16 Ways Depression Is Like a Pumpkin

Therese:

Since it's only an hour's drive from you across the Bay Bridge, have you or your family ever attended the Punkin' Chunkin' in Delaware, where pumpkins get catapulted to go splat hundreds of feet away?

It's coming up in a few weeks ... could be fun!

http://www.punkinchunkin.com/

What Does Depression Feel Like?
For Therese

Like I’m a spectator at my own life.
Watching and wondering why I am so sad.
I look at the blue sky, the trees, feel the breeze,
Hmmm, I should be enjoying this.
Instead I’m sighing heavily, taking small steps,
(Takes less energy that way),
My shoulders drooping. head down.
Hey, you idiot, it’s a beautiful day!
I look up.
It hurts to look at the sky,
Not my eyes, my heart.
Why does that hurt?
Its beautiful, that’s why.
And I am so… not.
It feels like I am outcast, apart, alone.
I am with my grandchildren.
Nine and eleven.
I watch the scene, it seems idyllic.
Actually my ex, step grandchildren, but
They love me.
They are beautiful, wonderful, little people.
I can hardly stand to be with them.
I push them on the swings
And as they laugh
A wave of palpable gloom
Flows out from my gut.
And I want to run away
And hide or even die.
I’m in my body now.
Its not fear, though I am afraid of it.
There is no word for it.
“It” is a flow of almost physically heavy,
very heavy, emotion..
Perhaps a combination of the downside every emotion I have ever felt since I was the one being pushed in the swing and I’m overwhelmed by “I can’t” and “Why?” and “I’ve got to get out of here!” and “I don’t understand”, and “I’m going to cry or yell….”
But I somehow stay, I even smile.
For them. For a while.
This is so hard.
Let’s go guys. (I need a cigarette)
The air and the sunlight are thick and heavy,
I feel like I’m moving against
Some slow but steady current,
Like a river of mud.
And yes, I feel unclean.
And they’re disappointed we’re leaving so soon
And just when I thought I couldn’t feel worse
I feel guilty and weak and….
Worse.
I have disappointed loved ones again.
Somehow that’s the worst thing I can think of right now.
And I’ve done it.
Again.
It’s always been like this.
It will always be like this.
I want to die.
But the boys…. I manage a smile
Want something to drink?
They always like that.
The mini-mart/gas station/A&W
Is always so bright and busy with cool stuff all around.
I feel better.
“Papa?” One of the boys holds something small and cool but mini-mart priced at twice its value and I wouldn’t buy it even if I could afford it. And I shake my head and say I can’t afford it, sorry, and he’s… that word again and I physically droop and almost cry and I pay for our drinks with a heavy sigh and I still manage a smile as I ruffle their hair and give them a bump of my hip on the way back to the car with the primer black hood and fender I can’t afford to get painted but it’s dependable and they like it.
And I love this but I can’t stand it for much longer.
I let them play their radio station.
Unless the lyrics are too trashy
Then its oldies or light rock and my gut burns with that emotion
As I drop them off at home.
Bye Papa. Bye guys. (I’m sorry)
Damn… I couldn’t… I didn’t… Why?
Guilt. Shame. Love. Pain.
Chain smoking and a few diet cokes
I get free ‘cause I’m a regular at the bar and its more bearable.
Home is upstairs. Empty.
I want to run away somewhere but I don’t have the will.
Thank God there’s an elevator.
On the way up I sigh and cry and
I open the door and I sink a little lower looking at the clutter,
But now I can sit in my dusty prayer chair and be still and
Know that He is God.
I close my eyes. And cry.
Eventually, I’m aware of Him.
I’ll live, somehow.
But why?

Thanks so much Therese. I'll think about making it beautiful, giving it a light, and I'm working on tearing it's guts out, but, as you know, its very messy.
Mark

Thank you, Therese, for sharing. Today is foggy in Seattle, but I feel so good. Being nearly 55 and having suffered from depression starting in 1960 with my time in foster care, I've had many wins and losses in life.

