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Beyond Blue is one of the stopping points of Judith Orloff’s virtual blog tour. I was intrigued, especially, by the chapter in her book, “Emotional Freedom,” on sensitive people finding relationships that work. So with her publisher’s permission, here is an excerpt from the book.
Loneliness gets to some more than others. But why it hangs on isn’t always apparent when read by traditional medical eyes. In my medical practice and workshops I’ve been struck by how many sensitive, empathic people who I call “emotional empaths” come to me, lonely, wanting a romantic partner, yet remaining single for years. Or else they’re in relationships but feel constantly fatigued and overwhelmed. The reason isn’t simply that “there aren’t enough emotionally available people ‘out there,’” nor is their burnout “neurotic.” Personally and professionally, I’ve discovered that something more is going on.
Emotional empaths are a species unto themselves. Whereas others may thrive on the togetherness of being a couple, for empaths like me, too much togetherness can be difficult, may cause us to bolt. Why? We tend to intuit and absorb our partner’s energy, and become overloaded, anxious, or exhausted when we don’t have time to decompress in our own space. We’re super-responders; our sensory experience of relationship is the equivalent of feeling objects with fifty fingers instead of five.
Energetically sensitive people unknowingly avoid romantic partnership because deep down they’re afraid of getting engulfed. Or else, they feel engulfed when coupled, a nerve-wracking, constrictive way to live. If this isn’t understood, empaths can stay perpetually lonely; we want companionship, but, paradoxically, it doesn’t feel safe. One empath-patient told me, “It helps explain why at thirty-two I’ve only had two serious relationships, each lasting less than a year.” Once we empaths learn to set boundaries and negotiate our energetic preferences, intimacy becomes possible.
For emotional empaths to be at ease in a relationship, the traditional paradigm for coupling must be redefined. Most of all, this means asserting your personal space needs–the physical and time limits you set with someone so you don’t feel they’re on top of you. Empaths can’t fully experience emotional freedom with another until they do this. Your space needs can vary with your situation, upbringing, and culture. My ideal distance to keep in public is at least an arm’s length. In doctors’ waiting rooms I’ll pile my purse and folders on the seats beside me to keep others away. With friends it’s about half that. With a mate it’s variable. Sometimes it’s rapture being wrapped in his arms; later I may need to be in a room of my own, shut away. One boyfriend who truly grasped the concept got me a “Keep Out” sign for my study door! For me, this was a sign of true love. All of us have an invisible energetic border that sets a comfort level. Identifying and communicating yours will prevent you from being bled dry by others. Then intimacy can flourish, even if you’ve felt suffocated before. Prospective mates or family members may seem like emotional vampires when you don’t know how to broach the issue of personal space. You may need to educate others–make clear that this isn’t about not loving them–but get the discussion going. Once you can, you’re able to build progressive relationships.
If you’re an empath or if the ordinary expectations of coupledom don’t jibe with you practice the following tips.
Tip 1. What to say to a potential mate
As you’re getting to know someone, share that you’re a sensitive person, that you periodically need quiet time. The right partner will be understanding; the wrong person will put you down for being “overly sensitive,” won’t respect your need.
Tip 2. Clarify your preferred sleep style
Traditionally, partners sleep in the same bed. However, some empaths never get used to this, no matter how caring a mate. Nothing personal; they just like their own sleep space. Speak up about your preferences. Feeling trapped in bed with someone, not getting a good night’s rest, is torture. Energy fields blend during sleep, which can overstimulate empaths. So, discuss options with your mate. Separate beds. Separate rooms. Sleeping together a few nights a week. Because non-empaths may feel lonely sleeping alone, make compromises when possible.
Tip 3. Negotiate your square footage needs
You may be thrilled about your beloved until you live together. Experiment with creative living conditions so your home isn’t a prison. Breathing room is mandatory. Ask yourself, “What space arrangements are optimal?” Having an area to retreat to, even if it’s a closet? A room divider? Separate bathrooms? Separate houses? I prefer having my own bedroom/office to retreat to. I also can see the beauty of separate wings or adjacent houses if affordable. Here’s why: conversations, scents, coughing, movement can feel intrusive. Even if my partner’s vibes are sublime, sometimes I’d rather not sense them even if they’re only hovering near me. I’m not just being finicky; it’s about maintaining well-being if I live with someone.
Tip 4. Travel wisely
Traveling with someone, you may want to have separate space too. Whether my companion is romantic or not, I’ll always have adjoining rooms with my own bathroom. If sharing a room is the only option, hanging a sheet as a room divider will help. “Out of sight” may make the heart grow fonder.
