Mr. Dooce On Living With a Depressive

Fantasy is depressing but reality is hopeful (in the Patton Dodd sense) ...

Maybe it IS Valentine's Week after all :-)

PS -- What did Eric think of this, Therese?

Rock on, Mr. Dooce. Mr. Chinamom suffers from major depression, though he is highly functional. You and I have learned many of the same things, and I came to understand some new things just reading your essay.

Gosh I know something about it: my dad's depressed, and sometimes is rude with my mother, during his ill times. But she manages to support him and raise us, her children, with caring and strenght that I admire.

It is very uplifting to see this man being so devoted to his wife. They seem to have been able to create a very strong bond and it's something I look up to.
Nothing is perfect in life, we have to work for happiness hard, and it's very encouraging to see what our efforts are worth.

Last year, both before and after I was hospitalized for depression, I thought that if one more person told me that I needed to "pull myself up by my own bootstraps," I was going to reach over and pull his/her hair out (better access to their brain, maybe?). What IS IT with that quote? Who wrote it, and why do so many thoughtless people think it's the right thing to say?

Your post was amazing. I think you should write a book. Your story would be almost a companion piece to Kay Redfield Jamison's work.

Grace

I've been reading this blog for several months and have been too depressed to figure out how to set up an account so that I can post- until now. I have suffered with depression and anxiety for most of my life and most recently have been through (hopefully I am almost through) the worst episode of my life. I am starting to see that even though I though God was completely absent from my life that maybe he was with me through this blog which has given me strength where I thought I had none. Thanks to everyone, I learn through your struggles and experiences and realize I am not alone.

I forwarded this post to my husband, who has supported me in my illness over our two years of marriage as best he could.

Thanks again to all in this community.

I am married to a man who has suffered with this disease. He also is in my opinion "manic". Things are either euphoric or completely ruined in his eyes. He has been on maintenance drugs for the last six years and they make a huge difference. Part of me really resents the fact that I have to be careful of what and when I say something but after 40 years of marriage, I have learned that having this filter keeps things from becoming out of control. On top of the mental and emotional problems, he became disabled from a car accident 2 years ago and now has physical problems to deal with. We seem to have established a relationship that works for us. However, I am always interested in reading what others with this issue have to say. Thank you for letting me feel included in this topic. I enjoyed your article.

Very interesting reading from a husband's perspective of living with a depressive. As a depressive myself and continuously learning how to navigate through this life, it is refreshing to read and to experience that there are open, willing, and loving people on this planet. We all have to remain open and willing to re-evaluate things. I have found that staying in the present moment is vital. Talk therapy is also a great tool. There have been several times in my life when this was sought and kept me on course. The internet offers the ability now to read about therapists and their philosophies before making an appointment which has helped in finding a better match when talking about something as delicate as one's life.

Great article Mr. Dooce!

Well, I guess I'm not that crazy! I also use talk therapy, although when my husband comes in, he thinks I'm talking to myself and must also be drunk. As an Alcoholic, I did not realize that at the age of thirteen, once I called my Mom at work saying I wanted to kill myself; that I was depressed. (excuses: puberty, et al- Crap I had everything going for me, olympic swim qualifier, good grades, and not terribly bad looking, if you could get past the muscles) Now, at 44, I am still depressed, but had the strength (and insurance)to understand now that it is OK to get help. Although, I tried very hard to immerse
myself in relgion to make a long lasting cure, there was no hope. I am ashamed that I have a mental desease, (I still can't tell my parents), but having meds and a strong faith in God, keeps me just above water.

I couldn't pass this story up... It was a "must read" in my mind...
I am a mom... of three 21, 19, and an 8 yr old.
My husband says... we can have a better chance of getting back together once I fix my depression problem.
I was thinking.... it's been my whole life... how am I to make it just go away?
The fact is this: I have suffered from Bi-polar, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder since I was three years old. My dad died when I was 2, and when I was three I had to live with my aunt and uncle. I was molested for three years... starting at the age of 4 or 5, I think... and that messed up my ways of thinking for... well... many years.
I believe that once you are molested, you instantly become a secret keeper, and a nasty person... and without counseling? You keep these thoughts all through elementary school, all throughout middle school, and boyfriends, and high school, and boyfriends, and college and more boyfriends, etc. The mentality of someone that is a secret keeper makes you the bestest lier in the whole wide world and you are actually so good and lying and living a double life that you believe yourself... very easily.
You become addicted to sex and very untrue to yourself and anyone who really loves you. You settle to get married so you look normal to the world, but live a double life that no one understands. Well, guess what? That negative compulsive energy that makes you go a search'en for a quick love fix? That is what causes major stress and anxiety attacks... ummm.. for the rest of your years...