Getting out and exercising strenuously last night has made the difference. I'm sure we all know about hormones and how exercise increases our ability to feel "upbeat". I worry (see, good stuff already fading) about what I will do when I'm no longer able to physically work out strenuously. How will I manage the depression then? Thankfully, my faith has returned to me, and I hope prayer will always see me through.

Regards,
Cyndi

I am online to do things to make myself feel better.
schedule therapy appt.
enroll in school to become a yoga instructor.
i even went to power yoga class today.
my youngest son is sleeping.
the other is happy to have received a toy from grandma in the mail and is playing with it.
i force a smile when he comes around to show me.
I read on beliefnet.com (my fav site!)
I even write down the number to schedule breast augmentation today. something i've been wanting forever. I know,.... shallow.
i will do all of these things today.
to be productive and to feel like I am trying.
but it's still there.
the despair, the sadness, the grief, the loss of the old me.
i am lonely so I will go out tonight with some other moms from the moms group.
they don't know me and I like that.
my husband will be home with the kids and it's better.
the marriage is a charade.
married at 23 with the belief that i would be enough.
and i'm not.
he doesn't cheat- he just looks- like the other men do... and why do i accept it?
it's his nature he tells me. it's his weakness i say.
so, at 31 (my bday is halloween!) i will seperate with the kids in toe.
get back to full time work for the first time in 5 years.
lock my own door at night and take out my own trash
not b/c I don't love him
i just don't believe anymore that this is all there is.
i don't want someone else.
i just want for me to be enough.
always searching for happiness
but will settle to be content.
my pumpkin is plain now. not carved or painted, just like me.
i hope one day soon, it will stick out as beautiful and different.
but for now, it's just like me.

I like the light in the pumpkin...somedays it shines brighter than others, but there is hope! It's alot of work, this depression, and the real biter is the loneliness. But, lonely or not, I light that candle to the best of my aboility and let whatever light I have shine...and this makes all the difference: knowing I broke the darkness..if only ever so slightly. Thanks!

Terese,

That was lovely, humorous and I think I will pass your url to my depressive friends. Halloween is my favorite season, so this was very apropos.

Thanks...

Karen

PS I think you are actually suffering from SAD (seasonal affective disorder.) I think if we could manage to live on the surface of the sun (yeah, sarcasm,) we would all be fine.

I'm going to be looking at pumpkins in a different way now. I have some shiny orange paper somewhere. Not sure what I'll do about the black and green parts. I don't want to forget "The Pumpkin Poem"

Thanks Therese for posting it.

No Valerie, You are not the only one in the world like this. I am not saying this to diminish your pain or to pretend that I fully understand. I am saying it because it reminds me so much of my own plight. I wasn't the pretty one but I was the athelete but I also had difficulty making friends, real friends. I have been a physical person my whole life now due to severe spinal arthritis ans damaged discs I can no longer persue the physical activities that I loved and the work that I so enjoyed and then you are right, there is the 24/7 pain.
Suicide, certainly has crossed my mind but then there just might be one more good thing that needs doing and I might be the person who needs to do it.
My heart goes out to you Valerie and I hope and pray you stay around because you never know when miracles will happen. You just might be someone's miracle.
Jim

Hi! Everyone!

I have much of the same stuff going on in my body (more), mimd and life. I am tired of being labelled and stopped by my illness. I will speak only positive things (I'm trying real hard here).

God has given us the power to chose our own path. Therefore, it is up to us to speak and create the life we want. If we only speak of the bad in our lives, what are we going to create--more bad? Well, I am done with that and I'm working on creating a great and awesome life for myself and maybe a few others!!

It is very important what we speak because God made us in a way that we are able to put into action what we speak (Ask and you shall receive..) We have to search for the answers to our lives--What is our purpose?--Why are we in this situation?--How can I serve God out of my abundance if I don't feel like I have any abundance or love over flowing?

The Bible says that we are to 'be transformed by the renewing of our minds.' Stop doing what you're doing now and find a new way to achieve your dreams. So, reading the Bible can transform us!! (Seek and ye shall find...). We attract what we put out there. If we want friends, we need to be friendly, positive, approachable, happy, and open. Look in your mirror and speak it into existence if you don't feel it!

