I AGREE

I have been dealing with this infidelity “thing” for so long, about 8 years, I KNOW he loves me and would not cheat again but I cannot trust!! Does life get easier, I try to not think about it, and we do have a GREAT connection, I really am blessed, BUT when the rubber hits the road and in my mind I think about how much I LOVE him!! I have to think about how he turned his back on our covenant and I feel like I am worthless and that gloomy adultery cloud glooms over my head. It is like the perfect picture of a house with the white picket fence, and a dog takes a dump on the front lawn!! I hate myself for even saying that but it is how I feel when I am faced with this subject now that I have remained married to a man that did that to our family. AM I the monster for feeling this way? Does the pain ever go away totally? I almost died by becoming depressed and did not eat ANYTHING for over a month!! I do not want to get to that point again, but I still do have the pain!!

I just found out last week my husband has been cheating on me. I know it will be a long time before I even think about forgviness. I don’t think I could stay married to someone who has completly crushed my spirit. We are divoring and I told the other woman he was still married, so now he doesn’t have her any more either. I know this pain is deep and the hardest part is having to go home to a house where there are so many memories. I wonder if sometimes he hurts too, or if he just moved on like I never meant anything to him.

I can totally relate to your feelings. NO YOU ARE NOT A MONSTER BY FEELING THIS WAY. I TOO AM IN THIS SAME BOAT. It has only been one year for me.
Last February 11th of 2007 I found out about my husband of 28 years and his affairs. Yes, I said affairs. Three that he has admitted too! The first, just 4 years into our marriage. The other in the 7th year. And then this last one he says only lasted 3 weeks, but I know he was friends with her for a lot longer. The thing is I knew of all the women. He had told me about them in a round about way. But left out the other details. The first was while on a TDY with the Army, (He was in the Army for 23years). Only gone from home 3 weeks. Would call me each night and tell me he was out with the other guys in his company and would go to a bar, He didn’t drink that much I know, He was to high of rank to get drunk. But he liked to dance. I have a hearing problem and don’t here the music so I am a terrible dancer. So I didn’t mind that he danced. I trusted him completely. That was the first.
The second was in 1988 while on a one-year tour in Korea without the family. I honestly believe he went over there with the intention of having an affair. This one he told me lasted 3 months. He met her while learning to square dance. He also like to do photography (which I fully supported) so he took pictures of her and sent them home to me showing off his square dance lessons. Of course I believed his stories of she’s just my dance partner. Then military retirement hit and he started another career in law enforcement. Started working with the prison system. I always listened to his stories of work and his frustrations at work he would tell me about his friend the nurse. He even told me he thought her as pretty and (hot)! The red flag should have gone up there but I TRUSTED! He even introduced me to her at her house so we could exchange some plants. (Needless to say I tore the plants up by their roots and threw them as far as I could when I first found out about this.) I have learned that you should never fully TRUST your spouse ever! Ask questions!
It has been a struggle, and depression hits hard sometimes. Allot had to change for me and for him. We went to marriage counseling. All of his photos of any and every person he took pictures of had to be destroyed; He was also into Porn and all of that had to go. He had to come clean about everything. By finding the right church for us and my belief in God and our marriage we have survived this first year. We both got babtized. On our 28th anniversary we renewed our vows at our church, with him confessing to every one in attendance his unfaithfulness and his remorse and love for me and his desire to continue our marriage. I believe he is remorseful everyday. I do know that it was not my fault! The consoler had to drill that into me and I still have to tell myself that (I) am not the reason for his failures. I still get depressed and fall into that deep hole but it is also easier to pull myself out. When I get to felling this way I make myself get up and out of the house. I go the park and walk or call a friend and just talk! But I have found that I need to FORGIVE everyday! I am not sure the pain is going to go away, it will get better at not hurting so much but the pain of the whole thing and the remberance will never leave me this I know. I just have to get out and shake it off as they say so I don’t fall into that deep hole. I have been told you don’t get over the pain you get through it! We even moved to the other side of the state and he transferd to another prision. This too was one of my many conditions of staying married to him. I have a hope for any and everyone of us weather male or female that has had to go thru this will someday be able to get through the pain.

I found out in December than my husband of 7 years was having a very inappropriate email and phone relationship with an out-of-town co-worker. Apparently they never met, but I found the string of emails and almost vomited. He told me it meant NOTHING and has been fighting to win me back. I know he is sorry, but this trust has been violated beyond control. I have so much anger and hurt that I don’t know what to do. I am physically and emotionally “not right”. I’m having outbursts, anxiety, depression, dizziness, loss of appetite, a feeling of deadness, like my insides are numb. I’m staying strong for the kids and on the path to forgiveness – but I’m suffering all the same.

