I am so sorry you have had such a terrible time, Therese!
I wish you much healing
Elizabeth-

I cannot thank you enough for this so very honest post.
I had the exact same type of weekend and just spent an hour writing an email to friend’s who don’t understand why I didn’t talk to them all day yesterday. As much as I hate having to explain myself to friends who just don’t get it, I’m glad to have them as friends.
The great help that your post gives me is that finally I have found another person who has the same messed up thought process that I do. I can direct them to someone else who can explain what I’m going through.
So, thank you from the basement of my heart! And thank you for living one more day and writing about it. It gives me hope that one day I too might crawl from the basement.

I’m sorry, Therese. But I’m so glad you recognize those lying thoughts. Just remember: all you have to do is the next thing. Don’t get ahead of yourself. Just one step at a time. 5 minutes ahead is only as far as you have to look. I hope you can get back to the a higher floor soon. You are much loved and appreciated…

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We will pray you through this.
From one who knows,

You have helped me through some rough times with my daughter. I bought her your book, and I intend to read it when she finishes. I truly empathize with you and your weekend. The only way I know to help is to pray for you and your family. You will continue to be in my prayers.
Janet, mom of bipolar daughter

I’m so sorry you’re going through a “rough patch” as I call them. I am, too. You see, I never thought I would be alive to see 50 and Wed is my b-day. That gives me roughly 36 hours. Of what? To what? This is very, very, difficult. I am certainly with you in spirit. Why can’t I just be normal . . .

I get hit by ruminations like this all the time. I just ignore them for the most part – like leaves floating by in a stream. I get busy doing something else that requires concentration and effort and that helps sometimes. It can be very annoying when they keep building like a snowball rolling down a hill.

Let me tell you, Therese – what you express is the very real deal. Period. I’ve spent time on Gretchen’s blog, and she does a very nice job – for a specific population. But when I come to your place I feel an immediate sense of identity – connection. Besides, can the pursuit of “happiness” really be reduced to a “project?” Uh…no. Happiness, in and of itself, is not the target. The true focus needs to be the things we do to manage and make the best of our circumstances. That’s what brings us to the byproduct – happiness. And it’s straight talk, like what one receives and shares here, that shows the way.

Therese,
I am struggling right now, too. Thankfully, I decided to check in on your blog and now I am going to pray for you, dear friend, as I pray for myself. Thanks for reminding me that we do move back up after we’ve been down. I’ll pray for Eric, too, as I pray for Michael, for them to have the strength and patience that they need to help see us through.
Katy

Therese; I just finished reading “Beyond Blue”. I have read a lot of books on depression and anxiety. It is finally great to read one who really knows what it is like to be, at times, in that living hell. It is truly a disease, one that I live with everyday. It is one that has taught me many good lessons about life and about how to live with this disease. I wish I could sit down and share my whole story with you, because there is not enough space to write it here. By the way, I had to retire as a psychotherapist in Nov. 2008. I had nothing left to give! It was time to focus on taking care of myself. Dr. Ed
P.S. I went to see Avatar, 3-D,Imax. Beautiful movie with great messages, however too much stimulus for my system. It took days to get back to level 3!

Therese thank you so much for sharing I’m so sorry that your struggle continues but in sharing your pain and how you cope you are really helping so many others. Please continue to believe that it will get better and please keep writing!

bummer my comment
brought me to tears
and got lost with the whole verifying field-thang
hang in there Therese

Bill is right ~ this place is “Home” for us, Therese. A safe place that you have created for those who truly know what it’s like to live with depression. I’m thankful for your honest post today…sorry that it came from such an immensely painful place, but appreciative of your honesty, integrity and willingness to talk about the bad stuff along with the good. Thank you, dear sister!

Therese,
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Just remember we are always with you and love you. I can’t tell you how much what you write has done for me and my fight with depression. You have such great courage and help so many. Jesus truly lives and performs His will through you. Don’t ever forget how much you mean to all of us.