I always felt as if doors were constantly closing and I accepted that because I thought that maybe God didn't want me to go through that door. I guess, sometimes, that was true, but I had to take a hard look at my life and realize that God is love and he would not do anything to hurt me. Sometime in my life, I created my situation or accepted it too easily when it was offered. I walked through those doors. If I could create and walk through those doors that brought me here, I can create new doors or windows of escape (God does not shut a door without opening a window of excape).

I don't know about you, but learning this info and taking action has given me the 'strength of God.' I thank God for where I am and for answering prayer. I thank Him for being patient with me while I walked down this road of dispare, but now I am ready to open the doors and windows wide so that I can receive all the good things in life that God has waiting for me. I am grateful for all the things I have learned and for all the gifts I have and will receive.

I do not mean to preach--I am not a preacher--but just wanted to share how I am trying to work on my life. Don't give up--no matter how hard it seems! Just take baby steps. Start by saying, "I am a child of God and He loves me and wants to give me all good things;" "I AM WELL and I can do all things through the Lord's strength;" I AM WEATHY, HEALTHY AND WISE IN EVERY AREA IN MY LIFE;" "I THANK YOU, GOD, FOR ALL YOU HAVE GIVEN ME AND ALL THOSE WHO PATHS I MIGHT CROSS ON MY JOURNEY." "ALL PRAISES AND GLORY IS YOURS LORD FOR THROUGH YOU, I AM ABLE TO DO ANYTHING."

I am just learning myself to break bindings that prevent me from being all that I can be. What I think and how I say it will determine what I create--We are made in God's image!! Can you see what that means?? We can create a beautiful world for all to live in just by concentrating on those words that will make it so. If you think that this doesn't work or isn't true, why not try it for a million years and see what happens? If our hearts are in the right place and we share with others and we forgive those who have hurt us, what we
create will be good, wonderful and true.

As for purpose, the Bible says that we should 'knock and the door will be opened....' When I think about many of the things I spoke negatively about, I realize that I had built more turmoil by talking about it! God has given us each gifts--some we know about and some we will learn about as we step out in faith to try new things. Right now, I am serving God and His purpose just by talking with you! We are to sit ourselves separate from the 'world and it's ways' so that we can help others understand by our joy what God wants also for them. Just be yourself and work on the renewing part and one day you will look back and see that you've become a different person and then, you will attract the right type of people in your life. Well, I must stop and continue on working to get that big log out of my eye!! BE WELL AND GOD BLESS YOU WITH YOUR HEART'S DESIRE.

Judy

Yeah, Therese!! What a bizarre way to look at PUMPKINS!! Halloween has ALWAYS been my favorite holiday; I used to dress up (as an adult!) and hand out candies and check fingers for plumpness for the "oven," as a witch (a beautiful one, at that!). But now, I live in a gated condo; children are NOT allowed to come in and go trick-or-treating. But - I haven't let that stop me! I dress up as Elvira (yes, I spent BIG money on the costume and wig!), and carve a pumpkin with my boyfriend (who never carved one before - and he's 63!), and we take pictures and pretend we're having fun. But - I miss the kids. I'm 59, with bipolar disorder, and I've NEVER been able to have kids. There is an emptiness in my womb that will never disappear, and it seems Halloween only makes it emptier. When I'm "ill," it's always the "manic" side; but reading your blog, and the others, I feel a sort of melancholy that won't break.

Please, SOMEONE, write a BRIGHT lesson on this blog; I need some sunshine today before I turn into a blinking, snarly jack-o-lantern, and cover my head with my blanket!!

CHEER UP, gloomy gusses...there's a whole WORLD out there to explore. God put us ALL here to become someone's MIRACLE. I've finally told my boyfriend that I LOVE HIM, and I'm passionately aware that he might feel the same way! Be HAPPY for me!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN - don't let the bedbugs bite...

Excellant analogy of Depression! I say look inside the pumpkin, between the gory mess is the seeds-seeds of hope, love, and laughter. Iits only going through the mess that you find that. God Bless!