Basically? My x-husband knew that my problems went so deep that there was no way he could fix me... he tried for years...
Spirituality.... is the bestest for fixing... and a great therapist... and the right meds! All an excellent combination!

Well, best to all who read... and I hope I have given some insight to anyone who struggles with molest...

I really enjoyed reading this.

I have to say that i found this article very helpful as it reminded me of many things that i and forgotten and/or taken for granted. I was raised by a deppressive personality and have dealt with this my entire life In doing so i have gained a particular perspective and understanding
of this problem and all that it contains and entails. I remember knowing from a very young age that my mother wanted to die on some elvel and can vividly see in my minds eye particular events which reinforce this fact within my own psyche. i have used this fact as motivation within myself to embrace my own shortcomings and foibles and to overcome them. i wish i had realized this sooner as it was a part of the reason my first marriage
failed so miserably. Alas it seems that we do marry our mother ; i have since thru suffering, embracing my suffering, and finding it's sources come to realize this The particular dynamic that is a relationship (be it mother,son husband, wife, whichever is a singularly unique entity that requires love and understanding) is also something that must ebb and flow like the sea giving and taking crashing and surging. the author of this article is absolutely right when he speaks of strength and the fact that he must maintain balance and equilibrium within himself in to order to be strong for his partner. this sounds easy but is not. In the end love is the key, and power is knowledge and we all have the tools at our disposal, if we choose to use them. namaste

Hi, I am bipolar. I was diagnosed at 23 and am now 51. My husband left me 8 years into the marriage and left me with a 6 month and 4 year old to raise. I have never skipped a dose of medicine since diagnoses. I know what happens if you do. It is the scariest thing in the world for me. I have had "breakthroughs" however and wound up in the hospital about 3 or 4 times because of stress. I never remarried and am doing fine now. It took 20 years of serious depression before I found the right therapist and I was honest with myself and the therapist. I always said I felt just fine. I used to blame everything on my parents. This is not so. It is genetic, and nothing anyone could have done for me would have prevented it. I was very good at hiding my depression with a smile. I admire you for your steadfastness, because I know at times it was even hard for me living for my kids. I am fine now and haven't been hospitalized or depressed for 15 years now and I am living a happy and fulfilling life. May God bless you for all you do for your wife and may God bless your wife for living with this illness. Sincerely, Theresa

Very insightful. I have a similar but opposite problem. I'm the one with depression and my wife (also named Heather) is the one in your shoes. This adds to to my stress because I want to "fix" my problem and can't. I can fix everything else and sometimes unclogging a drain is theraputic. Burdening her adds to my stress. Some days I want her to leave me simply because I feel I've failed her somehow and don't want to cause her pain. It's tough to be a guy and feel shame for not "being a man." She hasn't left and I thank God every day for that - I love her. My mood swings cause her to walk on eggshells some days. I don't mean it and part of my brain knows it; unfortunately some part of brain can't seem to control it. I've tried some meds, but they had side effects (sexual) which further added to the stress and sense of failure. Still, I'm working on finding a solution. I adore my wife. I'm glad to learn your perspective and happy to see you haven't given up. It gives me hope. You're a good man and the kind I aspire to be once again.

Yeah, yeah, it all sounds great ... unless you're living in poverty with NO support. The only types I come in contact with on a daily basis, are men who are themselves mentally/personality disordered. They're abusive, and not the type to be supportive or caring. They abuse because that's their coping mechanism, or more correctly, how they show they're incapable of coping. So while gettings meds and seeing great doctors all within the environment of a supportive spouse or signficant other is wonderful, and gives one a sizeable chance of success, remember, there are far too many people out there who just don't have that circumstantial good fortune. They're resigned to poverty, no health insurance/no meds, little or no meaningful mental health care/professional help because it simply is not available. That's all for now!