Dear Therese,
Your book and blog have helped me enormously, and I know the experience you describe here too well. I also think the title of your post is the perfect description of it.
You have helped so many. Think of all us lifting you up.
Best,
MA

Therese -
Sorry that you have had a rough few days, after dealing with a snow bound winterfest and now rain. I’m in the Midwest and am happy to say that the SUN has arrived today and should be heading your way soon. This winter, in particular, has made me aware how important sunshine is to my level of happiness or how the lack thereof, attributes to my depression. I read your book over winter break in Mexico. I laughed and cried and really laughed out loud when you brought the book on self esteem to the pool … because here I was reading “Beyond Blue” on vacation (with another family) and my girlfriend sortof said “OK, that’s your reading choice?”. Reading your book gave me the courage to tell her, “You know, you don’t go to therapy for a few sessions and instantly get well. It’s a lifelong struggle.”
I think depression and anxiety scares people who do not suffer from it. Imagine if they lived a day in our life.
Keep fighting the good fight. And thank you for sharing your inner thoughts and fears. You will get to the other side of this darkness. It doesn’t last forever, just feels like it will.

Dear Therese,
I have been to the black hole where there is nothing but pain and racing thoughts, been there recently. When I fell apart, I did not feel anything because the brain makes the body numb. However, if I can sleep through the bad days, things look brighter – eventually. Like you I have faith, but wonder Why. I read your blog and your pain is so real. Please know others love you just by association and the adjustment of meds will probably help, remember our bodies get used to meds and we have to be proactive. God Bless YOU!

My sister once said that Suicide is a perment solution to a Temporary problem.I felt the same way and its not god,its the devil who brings all that and more,to defile,break our spirit and kill us but above all to stop us from getting to heaven.Its sad but we can’t let him win.YOu do good things and touch others and thats the most anyone can ask for or do. Godbless you and keep jesus in your heart because he willl allways keep you in his!

I can really relate to your story. Thanks for sharing it. I hope I can print it out to share with folks who have experienced this in me or have heard me talk about it. Just a little bit of information from my own experience for years. It doesn’t make it any better, but it helps some to understand it. I don’t know whether the weather was nasty where you are during that period you are describing–or even just before the front came–but if it was, consider this and maybe track your moods. I discovered many years ago that I had crashes like that when the weather was unstable, usually starting as a front approaches or it is deeply cloudy. It gets worse if those conditions continue for a period of time. Some is related to barometric pressure and some other things, but sometimes it is totally devastating, and there is nothing I seem to be able to do to make it stop until the unstable weather clears up, sometimes it remains a day or so after the front passes and the sun comes out. That part stymies me, but I think the sudden rise in the barometer, much as I welcome it, sometimes seems the culprit. I don’t know whether this will help you or anyone else understand a different kind of trigger, but I just wanted to put it out there. Your suggestions are good.

I had the same kind of weekend. I’ve been in self-exile since my last breakdown nearly two years ago. A family feud combined with the heartbreaking loss of four companion animals in 5 months, stripped me of my self worth, my business future and my left me both financially and emotionally bankrupt. I have nothing to look forward to and no reason to go on. I can’t afford to make plans for another start and I’m too old and sick too start over. Life just isn’t worth shouting for joy. I pay the bills, cook dinner, feed the pets, and count off my remaining time.
This weekend we decided, that yes, maybe, just maybe, we could afford to give me the one thing that would allow me to live again, another horse. Losing the two we had was the final reason I fell into this hole. So we went shopping. Deep down, I knew we would be cutting it too close. I found one I loved, but it was sold before I could get there. I call it fate – that it really was a life saver. Because buying her would have put us at risk. We’d always be just one month away from losing again.
So now I’m where I always was, knowing I’m still a loser. One who worked very hard her entire life but never made a dent. Someone else always got the credits and the rewards. I get the same old same old playing in my head day after day. Husband knows it’s killing me and wants to help but I know we can’t afford it what I need to thrive. Sadly, I don’t have the family, friends, faith circle needed to sustain. Except for my wonderful husband, who’s distanced himself since I got sick (hiding his own depression over the same situation that cause my illness), I’m alone.
My dad used to quote someone, ‘not to reason why, just to do and die’.