I have another one for you. Depression is like a haunted house that you can't get out of because it scares you so much but then you see the exit somewhere and run out screaming for your life not wanting to go back in. It's not really about pumpkins but it can relate to Halloween!

lol...cool ;)

Hi! Everyone!

Suzanne, I am 58 and also was unable to have children but not because of being bi-polar. I never have been dianose as being bi-polar, but I might be. I have gone to doctors on a regular basis since I was 21 years old. I went through being treated for a lot of things I did and didn't have (wrong dianoses). I have been operated on 10 times, twice for cancer; twice for ulcerative colitis; cyst and fibroids, etc., etc., etc. I have asthma, chronic sinutitus, allergies to many things (air-borne, food, man-made product, etc.), I take pills for these things plus for pain for arthritis, degenerative dysc disease, osteoporosis, scoleosis and fybromyalgia, cyst on my sciactic nerve,and etc. I also have had over 25 nerve blocks in my head and neck and one in my back. Plus my immune system cannot do its job because of all the above. Add heart ache, a couple of rapes and a disfuntional family and you pretty much have my depressing story.

I write all this stuff because as you can see, if not bi-polar, I have had my share of depression from all the things that have hindered me from being all the things I wanted to be. I have an emptiness inside that if I allowed myself to dwell on, would tear me apart.

But!!!! Do I let this define who I am? Do I allow the evil darkness darken my whole life?....I have at times, when I just couldn't cope with one more problem or health issue.

But...I kept searching for answers and listening to better ways of dealing with all this stuff. I am not going to let this stuff define me!!! I have had success in overcoming or getting through the dark tunnel and stepping out into the light. If you look back at your life, you will see where you have fought and won, but even if you fought and lost or failed, you have still come out on the other side of each darkness in your past.

I ask God for a child and he ask me to be a Sunday teacher. I ask God for a child and he brought me children to babysit. Again, I asked God for a child and he brought me my neice and nephew to care for a while. When I accepted that I would never have a child, I tried to adopt. I cried everyday for 5 years then, when all hope was lost, God sent me Lauri from Korea. When Lauri left, God sent me the neigborhood of all ages of kids and great nieces and nepthews...He sent me friends' kids, my daughter's friends and their kids. My daughter may one day send me grand-children. When I look back God has blessed me with many children!!

If I only looked at the cup as half full, I would only see the down side of my life and believe myself to be a failure. But, even if I didn't have all of this to be grateful for, God has given me purpose!! All of you sharing your experiences in defeat and successes on this site and others has helped others to not feel so alone. God might have prepared you just for this moment to help someone else to make it through one more night!!

Make a list of all you are grateful for and another list of all the good you have done in your life (This will help you to see your worth instead of the lack). Make a list that seems impossible to change, but you want to change and then try to figure out a way that you can get around your problem, get over it, get through it or replace it with something else. Now think on these things! Speak (out loud)about what you want, NOT about what you have and don't want. Thank God for what you have and what you will have (act as if you already have it and your subconcious will hear, God will hear, people will gather to pray for you and help you to create what you want, the world and universe will hear and somehow, someway it will come to past. I believe this...I sometimes forget..but this is what I am working on. Does any of this make sense to any of you? I wish you health, joy, love, friendship, wealth, happiness, laughter, and the light of God to shine on you to warm your soul.

Your Friend,

Judy

P.S.

Donna--I like your analogy--wish I could express myself as well!!

Amp3--I can relate to the Dog. In the past, I had replaced a pet with another similiar in type. Even though they were different characters, they eventually filled in the void and ache I had in my heart. My dog died 4 wks. ago. Buzzy was very special--He was my mom's dog and helped me to get over my dog who died the day after my mom. He helped me to remember my mom (how happy she was around him). My husband doesn't want to get another dog because it isn't easy to get someone to watch him when we are away on business (that doesn't happen often). I'm about ready to just go and get another dog without his help...I will ask God to send me the right dog for our family (has to like cats too!) Please! Amp! How can we help you? All of us have been close to giving up. Please, DON'T give up!! I care! Tomorrow, look for something or someone to make you laugh or makes you happy. If you cannot get someone to be with you before this depression passes, go to a clinic or hospital! Find someone to talk to. When my first cat (my first child replacement) died, I cuddled with a stuffed animal that had similiar fur, then I went for a walk expecting to find some peace somehow. I met a lady who was sitting in a park and she shared her life with me as I did with her. We exchanged numbers, but when I tried to call her later, her number was disconnected. I now believe that she was sent to me from God to help me through that day. I don't know how you feel about God or if you have some other type of spiritual guide, etc.--Just ask for what you want...okay?

