September 2008 Archives

From the number of comments (over 200) posted to my "12 Ways to Make Friends" article I now know that many of us are lonely and would love a new friend. So I've revised my post, added one more place to meet people (Church! Thank you, readers, for this suggestion), and let my editor, Holly, work her magic with the accompanying art. To view the gallery, click here. I've excerpted my introduction below.

They say it takes a village to raise a child. Well, it also takes a village--at best a supportive community, and at the least a few very good friends--to keep a person sane and happy. All of us need companionship, which is exactly why teenagers are texting their friends in the middle of dinner (TMI, BFF, OMG ...), and why people who didn't own a personal computer last year now have profiles on Facebook, My Space, and other social-networking sites. 

Beyond Blue reader Rock wrote: "I am 56 years old and it's a comfort to me to read how many of you have experienced what I have in feeling lonely and not able to make friends and connect with people." So many others have articulated the same. Even those in happy marriages or committed relationships, even those surrounded by people who know their name. In our hearts, we all crave for the deep connection that a graced friendship can offer.

Maybe the first trick to finding friends is to befriend ourselves, and to become comfortable with silence, because no one has the power to make us feel okay with ourselves but us. But, lest we stay quiet for too long, here are 13 techniques to meet new friends, which I think everyone can benefit from, because, as I learned in Girl Scouts a few hundred years ago (where I didn't make any friends...some are silver and the others are old, I mean gold.

Learn How to Make New Friends... by clicking here.

To read more Beyond Blue, go to www.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.

We've had several discussions at Group Beyond Blue (at Beliefnet Community) about how we can welcome the newbies into our community and how to be sure not to miss those who need the support but might not be as chatty as the regular folks. One system we came up with is to have a monthly newbie thread, where all those who joined Group Beyond Blue during the month can introduce themselves and tell us a little about what they need or hope to get from the group.

September's thread seemed to work well. Because all the veteran Group Beyond Blue members made sure they check into the newbie thread to welcome them in. That way we don't have to comb through all the discussion threads to see the new faces.

Another purpose of this monthly thread is to ask those newbies, or any Group Beyond Blue member, if they would like a letter for their self-esteem file. I am in the process of forming a committee of letter-writers, to replace the Self-Esteem Forum that Group Beyond Blue hosted every month.

So be sure to check out each month's newbie thread and say hello to our newer members.

To read more Beyond Blue, go to www.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.

On Mindful Monday, my readers and I practice the art of pausing, TRYING to be still, or considering, ever so briefly, the big picture. We're hoping this soul time will provide enough peace of mind to get us through the week!

On the first page of the book "Cutting Loose: An Adult's Guide to Coming to Terms with Your Parents," by Howard Halpern (same guy who wrote "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person") my guardian angel Ann wrote: "This was a key book for me in therapy. I really learned how to relate to my family and let go of many unhealthy expectations."

That was BEFORE I told her I was disturbed by a family situation that was triggering some of the anxiety I felt in my childhood.

Halpern writes:

We're adults. We've got all the credentials and scars to show for it. ... But a grown-up is supposed to possess himself, to be his own person, to make decisions according to his wishes and his best judgment. Too often we find that this is not the case with us. Frequently we are so limited by habitual ways of acting and thinking, so needful of the approval of others, and so afraid of their disapproval that we don't own ourselves at all. We are like a corporation that has gone public, and other people own controlling shares. And for many of us in that position, the biggest shareholders are our parents. ....The parent-child relationship is a primary source of who we are, and the mutual emotional attachments are derived from countless interactions, conscious and hidden memories, and profound feelings that go back to our days of oneness with them.

Last week in therapy I began to understand that--the parent corporation thing, and how it plays out in your adult years-- with an unexpected clarity. I even named my issue.

"What I have," I explained to my therapist, "is an 'intimacy block.' Every time I'm about to invest my heart and soul in someone, a voice pipes up and warns me, 'Whoa there, Girlfriend! Step back and protect yourself.'"

The message is like the disclaimer on all over-the-counter medications: "Could cause drowsiness, vomiting, rashes, measles, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, or massive intimacy problems. Take only as directed by your doctor, I mean therapist, because I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU IF YOU POP THESE LITTLE BABIES. YOU VERY WELL MIGHT DIE, OKAY?"

In case you're confused, I accidentally published this last week. Sorry! Now it makes sense given today's mindful Monday meditation.

Some of you have already seen this video about my reading through my junior-high journals and the process of coming to terms with my childhood anxiety and depression. My inner-child work began here. It has been a long process and a lot of work, but I think I'm finally getting to the freer me on the other side.

To view my YouTube video click here.

To read more Beyond Blue, go to www.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.

On Fridays I will address a question related to depression and find the answer from an expert. If you have a question you want answered, please ask it on the combox of this post, and I'll try my best to do some research and feature it in an upcoming Friday post.