Marie

i am the one who has manic depresive disorder and i cant take meds cause every thing i have tried to take makes me try to comit suicide a nd ny husband has servire ptsd and my son has adhd so someone out there please tell me how to cope with life i try really hard there are just those days you dont know what to do i love my husband and 3 kids i only want the best for them any ideas would help thanx

Re; Irene, While some of your comment is chock full of good advice, especially the volunteer work to focus on something other than one's own problems, I don't think you "Get It". Walk a mile in any of our shoes and try that approach again. I am to date unmedicated and undiagnosed (professionally) mostly because like reader Marie, I don't have the finances to get help. My family is already dealing with my older brother who is going through hell right now (divorce and AA) so I can't burden them further. I have tried the holistic approach but this disease is so powerful sometimes I find myself in that "downward and inward spiral". Would you tell a paraplegic to just get up and walk? There's only one capable of doing that and from where I'm sitting...you're not Him! I would suggest you invest a little more of yourself in EMPATHY and jump off the judgemental high horse if you expect to be a blessing to some of the not so emotionally intact!

I would be very interested in knowing how to let a loved one go.My husband of 20 years pasted away almost 2 years ago, and I just can't seem to get past it. Every says I need to move on,there was a long fight of drugs and alcohol that eventually took his life. How do I forget all the things my children and I went through and we just couldn't help him ?

I have a tendency to internalize stress and it drags me down especially if I don't have an outlet, someone to listen and react to my emotions. I'm a verbal person and get through my issues by talking them out and it helps when you have someone to support and listen to you.
To a certain extent I believe meds can help with balancing the chemicals in your brain, like seritonin, but to some extent you have to seperate everyone elses problems and lives from yours so you can strengthen yourself. A lot of times I let other peoples problems consume me and drag me down. My mother has been ill all her life, dealing with paranoid schizophrenia and bi polar disorder,and I let her antics and mood bring me down. The important thing is to build yourself up and find your strengths so you can give to someone else and to have someone on your side especially a spouse or partner that will make you feel secure about yourself and your decisions...= )

Re: Christine

Christine, I first started my post above intending to attempt to give you some encouragement, then I got side-tracked. You mentioned that you have children, and in my opinion, that should be your strongest motivation to move on. I know that it can be difficult beyond belief to let go of hurt and pain that someone has caused you. I went through a similar situation 15 years ago with my first husband. I have 3 sons by him who are very simply put, my joy, my life, and my breath. I began to see that his destructive habits were affecting them to the point where they were beginning to act just like him! By hanging on to the pain, you are letting him continue to hurt and influence you and your children from beyond the grave. Try to accept that you did all you could do to help him, but he apparently did not accept that help. That is NOT your fault. One excercise that helped me many years ago was to write a letter. You can address it to him, to God or your higher power, or just to the universe. Write out all of your hurts, your resentments, all of the unfairness and pain you and your children went through. When you feel that you have gotten it all down on paper, take it outside to a charcoal grill, or some safe place and burn it.(taking it outside symbolizes getting it out of your home) As the smoke and ashes dissipate, try to let it symbolize all of your pain and hurt flowing out to be absorbed by the universe. Promise yourself to be good to "you". To be supportive and loving to your children. You have from this day forward to make changes and better your life and that of your children. The past is done and gone. Don't let it continue to drag you down. If you do, he(your husband) wins. I know you don't want that to happen. Please don't let it happen to your children.
May you be blessed and happy. You deserve it.

I feel for all the people who have mental disorders because my son was in an accident 8 years ago and had fractured his pelvis. He was only 20 at the time. He was in a lot of pain, got on methadone for the pain, had been on over 14 meds at one time, and was diagnosed with cancer, Epstein Barr disease, a degenerative spine, leukemia, a failing kidney, and had pnuemonia/chronic bronchitis that would go back and forth. He has had 18 epiderhal blocks. He was diagnosed with bi-polar and schizophrenia. He was on many meds at one time, but has since gotten off most of them by learning what works for him and what doesn't. He had a nurses book that tells all the symtoms of a disease, what the remedy is, what the side effects are of the medication, etc. He is smarter than the pharmacists and they are always amazed at his intelligence when it comes to medications. But he had to study them because what he was on would have killed him. The MRI's and CAT scans can cause Epstein Barr as well as Leukemia. I believe that giving him NingXia Red (wolfberry juice) and rubbing oils on him helped him stay alive at one point when the doctor's thought he was going to die within weeks.

