All these steps are logical. One last statement: it ain’t easy. Three steps forward; two steps back. My experience has been that the process is a continuing one, each time getting a bit deeper. For me, †he hardest thing is validation of that child. I can easily validate someone else – myself, not so much. But I have kept at it, and have seen progress.

these are all good and i agree with barbra i can help others but its so hard to help myself.right now i am going through the anger part wich i never delt with before.and it is so hard i feel like the whole worl includeing my parents have let me down and still do.

One other thing: it is worth the work. So many times you want to shut pain and hurt out, and maybe you can (for a while), but not indefinitely. It would be pointless to follow these steps if they didn’t bring peace, but they do, bit by bit.

I had thought I worked the stuff with my inner child out, only to find out later that it wasn’t a total deal. And then I back slide. I find it easier to help and validate others too, like the others, than myself. I even forgo counseling sometimes when I hear how bad the economy is, and how much things cost, etc. I even buy stuff for others first, then get what I need later. I read somewhere about buy things, and having things to feel secure, as a part of depression, which I had never thought of before. Like with some of the stuff here, I realize I need to go back, and not think I am helping people, by wounding myself. As for the stuff, I get stuff I think people will need, and they usually do, when it is on sale. And I get, what the blogs call for the gift closet, stuff to use for gifts later on, but sometimes I realize I get stuff for a lot of times, not just xmas or birthdays. And I don’t have a lot of money. I make ends meet, and compared to some people now, I feel lucky and blessed. This is long, didn’t plan for that. This just brings other things up too. Just have to work at it a day at a time.

Twenty years ago I went to CODA treatment (Co-dependency) through a 12 step program and also to a therapist trained in Transactional Analysis. Both helped me tremendously, however, I feel that there is no cure for this and that, at different periods in one’s lifetime, the emotional, physical or mental abandonment has to be re-visited. My therapist used “double-chairing” (of course, no one was in the chair except for the individual in my mind — and they were all very real to me). I felt silly talking to an empty chair in the beginning, but as the emotions came (the anger, the pain, the frustration, the questioning, the yelling, screaming and, at times, kicking over the chair), it became much easier to deal with all of the pent-up rage for the individuals who made me their victim! I went for months afterward feeling so light and carefree. But don’t fool yourself; we are just in remission and will know when it’s time to revisit the old hurt and pain. It has clouded my self-esteem which has ruined all of my male/female relationships. There are still days that I hate my deceased parents and my sibling for things they did, didn’t do for me, to me. And I will get to the point of forgiveness (for the umpteenth time again) and be mother to myself again, to my little girl who waits for me to love and nurture her. It’s difficult to do for yourself, but so worth the feelings and the beginnings of self-love. Healing the Inner Child helped me so much that I even talk to myself out loud at home (I live alone..lol) just to let my little kid know that I’m always here for her, put my arms around myself in a big hug and just pat my shoulders and rock for awhile. I know that sounds silly, but as long as it comforts me, it’s fine! Please read all that you can on your Inner Child and may you all be blessed with self-love and esteem. You ARE WORTHY!!

I never understood until I went through one of the most difficult situations of my adult life what my dad always said to me when he said ” Indulge your inner child” Wow I know now. But trying to find and deal with that inner child that has wreaked havic on me as an adult has been one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do. Just dont know how to deal with myself. Funny that my friends think I have all the answers. Im able to help them and they are true friends but I cant help myself. So Frustrating!!!!!!!!!

when i’m lonely, i think of cutting. but i never do it.

Yeah, all this inner child stuff sounds a bit silly….until you MEET her! She makes her needs known now, thank god. Before, in childhood “proper”, she denied, stuffed, idealized, wished for magic, and changed her moods depending on the behavior of the caretakers around her. So now’s her time. Listen. She will make herself known, whether you “believe” in her or not.

