing that was positive,and what I learned from the bad and knew what not to do to my own children.To examine each and every emotion,to cry,to laugh and to remember the love and safety that I felt.(at times)
Then by the end of it foregive her.Then put the letter away or to burn it. My mother passed away in 2000.
I started the letter and the going got tough.This was on Saturday,July 19 th 2008. I worked a little at the time,then HAD to back away.
On July 22 nd I was woke up by my husband yelling that the police were out side and that they would’nt tell him what they wanted with me. I’ve not seen him that scared in the 20 years that I have known him. He thought that something had happened to one of the kids or grand kids or my sister.They told me to call my sister immediatly,that since they had the name John N. and not Jim N.they would’nt tell me what it was about. I knew it was about my brother Jim.I called her,she said to get to the hospital stat that he was bleeding out.
I got there,he was in something call MICU,We talked to all sorts of specialists,it wasn’t good. Through the next few days,we stayed by him with his 2 sons (grown)and went over our child hoods,good and bad.
My sister was so angry! She was talking about wanting to dig up both parents to beat them up. She yelled at me in front of the boys and asked me how I could foregive them? At that moment,I realized that I already had,and that my pastor so lovingly and patiently,had given me the tools to deal with the situation we were in.
I waited until we all calmed down a minute,then I said,’she was sick,she was an alcoholic and probably bi-polar,she had been hurt by the brother and father she trusted as a child,God only knows what the boys went through before we were born the way she was dragging them around (one brother was a repeater,the one we were with kept us safe),Dad was ignoring a lot of stuff because he just wanted to keep us all together,Jim,weather you want to see it or not ,was just like her.He was offered chance after chance to help his self,including a lobe off of my liver.He didn’t want to play by the rules and state guide lines.He told all of us what to do with it!He could have gone to detox and counceling and went along with the 6 months out patient program but he would have no part of it! The sad thing is,too late,he realized he had gone too far! Why do you think he was praying with us over the phone and wanting to stop drinking,and being nice to us?’
I told her,’you have to let the hurt from the past go,it’s poison!’
She’s still angry.I do believe that God is an ‘Own Time God!’
See,I developed a drinking problem my self after the death of my dad,son,and daughter in 13 months time.I had to get away from it.I looked in the mirror one day and saw my fathers’ bloated,drunk face looking back at me and realized,”My God,I’ve turned into them!”
Well,my brother went in God’s own time.He died on July 25 th,My birthday! I turned 49 that day.I know this,I don’t think it was a coincidence. I believe that there was a message there loud and clear,just in case I even thought about handeling the painful situation with alcohol as I had in the past.
I’ll never foreget the orange bloated brother lying on that hospital bed. I will still be a little angry that he had ruined his entire body to the point that his death couldn’t help save someone elses loved one not even his eyes or skin could be used to help a blind person see their child where he had turned a blind eye to his own sons,or a burn victem. But also,I will be forever thankful to him for the message that I walked away with and several of the young people in our family and circle of friends who visited him at the last and asked so many questions. One had been staying away from drugs except pot and was really developing a seriouse drinking problem,He asked the most questions. He remembered my brother from when they were in their early teens teaching them self defense,and walking around the yard on his hands (man,he was fit back then) now he’s going on 31 in Sept.
He hasn’t touched a drink of alcohol since that night.
So,maybe in a way,he saved at least a few lives.
Any way,don’t dwell on the bad,but don’t foreget it either. See what you can learn from it or teach.See how you can grow emotionally and spiritually.By all means,enjoy the good and thank God and who ever you’re with for the sweetness of it no matter how brief it may be.
Just remember,nothing very,very good,or very,very bad lasts very very long,but Gods love is eternal,and there’s a reason for everything,and That He will not put more on your shoulder’s than you can bear.

I have the most amazing kids…super grounded, go getters, athletes, beautiful. My husband tells me Im beautiful and that he loves me everyday. I have good friends. I have 4 of the most adorable Chihuahua’s you’ve ever seen….sooo whats my point? Im bipolar and struggle everyday just to appreciate an amazing life. When things come up they knock me flat. Im trying to trust that God has a plan. Both of my MAIN support people; my therapist and my best friend have cancer. My best friend has it in his liver and has already been literally gutted and there is no saving him. I dont get it and Im angry. Sometimes Im grateful for the time with my dying friend and other times Im angry with God…why him?? He is amazing and has been one of the most loving and accepting people of my bipolar and just me before diagnosis. We dont see man and woman, or bipolar and cancer we see eachother…simply a wonderful friendship. I agree live, live each day as best you can and FEEL whatever you need to feel, its OK! This one will get you; the other is my phsychologist of 6 years. I depend on her whenever Im out of control sad, happy, manic, whatever. God has to take care of me because once they are gone I have to make it. Suicide loses its temptation when the ones you love would give anything just to live. So live! Love, hurt, hug, smile, laugh its all ok!

