Oh I think this is so wise, and so true. But I have a question for folks out there. What happens when you get bad feedback for speaking truthfully? I recently had such an experience: my friend was telling me yet another story about someone in her life who is very abusive to her. I was getting more and more agitated, and finally felt I just had to speak what I was feeling. I told her I really have a hard time hearing someone I love tell me about being mistreated, and that her tale constellated several issues for me in an explosive way. Namely, men beating up (emotional abuse) on women, college-age son beating up on his mother for being bi-polar (stigmatizing mental illness and lack of empathy), and lastly, person taking the beating (out of guilt) without standing up for herself, because she’s so desperate for any relationship at all, even if it means taking abuse (co-dependency).
When I tried to say that to my friend, it upset her that I felt that way, and she told me she didn’t want me to tell her how I felt.
Which made me feel extremely frustrated and censored.
What do you think about this?

A person who censors how you feel is discounting your feeling which is about the worst way a person can be emotionally abused. I suggest you accept that although there may have been a time in your life this friend served some purpose in your life, you would do well by moving on and replacing her with a new BFF.

Deborah: what you did was an act of love. You took the risk of losing the safety of the known in order to stay present in the friendship and expose your true feelings and thoughts. Even though people often react the way your friend did at first, in my experience people come to appreciate and depend on that honesty. Good relationships get stronger and way more fulfilling, and bad ones just slough off by themselves. You have helped me this morning by choosing to live truthfully. You have reminded me that I feel better and contribute to my world when I do that too. Thanks for your comment, stay strong, and thank you Beyond Blue.

Dear Deborah- It takes a lot of practice to be able to tell a hurting person how we feel, especially when we are feeling more and more agitated. My experience has been that I before I give my input I will ask my friend, “Do you want me to listen or do you want my advice/hear my feelings?” If she says she is just venting, then the best thing I can do for her is to listen and be supportive of who she truly is, underneath the co-dependency, mental illness and victim roles she is currently playing. I have to remember that my agitation and frustration are my issues and find other ways for me to deal with that. And maybe find other friends who can handle a two-sided discussion.
That said, I think you are a good friend to continue to stand by your hurting friend and I would offer that you could continue to be watchful for opportunites to express your concern while accepting that she can only hear what she is ready to hear. And keep practicing-

It’s one thing to listen to someone pour their heart out to you once or twice. If it becomes a broken record, that’s something else – it seems that the person cannot or will not do something the problem at hand. I would help to the extent of helping her to find some services for abused women, even a safe shelter. If she’s afraid to follow up, go with her until she’s signed up for whatever services she needs.
After that, it’s time to let the professionals do their jobs. That doesn’t mean you ditch your friend outright, which I think would be rather cruel. You can still be there as a friend and for support, to the extent that she doesn’t suck the life out of you – but if that DOES happen, and she’s not following up with professionals or even making an effort, then you need to bail. Unless she’s serious about getting some real help, she’ll just move on to the next shoulder to cry on.

I think you said what you feel and she did the same – sounds like she put you down though because she is saying what she says counts and what you say doesnt – I would be upset if a friend said that to me – but maybe she feels that if you censure what she says (thats maybe how she feels) then she cant speak freely to you
Maybe you told her a truth – that we are all responsible for now allowing ourselves to be abused – that she is not ready to hear – she may feel like the “victim”
I wonder if you were so upset by what she was saying = ie it pushed your buttons – that you were unable to support and listen to her? maybe she needed a bit of empathy and acceptance first – for you to hear her story rather than giving yours? Had you listened first – which it sounds like you didnt because you were getting more and more worked up – and given her your time for HER there would have been no problem
I have a friend who does this – I tell her how I feel and if it is negative she puts the phone down saying what I say upsets her and doesnt want to hear, I feel rejected and angry when she does this because she is overcome by her own emotions and I wish I hadnt bothered to share with her – she has had alot of issues in relationships and I guess it presses buttons. She expects to be heard when she has issues!
Maybe if your friend is offloading then that is different – if she refuses to see her part in things it is hard
Being true to yourself is saying your truth regardless of others – but we do love approval and need acceptance – I would talk to your friend and ask if she felt you listened and supported her – explain that it presses your buttons and made it hard for you to hear her – you can say that because you care about her you want her to take care of herself – to be assertive and true and not allow herself to be abused – that you will try and help support her to do that
Best of luck!
Judi

I am a people-pleaser myself and have also chosen to make a change and be true to myself. I understand where Deborah is coming from and why the outcome was very hurtful. She doesn’t want to lose her friend yet she has chosen to speak out of love that was rejected. The risk we take when choosing truth over feelings. I plan to start the journal process as I hope it will expose the unconscious choices that are made for others and help to redirect my thought process. Thank you for the advice.