I believe with all my heart that the mental disorders are related to food. I believe that there are chemicals in the processed foods that are altering our brains. I believe that the FDA puts them in our food to make us sick so that the pharmaceutical industry can make money off our illnesses. Sugar, salt, partially hydrogenated oils are the worst things we can eat. The hormones pumped into beef and chickens has to have an effect on us. In fact, studies show that children 11 and 12 yrs. old are getting osteoperosis at a rampant pace from the hormones in these foods. They reach puberty at age 6 from the hormones too! The government knows this and doesn't stop the processes that are causing our children to get sick. They put things in our food to make us sick, make us eat more (addicted to it so the food companies make more money) and to make us FAT. We drink POP, eat all kinds of foods with SUGAR, SALT, MSG, (read your labels!) and then we wonder why we are sick!
I was just watching PBS the other night (channel 30) and a dr. was on talking about his new CDs available- Change Your Brain, Change Your Life! It was fantastic. If I had money to buy the CDs, I would have! One of the things he talked about was how exercising makes your brain work. Table tennis was the top exercise to stimulate the brain! (Studies done on it.) He said that we can use more of our brain and keep it active by starting new projects all the time. Stop Alzheimers Disease by doing this too. Starting something you never did before makes you keep thinking. He also said that OMEGA-3 Fatty acids are a good way to prevent Alzheimers which confirmed the study done about a year ago. It was stated that O-3FA given to Alzheimer patients decreased the disease in them by 60%! It's true. And when a woman has a child, she loses her O-3FA for up to 4 years, causing postpartum blues and depression. MOOD SWINGS! Take supplements and eat FISH! It's great for the heart too! It's true for depression also! So I suggest if you are feeling depressed to eat the foods containing this and/or take a supplement.
You have seen how many kids have committed suicide by taking anti-depressents. The meds aren't working, but the government doesn't take them off the market. They are shooting and stabbing other people before taking their own lives too, but the govt. doesn't do anything to stop it! Can't you see that over the past 20 years or so, pharmacy's are sprouting up on every street corner! There are usually two at that, across the street from each other! WHY? It's a zillion dollar business! Can you look at the statistics and realize that there are more and more people getting killed by crazed people on MEDICATIONS, not drugs! When will we realize that our eating habits and medical habits are KILLING us?
And did you know that there are NATURAL things we can take that work WITH NO SIDE EFFECTS! Eat organic and see if your life doesn't change. Don't eat the processed foods with hormones and chemicals in them! Don't eat cereal with SUGAR in it! Or any other food for that matter! Did you know that the FDA came up with a sugar alternative that is a toxin? Called aspertame! And our children eat gum with it in it! IT'S POISON to our bodies. People, I am not trying to be mean or offend any of you. I am saying GET EDUCATED! BE SMART. Do your bodies a favor and feed them nutritious foods. Why are children getting adult diseases? Why do they get cancer so young? They didn't use to. Because the govt. allows the food companies to make crap food for our bodies and we think we can trust them and the FDA! So we eat the food and our bodies break down. Mental parts and ALL! Less fruits and veggies in our diets, but unless it's organic and NOT sprayed with pesticides, you are eating chemicals every time you eat fruit. So you counteract the good with the bad in it. I'll give you an example if you don't believe me. Now the labels say NO TRANS FATS on some, right? Well, that is sometimes a lie. If the weight is less than 16 ozs. (a pound), they can state that there is NO trans fats on the label. Guess what? They package everything at 6 -8 oz. so they can say that! But there are traces of trans fats, and you are eating them! Trans fats are what damage your arteries, where cholesteral can then stick to them, causing heart attacks. If your lining is good, the cholesteral just passes through, but if damaged, it sticks to the walls of your arteries. SO WHY DOESN'T THE GOVT. MAKE FOOD COMPANIES STOP MAKING FOOD THAT HARMS US? Because then the pharmaceutical companies can't make money off of (healthy) people.
Why can't they make all foods EXPELLED like they do with organic, which is cold processed not heated (partially hydrogenated oils)? Don't you think that if they really cared about us as people, they would want us as healthy as we could be so we could be more productive in life? Health care could be very different and affordable if we were healthy most of the time.
Also, they try to invent diseases by finding so many people with similar symptoms (probably caused by the foods we are eating and they did that on purpose) and they can name the disease, then put out a medication for it. Soon everyone is taking the medication before it is even proven to be effective or bad for you. There are many medications on the market that they will be recalling because they cause other worse side effects as well as DEATH!
And for those who have young girls- DO NOT LET THEM GET THE CERVICAL CANCER VACCINE! IT can CAUSE cancer and also stop females from reproducing! Invented by one of the MERCK ladies because they were going bankrupt and needed a new drug that would be a great money maker, she came up with this new miracle vaccine for young girls. Supposed to prevent cancer! WELL, studies have shown that it actually can CAUSE cancer! HOW DARE THE GOVT. MANDATE IN TEXAS and other states that a child cannot go to school UNLESS she get the vaccine! I am cartain that there will be very angry parents who sue the MERCK industry when they discover their child has cancer and cannot reproduce thanks to the GREED of MERCK industries that didn't test the vaccine before putting it on the market. People, if I were you, I would get educated about every drug out there! I would find the NATURAL remedies (organic fruits and veggies and other foods), essential oils, green tea, etc. and take them and tell the doctors to get hip on nutrition! I was told that they only get 1 hour on nutrition, unless they are specialists in nutrition, so how do they know what is good for YOUR body! They are there to help in emergency situations, for surgery that may not even be necessary had they known what FOODS could heal your body and told you what to eat!
America is the #1 Junk Food Country in the world. NO wonder we are SICK and our brains don't function! Try putting sugar in your fuel tank and see how far your car drives. You can't expect your body to stay fine tuned when you don't feed it what it needs on a daily basis. RIGHT? But in order to stop this crazy world, we need to do something to make it right! Boycott the govt. or FDA until they start making better food for us. Make them take junk that kills our children and us off the market. We pleasure in all the BAD things in our lives, and then complain because our health is bad...whether it be smoking, drinking alcohol, eating junk food, etc. YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT! The Dr. on PBS showed what a brain looked like normal, with Alzheimer's, if you drank alcohol, smoked, or did drugs, (heroin was the worst). All but the normal one were full of holes They looked like someone shot a hundred bullets through them! NO wonder we can't think sanely. No wonder we have mood swings! Half our brains are missing! If you want any nutrition information or articles that substanciate what I am saying, feel free to email me if that is possible through this site. I really do want to help people get better and my dream is to have a hospice someday where people learn about nutrition, are fed properly for their stay, and WALK OUT ALIVE!
Try doing what I have suggested and see if your life turns around. Eat more herbs, fruits and veggies, hormone free meat, etc. See if your mood swings become less frequent and you feel happier. Medications have SO MANY side effects that you end up taking another for those side effects of the first and another for those side effects from the second, until the docs have you on 10 medications...what for? Just feed your brain (DRINK WATER!)and your body healthy and you won't need any of them! I don't know the dr.'s name that wrote the information on the brain because they only said his name and never put it on the screen and I couldn't tell if they were saying Aman or Haman (long a)and the CDs and books were too small for me to read...but if you are interested in them, I am sure you can call PBS and get his name and info. They aren't sold any other way. I am sure the CDs are phenomenal. I took some notes that I can share with you if you are intereste. I am concerned about the crime being committed by all the kids on medications and nothing being done about it...as well as older people too. It now seems that our society accepts that people take medications, which ARE drugs, but legal. (I am not saying that some shouldn't be available to people in accidents or who had surgery and are in great pain, but I really feel the food industry plays a major part in our needing meds that aren't necessary when we eat right. Find the cause, don't hide the symptom and cause other symptoms, and you can find the cure. Disease is curable! God made our bodies able to heal ourselves (when we feed them properly). Don't let the dr.s and govt. or pharmacists take us over and ruin us...we are like puppets on a string! And we are so vulnerable. Again get educated and you will understand everything that I am saying.
Sorry so long, but what I had to say is true and I am trying to help you all. I hope that you will soon all be well and healthy in mind, body and soul.