BE WELL! BE HAPPY! HAVE HOPE! REACH FOR WHAT YOU DESIRE! GOD BLESS! Judy

Bravo!

You have taken a difficult and often painful subject and added just the right touch of humor. I'm a 20+ year "survivor" (bi-polar) and have finally, I hope and pray, mastered the challenge of living with the condition and sometimes, yes, even being grateful of being "this way." Humor (and faith) have helped me along the way.

I'm grateful to you and your insights...I wish there were more folks as enlightened as you.

J. Linderman

I HAVE READING THIS BEYOND BLUE THING FOR A WHILE.YOU MAY GIVE HOPE TO PEOPLE WITH MINIMUM TO MILD DEPRESSION.BUT APPARENTLY YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO SUFFER FROM SEVERE DEPRESSION.
IF YOU REALLY THINK THAT PEOPLE WITH DEPRESSION PUT THEIR FEELINGS OUT FOR ALL TO SEE, YOU ARE GROSSLY MISTAKEN.THEY TRY TO HIDE.
AND I CAN'T UNDERSTAND HOW ANYTHING ABOUT DEPRESSION CAN BE PUT TO GOOD USE.

Therese,
Your list made me laugh out loud--thank you! Keep up the great work.

Thanks Therese, Humor is SO Healthy! No matter how severe one's depression is, Try to laugh now and then.

Therese,
This fits me to a tee, you are dead on.
Thanks!

May I add to the list? Similar to #16 -- You can carve holes in it, which not only lets the light in and out, but makes it a little less weighty and cumbersome. That's what your observations do for me, Therese -- they take something heavy and scary and break it down into smaller bits and poke holes in the really big bits of gloom so they are more manageable! God bless you all -- love and *hugs* VickiB.

I have been dealing with depression for a long time, my whole life. The pumpkin thought is wonderful, It takes the depression and explains every angle of it, and there are so many. I had an abusive childhood then married an alocolic, which was like being marryed to a nightmare for 25 years, now for 8 years I have been in remission and I have a good life with a loving partner. But still the depression haunts me and every morning I wake up and check my head to see if is still gone, then I thank god...and take one day at a time.

i absolutely love the beliefnet emails..
i am a 19 year old mother and have been suffering with depression on and of since i was 14, i was finally recently diagnosed with depression and bi polar disorder and a possibility of schitzofrenia.. these emails really help me along with all of these symptoms and really make me feel like i always have some one to talk to!! thanks to all of the supporters and beliefnet..
EILEEN

Well this is the longest I've spent in the black hole. It's an effort to even sit at the computer. I'm just killing time. (better than myself I guess) I keep trying to put my house in order but it's chaos! I'm not feeling sorry for myself..it's a little beyond that, but for everyone else I'm weighing down. The dream is over and that leaves nothing but the nightmare...and I can't wake up! Not to worry, I have too many four legged dependants to off myself just yet. I'm hoping for an eleventh hour miracle. I think that's God's department. I disagree with Dr. Phil in that you're less likely to commit suicide when everyone else in the world at large is so miserable right now. I'm just counting the seconds and staying too busy to think if I can. It's paralyzing me.

I think alot of my depression is a chemical inbalance, but it also came from loss, the loss of my father and his family, the loss of my mom and my first marrage, and the loss of all my friends .when i got diagnosed with the depression and ptsd, all my friends left me one at a time .then my family and some of my kids left. Now I just focus on myself because no one else is, I love myself, and buy for my self, and every day i put myself first. i know that sounds selfish , but people just come and go , but my heart just stayes the same and never leaves. so i have learned to care for my heart first. My friend dorothy who is 96 years old ,once told me most people are dopey and full of baloney. so just do not take everything so literally. I try to remember this, some times I think if i started crying i would never stop because all the loss.