I just left the womens treatment center yesterday sucessfully.My whole life I didn’t know my place in my family, like other unfortunate victims I was sexually abused by family members. For years I carried around guilt,shame,depression,low-self esteem.Along the years I picked up trust issues,and control issues. These compuslive behaviors led to problems in relationships,and friends. then came along drug addiction.
today I’m able to internalize down to the core of my being, the baggage I carried around for years is not mine,but it does belong to the person(s) that abused me. so today my mind is not a jail anymore I’m free

i was sexually abused as a child for many many years….i am now almost 40 and i feel the same now as i did growing up…every time i feel i am doing ok, something else knocks me down…i feel alot of time this isn’t worth doing again…growing up i have tried suicide…it never worked…i still wish i were dead alot of the time…i want to know who i would have been …i want to be who i was meant to be…i get scared alot…i don;’t have flashbacks or stuff like that but i wish sometimes i would just so i know i have forfulled something… i am not sure if i am making any sense, but i just felt i needed to get some thing out…so i did…thanks for listening

As i sat here reading the comments of others I now know that I am not alone . I was sexually abused as a child by my brother and step brother and his friends . I feel shame ,guilt ,dirty iI feel as if I could have done something to stop them but as a four year old child what was i to do .Now i am 41yrs old still fighting to let my inner child my inner pain and my inner shame out , I have been adrug addict for well over 20years and I
want so much to stop I have four children and three granchildren that i love very much I want so much to be a good example for them can anyone tell me where i can get some help. Yours truly
Totally lost

like so many of you i carry around a past of sexual abuse and consequently years of relationships which led to co-dependency and abuse. After trying theray and being abused there too, i also feel quite desperate, once against separated, abandoned by a partner who promised to never leave me, but couldn’t take my depression. i try so hard but don’t seem to find the way out of the unbearable pain and destructive relationships. everyone says to love me and now that i am alone on my own and this is the hardest time in my life, i struggle with the question of how to go on living. the medications and the therapy and all of the love i try to surround myself are overshadowed by the deep and torturous pain and depression. we all need help, we all feel lost, and we all look for directions. if there are any out there, i am listening.

Hi, Ella.
One thing I would look at is your medications: are you under a doctor’s care? Finding the right medication can make a world of difference as you face your depression. Medication doesn’t solve your problems, but provides the breathing room you need to get a grip on the situation. I can hear how alone you feel, and my heart aches for you as you try to find your way. You don’t mention your spirituality, but I find just the simplest prayers of “help me, Lord,” or “I need your guidance,” really does make a difference, because you are important to our Creator, even if it doesn’t feel that way now.
There are no short-cuts, or easy answers to the pain you are bearing. But like you said, at some time we all feel lost, all are in pain, and look for direction. It sounds like the four walls are closing in. Perhaps some outdoor therapy is in order. For myself, seeing the stars helps me find perspective. I feel less alone when I am outside.
Keep writing here – other people care and will answer.

Wendy
thats what i really wonder too…. who was i meant to be!!! what would i have been if i had reacted diffrently to life-but then i realized this is my life i guess this is what it was meant to be -now i just have to accept it! but i guess im trying to mix the 2 what i think i was supposed to be and what i am now- im trying!!!

i am also a victim of abuse as a child from 7 to 16 by my father who i later found was a lie and really my stepfather. im now 45 and had drug and alchohol problems for years and finally went to therapy and am now 20 months clean. i still have nightmares and deep depression sometimes but do have a good husband of 26 years and has been a great help to me in healing. i may never get over what happened but am coping . one day you all will feel better about yourselfs and realize none of what happened was YOUR FAULT. there are sick people out there and we just need to stay away from them and stop the cycle by watching your children carefully and make sure that doent happen to them. good luck to you all and keep praying.

I believe that everyone has a spirit guide, there is good and there is bad, good people can make bad mistakes, and bad people can still do good, there is still time to make a difference, one person cannot do it, you are not alone, we all decide our paths before rebirth and its for your benifit to learn something and share it with the civilians of the universe that we all are, or that society benifits from your downfall. Its your choice. before you pass have you brought joy into your life, and have you brought joy to someone elses.
ancients,
je/di

I feel like I know you all. I was not sexually abused, but was emotionally abused by my mother, and accused of having sex with my father when I was 4……WHOA……what a dirty mind and soul!!!
I was kicked out of my house at 14~ went to live with my alcoholic family member, and was left to babysit with a case of beer and a carton of cigarettes….I was NEVER validated as a child, and married 4 alcoholic men who took my money and beat me either physically or emotionally…I now suffer from severe medical problems…I think most is genetic, but some is due to constant self loathing. I have come to my 50th year of life, and am going to fight for my life…I invite you all to join me…
Vickie