Dear Mr. Dooce,
I will let you know that none of what you said has to do with your gender because I am a female with a Husband that is bi-polar, and I relate real well with everything you said. You are a good, kind, patient individual who is in love with a person that has an illness which requires all of the quallities you present. I am having a very hard time myself as my husband has moved out of the house in Oct. 2007 and I have no daily contact with him other than the phone. I miss him eimensly and so do our 18yr. old identical Twin girls that he adopted back when they were 5yrs. old. He will not sign for me to have access to his Medical, as in confidentuallity laws, so I am out of the loop there, although he tells me what he can remember. He is good at telling people what they want to here, so I hope they are smart enough to see that. We have tried several different things such as Sun. dinners, which have happened a few times with good results, E-mail, which I do and he doesn't, and sex which is initiated by him when he gets the urge. I flip flop on a daily basis with what I should do, say, or react to, and the medication just keeps making things worse. I have been studying everything I can find but I am still at a loss of how to help him. Like you I want to fix this. I have fibromyalgia and now I'm going through metapause, which is a double wammy for me. The stress of all this is puting me in a lot of pain, and the sadness in my heart leaves me crying uncontrolably at times, which I make sure my girls never see. I hope I can get to where you are at someday soon before I loose everything I have, including my ill husband. If you have any other information, or sights about the med's, I would be interested. I am real worried about the effects they are having.
Thanks for listening! Angela