I have been trying to get on this Blog for some time- Seems I may not get much response as I am one trying to be free from an emotional affair that was only into its third month . I did not know what was happening to me or how to explain or justify to myself why I was feeling so stringly for a woman other than my wife ( of 33 yrs) . I knew it was seated in my emotions , so did Google searches by the dozens till I hit upon “Emotional Affairs ” . And the 10 sings of an emotional affair of which I had experieneced 8 of the signs . Looking as the relation unfolded with my “friend” was like watching myself in a movie. I could not believe that things she said and did , and myself as well was playing out just like what I read in the 10 signs . I had no more excuses to continue when I knew the truth . But stopping the relation has been utter pain . I still think about my “friend” daily , many many times . I cannot tell my wife this. I told her about my affair about 1 month before I stopped seeing my “friend” . It was horrible . I cuased her more anguish than I can grasp . An emotional affair is insidious and the denial and justification are like … impossible to explain or reason out . I definitely need help , even if it is from those on the truly damaged side of the affair. Though the infidel” me” has damaged myself in the process. Any thought shared would be recieved in gratitude , I need folk to talk to about this , its driving me nuts .
Bill

Bill, I am on the other side of your fence. I was in the middle of a divorce and someone came into my office that was going thru so much ugly in his own marriage. We started texting and talking every day. His wife, he found out, was “cheating” on him. Calls, texting as well to her “friend”. We did this for about 3 months, some of the txt very, very racy. I am not proud of this but when you were going thru what I was it was a welcome to even be acknowledged. This, I know, does not justify this. He started going to counseling to help save the marriage so the txt messaging and phone calls began to simmer down. I went thru “withdrawals”. I know that I had no hold on him but this hurt worse than my divorce. I never thought that I would end up doing something like this. That was my problem with my marriage. Wondering husband. I understand the pain, the depression, the anxiety of waiting for that text, that call. Just know that you are not alone. We never were intimate physically but the pain is still there. I have asked God to help me thru this pain. I am like you too, I wonder if he thinks about me every day too. Wow, I guess I feel better getting that off my chest. Sharon

In April of 2008 I found out my husband was cheating on me we where going on our 10th wedding anv. I fould a text from a co-worker and we argued about it he said they where just friends I knew better that night I started thinking, I knew the co-worker and strated relizing things at his place of work where different when I would go she nolonger talked or looked at me. The next day I wouldn’t let it go and when he admitted to it. I felt like I was hit with a car and could not breath. My world feel apart this feeling I have never felt before was there the emptyness, dumb, dizzy, I couldn’t beleave it when I looked at him it was like I didn’t know the person I was looking at. We have 4 kids I couldn’t beleave he would do somethin like this. and he took full resposablity, didn’t blam anything on me and said I’m sorry as well. I decided to stay and try to work things out It’s been a year and everyday he tries to show his love support he tells me every where he goes. We moved from where we lived. But its still hard theres days that I just want to give up. The hurt pain it’s still there. But we had so many great years. I know what caused the affair. It was loss of comunication in both of us cause I was going to leave him that may after the kids where out of school he didn’t know If things didn’t change with him . Than I found out about his affair and I did’t leave I had all reasone to but I didn’t. I want our marrage to be strong and I want us to be happy. I don’t know How. Help if anyone knows how. They say marrage can work after an affair it just take time. How long? I don’t trust him and don’t know if I can ever trust him?

I just found this group when I did a Google search for “emotional affairs support groups”. Last January I came home from a family vacation (my husband and I have been married 22 years/3 kids) and based on my husband’s odd, erratic behavior during the vacation including an unusual obsession with the computer, I discovered 213 emails between him and a woman he had known as a teenager/college student. In these e-mails my husband opened up emotionally in a way that he NEVER had with me in all our years of marriage. He also depicted me in an incredibly unfavorable manner to his friend; I could hardly believe a) that it was he writing with such emotional depth and b) that it was me he was describing to her, and not some horrible Disney villainess.
When I confronted my husband, he at first expressed that he didn’t really understand what he had done wrong, then surmised that I must not really love him anyway since I was more mad than sad. He had plans to meet her in another town on Valentines Day weekend and waffled over the subsequent days as to whether he would or wouldn’t go anyway. Several days after the discovery I did get what seemed like avery heartfelt apology and he agreed to begin marriage counseling. It is a constant struggle-one step forward, two steps back. After our second session I uncovered e-mails to her describing our counseling sessions! It was a huge struggle to get him to stop contact with her, and I am sure he still thinks of her constantly. I don’t know how to move forward with this. Our counselor has suggested that my husband needs individual counseling but my husband refuses. I am coming to the conclusion that it is necessarry for the survival of ur marriage, but I don’t know how to present that as it sounds like an ultimatum. Anyone out there have a similar experience? I am currently pessimistic about the survival of our marriage; I would like to hear from anyone who has been able to move on together; some words of encouragement would help. Thanks!