Tip 5. Take regular mini-breaks
Empaths require private downtime to regroup. Even a brief escape prevents emotional overload. Retreat for five minutes into the bathroom with the door shut. Take a stroll around the block. Read in a separate room. One patient told her boyfriend, “I need to disappear into a quiet room for ten minutes at a party, even if I’m having fun,” a form of self-care that he supports.
In my medical practice, I’ve seen this creative approach to relationships save marriages and make ongoing intimacies feel safe, even for emotional empaths (of all ages) who’ve been lonely and haven’t had a long-term partner before. Once you’re able to articulate your needs, emotional freedom in your relationships is possible.
Judith Orloff MD is a psychiatrist and author of the New York Times Bestseller “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Harmony, 2009), upon which this article is based. As a gift to anyone who buys Emotional Freedom during her virtual tour – Dr Orloff is offering 100 free gifts from noted transformational leaders such as Dr. Christiane Northrup, Dr. Michael Beckwith, Dr. Bruce Lipton, Shirley Maclaine and more go to: http://www.drjudithorloff.com/emotional-freedom-promotion/
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Therese J. Borchard writes the daily blog, Beyond Blue, on Beliefnet and is a regular contributor to the award-winning blog, World of Psychology, on Psych Central. Therese is the author of Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes and The Pocket Therapist: An Emotional Survival Kit. Subscribe to Beyond Blue, visit her website, or follow her on Twitter @thereseborchard.
Meet others on the journey in
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Therese J. Borchard writes the daily blog, Beyond Blue, on Beliefnet and is a regular contributor to the award-winning blog, World of Psychology, on Psych Central. Therese is the author of Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes and The Pocket Therapist: An Emotional Survival Kit. Subscribe to Beyond Blue, visit her website, or follow her on Twitter @thereseborchard.
posted August 7, 2009 at 9:19 am
Hi Therese
Thank you so much for posting information from Emotional Freedom with your readers. I’ve been enjoying the wealth of information that Dr Orloff shares in this book – so many people need this information.
Nikki Leigh
posted August 8, 2009 at 5:22 am
oh my, I wish I’d read about this so many year ago…. I always knew I felt hyper-sensitive and that it affected relationships, but this brief article summarizes a lot of my own issues. I will need to read Dr. Orloff’s book!
posted August 8, 2009 at 6:37 pm
I can totally identify with this! I was just at a wedding today and I had to run out of the wedding reception and cry for a while because I just felt over loaded. I appreciate the idea of setting boundries and such, but I also want to desensitize myself so that I can feel half way normal in very social events, or around close friends for that matter.
posted August 9, 2009 at 2:34 pm
For 2 years I tried to teach a guy that I was dating that I needed ‘down time’. He took it personally, that I didn’t want to be with him. The relationship ended, which was too bad because there was a lot of positive stuff going on. His inability to allow me time for myself was a ‘deal breaker’.
Trouble is….a lot of my energy drain comes from work – constant interaction, surrounded by people, no space to myself. I feel there’s little I can do about that environment other than taking 5-10 minute breaks or some deep breaths more frequently. Terribly insufficient, so just about every work day I end up feeling like I’ve been hit by a truck. I spend weekends soaking up solitude.
posted August 9, 2009 at 3:04 pm
Well finally a name for what I have had all these years. And then add OCD to that. Afraid of being touched, crowded, or suffocated. Having been through a few relationships most of them not able able to accept how I am. One even quite abusive and taunting. It’s like I have just resolved to the fact that a relationship is not meant to be. So you resign all attempts. I am glad you posted the article. I never heard of this happening to anybody before. Or a name for it. Boo
posted August 10, 2009 at 9:33 am
This article was very helpful and very informative.I believe it’s about maintaining your personal space while being involved with someone it’s not an easy task at all. I have been divorced for over 10 years and just recently starting dating someone, seriously dating and I’m learning alot about myself. This article showed me it’s alright to ask for my personal time and space which I really need.
posted August 10, 2009 at 11:51 am
It’s wonderful to read concise advise about how to cope with one’s empathic response. For those of us born with a high (too high?) empathic sense, life can be overwhelming. Add to that the longing for connection with another, you have a tough, if virtually impossible dichotomy of needs. However, once you are free to embrace your need for space, whether it fits into the often unrealistic romantic notions of what should and should not be, once you are free to write your own script, you can exist within a loving and mutually supportive relationship on your own terms rather than the terms of those who’d claim to know what’s best for you. Isn’t that what life is all about?