Thank you for your article, I'm saving it for my husband, he needs to
know he's not alone. I've been a mess for two days fighting with him
for two weeks. Last night for the first time in two weeks he was there
for me just listened and tried to encourage me. I woke up feeling human
again when for two days I JUST WANTED OUT. I have to call him just to
thank him. Anyway back to some of the blogs I'm a nurse and strongly
believe in vaccines let's not blame the food and the government for
genetics and sometimes pure fate. Go with god your path is chosen, NO
GOD DOES'NT CHOSE for us to suffer we have free will. You just can't
live your life in fear. I'TS to short.

Charlotte,
PARANOIA -
Paranoia is a term used by mental health specialists to describe suspiciousness (or mistrust) that is either highly exaggerated or not warranted at all.
Paranoia is a mental state where you are suspicious without reason. You may feel that people are trying to harm you in some way or that something dreadful is about to happen. Everyone can be suspicious at times, or feel fearful about the future, but if you are experiencing paranoia you may lose insight into the fact that perhaps your fears are groundless, and in extreme forms you may be unable to distinguish between reality and fantasy. Paranoia is a psychiatric condition which often occurs as a feature of a more serious mental illness such as schizophrenia or manic depression, or as a result of using street drugs.Paranoia is a disturbed thought process characterized by excessive anxiety or fear, often to the point of irrationality and delusion. Paranoid thinking typically includes persecutory beliefs concerning a perceived threat.

Dear Mr. Doonce,

Thank you for your bravery and courage in writing your experience, strength and hope on being a spouse of a depressive person. I was dumped by my husband of 9 years (together 12) because he didn't want to be married to someone with mental and emotional disorders quote unquote. He told me this on new years day of 07.

We have a four year old beautiful and smart little girl named Logan. I believe, after having Logan, when I went into a post partum depression and became a stay at home mom, everything changed including my disorders. They got worse.

In the end, I was good enough to be his wife for 7 years and to help raise his sons from his first marriage and good enough to give birth to a daughter for him and his family, but then I became expendible. I was there for him when his first wife moved his boys to Minnesota, about 1800 miles away from us. But in the end, it did not matter , nothing I did was good enough for him anymore, he simply was over it and didn't want me as his wife anymore. In the last 3 years of our relationship he said he had planned our divorce.

It hurts about as bad as it could hurt. You are an angel in disguise. Your wife probably feels the same way about you. Not many men care enough to even try and understand their wife's disease. At least, my husband didn't.

I just want to thank you for giving me a little bit of hope. That there are men out there who care about a marriage through sickness and health. Mine did not. He is very mean. He hurt me daily with many forms of mental, emotional, verbal and spiritualess abuse.

He did it all except physical, he knew he could not get away with that. But he got away with all the rest until he started yelling at me in front of our 2 year daughter, I could not take that. I finally left, because he wouldn't. Less than six months later he had a new girlfriend wome in to our home, young, beautiful blonde, who worked, and her daughter moved in too, 12 years old, one happy family. I rented a room from my brother. He is still with her. We have been separated for a year now.