I have had three emotional affairs. The first one lasted almost a year. I met a guy in an internet chat room, we connected and started chatting. We flirted heavily and had cyber sex one time. I fell in love with him because I was in a bad marriage. He ended the affair but we occasionally still speak. The second affair only lasted a couple of months but this guy told me he loved me. He wanted to meet but we never did. He also ended the affair because he had multiple online partners. The third affair just ended. It only lasted two months but was very graphic in nature. I also had phone sex with this guy once. I fell in love again and this is very painful and I need help to get over this. He ended the affair because he said he felt guilty and like I wanted all of his attention. He still chats with multiple women. I am so heart broken.

Bill,
I have been the victim of an Emotional Affair. Trust me you are not in love with her you are just infatuated with the “school boy” excitement gained from having an intimate relationship with someone who has nothing at stake. She can listen and agree and hang on your every word because she doesn’t have to wash”your dirty underwear” The other thing you need to get straight is she is not and never was a friend. Friends don’t do this to other friends. If she had been a decent person she would have walked away. None of this means you are blameless. Trust me you are so far in the whole when it comes to your marriage if you start digging now you might see daylight in 50 years. Get the book “NOT JUST FRIENDS” and read it. First make an appt and go see a GOOD counselor. You can tell if he/she is good by how they respond to your confession. If they try to console you or let you place blame anywhere else find another one. Tell your wife everything. My Counselor told my husband it was his responsibility to answr any and all questions I had no matter how painful. He did not and it dragged my pain out for an additional 2 years.
If you “can’t” stop obsessing over her then have the decency to move out until you get some help. For the first time in a long time put her above all else except God!!!

Maggie , thank you for your reply , I haven’t checked this forum in a couple months . I see your post was very recent. I found out about the 10 signs of a E.A. on this site , while I was still in it . I saw the signs unfolding before my eyes as time progressed with my “friend ” . Maybe I was being played or manipulated by her , I do not know . My ego and pride wishes that was not the case . It has been 8 months since the seeing her ended ( an online “thing” is not in my relation makeup) . My ex friend worked in a restaurant as a waitress , I saw her 4 days a week , she would actually sit in the booth across from me and we would talk or look at each other . From the first “wrong” thing I said , I can see that I continued to give off signals that I was unhappy in my marriage ( she married as well) . I am sort of naive at signals from others , but I got go ahead signals from her . As things progressed I did tell my wife about my friend , but not everything . That was the “secrets” part. I knew I was in trouble from the start . But the attention from friend was so addicting. Thinking of my friend was filling my waking hours , a huge emotional detraction from my marriage . I drive by the restuarant every day , not of choice , but work related , and no other route to take . I have made myself accountable to co-workers that I will not go to that place . Also to my wife . I think I could use some counseling . In 35 yrs of marriage I never dreamed I could come so close to wanting to leave for another woman, in my fantasy anyway . I can also see a pattern of mental infidelity in my life , as well as a pattern of dependence on “another” female for self worth type stuff ( false ego building ?) Driving by the restuarant Friday ( yesterday ) saw “friend” out by her car. First time I physically saw her in 8 mo. – did not stop – but cried , same old feelings came back .. for awhile . Then got into work at hand and feelings passed . Not a day goes by that I don’t think of this and what I have done . Damage to my wife, and damage to myself inwardly . I am also vividly aware that my “old man” is getting more cunning by the day in my 54 yrs of life . I am more capable of doing wrongs today than at 20 yr of age . My wife and I are actively working on our marriage . Some days I still feel very lonely and depressed yet , even when with my wife – mind wanders back – it is insidiuos – this is part of the damage to me – good to vent this – thanks Maggie for the impetus – I wish more would post on this forum – I need all the support I can get and am willing to share to help others
Bill

