Good article. I think it is very important to speak it al out, that is also a way to really see yourself. If you hide something from your therapist it is also likely that you are hiding it for yourself.

Well … maybe you’re therapist doesn’t judge, but I have had one or two that did … and not in a kind or helpful way … more of a giving advice “you will ruin your life because you love him” kind of way … and another one “you still love him!?” with a sneer … when I was honest about the lies someone was telling me, I wasn’t believed, I was told I was paranoid … and over a year later when that person finally admitted to lying, they did so to the therapist in a separate session and you would of thought the therapist’s marriage was the point of betrayal. So therpaist’s do get sucked into some of the “nice guy” personas people put out there afraid of being judged, only to the dismay and judgment of the person that is trying to deal with a people pleaser that doesn’t see omissions as unkind at all, but merely neutral and just fine to do to people. How do you continue with a therapist that sneers at you in digust when you do can’t help but tear up about something? Well I didn’t.

Auto mechanics use similar tools as others, but some use different methods to do things, some still use a hammer when a wrench is indicated, some heat things up so they come apart more easily and some are less patient and use an impact driver and risk damage, some discern when to use what better than others, some are honest, some aren’t, all have good and bad days, some are more proficient and dedicated, some wish they could be anywhere else but at work, some like people, some don’t like people, some like you but not your neighbor, some like your neighbor better, some don’t like anyone….
Therapists are just human, and you could substitute that moniker for “auto mechanics”. You have to give it a little time, shop around, find the right fit for you, your time of life, what you are going through. One that was great for you last year may not be right this year; he or she changed, or you and your circumstances changed.
If you are having trouble with comfort and trust and it isn’t getting better and you have addressed this with your therapist to no avail, maybe move on?

Auto mechanics use similar tools as others, but some use different methods to do things, some still use a hammer when a wrench is indicated, some heat things up so they come apart more easily and some are less patient and use an impact driver and risk damage, some discern when to use what better than others, some are honest, some aren’t, all have good and bad days, some are more proficient and dedicated, some wish they could be anywhere else but at work, some like people, some don’t like people, some like you but not your neighbor, some like your neighbor better, some don’t like anyone….
Therapists are just human, and you could substitute that moniker for “auto mechanics”. You have to give it a little time, shop around, find the right fit for you, your time of life, what you are going through. One that was great for you last year may not be right this year; he or she changed, or you and your circumstances changed.
If you are having trouble with comfort and trust and it isn’t getting better and you have addressed this with your therapist to no avail, maybe move on?

It is hard. It took me 59 years and loosing virtually everything to drop the final barriers to telling everything. And to accept the truth that its not my fault in the core of my being. When I was growing up, I was punished for showing weakness or “Unapproved” responses, so i hid them so deeply, That there were layers of hiding build on layers. I hope that I am really finished with holding back and hiding information from myself and those who need to hear it.

ATT.: Editor/Writer
Thank you for this good article, however, the fluidity of my reading was tripped by the distracting mistakes in these sentences:
2nd paragraph after “WHY” -
“However, when I perch myself across from my therapist, I feel more accountable for my moods … that I if I am unable to implement cognitive-behavioral adjustments, and thereby some find relief, that I am somehow to blame”
Paragraph 3rd from last:
…“One of the reasons many people seek out psychotherapy in the first place is to help combat irrational thoughts and fears, so in that context, it makes sense many of share this fear of being judged or embarrassed.”

What you have said is absolutely right. However, many of us try to manage with only a Psychiatrist, since Therapy is so expensive. And, if you are a woman, your Psychiatrist is male, and you need to ‘vent,’ about a male, heaven help you.
I find the best solution is a combination Psychiatrist/ therapist of the same sex as you, and the support of a well-informed family Doctor works beautifully. But hey! You can’t always get what you want or even need eh?

I realize after reading this article that I have done this. You?
luB
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hello fellow people pleasers. I was once a people pleaser and through my own mistakes and life experience I learned it is not because I want to be liked, it is because I didn’t like myself enough to recognize what I call now: “What can I do for you friends’ I learned you need to please yourself, learn to love yourself, and you won’t have the need to have people like you for your honesty and the ability to say no. You may lose a lot of people in your life, but those are the people who really don’t care about you. You need to be honest with your therapist so you can grow within yourself and he/she can help you get there. I by the way am a Mental Health Clinician.

This really set me to thinking. We clearly cling to barriers because it is how we learned to protect ourselves at a really primitive level. You don’t just announce to your amygdala that it’s time to change!
We are social animals, we needed acceptance and support as children, and frankly, we need it now. Like Iric, I learned early to fear exposing my needs because of the unpredictable consequences – generally not positive. Also, in any other public areas of our lives it might be a counter-productive thing to do.
People pleasers often were those hyper-vigilant kids who learned to attend to every fleeting change in the faces of parents or others that might signify anger or disapproval. So we are like human MRIs scanning our therapists for the momentary flash of irritation, impatience boredom, disapproval – anything to confirm our underlying fears.
In therapy, we have the opportunity to learn that you can be yourself safely – and the therapist creates the space where we can try this out and practice different behaviors. But therapists are human – while they are trained and determined to be neutral and accepting – they do have faces which do show emotions, and we (over)respond to their responses. So we (most of us) aren’t intentionally lying, we are often deep in the struggle to present ourselves openly – and learning that we can thrive despite life’s “slings and arrows.” Reshaping how you perceive the world is a tough slough – it’s easy to endorse a better way to be, but awfully hard to do consistently.