Therese…thank you.
I am going to be divorced soon, and depression has ravaged me. About a year now I’d say, but prevaling the last 3 months since getting served with divorce, while I was in an intensive therapy program. I am in therapy most days and reading your account of 3 days in hell is a familiar ring, and this is as real a fight for life as any gun-laiden battlefield that there is. It will never be understood by those who have not been tested similarly. My son has been very angry in his own battle, is failing college because of his own emotional problems, that stem from his/our own family of origin issues. He wants someone else to be to blame for his failure, serious anger coming out of him. I am reminded of how sensitive we need to be to those in this state. Kid gloves. Here is a note I wrote to him after a beligerant phone conversation where I had to set boundaries…I had to hang up when he became abusive with me:
“I just wanted you to know, I needed to hang up with you last night, but it does not mean anything, only that I could not stay with that conversation. You are a good person. I don’t hate you, and you are worth a lot.
What I have learned about depression: For me, darkness, internally feels like a trap, completely immobilizing…an all-encapsulating parasite, and does not allow me to see the world as it is, rather it forms a lense that only reveals ugly. The rest is out there, just shielded from view. The worlds reality, and our private hell reality, are miles apart. I HATE depression. It is the cruelest of all things. Anyone who has never been afflicted, can never understand the magnitude of the discomfort. It is a mystery still, that this imbalance can be so debasing. 24 hours in this state feels like a week.
It has taken more of me than I am proud of. It has hurt those I love also.
In my experience, one of depressions key disabling features, is that it removes my ability to fight for myself. It is the perfect enemy, preventing a mounted and inspired campaign against it. At its worst, depression erodes my desire to fight, or desire to succeed against it. When it hits, I become almost compliant in my victimization by it, and unfeeling for the subsequent victims of my symptoms. Girlfriends and spouses become victims. If there is a satan, depression must be his favorite tool. Nothing I have ever encountered in my life is as evil, and so well disguised to somehow message that I can do nothing about it. I am not even able to take a vitamin when I am “under”. Afterall, what good is a vitamin when the totality of this pain seems to demand a more realistic solution? (meaning death) It even seems to have the effect of amnesia, keeping me from remembering that it will pass, and has many times.
dad
PS: For me, I am inspired, at times to fight this, and at times, I believe I will win.”
Therese, I learned about my life and what probably is the basis of depression for me, and that has been refreshing, but of little value to stop it. As you know that is another book. I can work all day to relieve it, then it comes right back as soon as I close my eyes at night. Thoughts—>cognitions—>emotions. Funny you mentioned labor to analogize. I had the same thought yesterday, only in the context of knowing labor will be over. Depression has no similar assurance, and it seems packaged with compelling belief that it is permanent. …the scariest of things.
Even as I type this, getting out of my own head for a bit, I feel better (mornings are worst). Knowing what works for you is so important.
Thanks for the opportunity, and glimpse into your life.

Dear Therese, you will do just fine,keep the faith. Allow god in your heart with every thought of unhappiness. Jesus is the the light you will find. Keep searching for strength through our lord, Jesus Christ. I have had these same very thoughts and like you; I ask myself; ” What keeps me alive?’. It is my Son. I know he needs me. I am recently separated (1yr) and did all I could to keep my marriage together. I’ve asked What did I do wrong? Why me? I realive now, that it take both parties to make a marriage work.I’m moving on with my life; allowing God to guide my steps. I’m praying for you.
God Bless you!

Dear Theresa and friends of that nasty darkness,
Thank you, Theresa for sharing your deepest thoughts. It’s refreshing to somehow see those awful feelings placed into words on paper. At least words give it some tangible identity instead of that fierce, incapacitating, suffocating, grey, smokey cloud about my head.
Today I am feeling really well. Any good day is a gift. I started composing music again, painting and writing.
You are doing a fine service, Theresa for so many. I also pray for you and for your wellness as well as the wellness of all of our friends of that ugly fiend called depression.
Warmest regards,
Karen

I am posting to say a big “Thank you!” for your courage to share in such striking clarity your experience. Though I seldom indulge in the luxury of reading blog postings, fortunately for me your headline for today’s entry caught my attention. It at first sounds inappropriate to admit I was smiling and almost giggling as I read an article about depression, but it was a smile of joy at the revelation that someone could and would so eloquently express an inner experience so difficult for most of us to describe.
In a blessing of perfect timing, your entry caught me while in a 48 hour mental turmoil triggered by having driven four hours past numerous accidents on icy roads. That opened gates to the emotional trauma associated with the wreck that took my fiance’s life.
It’s familiar territory for me, and the subsequent recovery is predictable and oft practiced. But that passage will now be a little brighter, and somehow a little less alone, because of your work.
Thank you and God bless.

