December 2008 Archives

Pope Benedict XVI writes a beautiful reflection about the concept of "time" and about how the end of the year offers us hope, peace, and an opportunity for change and conversion:

The year is ending. This means, as always, that we spend a few minutes in reflection. We draw up balance-sheets and make an effort to anticipate what the future may bring. For a moment we become conscious of the strange thing called "time," which otherwise we simply use without thinking about it. We feel both the melancholy and the consolation of our own transiency. Much that caused us distress, much that weighed us down and seemed to make progress impossible, has now passed and become quite unimportant. As we look back, difficult days are transfigured in memory, and the now almost forgotten distress leaves us more peaceful and confident, more composed in the face of present threats, for these too will pass. The consolation of transiency: Nothing lasts, no matter how important it claims to be. 

But this consoling thought, which gives patience its character of promise, also has its discouraging and saddening aspect. Nothing lasts, and therefore along with the old year not only difficulties but much that is beautiful has passed away, and the more we move beyond the midpoint of our lives, the more poignantly we feel this change of what was once future and then present into something past. We cannot say to any moment: "Stay a while! You are so lovely!" Anything that is within time comes and then passes away.

Our feelings toward the new year show the same ambivalence as our feelings toward the old year. A new beginning is something precious; it brings hope and possibilities as yet undisclosed. "Every beginning has a magic about it that protects us and helps us live" (Herman Hesse) ... What can we say at this moment of transition? First of all, we can do the very human thing the moment urges upon us: we can use the time of reflection in order to stand aside and widen our vision, thus gaining inner freedom and a patient readiness to move on again.

To read more Beyond Blue, go to http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.

To subscribe to "Beyond Blue" click here.

My buddy John Grohol over at PsychCentral.com published my 5 tips to make your resolutions stick. You can visit them there, or review them here.

I know what you're thinking: another cheesy, goody-two-shoes article on how I can keep all those goals I've set going into 2009. If you abhor such articles (like 10 ways to declutter your bathroom), then keep on reading. I'm like you. Normal.

1. Bribe yourself.

A so-called parenting expert that I read last week claimed that bribing your kid to get him to do something was an example of irresponsible and ineffective parenting. I suspect that the same man sits in his quiet and tidy little office cranking out advice like that while either his wife or nanny is home doing the dirty work. Let's face it. Bribing is one of the most effective tools to get anyone--your kid, your stubborn mother, your golden retriever, or yourself-to do something.

My running coach used this brilliant method to train me to run 18 miles. Before our run, he hid Jolly Ranchers along our route, every two miles, so he'd say to me when I wanted to stop, "In another half-mile, you get a treat! Come on, you can do it!" And like a rat spotting a half-eaten hotdog, I'd run to the candy. You want to make sure you stick to your resolution? Bribe yourself along the road there: at the one-fourth mark, one-half mark, and three-quarters mark.

2. Team up.

Think of the buddy system from Boy Scouts. Teaming up with someone means that you have to be accountable. You have to report to someone. Which brings down your percentage of cheating by 60 percent, or something like that. Especially if you're a people-pleaser like me. You want to be good, and get an A, so make sure someone is passing out such reviews.

Also, there is power in numbers, which is why the pairing system is used in many different capacities today: in the workplace, to insure quality control and promote better morale; in twelve-step groups to foster support and mentorship; in exercise programs to get your butt outside on a dark, wintry morning when you'd rather enjoy coffee and sweet rolls with your walking partner.

3. Throw in a gimme.

This is to ensure on December 31 of next year, you will have succeeded at one goal. So make it an easy one: "Throw out my Christmas sweater with a sequined reindeer," "Pitch my golf-ball socks with two huge holes in the toes," "Give away my Yanni CDs," "Frame the family photo I had taken two summers ago." You see where I'm going with this one? Heck, if you list a bunch of gimmes, then you'll feel even better about yourself come next December.

I have been sort of dreading this day ... when Beyond Blue reader Doxieman got a life and wouldn't need Beyond Blue or Group Beyond Blue so much. Darn it. This means my page views will surely be down in 2009. At any rate, I wanted to congratulate him on his very wonderful life right now and tell him publicly how how much I appreciate his service and dedication to Beyond Blue and to Beliefnet in general. You rock, Larry, and I'm so happy to see you so happy! Here is Doxieman's newest blog post which explains his new year's resolution: less Beyond Blue!