Sometimes, I hate my diseases so much. I wish sometimes I didn't have them and maybe Id still be with him. Then I realize, because of my diseases I am free of him. I believe in my heart, I don't deserve to be treated the way he did. He is just in a different reality and he is so damaged from us and from his childhood, and from his own alcholism he stopped going to aa for 8 years now and I am still in AA. I am 15 years sober as well. I believe I based our marriage on aa because we met in the rooms of aa, we were in the program and fellowship together for many years and when he stopped going and stopped working with others and on himself, he stopped talking to his sponsor, a big part of our marriage for me died. The recovery part.

He still is out of aa, he says he got all the things we wanted from aa and doesnt need it anymore. The real deal is God gave him what he worked for in aa and now it is up to my ex to decide the rest of his own life for he runs on self will run riot again. I never saw him drink but to me i see a dry drunk.

I am concerned for our daughter. I dont know what to do, we have shared custody. I put things in God's hands, take my meds, go to all the doctor appts, go to aa, callmy sponsor, go to my lawyers , therapy, med checks, pain management, and do reading, and I finally started writing again after many years. I write poetry. I am a great mom. But him and his family have done some cruel things to me and tried to prove i am not a good mom. But I know I am and I love my daughter and care for her and do a good job. I spend time with her and listen to her and help her and just try to be a good mom and realize God sent her to us and I am only temporarily hosting a little soul. She will one day grow up and become an adult and my hope is regardless of her dad, I will instill good morals and respect and unconditional love, those sort of lessons to her and help her learn that God is always there for her.

Thank you sir, for listening to me and more importantly to your wife. You must continue to be a good example to all of us and to spouse's of depressants. For reading your story, gives me hope. Hope is the best friend to those who have depression.

-Michelle B.
Va Beach, VA

i really try to support my spouse .he just can't believe that i am in it for the long hall.we have been together twenty four years november.he has depression also he has other caracter and social disorders i just dont know the names of them because he refuses to get help .i have tried to help him daily still do i realize i cant give him the help he needs which is professional.i just thought he was unhappy with our lives but that is definitly not the problem i finally know i cant fix this.he has to get help to fix himself before i get destoyed by it.my point is if your spouses actions do not make sense,if he says hurtful things for no reason at all, if one day your his whole world and the next your his greatest enemy.there is a problem within himself.you have to come to terms with the fact that its not you or events happening around us,it is his mind working the way that it does and you cant fix it .

Mr. Dooce,

Thank you for this. It is nice to know there are caring, kind men out there who honestly would love a bipolar woman so much that they would do what you are doing for your wife.

It humbled me.

hI
mY NAME IS BARBARA KENLEY I HAVE BEEN IN SOME KIND OF DEPRESSION FOR SEVERAL YEARS. I THINK IT STARTED WHEN I WAS AT WORK AND I WENT OVER THE DEEP END WITH TWO OF MY EMPLOYEES. I THINK I PROBABLY DIED THEN WHERE I PROBABLY WAS THE START OF THE DEPRESSION. I HAD JUST CAME BACK FROM SEEING MY HUSBAND AND I KNOW I REMEMBER I WANTED TO GO BACK TO SEE HIM. I WANTED TO BE WITH HIM BECUASE SOMETHING WAS WRONG. WELL WHEN HE DID COME HOME FROM HIS DEPLOYMENT ARE RELATIONSHIP WAS NEVER THE SAME. HE STARTED NOT WANTED ME, STARTED GETTING MAD WHEN IW ANTED SEX. WELL I THINK THAT WAS PART OF THEDEPRESSION. BECAUE I GOT REALLY SICK. I STARTED IN MY STOMACH AND THEN MY LEGS WHERE MY LEGS WERE GOING OUT SEVERAL DAYS A MONTH. TOWARDS THE END I WANTED TO DO NOTHING BECAUSE I WAS IN PAIN I WAS IN SO MUCH PAIN THAT I WAS IN PAIN 30 DAYS OUT OF THE MONTH. WELL I GOT MY IUD TAKEN OUT AND A WEEK LATER MY HUSBAND ASKED FOR A DIVORCE. SO I REALLY DON'T NO HOW MUCH OF IT WAS HIM OR MY IUD BECAUSE I WOKE UP OUT OF A NIGHTMARE WHEN HE ASKED FOR A DIVORCE. I HAVE LOST 50 LBS SINCE THIS HAPPEN AND I WANT TO LOSE ANOTHER 50. I HAD GOTTEN UP TO 200LBS BUT I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER. LETTIGN GO OF SOMEONE MIGHT BE THE BEST THING IF THAT PERSON WOULD COME BACK IN THERE LIFE IF THEY STILL WANT TO AND START OVER. THANKS LOVE YOU BRO