Thanks again for sharing such precious wisdom and insight, Therese. I always look forward to your Mindful Mondays and other blurbs.
posted August 10, 2009 at 11:54 am
Wow…it is wonderful to know there are others like me. When you have this, you feel like you walk alone…you wonder what is wrong with you and why you are not “like everyone else”. Thank you for this blog piece…it would be nice to read more on this topic. Thank you.
posted August 10, 2009 at 1:25 pm
I read this article and went whew….. I’ve had many relationships (including two marriages) and always felt “hemmed in” by another. I’m currently been on my own, living with my son which is no problem. I would really like to meet someone, but I also like being on my own, having my own space. It’s really important to me. After reading this article I feel better about myself and that there are others who think the same as I do.
posted August 10, 2009 at 5:26 pm
I sometimes find myself desiring my loved one less when I don’t have time and space for myself…I get lonely for myself, and this loneliness can present itself as unhappiness. I’m still not sure how to request my need for alone space and time. I sometimes feel like I’m losing control if I don’t have time to check in only with me.
posted August 10, 2009 at 5:29 pm
Does anyone have recoommended books on this topic? I relate so much to what Suzi wrote.
posted August 11, 2009 at 2:12 am
Wow–I’m not so goofy after all!! I have always felt “trapped”–wanting love and a relationship, but not constant togetherness. I always do best when we each have different homes–and can go to them. My most comfortable relationship ran on a 3-day cycle–one night we stayed together, the next day no contact and the third a phone call. It was perfect in my mind. I must check this book out!!
posted August 11, 2009 at 9:52 am
This is a breath of fresh air for me. I absorb all the emotional energy in a room, and it can be so overwhelming. I can feel when I have had as much as I can stand, because I can’t sit still; I am desperate to escape. This can happen with my family whom I love or my closest friends. After being with a lot of people, it takes me so long to feel grounded again, so I can sleep at night. It is nice to know there are others like me; this explains a lot about the choices I have made in life that just look like big mistakes. They are my attempt to regain peace and control.
posted August 11, 2009 at 7:43 pm
Wow! Finally, it all makes sense! Oh how I wish I would have known there was a word for it a long time ago so I would have known how to explain it to the most awesome man I have ever loved. Unfortunetly, I let him go because the sharing of the one bedroom proved to be way too much for me.
posted August 11, 2009 at 7:47 pm
Oops! That was mine…above!
posted August 13, 2009 at 11:21 pm
Wow. I can SO relate to this. Thanks for posting these suggestions. I’m going to pass the info along to my people.
posted August 13, 2009 at 11:27 pm
PS: I think it’s important for the “non empath partner” to realize that these gifts of space and alone-time need to be given with love, peace and understanding. It does no good if you’re overwhelmed and need to take a break and then your partner is resenting you for it.
Maybe some partner negotiations can even things out. For example, the partner who is agreeing to make dinner or stay with the kids while the other catches a sanity break should get some type of compensation for this kind gesture – maybe a night out with the guys/girls, or some other type of “freebie.”
Sensitive people can’t help how they feel. If we could, we wouldn’t feel the feelings in the first place.
posted August 13, 2009 at 11:28 pm
PS: oh, no! I didn’t mean to add a URL to the body of the post. Thought this was the “normal” blog entry form where you enter your URL. Sorry!
posted August 15, 2009 at 10:24 am
DEAR ALL…
I ADAMIT IT … I AM AN EMOTIONAL EMPATH… I AM TIRED OF FEELING GUILTY FOR IT… ENJOY IT…
BEST WISHES…
GERSHON…
posted August 18, 2009 at 12:49 am
Dr. Elaine Aron has written extensively on this subject, which she calls “The Highly Sensitive Person.” Her writings (and therapy with her; I was lucky enough to have her as my psychotherapist in San Francisco for several years), helped me to finally understand why I had been accused of being “too sensitive” my entire life. I was able to own my high sensitivity and use it to find the right career for me. Her work literally changed my life. I highly recommend it.
posted August 27, 2009 at 3:39 pm
Wow–this so describes my 17-year old daughter. She is my only child and she is so this personality type. In fact, I think I am too, but due to maturity, I’ve learned to deal with certain aspects of it.
In regards to personal space, I can’t go to an all-day car show with my husband. I can only take that many people for so long before i start getting irritated with people. Because of this, I have avoided going which makes me feel bad for my husband. I did try to go to an all day car event recently; however, by the time we got home, I was ready to pull my hair out!
Are there any highly sensitive/emotional empaths smother-daughter relationships out there?
Thanks!
posted July 25, 2010 at 4:37 am
This was really great. This shows how you can come a long way just by following some “make sense” rules. A new book called The Power by Rhonda Byrne -the woman who wrote The Secret- is going to be released on aug 17th and it is suppose to talk a lot about this. I am looking forward to that.
posted August 7, 2010 at 8:55 am
????????