“Fifty Ways to Love Your Leaver” is a good book about coping with divorce by Dwight Webb of the University of New Hampshire. (This isn’t spam! I’m not in touch with him and have no stake in his book, but he was a professor of mine in the counseling program there.)

Finding real love is so hard, and it’s frustrating, I’m a lonely man and miserable. I was married for 15yrs, and ended in a divorce, that I really did not want, because I still love her very much. I been divorce now for about 6yrs, and have not touch another female since, literally I have had small conversations but that it. I now feel insecure with a woman, because I’m afraid of being hurt, so I’m afraid to take the intiative to even speak with someone. My marriage was my first time experience with a woman, I was never a playboy before my marriage and definitely not now, all I want is just one to love for the rest of my live, or til death do us apart. That was my vow to her, and I never cheated on her, I would never want to hurt her like that.’

I am so unhappy, I lost my husband of 13 years, he started hanging out on the internet,telling me he was not happy said I was crazy told me if I went and got mental health help he would work on our relationship,well that did not happen,he asked me to leave and I did because I loved him and did not want him to be unhappy,here I am 8 months later and we are going to court on the 18th for the Divorce he says he found his true love and soulmate on line she is local and I think they are moving in together I am taking it one day at a time the crying spells are getting less, there is so much more and it helps at time to just scream and cry, I’ve gone to the extent of changing my appearance I’ve lost 40lbs and am starting to feel good about myself again and try not to dwell on him, when does the feelings of love go away??? He has hurt me so badly but still I love him and want the world for him even if it doesn’t include me…

Yes, all relationships have their ups and downs. But when couples don’t have the tools they need to work them through over time couples drift apart emotionally and spiritually. Marriages Are In Trouble Because Couples Haven’t Been Taught How To Make Them Work!

potential idea-
Therese-
I was hoping that at some point (maybe not this week since you already have a great plan!) that you could address sexual relationships within a marriage where one partner is depressed.
I know that my depression GREATLY affects our sexual life and it creates “one more thing” that my husband has to deal with since he has a depressive wife.
My problem is not necessarily a lack of sex drive (although that is a problem!!) It is more a lack of intimacy. When I am depressed, I (emotionally) move away from everyone. I could still have sex with my husband but the act that should celebrate intimacy only heightens my awareness of the gap between us and adds to my sadness. Even when I can shut out the thoughts and just have sex, my husband knows that I am not fully engaged and has a had time enjoying it either.
Our solution in the past has been to just avoid sex and the emotional pain that it brings once I am already feeling bad. BUT since I go through depressive seasons pretty regularly, it is easy to become a married couple that never has sex- and therefore takes away from our intimacy.
The whole thing is cyclical and problematic on so many levels. the only information that I have found that relates to this at all is how to increase your sex drive even when you are taking Anti-depressants.
So- potential idea for a future column. might be interesting to hear the perspective of those of us who struggle with mental health problems and the spouses and how THEY deal with all of this!