Thank you so much for the article. I have just fallen in love with a man who is willing to put up with my depression and bipolar symptoms. He is a wonderful person. I had only met him about 3 weeks and I had to go in the hospital for ECT treatments and he was there with me every single day. And he works 11:30 at night until 5:30 a.m. every day. He is a wonderful man and we are building a house together and hopefully plan to marry one it is built. Thanks again for all the input. Tracy Queen

thank you for this. i have been battling depression for over three years now and have currently had a relapse in the last month or so. i have been dating a wonderful woman for about 5 months and have been petrified of how she would react to this. it is very difficult to talk to her; or anyone for that matter; about this issue. she is very supportive and listens to me when i need to talk. i really hope that she is in this for the long haul b/c i want to be with her and i think she is a great woman for me if she can handle this. thanks for this post; it is refreshing to hear of someone who has similar experiences.

bless you and continued good luck for us all.

MY HUSBAND IS BI POLAR BUT WONT TAKE HIS MEDS. HE SITS AND THINKS. RETIREMENT IS NO FUN, AND HE IS VERBALLY ABUSIVE TO ME. VERY BELIGERENT.
WE CAME HOME FROM THE DOCTOR. I WAS HOPING THE DOCTOR WOULD TELL HIM HE NEEDS HIS MEDS. BUT HE DIDNT.

A HOUSEWIFE THAT WOULD LIKE SOME PEACE.

i'ved read your article it deeply toutch one saul i'm a 39 year old female my husband is 49 we haved beeing married for a year but at the moment theres problem in the marriage where i cant leave with him he can be so nice to the church sisters and brothers and as for me he will say terrible thing and 10 minutes later he'll want to be lovy dobey i ask him over and over for us to go see a therapist he refuse by telling me theres nothing wrong with him tell me what should i do? Phida

To Phida (to made the comment before me), please don't hesitate to contact me at tinamkeith@msn.com. My husband is much the same way as yours, and it can be difficult at best. One thing I've learned is this: YOU CANNOT CHANGE OTHERS, BUT YOU CAN CHANGE HOW YOU REACT TO THEM AND THEIR ACTIONS. Sometimes, when my husband gets this way, I ignore him, or tell him that I will talk to him when he can speak to me in a more kind manner. Usually, when people act like this, they are often taking their frustrations or whatever is plaguing them at the moment out on the person or people who they love the most. Why? Because they know that we love them and will not walk away as quickly as someone they only know in "passing". But, what they do to us is not right, and we need to make sure that we express this to them. It is only fair and just to get the same love and caring as are giving. Take care and God bless you Phida.

I have found that living with a depressed person also puts you in a depressed stage not knowing what to do or how to cope. I pray everyday that things will change,but is it fair for someone to give up theie entire life trying to deal with a person that is so hard to deal with someone that is taking away your own livelyhood.

hey you all! i am the mom of a grown child who mhas suffered from depression most of her life. she can be so cruel but i kno its just her pain and fear.i cried reading your posts just to know there are understanding folk out there. my husband died a while back and i feel lost sometimes.ive never posted before an im not too good on computers but it sure is nice to be reminded that compassion isnt just a distant memory. i will take advice and learn from you who share an have been there.thanks! kate

I have had depression and anxiety for most of my life but didn't realize it until about 5 years ago. I finally admitted to myself that I needed help from someone else besides friends and family. I started seeing a therapist and went on meds which has helped to a point. I feel I will never have the life I want which is to be happy and carefree. I worry everyday and have no motivation for anything. In reading these blogs I have realized how difficult it must be on my boyfriend to deal with me and my mood swings. He always tells me I need to see the positive side of life and that I'm too negative. My brother told me the other day that I think too much and need to relax. It is so easy to say and people think you can just snap out of it. How do I live the life that I so desperately want? Will I ever feel "normal"?! Thank you for letting me be able to express myself.