Titles like this usually make me cringe. Because I'm waiting to hear some easy solution to all the complications that arise in almost any long-term relationship. But this piece by John Grohol of Psych Central I found to be solid, packed with substantial nuggets of wisdom. And I love the fact that he begins by saying that good and nurturing relationships demand some hard work from both parties. With that said, here are five secrets to successful long-term relationships, which you can also find by clicking here.
1. Compromise
Relationships are about not only taking, but also giving. If you find yourself not giving very much, or feeling resentful of how much you give and how little you receive back, you may be in an unequal relationship where one side is taking more than they are giving.
For instance, couples sometimes mistakenly believe that "love" will help them deal with any issue that comes up, and that if the other person truly loved you, they would just do as you ask. But people are independent with their own unique needs and personalities. Just because we found someone we want to spend our lives with doesn't mean we give up our own identity in the process.
2. Communicate
Relationships live and die not by the sword, but by the amount of discussion. If two people can't find a way to openly and honestly communicate their needs and feelings to one another, the relationship doesn't stand much of a chance long-term. Couples must find a way to communicate regularly, openly, and directly.
This doesn't mean waiting for an argument to tell your significant other how much he bothers you with his throwing his clothes on the floor instead of the hamper. It means telling him when you feel the need to, and to do so in a manner that is respectful but assertive.
3. Choose Your Battles Carefully
After marriage or when two people move in together, couples tend to discover pretty much the same thing no matter who they are - that they are two different people and living together is harder than anyone ever told them. Love conquers a lot of things, but it is no match for living day-in and day-out with another human being (especially if you've spent years on your own).
Prepare yourself for this challenge by choosing what arguments you want to turn into a full blown battle. For instance, do you really want to start a fight over the toothpaste cap or how clean the shower is? Or would you rather reserve your energy for the discussions over finances, kids, and career paths (you know, the things that might really matter to a person). Too many couples fight and bicker over the dumbest things, especially when put into context of issues of true importance.
4. Don't Hide Your Needs
Sometimes when we enter into a long-term relationship, we put ourselves second, behind the other person's needs and desires. We might give up working to have a child, or agree to move to another city to help support our significant other's career. And that's fine, but you need to be realistic first with yourself about whether such things really matter to you or not. If they do, you need to find a way to communicate such needs with your partner, and compromise where possible.
Two people will rarely have exactly the same wants and desires out of life -- that's just a fantasy. Instead, expect that sometimes your two paths will diverge. Express your needs at those crucial moments, but always find a way to do so respectfully and with an open mind.
5. Don't underestimate the importance of trust and honesty
Different people have different areas of concern, but almost everyone values trust and honesty from their partner above all. Why? Because your partner is the one person you want to be able to depend upon in the long-term, without question or doubt.
Little things where your significant other hasn't been completely honest shouldn't be blown out of proportion, because virtually everybody tells little white lies (especially when one is dating). Focus instead on the big things, like if they say they're a lawyer and you discover they've never even passed the bar, or they say they like kids but later on insist on never having one.
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Therese, ol' pal, you forgot the most important step, and for those of us "of a certain age," or living in a smallish town, or single parents, it is this: MEET SOMEONE!
I suspect i could manage a relationship with no more than the usual amount of blunders if I just met any single men in my age range (mid-late 40s). But it's all academic if you just do not meet men in the course of your life ... and we ARE getting a little old to be hanging out in bars!
Love,
Ovidia
Dear Ovidia,
I was fortunate to meet the love of my life at church, not at a bar, and I am in that age range of 40something.
This church was also a blessing, it welcomes people from all faiths, and from all walks of life. Everyone there, is coming there to find, in their way, a spiritual connection.
The love of my life is Jewish, and myself, well I was raised baptist, and I'm a christian. One of the most beautiful things about our relationship, is the common, and uncommon beliefs, and spiritual lives we share together.
May you find, who is meant for you, perhaps it won't be in your time, but in God/or Goddess' time, but by faith, as you move towards love, love will move towards you. :) Lynn
Great article; I think you saved the most important thing for last, though. Although it probably ought to be common sense that trust and honesty are critically important, not too long ago, I got to witness first-hand how a lack of trust and honesty can very quickly destroy a relationship...
A good friend of mine had been in a relationship with her fiance for about four years. Everything was going great -- or so she thought. A beach getaway with some of her gfs gave her a bit of an opportunity to reflect and discuss things with her friends... and she basically came to the realization that there were a couple years in her fiance's life she wasn't too clear on. So when she got back, she asked some questions... and only got some very vague and evasive answers. Being the detective type, she eventually told me about this, and I suggested perhaps he was hiding something in his past. And sure enough, he was -- not just a past relationship, not just a past engagement... but a marriage, divorce and divorce settlement he never said a single word to her about. Of course, he tried the whole "I'm-sorry-and-was-scared-to-tell-you" thing, but that was it. The relationship ended over that (albeit major) breach of trust and honesty. I can't help but wonder if things would've been a lot different if he had only told her sooner...
Don't hide your needs? Strange advice from the woman who complains -- publically -- about her husband's begging for sex as tiresome. It's amazing how much "not hiding your needs" looks like begging when it's inconvenient. But then you can humiliate him with something like mentioning "trash night" on the occasion of his 40th birthday, and you probably won't be troubled with either begging or communication ever again.
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