Not So Brady: 4 Rules for Staying Together When You Remarry with Kids
Friday October 16, 2009
Categories: Marriage
Marriage tips from an expert in stepfamilies.
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I could have used this advice before my first marriage failed. I guess technically my first marriage isn't quite over yet, but the papers have been filed. My wife probably could have used this advice more than me, but that is splitting hairs.
Divorce sucks no matter how you look at it, but at least reading this give me some hope that I may find a new life partner and be able to maintain the relationship and make it work.
What a great post...So, the Brady Bunch is not the ideal family we thought it was! Being in a stepfamily requires humor, knowledge, and patience. Thanks to Wednesday for her research and clear thoughtful ideas for step families and to stepmom's in particular. She hass given validity to some of our innermost and often hidden thoughts and feelings. Bravo, Wednesday!
I think that those four items hit the nail on the head. It's important to have things in check so that the kids can see and know where things stand. If the right hand isn't on the same page as the left hand, Oy! Trouble!
I also think that the tips on fighting are so important and helpful. It's easy, in the heat of a moment to get caught up and fight the WRONG way.
Great advice!
I hope everyone is getting their flu shots done. The H1N1 shot should be coming out soon, so please protect yourself and family.
Thanks as always to Wednesday for her smart advice. I'd like to add one thing to #4: Empathy. It's easier to open your heart to your spouse and his or her children if you can ask yourself this question: "What is living in our stepfamily like for him or her?" Share with each other what your experience is and it will help you soften your anger or sense of betrayal or hurt into compassion and a willingness to keep working at strengthening your family.
I'm in this situation right now, as it happens.
I think I do most or not all of these four steps (along with my fiancee) but there should still be a step #5 -- all of that may go out the window if the kids are intransigent or the stepdad is just honest-to-goodness not very good with kids. (Why I never had any of my own.)
I empathize with the wishes of my partner's boys for their dad, and not me, to be the "Mike Brady" to them (or at least closer to them emotionally or even physically -- impossible, alas, since he lives in Japan). I went through my parents' divorce myself and I had similar feelings. But my empathy doesn't change their resentment of me one bit.
I guess I'm making progress with the middle schooler using these steps, at least, but the high schooler ... he had anger issues about his folks' divorce WAY before my fiancee and I met, according to her, so he may be a lost cause.
Regular Beyond Blue readers know that today, I actually have a far worse relationship as an adult with my stepfather than with my absentee father. Needless to say, I hope history does not repeat itself.
One thing not mentioned here is the role of the other biologic parents. My husband (soon to be ex) and I have seven kids from our first marriages between us. The kids lived part of the time with their other biologic parent (and their new spouses) and that made for mass confusion. The kids each had to deal with 4 "parents" (2 stepparents and two biologic parents) as well as with their step-siblings and biologic siblings. Their loyalty was torn and they all have big wounds that won't heal.
The ones really hurt here are the kids. Don't divorce the mother/father of your kids. And if you have to, don't remarry until your kids are grown. Sacrifice some of your selfish needs for your kids. It is worth it. If not, your kids will be scarred forever. It's a truth you don't want to hear, but just ask your kids what they prefer.
Unfortunately, this article doesn't do Wednesday Martin's book, "Stepmonster" justice. This is more like a sound bite..."news at eleven..."
I am a stepdaughter, a stepmother of four and mother of two.
Lynn, I have to respectfully disagree with you. My guess is that your kids and stepkids suffered loyalty binds (which Wednesday discusses at length in her book and on her blog) and those loyalty binds are caused by the parents - most often the biological mother. The wounds can and do heal. But all the parents need to have a bit of emotional intelligence to navigate remarried family life.
It's not easy, nothing in life worth having is easy, but when you know it's right, it's worth fighting for.
Wednesday Martin's research for her book is impeccable. Sociologists, biologists, mental health experts, marriage experts (including John Gottman!) etc. I strongly encourage anyone who reads this sound bit to read Martin's book. You just might re-grow your remarried family.
6
Beware the flu shot - especially the H1N1 and the mist, most of all. This shot is full of danger from thimerosol, squalene, formaldehyde, bird flu. DO NOT give this to your children because of added dangers of Guillame-Barre. DO NOT give this to your children because there have been many deaths associated with it and the normal flu vaccines.
It is RNA and DNA LIVE virus. It is engineered to make you chronically ill. There are millions of entries of information on Google. Read the drug inserts that are available online at the fda.gov site.
If you are pregnant - DO NOT TAKE THIS SHOT.
The nasal spray mist is active for at least 21 days and this is the way you spread this H1N1. That is why it is spreading. It wasn't a pandemic. It is a government hoax. Another lie.
I agree Peggy. It can often be more damaging for children to be brought up in an environment where there is a lot of unhappiness and fighting. Our stepkids are totally happy with our set up and we have a great relationship.
As long as the adults get it right, the kids can thrive in a stepfamily environment.
Especially with the likes of Wednesday and her excellent advice! I would thoroughly recommend her book to anyone in a stepfamily situation.
Regards
LBM xxxx
www.labellemereuk.blogspot.com
Like Peggy, I am both a Stepmom and a Stepdaughter. My Mother and Father's divorce was one of the best things that happened to me because it brought my stepfather into my life.
I actually consider my mom and Stepdad my parents; my dad, whom I don't talk to very often, is my Father or the 'sperm donor.'
As a Stepmom, I've taken the high road many times in order to form a peaceful coexistence with my stepkids' mom. She would tell you that my presence in the kids' life, in her life and in my husband's life was worth the trauma of the divorce.
Stepfamilies are what you make of them. If you have catty family members who aren't willing to get past the anger, then you'll probably have a family that doesn't get along peacefully as well.
Thanks to Wednesday Martin for reminding us to take care of our marriages. I really believe that we can only sustain a healthy and happy home for as long as we are solid with each other.
It's not always easy to pull off, but my husband and I have made date night a priority since the day we got married and his teenage sons moved in with us full-time. In fact, our weekly night out inspired one of my favorite stepmom rules: Every woman needs impromptu moments alone with the man she fell in love with.
Why? We need those magical, intimate moments to remember why we signed up for what is often, a very difficult gig.
I was a step mom to a grown daughter, and a younger son. The son lived with us and I told him up front- I am not your mother, nor am I here to replace your mother- I am, however, the woman in this home, and I expect you to respect me and my decisions- just as I will respect you. I loved him and supported him in life- just as if he were my own, and my step daughter as well- 5 years after my divorce from their dad- both kids still contact and stay in touch with me. I lvoe them both dearly
Help
with the bird flu in the new I for the first time am think of getting a flu shot. should I.
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