Dear Bill,
It has been awhile since I have visited this site. One tends to try to avoid thinking about things that have been so painful and has taken away the one absolute I thought I had which was that while I would never have said my husband would never leave me I was positive that he would never have an Affair. Those words have come back to haunt me again and again.
I am alarmed after reading your last post. It is more than obvious that you are no where near being over your EA. I do not try to be purposefully hurtful but I also will not sugar coat anything. I tell it like it is.
My motto is: “IT IS WHAT IT IS” and what it is, is that you are still being unfaithful to your marriage. How can you allow yourself to think of the other woman daily and think that you are “working” on your marriage. You have continued to lie to yourself, your God and YOUR WIFE. Have you ever told your wife everything? By everything I mean all of it every last detail? If not then you are betraying her and you have no respect for her. Worse, YOU are protecting yourself as well as your “mistress”.
If you honestly want to stop a lifetime of infidelity and betrayal and work on your marriage I would be happy to help you. If not then there are so many others who need help that I will not waste time feeding into your self victimization and ongoing cheating.
How can you possibly think it is ok to think of this other woman every day even while sitting beside your wife. Trust me your wife might not know exactly what is wrong but she knows something is. You have given the one thing that no one other than your wife deserves. You are making your wife settle for “leftovers”? The fact that just seeing this other “woman” (I use that word very loosely because in fact she is a whore because she actively participated in an EA and a woman knows exactly the damage and pain that she has caused and I can assure you she enjoys the control she has over you) caused you to become so emotional you cried is an absolute proof that you have never ended the Affair and it is not just and EA because if you were not getting physical satisfaction from your relationship with her you would not still be with her. If you really want to stop cheating I would gladly help. You can email me directly at
maggiejohnson@atlanticbb.net.
God Be with you.

This past weekend my worst mightmares were realized. I found out that for the past five years my wife was involved in an emotional affair with another man. I found 100′s of emails and I am aware of 100′s of phone calls that took place between them. My wife adamantly denies that the two have ever met but it is difficult right now to trust that this is the truth and that the emotional affair did not go further. There are multiple emails taking about the “wanting” to meet but nothing confirming that they ever did meet. The other person is someone that she knew in college and she was attracted to both he and I when we first started dating (18 years ago). Ultimately, she chose me (but it seems obvious now that she was left with some “what if’s”).
My wife has taken responsibility for the affair, but I have a pain inside of me that will not go away. I am not a perfect husband and her rational is that she was in a very depressed state and unhappy at the time. She stated that that other person made you feel good about herself and gave her support. She said that he was also very unhappy and depressed and their communication helped both of them. I see my failures as a husband and best friend being the main drives that lead my wife to engage in the affair. Why could she not talk to me? What had I done to make her need another man for comfort and support? I have to find the answers to these questions.
The internal conflict I struggle with is that I am both guilty and a victim at the same time. I want to stay with my wife. Ironically, I realized how much I actually love my wife when my heart broke. I took a risk when I confronted her. I told her she had until today (Tuesday) to decide which relationship she wanted to end completely. Irnonically, today is my birthday (some present to ask for!) I gave her my wedding ring and told her if she wanted to be with me that she could give it to me for my birthday. This morning she gave me my ring back.
How long does it take the time to heal wounds and forgive? At the same time I want to immediately do things to correct the areas that I failed in.
Obviously, I am not sure where to start or which emotions I should try and deal with first. I really just want the pain inside of me to end.
I am not sure I am looking for help by posting this or just writing, but if anyone has any advice or past experiences I would be happy hear hear them.

About a month ago what I had suspected for months was true. The other women came to my door step and comfirmed everthing I already knew. My husband and her were having an emotional affair. She came to my door and said they had been looking for rings, she had met my children. They had matching tattoos. I’m still sad and can’t get past it. I have bad dreams about it and if it’s quite that’s all I think about. We have stayed together. But I am sad. How do I get past this? How do I ever really trust him again?

Hi- i was involved in an emotional affair for almost 3 yrs.it was abruptly ended when my husband found out. He forced my friend’s hand by threatening to tell his wife and he doesn’t have a job right now to make matters worse. I know we really loved each other but I don’t understand how or why he is avoiding me. I haven’t tried to contact him but when I go on facebook he logs off. How can someone go from loving you just a few weeks ago to avoiding you. It really hurts.

This is “anonymous”- please if anyone could give me some input I’d greatly appreciate it, on my above post.

Thought I would pass along a confession hotline. Voicemail only because sometimes just saying it makes a difference 1-(888)-850-3069

Nicole Sandefur(She is a German) of Sierra vista,AZ is a home wrecker. She seduced my husband who works with her husband.She prowl on married men. Don’t let this home wrecker come near your husband.She is married to Jerry Sandefur and she has 4 children from her ex.She is horrible.

My wife had an emotional affair online and it turned into the real thing. I couldn’t really stop my wife as she has a very strong personality and is very devious too. It hurt at the time but I have got over it and realised my wife was not the one for me.