First, BREATHE. Please give yourself a break. But do DO something.
This is what I’ve seen help many people. Try attending 90 meetings for 90 days of your local Narcotics Anonymous 12-step meetings. The International web site for Narcotics Anonymous is NA.org. Click on Regional Links. Scroll way down to pick a country or state in which to search for meetings — Be aware at the next levels(Zone, Region or Area Level)the names used for your locality are often variants on local land marks, geographical features or are simply names chosen by the groups to reflect a recovery-oriented attitude.
If you are unable to locate an area near you – pick up the phone and call the number on the site. Someone will help.
Or check-in with local hospitals or treatment centers or social services units to find out where meetings are. But keep in mind that treatment professionals are sometimes overworked and may not have the most RECENT updates on these lists, so it may be best to just ask around until you get the answers you need.
Unfortunately, this can sometimes be quite a struggle when we have had a childhood trauma of this nature. We may even have asked for help at the time but may have been ignored or dis-believed or otherwise shamed, but DO PERSEVERE until you get the help you need.
Another avenue of free help may be attendance at SIA meetings, if they are available in your area. SIA stands for Survivors of Incest Anonymous. In this program the incest or injury does not have to be done, specifically, by a blood relative, family or household member. It could be a that a trusted neighbor, family friend, or other trusted adult was the abuser or one who breached to trust of a child who was counting on them. It may even have come at you indirectly via another child who had been abused and who lashed out (towards you) as a result of not having a RESPONSIBLE adult available to be aware and support him or her in coping with the trauma and its effects.
Do be aware, though, that it is often best to address the addiction, FIRST, as healing from childhood trauma can be a very painful process and the desire to hide from that by using self-destructive means can become over-whelming, so get the support that seems right for you at the time. Your PAST may not be able to kill you, but the actions you choose to deal with it might. OR the actions you choose to NOT deal with it (if you have a tendency to paralysis as I did – I had given up so much of my own power that I needed substantial help just to see that – be wary of INACTION or INDECISION – in the PRESENT DAY, CAN KILL YOU.
So break that cycle, and go easy on yourself about the past, but do DO SOMETHING in the present. An action-oriented approach is what saved me.

You can never move forward if you always look back.
The problems of the fathers or mothers need not be the problems of the sons or daughters.
What does not kill you will make you stronger!
These are my rules to live by.
I like me regardless if anyone else does or not.
I can look at my self in the mirror in the mornings and I treat life and the living with the same respect that I require.
Always Remember GOD IS LOVE!

I need not repeat, for the sake of some, that I, too have suffered as a child, that I wore it in my youth like a badge of courage, that I found myself painted into a corner with no way out. My self-loathing resulted in an attempt to “flush out all the angry voices” with a handful of pills–many years ago. I needed a friend, yet I was living an isolated life, separated from family. But God had other plans for me. He let me know that He was real, opened my spiritual eyes, so to speak, took great strides in strengthening my faith. Through supernatural experiences, I was led into a process that required forgiveness of all who had harmed me, in order for my own sins to be forgiven. AA was also a part of my life, but the single-most beneficial relationship I ever had was the one with Jesus Christ. I came to know that He loved me and had a plan for my life. God chose to bless this “late bloomer” with a Ministry! Today I have hope because I have learned to trust in Him, have faith in Him, and share my “experience, strength and hope” with others. Don’t let the devil fool you. God is still alive and He still restores lives, even a life like mine.

I, too, know what it’s like to be victimized, thought so little of that the perpetrator pretended it never happened and the other family member preferred being lied to than to face the truth.
But you know, I have learned something that I was taught in Bible School: If you can’t forgive those transgressions against you, God cannot forgive your own transgressions. Now, some might not believe that, but it really is true.
Carrying a victim’s banner so many years, I was only deluding myself, refusing to acknowledge God and the fact that I had a part in every scenario that I had previously called “being victimized”. From bad choices to following my own stubborn will, I needed to face my fears and release those who had harmed me. They say that non-forgiveness is like a layer of burned skin to the person, keeping them trapped and
unforgiven. You may have even known that to happen to you in your own life.
Knowing that someone hasn’t forgiven you is a dead-end street. You must make peace for your own sins, as well as those that have been enacted against you. Trust in God and Forgive, have faith and live.

I think I will have to print this out now…I am going through a lot of stuff in my past, especially with sexual abuse, and I know this will help me out tremendously.

Wonderful! Thank you for this.
I dare say that, as a father, husband and adult I’m a much better one than my father was.
You’re so right; We do “come out the other side” and oh, what a revelation when we’re free!