One thing – it caught my attention immediately that front-and-back photos of the 12-Step recovery coins were featured in this article. That’s because I have a whole bowlful of them, leading up to what will be my 11th year sober (a day at a time) on January 30th.
AA is not about people-pleasing by any means. But it IS our responsibility to help other suffering alcoholics, in order to keep sober, ourselves. That’s why they call it a “we” program, not a “me” program. I absolutely agree that you need to be true to yourself – if you don’t do it, who will? But this world runs on people being available to one another. Making it “all about me” would be a most unfortunate interpretation of “To Thine Own Self be True.”

I need to take a lesson from this message. I’m am to much of a people pleaser and Ii do let everyone step all over me and really emotionally abuse me too much. I don’t know how I’m going to start though. My life is in such a screwed up mess right now as it is. They say that physical abuse is extremely bad for a person but that the bruises and broken bones heal and that emotional abuse is so much harder on a person because one can never recover really from being emotionally abused. You can’t hide the bruises and make something up for a broken bone when the abuse is physical. The scars are still there, no make up can hide the foul names, and the put downs of emotional abuse. You would think that after I have heard these exact same words that I would learn but I haven’t. I just keep letting my friends and family use and abuse me still. I’m having a hard time to talk about anything with anyone right now. Except to write in my journal here on beliefnet that is my only release right now. I have been trying to say things to the people in my life that am always trying to please in one way or another and they just don’t care and they don’t listen to me when I tell them they are really hurting me. I guess they think I will always be around to take it but they know that I am dying and that I won’t be around to always take it. I guess they want to take everything out on me before GOD really does take me. This is not a normal way to live at all. You would think that they would care about me because of my dying and want to take care of me and help me through all of this but they don’t. My therapist tells me I have to grow a set of balls and tell them how I feel and I have been doing that but it is not working. Guess I will try to grow a bigger set of them maybe GOD will listen to my prayers and give me a sign on how to do this but he really hasn’t been answering any of my prayers right now he is to busy taking the real people in my life that don’t abuse me back home with him instead of taking me. Thank you for this message it has actually helped me today just to put all these words down. I don’t even know where they really came from but I’m glad that came out.

I wonderful article I needed to read. Just what I needed to know. That I am harming myself by staying silent. I am a very opinionated person, and yet I too am fall into this category of people-pleaser. I will do nearly anything to avoid conflict. While I can sit and debate ideas or opinions on any matter and stand up for my view, as soon as conflict is involved I will concede points to avoid it. Too often I sit quietly on my own opinion; not because I don’t think I am smart enough, but because it is difficult for me to believe in myself. But what do you do when your inner voice wants two different outcomes? When you are faced with wanting both contradicting ends.

Jennifer: Hang in there and know that God hears and answers prayers. They may not come in the form we envision so keep praying and waiting. God has a specific assignment for you and you can’t turn in your homework early. Focus on your peace and holding on to what you have of it with all your strength. Those real people in your life that God has called are pulling for you in spirit, use the strength. I am praying for you also!

I really like your posts and find them useful and uplifting…
I’m an Italian teacher living in the south of Italy and often think that your articles would be of great help to many of my friends, who, unfortunately, don’t speak English.
I wondered if you were interested in having your articles translated to Italian: that would be an incredible source of help for many people!
Ciao ciao

This is the best way to live, this is a concise draft on some material I was reading just last month great advice and so true the steps to a better you is listening to our inner voice

Jennifer: Support is available. Please consider stopping by Group Beyond Blue, a support group for people who have depression or bipolar. Sometimes just being heard–really heard– by others is what is needed to start listening to yourself.
With love and light,
Melzoom

Dr. Cosby comes from a really good gene pool. Bill’s father was asked if the glass was half empty or half full. The answer: that depends on whether you are drinking or pouring.

