My friend Priscilla (who runs the very successful The Faith Club Group on Beliefnet's Community) and I were just e-mailing each other the other day about the pressure we feel to be happy all of the time. I mean, in this society, you need to plaster a grin on your face or else you get construction workers making smart remarks like "Lady, Would it kill you to smile?"
I've always been a realist, as opposed to an optimist. And I guess some folks worry that my perspective on life might be contagious ... that if I'm not counting ONLY my blessings--as opposed to counting EVERYTHING, blessings and curses--that I'm drowning myself and all those around me in a toxic negativity.
I, however, feel that I'm just being real. Why is it so bad to be real?
I've visited this topic on Beyond Blue before, of course, on my posts "Enough with the Gratitude!" "Complaint-Free? Not!" (I like that one), "I like Whine," "Whining Welcome on Beyond Blue," and Beyond Blue reader Margaret's masterpiece, "Spare Me the Platitudes."
But it is a topic worth revisiting because Group Beyond Blue member Luthitarian started a fascinating discussion thread called "Counting Not Just the Blessings" at Group Beyond Blue at Beliefnet's Community. Here is what he writes:
For some time, I have been waiting to get my hands on Jane Pauley's book, "Skywriting," ever since the PBS program on depression, where I learned of her bipolar illness. A statement she made in the preface really struck me: "'Just look on the bright side' strikes me as an essentially pessimistic point of view. I can't deny the research that says optimists live longer, but I think they lack the faith to take life whole and it comes no other way. I like to think that 'Skywriting' is about looking toward the bright side, knowing the journey there will not always be a straight line but rather a spiraling path that moves forward in a pattern of turning back--purposeful wandering. Here's where the realist in me is revealed for an optimist, because I believe in my future enough to risk finding that my idea of my past has been something of a fantasy."
Wow!! That struck me as a really powerful statement. I'm sorry, but to me the optimist who wants to look only on the bright side is a bit of a Pollyanna. On my way to the library to pick up this and other books on reserve today, I passed a church with the message board that read: "Count your blessings and not your troubles." The response came immediately to mind, "Thanks, but I'll keep careful tabs on BOTH if you don't mind!" I don't want to dwell on the negative, but I don't want to pretend there is only the positive.
Well, maybe pretend is too strong a word. Let's say instead I don't want to live as if only the positive mattered. That's why I have always chosen to consider myself a realist. Maybe that's also why I have trouble buying into affirmations and "positive thinking."
I was so refreshed to read that, because sometimes I feel as if I'm the only one who speaks the truth--the naked truth--about life and it's many challenges. Maybe it's the writer in me that loves the contrast of highs and lows, a dramatic curve, and wants to express all the emotions invested in a day. Maybe it's the bipolar in me who jumps on the rollercoaster and is dying to tell everybody about the wild ride. But I just wish more people were real about what they were REALLY feeling.
If this were a video blog, right now I'd burst into my very bad version of Barry Manilow's "Feelings."
Example:
At my 15-year college reunion, everyone got out their snapshots of the kids, and waxed poetry about Timmy's cute habit of biting his sister, and Ella's wonderful fascination with Hannah Montana. Yada yada yada. Yeah, kids are great. But when I started to talk about how frustrated I was with David's anxiety--how incredibly exhausted I was trying to balance the needs of my two little ones with my job and my marriage--how sometimes I wish it was just me again, no baggage, they all looked at me as if I were speaking in Mandarin Chinese.
One friend looked up and asked me, "Do you enjoy them at all?"
OF COURSE I DO. What did I say to give you that impression? That I don't love every minute? That I struggle with parts of parenthood?
Ironically, this is all coming from the editor of the book "I Love Being a Mom."
I think that's what's wrong, actually. There are too many books like mine (compiled PRE-breakdown, of course) and too many Oprah episodes, and too many motional speakers and sermons and cheesy nuts (people, not food) giving us the impression that we are way "off" to think that our experiences in life shouldn't be anything but a big happy meal. With a cool toy included! (That comes from a Chinese factory that makes little Chinese boys sweat for 12 hours.) Oops. There I go again.
"F-E-E-L-I-N-G-S .... " (it's playing in the background now, as I close)
To read more Beyond Blue, go to www.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.