Thanks for sharing the super low moments.Just as important as the really good ones and all the rest. Have you heard of /read THE UNTETHERED SOUL by Michael A. Singer? Would be nice to read your thoughts on it.

Theresa I now realize that I have ‘never’ been depressed as such. Your biggest challenge is to be able to stop identifying as a Person with Depressed characteristics. It is our own identity that keeps all of our divergent characteristics alive.
Due to an oppressive early childhood, I had to decide that I would stubbornly refuse to be ‘Miserable’! This identifying characteristic has helped me over seemingly unsurmountable events in my own life.
My identity of self is to understand with ‘Gods Love’ how all human conditions happen. Our Agency is to create for ourselve’s, our own life’s challenges. We do this by what we identify ourselves with being.
Like I said your biggest challenge is to change your self identification into a person not afflicted with such depressing thoughts that your thinking entertains, to your own bedevilment.
God Bless!

Thank you so much, Therese, for sharing this and giving the rest of us hope. That gift of hope to us might seem like a burden at times, but we appreciate you all the more for it.
Having been dealing with anxiety/panic/OCD (in the form of repeated unwanted/upsetting thoughts)for the better part of the past five years, I can identify with some of what you write. Moreover, the past several days have been *very* difficult at times. I went to see my therapist today, and one thing we discussed was how important it is for me to remember that I it is okay to have bad thoughts. Thoughts aren’t actions. Five years into therapy and I still have to be reminded of this!!!! But it’s true.
So your statement that “Whenever I stopped castrating myself for having these thoughts, and embraced the very ill and scared girl within me, I felt much better” is so accurate. When I simply forgive myself for not being perfect, for having scary thoughts, I feel better. It’s still moment to moment, but the better moments outweigh the others. That’s progress.
The marathon analogy is spot-on. And yes, God is with us. And St. Therese. And St. Dymphna. ) xo

Thanks for your honesty. I’m sorry you’re struggling but, like in the rooms, it’s good to hear that life/emotional well being/grief/recover is a process that isn’t linear. Keep on.

Medication changes usually make me worst before better and I try to keep my mind focused on that “better” to come. It gets soooo hard sometimes. I have severe clinical depression from a brain injury and I’m very good at hating myself when it gets bad…but I like your part where you look at that little girl inside you who hurts…maybe to look at my pain that way, will help me to help myself more gently, like a little girl needs to be handled gently. I also call on St Michael the archangel to cast satan and all the demons that try to wreck my mind, into hell where they belong. And focus on my being held in the Sacred Heart of Jesus where no harm can touch me.
God Bless you, Therese. You are in my prayers today.

Wow! As usual, Therese, you’ve summed up my experience. It is almost uncanny how you can describe things that I’ve gone through – and it is so incredibly comforting to know others go through the same thing. I hate that we do go through it, but knowing others have – and are still plugging along and sharing how they are doing so – helps so very, very much.
I must say though that I’m bothered by D. Arave’s comment. This makes it sound like these symptoms are a direct result of how we think of ourselves??!! While I totally agree that our thinking impacts our behavior, etc., I disagree strongly that by simply changing your thinking on how you identify yourself you will miraculously NOT have this type of intrusive thoughts. The whole point is this is a biochemical thing. Sure there are things we can do to help make things better, but this posting sure implies it’s a rather simple mindset change that can make all the difference. How many millions of times have I heard that one?? Yet another way this illness is implied to be “our fault.” I”m glad he/she has not experienced this type of depression – but can assure him/her that it’s not simply because he/she chose not to identify himself in a negative way. He/she had a better lottery ticket than some of the rest of us in the depressive gene area!
If I”m overreacting to your posting, I’m sorry. This just echoes things I’ve heard so very many times. I hope that’s not what you meant.