I enjoyed your writing and I can relate to your people pleasing skills (smile). I am somewhat of a people pleaser but there are times I stand up and voice my opinions regardless. I am a true believer in GOD and Jesus Christ and I voice my opinions around my bible readings. I guess you can say doing and saying the right things that I read from the bible. I live my life trying to follow GOD’S laws to the tee. I find myself very happy when I do the right thing and share my life experiences from GOD. So for me, people pleasing is at a minimal but I need to work on the small limits of people I do try to please. Mostly my love ones and my daughters. But I do please my GOD and His Son each and every day, I love pleasing Them…..

I live my life in just the way you describe, other than a few blips here and there. I too discovered the incredible condfidence and inner strength building successes that come from living true to yourself and following your inner voice even if it means putting yourself out there and not pleasing everyone. The ultimate goal must be to take care of yourself and of course any dependent children that you are responsible for. That is where it is at and the pleasure you derive propels you to continue on the same path. Others actually get turned on by your strong and positive energy. It is a bit contagious and you become a bit of a magnet, which is not a bad thing. Go for it and get it!It is a win win.
Shelley

Therese,
I have an AA coin that an old timer in AA passed onto me, it is dear to me because it was his 33 yr chip! Anyway like you I am a 12 stepper, when I introduce myself at mtgs I say “My name is Mary Anne and I am addicted to damn most everything” ha. Having the yrs in Adult Children of Alcoholics and Al- Anon I have to give you a WELLDONE and pat on the back for listening to that still small voice. For being true to YOURSELF! I am proud of u and even more proud to call u a friend. love ya, girl!

good luck therese! and never give up in this one : ) i’m right there with you as a trying-to-recover people pleaser : ) isn’t it empowering when you do listen to your heart? i have started being a little more assertive with my kids and am trying to stop doubting my parenting skills and follow my own ideas…much better!

I HAVE MY OWN SHARE OF EXPERIENCE FOR BEING A PEOPLE PLEASER TOO.I HAVE LEARNED MY LESSON AND DECIDED TO SHOW THE REAL PERSON IN ME SO THAT THERE’S NOTHING TO REGRET,THERE’S NOTHING TO COMPROMISE AND THERE’S NOTHING TO GET BROKEN AS A RESULT OF BEING TRUE TO MYSELF,FOR AS LONG AS I AM SURE I AM DOING THINGS RIGHT,I GUESS AND I BELIEVE,THERE WILL BE NO MORE FUTURE FEELINGS OF FRUSTRATIONS AND BETRAYALS.THANK YOU.

I am new to Beyond Blue and have only read the first 2 pages (which sounded like I could have written it; scary!) I have never reached out online before, but feel God led me to the book and website. My big prayer for the new year was to find a book I could really relate to, be strong enough to reach out to someone (I am a private person and have social anxiety too), and to learn how to NOT be a people-pleaser! I think I have been one from birth and the older I get (45) the more I wish I wasn’t. When I read the post above about finding your own truth, I realized I don’t have one; that is definitely missing in my life. It is a scary thing to realize. I am going to buy the Listen book and read it after Beyond Blue. Thank you for your book and website. They are both helping me to hang on and hang in there. Blessings to you.

Today I had an epiphany and Beyond Blue’s posting is quite timely. I avoid conflict or fail to let someone know I am disappointed, upset, unhappy, etc., by their behaviors. Mostly because I feel the offending incident is petty and not weighty enough to make waves. After thinking about it some more I discovered doing this allows these little petty things to build up inside me and then I walking around angry, upset, sad, resentful, etc. from the weight of all these ‘petty’ offenses. I decided from now on it is time for me to let that behavior go.

Great job Therese, I too think that I am a people pleaser but I’m trying to change that! (I am that way with my dad especially) 26 years old and every time I’m around him or even speak to him I feel like a powerless little child sometimes.

