Christina Gombar: An Interview About Childless Women and Infertility

Although the emotional side of the issue mostly affects women, it affects men as well. Those who know me on Beyond Blue know it's been an issue I've struggled with most of my adult life, though I am now very much at peace with my decision not to have kids.

I'm glad Gombar mentioned the stigma given to childless married couples in the Catholic Church. The whole stance that those who do not have children (barring physical infertility) are sinful, wrong and even evil was a powerful force that helped drive me out of the Church for good.

(Though it's not just a Catholic phenomenon -- Beliefnet blogger Rod Dreher, who is Orthodox, is a huge believer that adults who do not have families, and indeed as many kids as possible, are selfish and basically bad people -- his justification, for example, for his anti-gay stance.)

And if those who want to bless their union and make it holy but do not desire children are no different than those "living in sin," why should a couple who loves each other and wants to commit WANT to marry in a traditional church? No wonder so many couples simply live together or bless their unions in non-traditional ways (new-age churches, justices of the peace on the beach, etc.).

Christina, you are eloquent, as always. I hope that people *not* in this situation will read this interview. Although it speaks to the heart and soul of those who are childless for a multitude of reasons, it is the others - the outsiders - who I believe would also be deeply moved and touched and have their collective consciousness raised.

"Christina: I think the real question is -- what can society do to normalize Elsa's situation? "

that really hits the nail on the head, christina. (and thank you for mentioning my blog in this awesome interview.) as a culture, we need to bring this subject into the conversation. the question above is a marvelous place to start.

i also believe we need to destigmatize not only childlessness and childfree living, but *discussing* these things in polite, everyday conversation. both parents and childless/childfree folks have given me *so* much feedback since i became vocal about all this stuff.

our culture has gotten to the point where we can discuss depression and Prozac with far less shame and fear of being inappropriate than, say, ten or fifteen years ago. people wear pink ribbons instead of hiding the fact that they have cancer in their families. it's time to let childlessness --- not just infertility, but the whole ball of wax --- out of the closet.

religious leaders such as ministers, pastors, and priests have a special responsibility to educate themselves about this matter and then educate their flocks. in the Old Testament, it's preferable to sleep with two women rather than go childless. we are no longer living in Old Testament times. i myself am not a Christian, but i respect the many changes in attitude offered by the New Testament. "have babies at all costs or be damned to hell" is nowhere to be seen in the Sermon on the Mount. those who claim to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ know that he advocated for love, understanding, and the Golden Rule. without fathering any children of his own, Jesus managed to be a very potent spiritual person.

Thank you so much for this great interview. Although I'm not childless, there are two issues that strike home to me in particular. One is seeing the extreme social pressures on childless people that make it so hard to retain a sense of self-esteem. Constantly under assault for being bad or inadequate has parallels in many other situations facing men and women. Social institutions and each individual should value every person's inner value and soul whatever their circumstances. The second thing is a personal issue in having someone close to me break up a marriage out of refusal to have children. The consequences are terrible, especially for the woman wanting a child who is left behind.

I wish the best to Christina as she continues to write about this.

And thank you, Therese.

Thank you for sharing, you may find this website helpful or wish to share it with others: www.moretolife.co.uk providing support, information and advice to people living involuntarily childless

Best wishes

Tracey

Raised Catholic, I grew up believeing in the sanctity of marriage and family. My husband and I tried five years before we were able to conceive. In time, with God's grace, fertility treatment worked for us and we have two beautiful children. I recently came upon a copy of the Roman Catholic Church's updated codes on reproduction and learned that in the eyes of the church, infertility treatment is akin to abortion. Talk about depressing! And yet the Church wants me to raise my children as good Catholics. Will someone address this?!

HI!JUST HAD A QUESTION. I HAVE A 6 YEAR OLD SON AND HAVE WANTED ANOTHER FOR SOME TIME NOW...DOES IT WORK THE OTHER WAY AROUND TOO? CAN YOU BE DEPRESSED AND THUS NOT BE ABLE TO CONCEIVE?

In love, I still have to ask, on the subject of adoption....do you want to be a breeder, or a parent? - one is a desire for self-gratification, the other is a promise of self-sacrifice. Sorry, but if you don't think adopting a baby, or a child of any age is good enough, maybe personal fulfillment is a little too high on your scale of importance. That is NOT what parenting is.

My background is where contact with women who had difficulty conceiving was routine. I was surprised, frankly, that I didn't, but after watching these women abuse themselves through self-doubt and the racquet of fertility "counseling", my husband and I vowed that if it didn't happen the old fashioned way, we would know that God had given us the signal that we were meant to parent by different means. To this day, we consider adoption as a way we wish to complete our family. I suffered a mid-term miscarriage of baby 3 and grieve for that child to this day. It is hard to imagine not knowing her. Someday. But I choose not to "suffer" endlessly - the suffering I knew had it's purpose, and now it's time has passed. That is a choice we all make.

Do I have deep abiding empathy with women who for whatever reason cannot or choose not to have biological children? - absolutely. Do I think women who have other, accessible options and instead choose to indulge themselves in whining and "why me" are immature and silly? - unapologetically yes. If you want a baby, get one. If you want to whine, it's your right. But please don't act as if your need for pregnancy supercedes the needs of a child who knows no parents.

And as a final, judgemental thought....for those women who think that their experience of infertility with spouse 2/3/4 who is their "Creators choice" - who are your living children? Satan's spawn? - shame on you! If you harp on having married the "wrong person" you've just told your kids that they're wrong for living. Don't ever let those beautiful children know their mother is so selfish that her sex drive is more important than their very existence. Emotional abuse, plain and simple! Gross.

I definitly was taken back by this article, a few opinions, random comments and scattered thoughts...."Childless Woman" I feel you very much.And girlfriend, woman to woman I hope you get a chance to read my blog so you know your not alone. You took my breathe away and tears of comfort that another woman feels similar to what I feel on this subject.

To those singing the praises of adoption. Guess what, adoption is not available for everyone either. I'm so tired of people telling me to go adopt instead of feeling sad about not having children. Not everyone CAN adopt. So few people understand the realities!

1.) It is expensive. The average cost is between $20-30,000. Double that if you don't want an only child. It can be more if there are problems, you have to take special time off work, fly to a country more than once etc. For those who have spent their life savings, home equity etc. trying to get pregnant, there is often little money left.

2.) Then there are the emotional costs. I've watched friends fall apart after the birth mother makes a last minute decision to keep a child they were adopting. Nearly half of all adopters have had these kinds of "false starts" and the average cost $5,000. These add up. See number 1.

2.) If you are waiting until "your fertility runs out" it can be very difficult to adopt if you are older. Many agencies and countries will not adopt to someone over 40.

3.) It can be competitive. You have almost no chance of adopting domestically if you are over 40 and competing with younger couples. And if you are blue collar workers, middle-class, rural etc., you will be up against doctors, lawyers and other with more money and opportunities to offer a baby.

4.) There can be other factors that impact your ability to adopt. Like medical issues. If you are single or married. If you are in a same sex relationship. Some agencies even want you to be a particular religion.

For the record, I am adopted myself. The only adopted girl in a family of 6 children. My family is wonderful and I love them very much. People call it win-win-win. Well, it's not that simple. It's a situation borne out of the pain of an unwed mother. It's a child who is taken out of it's place in the world, in their culture, in their biological family line. It's taken me years to unravel my identity and place in the world.

Adoption - just one more way to make infertile women feel like failures. Please, go back and reread the article.