Therese,
WOW! I just got hm from ANOTHER Dr’s appt today, signed on to check emails and Beyond Blue came up. When I read your post I was surprised I must admit because u are such a higly functional depressive. You are such an inspiration to me. When I have been in a “funk” felt like u have the last few days and read your blog you have been in such a good place that it made me feel like “damn she is recovered and never feels like this!” Now I know that isn’t true!
When I read what your wrote a song came to mind that I wanted to share with you. It is one of the top ten on the Country charts by Carey Underwood called “Temporary Home”. Go to You Tube and listen to it. Even if u are not into Country Music normally. It is about the rooms we are passing through, the different floors as you referred to them even the BASEMENT are ONLY TEMPORARY! I know this and deep down I know you do TOO! I have adopted this song recently as mine and even have the video on one of my accts online because it is how I FEEL. I am ready to cross over to the otherside. I will turn 50 next mth in April and I NEVER expected to live this many yrs. I don’t really have the desire to live alot more with the imbalances and health issues I have to be honest either. I know that none of us have long left on this Earth as we know it. We are living in the last days, just look around….with the Earthquakes, the crap going on in the World which are “natural disasters” some people call the work of God….I don’t believe that we were born with mental imbalances or depressive traits. I believe that the chemicals, the foods, our water, the air we breathe, the circumstances we live in…..all have deteriorated our brains. I DO know that we inherit things too, my Mother is schizophrenic (fortunately I did not inherit that from her) and my Father was mentally ill until he passed away. My Mom does not even know what his diagnosis was but having been in WWII I know he sufferred from what is now known as PTS disorder among other things. Anyway, I shared all of that to say this…………I am with ya Sister Friend! I understand how you feel and what you are going through. Remember THAT, you are NOT alone! There are ALOT of us out here who are STILL here because you have been there for us!!! We love you and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
all my love, Mary Anne
Rose petals around u, start looking for them to be coming your way

=-) Thanks for sharing! Ur honesty is sssssoooo appreciated. What a gift u have bestowed upon us. a reminder..I,WE,U ARE NOT ALONE! Thank U!
I am delighted to see that you are AWARE! U can THINK! U CAN FEEL ! U CAN SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS! U CAN TAKE CARE of URSELF! U are U! And just have to do things differently. At least U can identify urself and take whatever appropriate actions necessary to live ur life. Yea its uncomfortable and disruptive at times .Such an inconvenience! YET the positive and most empowering thing to know and believe is…… U have the power and ability to take care of U and any given situation!.. U can THINK! U CAN FEEL ! U CAN SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS! U CAN TAKE CARE of URSELF!! YEA!!!!! =-) U CAN DO U!!!
Love & Light,
**~Aphrodisis~**

Hi everyone, that was an interesting story. What hope it gives for sure. Everyone is so nice in these blogs, I feel like I’m amongst caring loving friends. We need to lean on others and that is a blessing-Big Time!!!! Now, I hope I fit in here somewhere, cause I had a fear come on me SOOO big and I was going through alot at the time. My granddaughter who is 6 was what appeared close to death and we had to make the choice to move in together to take care of my granddaughter Destiny. Plus breaking up with my boyfriend of many years, plus all the quilt that I had from being in a relationship and not being married YET!!Then people telling you your sinning and getting punished for that, I mean, I don’t know if I am having panic attacks or what, but I feel this fear in my chest that will come and go. When I take my ativan at night, usually the fear goes away, but when I’ve been waking up, I’m feeling scared. Its a beautiful day out, but I don’t feel the excitement I normally would. I feel like I am someone I don’t know and I hate being fearful and scared. I don’t even like being alone in a room. I’m getting afraid to take a shower. Am I crazy? Did God abandon me? Why do I feel all alone inside? Can somebody kinda diagnose me before I end up in the ER? I don’t know if I see a shrink or what? I would appreciate all advice or comments and I thank you all for reading and caring. I wish you all a rapid recovery and May the Good Lord have mercy on us all. Please, if you care to respond, please write me at my email address, as I can never find my way back to this post… buckie48192@yahoo.com My name is JiLL and I love you guys. My prayers are with you all

Hang in there, we value you even when you don’t, and we appreciate your voice here.

I totally agree with Mary Anne we are living in the last days where,people cant understand what they are experiencing.And we see the earthquakes as the bible spoke about the Sunamis the Hurricanes and Tornados and other natural disasters. And then in our personal lives we are
experiencing these disasters, Where the enemy wants to destroy us!But it’s a matter of time before the people of G-d his children will be redeemed!!

Ironically, it’s your negative ruminations that have inspired you to start this website which has helped probably tens of thousands of people if not more. So in a strange way you can say to them I will write more and thus help more people so when you find yourself in the basement with them just say hello and thank them for helping you to help others. sort of like John Nash saying goodbye to his hallucinations in A Beautiful Mind. Thank you for helping me.

Thank you, this article was so enlightening to me.

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