I agree with you, Therese – live for the bad as well as the good. AND – Deby; what you have gone through to be able to laugh AND cry is a blessing. I have been criticized for seeing the good in situations, only to turn around and bemoan all the bad. I was diagnosed with bipolar 40 years ago; been on one medication after the other, and now am stabilized on my meds – thank God they found the right “cocktail!”
But – I’ve lost two husbands through death, and am NOW facing the biggest torment of my life: My CPA failed to file 2005 taxes, and the IRS and Dept. of Taxation are threatening to levy my bank accounts! I’m “freaked!”
But a chance encounter in Sunday School about a month ago, led me to a fellow parishioner who’s an ex-IRS agent, and he has volunteered to help me with the processes I have to go through to avoid this. I have already paid $2,900 to an advertised Tax Group to lessen/eliminate the debt – and they have done NOTHING. I am at my wit’s end, and this fellow church goer was right in front of me!
I have had 8 major operations, 3 of which almost killed me. I have been hospitalized for mania 3 times. I am now on Social Security Disability, so couldn’t afford what I owe to begin with. But – when I look back on the “bad,” I see how it’s made me stronger and able to help others along the same road. The “good” takes care of itself.
Thank you for your “slant” on NOT being a “Pollyanna” all the time, Therese – I think it would KILL me!!

I agree with you, Therese – live for the bad as well as the good. AND – Deby; what you have gone through to be able to laugh AND cry is a blessing. I have been criticized for seeing the good in situations, only to turn around and bemoan all the bad. I was diagnosed with bipolar 40 years ago; been on one medication after the other, and now am stabilized on my meds – thank God they found the right “cocktail!”
But – I’ve lost two husbands through death, and am NOW facing the biggest torment of my life: My CPA failed to file 2005 taxes, and the IRS and Dept. of Taxation are threatening to levy my bank accounts! I’m “freaked!”
But a chance encounter in Sunday School about a month ago, led me to a fellow parishioner who’s an ex-IRS agent, and he has volunteered to help me with the processes I have to go through to avoid this. I have already paid $2,900 to an advertised Tax Group to lessen/eliminate the debt – and they have done NOTHING. I am at my wit’s end, and this fellow church goer was right in front of me!
I have had 8 major operations, 3 of which almost killed me. I have been hospitalized for mania 3 times. I am now on Social Security Disability, so couldn’t afford what I owe to begin with. But – when I look back on the “bad,” I see how it’s made me stronger and able to help others along the same road. The “good” takes care of itself.
Thank you for your “slant” on NOT being a “Pollyanna” all the time, Therese – I think it would KILL me!!

I agree with you, Therese – live for the bad as well as the good. AND – Deby; what you have gone through to be able to laugh AND cry is a blessing. I have been criticized for seeing the good in situations, only to turn around and bemoan all the bad. I was diagnosed with bipolar 40 years ago; been on one medication after the other, and now am stabilized on my meds – thank God they found the right “cocktail!”
But – I’ve lost two husbands through death, and am NOW facing the biggest torment of my life: My CPA failed to file 2005 taxes, and the IRS and Dept. of Taxation are threatening to levy my bank accounts! I’m “freaked!”
But a chance encounter in Sunday School about a month ago, led me to a fellow parishioner who’s an ex-IRS agent, and he has volunteered to help me with the processes I have to go through to avoid this. I have already paid $2,900 to an advertised Tax Group to lessen/eliminate the debt – and they have done NOTHING. I am at my wit’s end, and this fellow church goer was right in front of me!
I have had 8 major operations, 3 of which almost killed me. I have been hospitalized for mania 3 times. I am now on Social Security Disability, so couldn’t afford what I owe to begin with. But – when I look back on the “bad,” I see how it’s made me stronger and able to help others along the same road. The “good” takes care of itself.
Thank you for your “slant” on NOT being a “Pollyanna” all the time, Therese – I think it would KILL me!!

I agree with you, Therese – live for the bad as well as the good. AND – Deby; what you have gone through to be able to laugh AND cry is a blessing. I have been criticized for seeing the good in situations, only to turn around and bemoan all the bad. I was diagnosed with bipolar 40 years ago; been on one medication after the other, and now am stabilized on my meds – thank God they found the right “cocktail!”
But – I’ve lost two husbands through death, and am NOW facing the biggest torment of my life: My CPA failed to file 2005 taxes, and the IRS and Dept. of Taxation are threatening to levy my bank accounts! I’m “freaked!”
But a chance encounter in Sunday School about a month ago, led me to a fellow parishioner who’s an ex-IRS agent, and he has volunteered to help me with the processes I have to go through to avoid this. I have already paid $2,900 to an advertised Tax Group to lessen/eliminate the debt – and they have done NOTHING. I am at my wit’s end, and this fellow church goer was right in front of me!
I have had 8 major operations, 3 of which almost killed me. I have been hospitalized for mania 3 times. I am now on Social Security Disability, so couldn’t afford what I owe to begin with. But – when I look back on the “bad,” I see how it’s made me stronger and able to help others along the same road. The “good” takes care of itself.
Thank you for your “slant” on NOT being a “Pollyanna” all the time, Therese – I think it would KILL me!!