Peace
I call upon gods angels of healing and peace
to glow around my family and friends
and never will it cease, this peace
the calming quiet of wings not seen
will go straight to the soul of EVERY being
when your heart breaks open from so many fears
from so many years
realize god does that to make room
for more love to fall in
in there to bloom
love is the only way
nothing else is real
now conquer all and be on your way

I don't know who wrote this (maybe someone out there does)but I like it and it seems to fit your blog today...about this time every year I
put it out on desk top where it seems to remind me of who I am, where I am going in life:
A woman asked by a co-worker "What is it like to be a
Christian?"
The co-worker replied, "It's like being a pumpkin. God picks
you from the patch, brings you in, and washes all the dirt
off you. He then cuts off the top (ouch!)and scoops out all
the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt,hate,greed,
etc. and then He carves you a new smiling face and puts His
light inside of you for all the world to see."

Finding a solution is very important, most only find a prescribable diagnosis... Which only helps to "ride it out" till it returns repeating itself. It is better to find a solution and grow from there even if it hurts.

I thoroughly enjoy reading your articles and comments. I agree with most all and I think I'll put my pumpkin on the porch also. I will light it so that, through the spirit of the light it will be beautiful and make my holidays light and happy.

Very good article, if anything makes me blue, it is the flu (pandemic)!

Those comparisons are awesome! What a creative idea! :)
*HUGS*

I think all off them make sense!! Thank you for the article..It is so true each and everyone. I do to like the craving one that it temporary looks beautiful and then wilts away that is true long life depression or mental illness, you have the good moments but for the most part they don't last especially this time of year. This time is when I use to find a reason when celebrating the holidays to go up to my room with a house full of people before I started to get help before I even knew what I truly had..these days I do everything possible to be thankful and their for my family and if I can't or if I can fake it to get through dinner then I go into my room and have my time I need..thats the key, they may know the adults and the older children that you may be trying to get through but you do and putting on that face and getting through it has been a big accomplishment for me..Let see what this year holds b/c my outlook has changed I am trying to get excited making plans to bake cookies with my son and other things maybe this will help by going the extra mile and getting though maybe I won't go to my room or put on that fake smile to make it through the holidays and Go to Church and the events that lead up to those services and continue to pray and be thankful for the place that I am right now this day..One day at a time, one hour at a time, sometimes even one minute at a time.

God Bless you Therese and all of you other faithful bloggers
Leeann

To Therese and all you fine readers of Beyond Blue. You are also great writers. After reading ALL the comments, I know that I am a little better now. After years of depression and hiding it from family and friends............you feel as low as you can get.
I can emphase with each of you and where you are in your dark times.

Yes, I am not looking forward to winter months, same as you. WE have to find bright places to go: botanical garden, butterfly house, play date with grandchildren.

One bad way I get thru is overeating. I am thinking of ordering a small wedding cake, putting it in the freezer and indulging myself when the need is here. HA HA HA Also, my sense of humor helps me big time. BUT MY ADULT CHILDREN DO NOT UNDERSTAND IT. Just thinking about "my wedding cake" is enough to get me thru a rough place.

Those of you who are having trouble seeing anything positive: do not watch the news, don't read newspapers, don't watch news on the computer. Find happy places to focus your attention. Going to a good movie or renting one is a favorite of mine. Of course, if all fails I stick in my copy of "What About Bob?" For you it may be "The Jerk" or "Bad Bandits" or "Thelma and Louise." The list can go on and on.

It's up to us to find small ways to get thru each day or part of a day. It's hard...............but does get better the longer you work on feeling better. You may have down days, BUT you have more good days. Built on that AND BE HAPPY FOR YOURSELF. We deserve to feel good about ourselves. I keep meaning to make my Self-Esteem File.
I will start it in Nov.....but if I don't, I'm not going to get down on myself. Maybe it will be Dec, Jan or Feb. I just know this is something that will help me.

God Bless each of you who wrote a comment on this subject.

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