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Okay, yeah but even Pollyanna goes postal now and then! Trust me , I've seen it happen. All kidding aside...you need some bad to really appreciate the good. At the risk of sounding flipant and philosophical the human spirit needs obstacles to overcome or it dies on the vine. Why do you think so many famous people with their "perfect" lives are so screwed up? Those of us on the OCD "south side of sane" need something to worry about or we would really drive outselves crazy!
Agreed about looking at the highs and lows. I used to think of myself as an idealist because I always felt my ideal ways were gracious, perfect ways. As a realist, I see one cannot always get his or her way- no matter how hard he or she tries.... something's gotta give...eventually. Looking at the reality of life on Earth, I see life is a journey. Some of us get trapped in our own ego and material goods- while others either find their way with lies and ignorance, or realism, pain, and virtue. I feel I relate to the latter. I feel that I experience good times and bad times equally, and, it is harder for me to cope with the bad times because of some hopeless/helpless feelings I can't either control or get rid of. However, I notice my attitude can change the wind, so to speak. Sometimes, (not all the time)I can do something to change a bad time to a good time. I think it is due to the situation at hand. If I am feeling down and blue--getting out of my blue environment helps- along with a change of thought, hope, and energy-fill.
Life is a journey, emotions are crazy, and we-humans need to breathe, live, and fulfill.
*Peace*
Hi I never red or answered one of these posts, yet I am very happy to be here and to have read all your comments. I see all of your experiences as real and profound. We all have positive and negative situations in life, that's the reason,I believe, of why we are here, to learn and grow from them like Lolita said. It is very important how we look at these lessons of life and try to be above, and see what we have learned from them after we have gone through them, we need to balance the possitive with the negative. In many instances it gets tuff and we need outside help. I have had many good experiences in my life I would say more possitive than negative ones, but it is being a rollercoaster though. Some of the lessons have been very intense and dark you might say, but I realized that I needed the downs to be able to get the ups. I consider myself to be a realist. But I try to stay possitive above all things, and I smile as much as I can because I know that I can send a message of hope with just a simple smile. Somebody's smile is what you want to make of them. The negativity doesn't come from the person smiling, it is coming from the person doing the judging. The person smiling at you is not a shallow, or mean person, to me is a person with a kind heart, telling me everything is OK or things can be what you want them to be. A smile is always good unless you know that the person smiling has hurt you and is sending you the wrong message of "I know I have hurt you and I don't care". Otherwise smiles are always good. They are the reflection of your innerself. You won't believe what happened to me at Walmart yesterday Friday 8-8-08. I met this lady(never saw her before) and I started talking to her about things, politics, life, prices going up, etc.. and I noticed both of us had a peaceful outlook about things and life in general. We felt like old acquaitances. At the end we hug, yes we did, and I felt so good that I was able to do this with a complete stranger. You see, we are learning the easy and hard lessons. But we can see the glass half empty or half full? It is up to us.
To you Leslie, don't despair, keep the faith, most people are or were where you are now. I know things will get better for you or anybody that has faith in God, Jesus and in themselves too. Put your trust in God, Jesus and everything else will follow. Ask for guidance and believe in that things can happen if you believe. Jesus said very clearly. "faith will move mountains". Remember to give your children love, it is very important. They are looking up to you and they want to be loved. I was deprived of it as a child by my mother, I know her life was very hard and I don't judge her, yet it affected me immensely. I thought all my life she didn't love me.God bless you and yours and everybody here. Love and Peace always. aac.
Nothing in life is perfect.take the good with the bad,how will we overcome,how will we notice the good if we don't experience the bad.what if we had cancer or some other diesaese,we would have hi's and low's so it is with bi-polar,.why do we allways try to make by po-polar sound so ailen.it's just another illness we have to deal with.so we do the best we can.find out all we can like any other illness and control it like anything else.simle a little cry a little and push through.much love to us all.
I agree about the pressure to be happy all the time. What bothers me more is the fact that we are always pressured into measuring our blessings and happiness against the misfortunes of others. It seems to make happiness a guilt trip! I think I will be happy when the feeling strikes the "happy chord" in me and create my own joy where I can.
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