After committing myself to an increasingly abusive romantic relationship for the past five years, and realizing that I was trying so hard to work through these ‘inner child issues’ by returning again and again, full of magical thinking and hope to ‘make it right’, I’m finally learning to heal – alone. Well, I have my inner child and all those false selves (I recently discovered the MARTYR that kept me in what I thought was tortuous love for the past half decade!). I am not ALONE. But, I have broken it off with my boyfriend. I got sick and tired of being controlled, being told what do do, where to go, having his insane jealousy rule our conversations… his rage and anger (appearing out of nowhere – but now I see the connections – if I didn’t say or do anything he wanted – and actually questioned something – the rage just had to appear). I got sick and tired of trying so ‘nobley’ to prove myself and my goodness over and over again. If he didn’t get it by five years, he never will. I want to work on myself this year so I never make those kinds of mistakes again – and if there is future abuse, cut it off plain and simple. There’s no need to put up with any of that – not in my life anymore. Better ‘late than never’ at 43 years old! Welcome home, everyone!

After committing myself to an increasingly abusive romantic relationship for the past five years, and realizing that I was trying so hard to work through these ‘inner child issues’ by returning again and again, full of magical thinking and hope to ‘make it right’, I’m finally learning to heal – alone. Well, I have my inner child and all those false selves (I recently discovered the MARTYR that kept me in what I thought was tortuous love for the past half decade!). I am not ALONE. But, I have broken it off with my boyfriend. I got sick and tired of being controlled, being told what do do, where to go, having his insane jealousy rule our conversations… his rage and anger (appearing out of nowhere – but now I see the connections – if I didn’t say or do anything he wanted – and actually questioned something – the rage just had to appear). I got sick and tired of trying so ‘nobley’ to prove myself and my goodness over and over again. If he didn’t get it by five years, he never will. I want to work on myself this year so I never make those kinds of mistakes again – and if there is future abuse, cut it off plain and simple. There’s no need to put up with any of that – not in my life anymore. Better ‘late than never’ at 43 years old! Welcome home, everyone!

I am trying very hard to break the cycle of abuse that I see in myself. I was abused as a child and then in a very controlling relationship for 9 years. I did not realize that I was being controlled so much by my husband. I now question everything that I do and say. Although I am getting better at that. I still don’t have very much confidence in myself. I am trying to raise my children by myself, now. I am glad for the support of my church and my family and even his family stands behind me. I now know that it takes a lot more to leave than to stay. That is what I tell those around me. Especially mothers who are in the situatuion that I was in. My ex and I get along better now that we are divorced. Who knew? Anyway, I hope that something I said helps someone else. God Bless You!!
Rachel

Be careful, as you bring your actual self to realization, it will upset some of your closest relationships. There are those that love you now that have vested interests in your staying stuck emotionally because it benefits them in some way. They will ‘up the ante’ in ways you might not have imagined. As I became educated and vocal and took physical action in my life choices, there were attempts to ‘beat me down’ again. I never valued myself as a result of not being valued by my parents, as I began to value myself and express opinions and demand respect I received the opposite. Those people no longer deserve to be in my immediate circle of loved ones. Keep your misery confined to therapy, prattling does not constitute forward movement. Do not talk to your children about issues, it is too big a burden and bastardizes their childhood. I have seen friends ask their children for advice, expose them to adult problems, research the options, make informed decisions based on the best outcome and forge ahead. Tell them there will be changes that you consider to be the best ones and that their welfare is always taken into consideration even though it may not seem like it right now.

i try to keep my inner child at peace. she suffered some hurtful mental injuries, back i coaxed her back to her usual fun and perky self.all is well in my world.
p.s. she loves to watch cartoons and laugh til she cries.(smile)