I don’t know. I’m tempted to jump into this “just say no”, “I’m more important” band wagon. As a chronic pleaser, I find that showing compassion, cooperation, peace-keeping, kindness, patience, empathy is not all that bad. When the alternative is shutting people out, ignoring their pain and needs, walking on their feelings and not listening, I think I will take the sacrifice of pleasing people. They need it. Service is our ultimate obligation as human beings.
And do you know that Bill Cosby is arrogant and self-centered? Why should we quote him?

AM HAPPY KNOWN FROM BELIEFNET.COM HOW TO BE TALKING TO MY SELF

I would like to respond to Deborah, since I have recently learned something about a similar topic. Yes, you want to be truthful, but the response you got may be because you came from a place of being agitated. You had insight and knowledge to share with your friends, but imagine the results a math teacher would get if they shared their knowledge with students while exhibiting frustration that the students did not have the same knowledge. You must be true to yourself, not insist others understand your truth. If you wish to take on the mantle of influencing them, then it must be done with kindness and respect for where they are at. Choosing to teach requires discipline about avoiding transferring your own emotions into the situation. For my part, I have found how deeply I can hurt someone when I am too blunt about telling them what I know to be the “truth”. It is a very different thing to be true to oneself than it is to be insistant someone also knows your truth. I am trying to not instruct when I can feel my own emotions stirring. I try to hold it to myself until I can deliver it with a steady hand. And really, this topic of having people react badly to me saying “the truth” is very different than the topic of being true to myself. Being true to yourself about the abuse you see would simply be no longer buying into men who are abusive, not being evangenical about it to others; that’s a differnt topic. And as a final note, be careful about pushing against things you don’t like. Specifically in the case you described, if you concentrate on the topic of abusive men, you will start to think they all are, and only such men would be able to come into you reality. As you can see from the bluntness of this post, I am still working on this, but I hope this was respectful because your post was wise and heartfelt.

I totally agree with Eric…i have been on the short end of the behaviors of people who claim that what they do is “asserting” themselves and being strong and independent when in fact it is just selfish behavior that likely masks their own insecurities…

After reading this article, I felt a great sense of empowerment and revelation. It came at the perfect moment in my life. I thank you so much for writing it.

I am struggling with codependency that arose from alcoholic parents–and am trying to finally recover. One of the symptoms is putting a pleasant face on and acting like everything is fine, but underneath is a mess. I am working on finding out what my true self believes in and who that person is. Last time I was true to myself I was a child.

After reading everyone’s post, I feel that there is some truth to everyone’s opinions; however, sometimes there is no way to really know how someone will react to our honesty. For example, in the past I have held my tongue so as not to “hurt” someone’s feelings, and it later came back to bite me. The response was, “Why didn’t you tell me that you felt this way?? Had I known, I would never have done this, etc.” And other times I have told the truth, and it was met with disapproval. I believe it is usually best to be honest with others whenever we can come from a place of love and compassion. However, if we have just been insulted or assaulted, I believe we should speak up immediately — otherwise, the offensive behavior may continue and adversely affect the relationship. If someone reacts negatively to your honesty, then you must simply accept that…that is where they are on their life’s journey. If you don’t agree with their behavior, then you can just agree to disagree and continue the relationship, or you can part ways. We are both teachers and students to each other. Life is about experimenting, learning and growing forward.

Thank You Therese, I am a people pleaser my whole life as well and I vowed that 2010 was going to be a whole new year for me. One is putting me first for once and making choices that I don’t won’t to do but will have to do. It will hurt some including my family but in the long run it will be better than the the life we have now. I can’t go on this way any longer the hurt, anger, resentment, sadness, and many other emotions are consuming me to the point were I don’t even want to live anymore. I am so tired of being tired and trying to please everyone and half the time I am not..so I am told so often. I need to be me and like that me instead of not liking that person that I know is in there that is good instead of the person that is being told verbally and emotionally all the time who they are by the ones that so called loves them. For the others who tell me all the time and reassure me who the real person I am are the ones who I am truly blessed from.
Thank you and God Bless
Leeann D

You guys are so wise! i have benefitted greatly with your articles thank you so much,God bless!!!!

Great article! I haven’t visited this site before, but I am geniunely impressed by the quality of and the thought put into the comments.
It’s interested that you bring up cortisol in relation to this topic. I know of product called Isocort that affects cortisol.
Great info!