I've been amazed by the mass of comments posted to my articles about emotional and physical affairs: "10 Steps to End an Affair," "The Emotional Affair," and "10 Red Flags of an Emotional Affair." Because guilt can be a major ingredient to severe depression--and because so many Beyond Blue readers struggle with impure thoughts--I thought it would make for an appropriate Friday question. So I bring to you the wisdom of Dr. Christine B. Whelan, an Iowa-based social historian who is author of the book, "Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women" and writes the "Pure Sex, Pure Love" column for the young-adult spirituality website Busted Halo.

You can get to her excellent column "Impure Thoughts: What are they and where do they come from?" by clicking here. I have excerpted from it below.

Question: What do I do about my impure thoughts?

Dr. Christine Whelan:

The Bible tells us "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he" (Proverbs 26:7) and the Buddha is quoted as saying "What we think, we become." Our minds are powerful tools, so it's fair to ask the question: what counts as an impure thought? Why are these thoughts wrong? And isn't just thinking it better than doing it?

Indeed, this is a hot topic. A record number of respondents filled out our recent BustedHalo survey on impure thoughts--and young-adult Catholics aren't always in agreement with the experts.

Impure or forbidden thoughts include sexual fantasies, violence against others or ourselves, cheating, divorce, rape, and other behaviors that we think of as the worst possible things we could do or have happen to us.

According to our poll, so-called impure thoughts are common: 70% of male respondents and 30% of female respondents said they have what they consider to be impure thoughts once a day or more. Some 43% of respondents said they had confessed their impure thoughts to a priest--and men were more likely to confess than women.

But if the thoughts pop into your mind and then leaves fairly quickly, it's probably not a big deal. In fact, psychologists often say this is part of the way humans think about right and wrong and reinforce our own ideas of what we would and wouldn't do.

"Impure feelings simply exist. They aren't moral realities. It's what we do with them that determines if they are sinful or not," said Fr. Gerard J. McGlone, an assistant professor of clinical psychology at St. Joseph's University. "A sin is a free, conscious act of the will. An impulsive reaction to a situation you didn't choose isn't a conscious act of the will. How can that be sinful?"

Dear God, I apologize if I don't have the right image here, when reading about Jesus's many temptations in the desert, where he fasted for 40 days. For my Christology class back in college we were assigned to read...

The other night I was looking for an article when I came across this response to my post "Dear God: Why E-Harmony Has Got It Wrong" where I explained that I thought it was unfair that eHarmony includes depression among...

My brilliant editor, Holly Rossi, compiled a beautiful gallery from the content of my post, "12 Ways to Keep Going." Click here to view the gallery. A woman who lives with chronic pain said to my mom the other...

I needs LOTS of coaching on perseverance because this essential virtue depends on another one called patience, which God ran out of the day He made me. Here are some beautiful quotes on perseverance: "Most of the things worth doing...

Beliefnet's health editor (and my editor), Holly Rossi, did an exceptional job of compiling a variety of different posts and galleries on a bipolar resource page. It's like the Target of bipolar information. No need to go around to all...

Writer Jennifer Egan published an excellent, comprehensive article about bipolar disorder among kids in Sunday's New York Times Magazine. She profiles several different families as well talks to experts in the field, asking doctors how they go about diagnosing a...

On Mindful Monday, my readers and I practice the art of pausing, TRYING to be still, or considering, ever so briefly, the big picture. We're hoping this soul time will provide enough peace of mind to get us through the...

On Fridays I will address a basic psychiatric question and find the answer from an expert. If you have a question you want answered, please ask it on the combox of this post, and I'll try my best to do...

On Fridays I will address a basic psychiatric question and find the answer from an expert. If you have a question you want answered, please ask it on the combox of this post, and I'll try my best to do...

Like most dinner conversations last night, ours was about Wall Street and our course of action. As Eric and I talked about what best to do at a time of financial crisis, it occurred to me that the same...

I started a discussion thread called "Wall Street Anxiety" at Group Beyond Blue at Beliefnet Community, where I asked folks to share their tips on combatting financial panic. Join the conversation by clicking here. To read more Beyond Blue,...

What's the difference between say, a nutrition bar and a piece of fudge? They share some of the same ingredients, and they both taste good with coffee, but you can rationalize one as health food, where as the other, well,...

When I was an assistant editor at U.S. Catholic magazine, I remember publishing a piece by Christine Gudorf called "Don't Cancel That Guilt Trip." She makes a strong case for why we should, as a society, hang on to a little guilt...

Last month, I dedicated a day to the topic of women's issues and depression: how our hormonal fluctuations contribute to depression and bipolar disorder. Some readers questioned whether or not the figures were accurate--that twice as many women than men...

I know my title sounds sexist. Like men are the only ones working. HELLO??!!! Job stress triggers depression in women, too! BUT research suggests that job stress is often the primary trigger for depression in men, whereas relationship stress (you...