It seems like things are taken out of contexts or seen only through everyones own filter. Problems help me to grow but I dont like or look forward to them. I try to look at the lesson in each crisis/ problem. Looking on the bright side is important and I am seldom good at it but I try. smiling is always better than frowning. Venting helps me to get it out and get back on an even keel.I try to pray BEFORE I get overwelmed. afterall, nothing is permanent except for change. well thanks for listening, don in new york

Okay, yeah but even Pollyanna goes postal now and then! Trust me , I’ve seen it happen. All kidding aside…you need some bad to really appreciate the good. At the risk of sounding flipant and philosophical the human spirit needs obstacles to overcome or it dies on the vine. Why do you think so many famous people with their “perfect” lives are so screwed up? Those of us on the OCD “south side of sane” need something to worry about or we would really drive outselves crazy!

Agreed about looking at the highs and lows. I used to think of myself as an idealist because I always felt my ideal ways were gracious, perfect ways. As a realist, I see one cannot always get his or her way- no matter how hard he or she tries…. something’s gotta give…eventually. Looking at the reality of life on Earth, I see life is a journey. Some of us get trapped in our own ego and material goods- while others either find their way with lies and ignorance, or realism, pain, and virtue. I feel I relate to the latter. I feel that I experience good times and bad times equally, and, it is harder for me to cope with the bad times because of some hopeless/helpless feelings I can’t either control or get rid of. However, I notice my attitude can change the wind, so to speak. Sometimes, (not all the time)I can do something to change a bad time to a good time. I think it is due to the situation at hand. If I am feeling down and blue–getting out of my blue environment helps- along with a change of thought, hope, and energy-fill.
Life is a journey, emotions are crazy, and we-humans need to breathe, live, and fulfill.
*Peace*

Hi I never red or answered one of these posts, yet I am very happy to be here and to have read all your comments. I see all of your experiences as real and profound. We all have positive and negative situations in life, that’s the reason,I believe, of why we are here, to learn and grow from them like Lolita said. It is very important how we look at these lessons of life and try to be above, and see what we have learned from them after we have gone through them, we need to balance the possitive with the negative. In many instances it gets tuff and we need outside help. I have had many good experiences in my life I would say more possitive than negative ones, but it is being a rollercoaster though. Some of the lessons have been very intense and dark you might say, but I realized that I needed the downs to be able to get the ups. I consider myself to be a realist. But I try to stay possitive above all things, and I smile as much as I can because I know that I can send a message of hope with just a simple smile. Somebody’s smile is what you want to make of them. The negativity doesn’t come from the person smiling, it is coming from the person doing the judging. The person smiling at you is not a shallow, or mean person, to me is a person with a kind heart, telling me everything is OK or things can be what you want them to be. A smile is always good unless you know that the person smiling has hurt you and is sending you the wrong message of “I know I have hurt you and I don’t care”. Otherwise smiles are always good. They are the reflection of your innerself. You won’t believe what happened to me at Walmart yesterday Friday 8-8-08. I met this lady(never saw her before) and I started talking to her about things, politics, life, prices going up, etc.. and I noticed both of us had a peaceful outlook about things and life in general. We felt like old acquaitances. At the end we hug, yes we did, and I felt so good that I was able to do this with a complete stranger. You see, we are learning the easy and hard lessons. But we can see the glass half empty or half full? It is up to us.
To you Leslie, don’t despair, keep the faith, most people are or were where you are now. I know things will get better for you or anybody that has faith in God, Jesus and in themselves too. Put your trust in God, Jesus and everything else will follow. Ask for guidance and believe in that things can happen if you believe. Jesus said very clearly. “faith will move mountains”. Remember to give your children love, it is very important. They are looking up to you and they want to be loved. I was deprived of it as a child by my mother, I know her life was very hard and I don’t judge her, yet it affected me immensely. I thought all my life she didn’t love me.God bless you and yours and everybody here. Love and Peace always. aac.

Nothing in life is perfect.take the good with the bad,how will we overcome,how will we notice the good if we don’t experience the bad.what if we had cancer or some other diesaese,we would have hi’s and low’s so it is with bi-polar,.why do we allways try to make by po-polar sound so ailen.it’s just another illness we have to deal with.so we do the best we can.find out all we can like any other illness and control it like anything else.simle a little cry a little and push through.much love to us all.

I agree about the pressure to be happy all the time. What bothers me more is the fact that we are always pressured into measuring our blessings and happiness against the misfortunes of others. It seems to make happiness a guilt trip! I think I will be happy when the feeling strikes the “happy chord” in me and create my own joy where I can.