Tess, At your age I had gotten out of one 5 year relationship that was disfunctional due to drug and alcohol use. There wasn’t jealousy..and I was devastated but it had gone as far as it could go..destroyed!
I was single for five years, healing my inner child, nurturing it and seeking something to replace my NEED to have a good relationship..hard to find. I did figure out that the only unconditional love we have comes from God..who is within ourselves as holy spirit. I am not preaching..truly! When I finally went back out into the world I saw warning flags immediately in many people I would meet..and I ended up not dating..not wanting to go back through the whole process of break down and build up again. I met someone online, who wanted to come down 3 months into knowing one another. I held off for a year, thinking it would help the process of growth toward togetherness. I thought I tested and talked enough with him (hours a day!) during that year that everything would fall into place..and it did at first. But what happened is that I had the same exact relationship that you were talking about in your post. It doesn’t start right away, or I didn’t notice it right away..but throughout the 5 years, it got to where we couldn’t even go grocery shopping anymore. We put ALL of ourself into a relationship to try to keep everything calm, the other person happy, to prove we are good and worthy and do what we are supposed to do…(there is a good part to that, it does help us better ourself with self disciplining habits which do stay with us past the relationship) but all these types of relationships are exactly the same, its been documented and wheeled..and you look at the wheel .. it’s your boyfriend..it worked just the way the wheel indicates. I found out on my second boyfriend that it was the same pattern..only worse. I also learned that I do have an inner child who has many hurts from the past. I was kidnapped for 3 months when I was young, survived another incident as an only survivor of someone who had killed everyone else who’s house he broke into..and deaths..of close people. That was way in my past, but I have a terrible time dealing with any kind of loss, including, possessions at this point. I did learn that I am totally a co-dependent..and I don’t think that is bad in the right kind of relationship it should actually be a bond. I’m still learning and growing, but I think it is a life long process. Hurt will always be there waiting for the next loss, even anticipating it…and an underlying sadness too. I find small joys in simple things, things from God, like the sunshine or breeze or innocense in babies and trust in animals, etc. God has been what non-believers call my imaginary friend. But He really does know when to do something little, to let me know He is right here with me..and He is way more comforting to my inner child, than even I can be. Because His word says to have the faith of a Child, and I do. He is the ONLY thing on this earth that is eternal, even past death..and the ONLY one who will never let us down! His love is eternal and that is where I have turned and found strength when I didn’t think I could make it through another day.
I hope others heal and don’t have to keep repeating the process. I wonder if others are co-dependent, or have reclused as I have (trying to make myself do normal things again, just still not having alot of joy from it yet). I wonder if we could be predictable on a type wheel also. Being reclusive keeps us from hearing about others who might be the same as us. I met one in real life this past month and she has so many of the same things I have that make me different from the normal world, therefore we recluse.

very good postings. i deal with my my inner child by self talk and understanding the id and the ego. the id is reacting to my surroundings. also i understand the id as wanting people, places and things instancely when it may require time. When my inner child is disturbed, i take inventory and look at what part i played if i played a part and then i talk to it in a soothing way to let her know it’s ok to have fears but walk through it anyway.
i practice my buddhism and accept the concept as human many obstacles will appear in my life to strengthen my faith. once i realize that my feelings are based on fear, shame, quilt, i looked to see what it affects which is mostly my self worth, security, personal relationship. Changing and accepting is truly a process but i do not beat myself up if i should backslide. I don’t stay in the drama for long periods of time. When I look inward for strength and courage, I am usually at peace with the world and myself. Being raised to trust blindly is no longer the case. Trust is earn and first I have to earn it with my inner child.
because of my inner shame i hold people hostage who are struggling worst than myself so i can appear that i am ok. the so called beautiful person i stay clear because i am fearful of being exposed when i accept my pain i realize they have their own yoke to carry.
god/buddha/ala are the only ones an individual can depend upon and he/she allows us to make mistakes and laugh at those mistakes. i chose to seek inner guidance before i take someone’s suggestion because when i am emotional sober the answer comes to me ever so softly. i am just so grateful that i am not alone feeling like a recluse.

I’d love to read all of this story but its black text on dark blue background makes it almost illegible. Is there a way I can convert the text to make it legible ?
Barbara

It doesn’t look like anyone has been here for awhile. It was just recently brought to my attention by my counsellor that I have an inner child that is acting out and making alot of decisions for me based on what she learned as a child.
I am reading all the tips and info online and I even got a doll to physically be my inner child and its amazing how I connected with her so quickly. In 1 night I was able to go through 4 yrs of my life and talk about all the stuff that happened to that little girl.
My issue right now is that I have 2 young children 7 & 8 yrs old; and they know I have a doll and are asking questions. I’m sure its strange to them for mom to have a doll and to treat it like a baby. They are very respectful about it though. I’m wondering if I should be introducing them to her and in an innocent way explain that all adults have an inner child and mine was hurt when she was little and she is still angry and sad and she is lonely and just wants to feel better and learn what it should have been like to be a little girl. It sounds alright when I say it to myself but will my kids understand or think i’ve gone completely cookoo??
Any thoughts on this?

In Ericksonian Hypnosis we can journey back to the originating trauma and give that child the strength, wisdom, love, guidance, support, etc. to get thru the trauma. We can also stand up to the abuser and forgive her/him, at the same time.