One of my favorite male bloggers is John at Storied Mind because he writes about things most of my readers can relate to: work stress, sexual addictions, and the fine line between health and illness. I love his post called...

Also from MayoClinic.com, these health complications resulting from untreated depression, and the suicide statistics for males (note: this is written for the reader seeking help): Like other men, you may feel that your depression symptoms aren't severe. You may believe...

In her book "Seven Sacred Pauses: Living Mindfully Throughout the Hours of the Day," spiritual teacher Macrina Wiederkehr writes: The mystical possibilities are revealed to us in our intentional pauses. ... If we practice living mindfully, we slowly begin to...

On Mindful Monday, my readers and I practice the art of pausing, TRYING to be still, or considering, ever so briefly, the big picture. We're hoping this soul time will provide enough peace of mind to get us through the...

I guess because it's the start of a new school year I want to shake things up a little and add some new features. So we have "Mindful Monday" when we get to navel gaze and be all spiritual, Wednesday...

On Fridays I will address a basic psychiatric question and find the answer from an expert. If you have a question you want answered, please ask it on the combox of this post, and I'll try my best to do...

I loved James Bishop's suggestions of ways to support someone struggling with depression. You can't go wrong if you follow his directions on what to say to a friend or relative about this topic no one wants to address.  To...

Dr. Christine Whelon, author of "Why Smart Men Marry Smart Women" and columnist with BustedHalo.com wrote an important column recently to address a reader, Susan, who had been dating a man struggling with depression. Following are some excerpts from...

I am at war against my thoughts most of the day. "I stink at this. She hates me. I'm a bad mom." Blah. Blah. Blah. So, much of my therapy involves finding tools to help me filter and let go...

Beliefnet just featured an excerpt from O, The Oprah Magazine, about obsessive thoughts, which included several good pointers. You can get to the gallery by clicking here. It begins .... Ruminating regularly often leads to depression. So if you have...

If you ever have a hard time, um, calming yourself down, take a look at my Beliefnet gallery featured on the main page, "7 Quick Ways to Calm Down." It begins .... I'm easily overwhelmed. When my kids' exuberant...

According to NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness): Bipolar Disorder Awareness Day was created by the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), originally supported by a grant from Abbott Laboratories, to increase awareness of bipolar disorder, promote early detection...

During this hiatus from the online world, I realized that all the information I force feed myself during a normal workday is as unhealthy for me as fast food. Now that I'm back to my desk, I don't want to...

I just found a great article on clearing e-mail clutter on a blog called "Think Simple Now." She offers a few suggestions on how to tweak your preferences so to avoid the land of clutter anxiety. And don't fool yourself...

Thanks to Group Beyond Blue member Deep Within for starting the discussion thread on Group Beyond Blue called "YOU did that!" She's absolutely right in that we are quick to congratulate children on their small and big accomplishments throughout...

I realize that this post is a tad hypocritical since my paycheck depends on your clicks, but I need to tell you about my inner transformation during my 19-day hiatus from the computer because, as you might suspect, my mood...

The following excerpts are taken from "Modern Spiritual Masters: Writing on Contemplation and Compassion" edited by Robert Ellsberg: 1. To Hear God Talk And if we really want to pray we must first learn to listen, for in the silence of...

The following Beliefnet gallery was timely for me since I'm finally realizing the healing power of solitude and actually letting myself enjoy my own company, where I can be still and silent for a few minutes. To get to the...

I recently confessed to a friend who suffers from Seasonal Affective Disorder that I get anxious upon hearing the humming sound of the cicadas in late July because I know summer is about finished and it's almost time to get...

Just when I thought I had a lot of goals, I read Alisa Miller's article on "100 Healthy Habits You Should Start in College." Each area of your life (like sleep) has seven or eight goals. That's a lot of...

I can never read Robert Fulghum's poem, "All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten," too many times. Every time I read it I gain a new truth. Today I'm concentrating on the line, "Warm cookies and cold...

Awhile back I started a discussion thread on jealousy at Group Beyond Blue (you can get to by clicking here). Check some great suggestions on what fellow depressives do when they start feeling green! To read more Beyond Blue,...

Back when the private writings of Mother Teresa were published, we talked a lot about the difference between the dark night of the soul and clinical depression. My friend Jim Martin became the talking head on that point in various...

The following piece, "Shadows in Prayer," written for "America" magazine by my priest friend, Jim Martin, who is like the Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus (superstar) of the Catholic publishing and media world, is a fascinating read because it covers absolutely...

I recently did some research for a women's magazine about depression in young women (ages 18 to 30). The editors wanted to know why so many more women than men struggle with depression. I got out my copy of "A...

We've discussed the topic of infertility and depression often on the discussion boards of Group Beyond Blue. The risk for depression is real among women having difficulty getting pregnant and this is why, according to Dr. Ruta Nonacs in "A...