I referred to the Third Habit of Stephen Covey's "Seven Habits of Highly Effective People" in my last post -- "first things first." Covey clarifies this by saying that you must avoid the danger of putting the urgent (the short-term) before the important (the long-term).

And I've realized, sadly, since I've been in Miami, I may be doing just that.

Beliefnet and Beyond Blue have been an incredible support arm for me for two years. Therese Borchard in particular is an amazing, amazing woman. And recently, longtime Bnet member Lapatosu reminded me she had first "met" me online during the floods in New Brunswick, New Jersey in early 2007.

We joke on the Beyond Blue social networking group about what's going on in the group versus what's going on "IRL" (in real life).

When online support groups help you deal with real life, they are engaging -- indeed, a life-saver -- lifting us at least temporarily out of crippling depression.

1. The look on David's face when he realized he had swallowed his first tooth. (We were eating corn on the cob.)

2. Katherine's expression as we watched "The Little Mermaid" on Broadway in NYC, and listening to her tell her friends she met the "real Ariel."

3. Talking about the resurrection on "Fox and Friends" the Saturday before Easter, and spending the weekend in New York with Eric (and no kids!).

4. Watching Group Beyond Blue grow to over 1200 members! Witnessing the sincere support and compassion on our discussion threads. And learning how to moderate such an important support group.

5. Writing my memoir.

6. Finding a group of mom friends at David's school that I actually relate to and like. They all have great senses of humor!

7. Being elected into my high school Hall of Fame, and reading the heart-felt letters of recommendations from family members, friends, and colleagues.

8. Hiding my computer in my bedroom closet for 19 days--and not going online during that time--and thereby learning some very important about forming boundaries and achieving serenity (which lasted for, let's say, a week).

9. Recognizing two relationships that were not benefitting or empowering me and having the courage to disengage. Forming stronger boundaries between work and home life.

10. Discovering the names of some mental health experts on the comboxes of Beyond Blue! Like Dr. Tamar Chansky, Dr. Steven Curtis, and Dr. Ron Pies.

11. Watching the relationships between Larry and Ana evolve. Even though it was Laurie Sue Brockway who officially brought them together on her "Soulmate Project," I would like to take a little credit too because both of them are Group Beyond Blue members. Yah! I'm one-fourth cupid!

12. Getting to know Holly better and the Beliefnet team as I sit at my computer and crank out my crazy thoughts.

To read more Beyond Blue, go to www.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.

John's 8 tips are good and practical, and might help you make it until, say, the first of February, at least! Good luck. Here are the first four, and then you can go over to his site to read the rest.

It's not always easy to keep New Year's resolutions. Sometimes there just doesn't seem to be enough time, energy or willpower to accomplish everything. Don't despair! If you spend some time reevaluating the way you make resolutions, this year can be different. Here are some tips that will help you make resolutions that last.

1. Set realistic resolutions and expectations.

Choose one goal, then break it down into smaller, more manageable bits. For example, if you want to save $1,000, think about it in terms of saving $20 per paycheck. That makes your goal less intimidating. Every time you save some money, praise yourself. Rewarding yourself for every positive step will help you have the confidence you need to hang in there.

2. Think of resolutions as opportunities to try new things.

Resolutions are a time of the year not only to try and "fix" the problems in your life, but also to try out a new way of being, a new activity or hobby, or a new attitude. Resolutions should not seem like punishments; if you try to make them fun, you will be more likely to stick with them. If your goal is to be healthier, try going for a 10-minute walk before work and enjoying your neighborhood. Think of January first as a chance to adopt a healthier lifestyle, not as the start of a period of denial

3. Make a plan early on and stick to it.

Studies show that people who make impulsive resolutions are less likely to stick to them. Think about what is most important to you and create strategies to deal with the problems and setbacks that will come up as you move towards your goal. Tracking your progress will help as well; the more you monitor and praise yourself, the more likely you are to succeed.

4. Look at the bright side

Focusing on the positive side of things will give you more energy and enthusiasm to pursue your goals. People who believe that they can succeed are more likely to do so. For example, praise yourself for losing five pounds, but don't punish yourself for gaining one back. You will reach your goal more easily if you accentuate the positive.

To get to tip 5 click here.

To read more Beyond Blue, go to http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.

To subscribe to "Beyond Blue" click here.