“A handful of friends and my neighbors listen, which I think is the single best thing you can do for anyone struggling with anything: a chronic illness, a stressful situation, a death, being laid off.”
So true.
I suffer not only from OCD and anxiety but also from a few chronic physical health problems and the most healing thing another person can do for me when I am suffering is to listen to me complain and voice my frustrations. That’s all. Just listen. When people try to tell me bunch of quick fixes, it makes me mad and they come off sounding trite. But since I’m a people pleaser and hate confrontation, I usually just smile and nod my head when those conversations take place.
Thanks for the lovely post filled with wisdom.

T,
I will ALWAYS be here to listen, remember though u have to be the one to pick up that 100 lb telephone, send out the email, ask or we don’t know u need that! I love u and took my Beyond Blue book with me to my wknd campout/festival. I enjoyed being in nature, away from the electronics for a few days but DID miss signing on to read your posts. I went back and looked at what I missed from Thur & Fri and LOVED the video on COURAGE. That word always reminds me of the Lion in the Wozard of Oz….Courage,his little spill he does on it. Maybe you can rent the movie if u don’t have it and listen to that portion…if it worked for him it may inspire you!
Know that u remain in my thoughts and prayers DAILY. You are so special and remember the story from the Bible when your arms are too weak to hold them up yourself there is always someone God sends to support them for you, to hold you up. Thank GOD we are not all in a depressive state or in our funk at the same time. That we can always depend on others to be supporting us, holding us up until we can get back up like the Phoenix from the ashes. Over my wknd I was reminded of something which was ONE of the 50 things from the little 50 Lessons for Life’s Little DeTours…………this one is one that I am clinging to right now and keeps coming back to me.
#30 The passage of time heals almost everything….give Time- time!
Love & Light
Mary Anne

Listening is such a lost art in our society. It seems like people just wait for you to stop speaking so they can start talking. I guess with the electronic age people are accustomed to constantly talking whether via email, twitter, FB, blogs, texting, cell phone, etc. There definitely is something magical about a person who will just listen and provide some support.

Thank you again for writing just what I needed to hear. I am in that ‘black hole’ and I feel grateful that there are one or two people who can sit with me, listen to me, believe that I can come out. Yes, there are so many others that act like I am either self-absorbed or a contagion(” to be handled carefully and with plastic gloves so that they don’t have to get dirty with you”) and it is painful, but just one person can be a lifesaver. Thank you for having the courage to write the truth, even though it is so hard. It helped me today to hear someone else express what I am feeling and know I am not completely crazy and alone

Going to listen more starting NOW! You never know when you are going to be the one that needs to be listened to……I believe in planting things that I want to reap! May we all have the blessing of friends or family who truly listen and love! What a treasure…..as you get older you realize what the real treasures in life are….

I’m also struggling right now. I lowered my Lexapro last spring down to 20mg and then had a very bad winter with family issues. About 2 weeks ago I realized that I needed to do something with my meds.
My dr. upped my Lexapro to 30 mg on Friday but now I’m in that painful waiting period of wanting them to work so fast and each day that I don’t wake up feeling “normal” again I have a meltdown. And wonder how I’m going to make it through the day because tomorrow’s dose might be the “magic dose”.
I just feel like I’m watching the clock constantly.

Colletta – I went through that same experience two years ago with my medication. It took about 2-3 weeks to start feeling normal again after increasing my dosage again. Hopefully, the Spring weather will help you as well.

It is so hard to wait for the meds to kick in. YOu feel crazy and flat. I too would wake everyday and say to myself” am I better?” But one day you will get out of bed, make your coffee and get dressed and after like an hour you will realize it wasn’t as hard as the day before and so on. I too get stuck in the “am i better today” better than yesterday”. Little by little it will happen.

Thanks for your comments. I have a 8 year old and a 3 yr old. Today my mom came and stayed the day with me and I think it almost made me feel worse because I felt like I should be able to handle it by myself like an adult even if it caused extreme anxiety. Like I need to prove it to myself that I’m capable.

I had a friend who had a miscarriage. I said the usual platitudes “you’re young, you can have more” and “there must have been something wrong with the baby” to her. Many years later, I had a miscarriage. People said the same things to me. They had good intentions, just like I had. They were just trying to make me feel better. Newsflash – it didn’t work. I needed to mourn, and these (well meaning) people were, in essence, telling me to skip that step. I am now an Ultrasound technologist. When I get a patient that is having a miscarriage, I tell her simply “I’m sorry for your loss” There are no better words.

I have days when just to get up out of bed seems like such a chore. When I can get out of bed without thinking about it and start my daily routines I feel like I have won a small victory. People have good intentions, but listening IS a lost art. In the middle of my depression, that’s one of the things I have managed to hold on to, the art of listening. I have a two friends going thru issues right now, and another woman just found out that the man I’ve been dating was dating her at the same time as well as four other women and in her misery she has turned to me for comfort (kinda weird, I know) and shared things that she’s feeling. In a weird kind of way, we have found comfort in each other because we’re listening without passing judgement. We realized that we both are the victims here. Maybe because we seem to be similar in many ways we can understand what we are each feeling.
In my case, my family doesn’t know how to handle my depression and so they stay away for the most part from asking how I’m doing.

Everyone wants to talk and very few want to listen. We all feel the need to say the right or “politically correct” thing. In most instances it is important to engage your ears and put your mouth in neutral. Most of us have had experiences that are hard to deal with. The person that helped me the most just listened to what I had to say. It allowed me to verbalize and to cry and start to heal. Have you ever been stressed over a situation, where you go over and over the facts trying to figure it out in your mind; only to find that you know the answer once you verbalized the dilema? It just goes to prove that sometimes one must talk about it to be able to overcome it. My father always had a saying that it is better to listen and be silent and maybe people will think you are stupid than to open your mouth and thus remove all doubt. Many times we say the wrong thing to a friend or family member, even with the right intentions. Thus what dad said makes alot of sense. It is better to listen than to open your mouth and stick your foot in it. A great listener is a rare but very valuable commodity. I really enjoyed your insight into this subject. Thanks

I so enjoyed your writing today. I have been working on deep listening. I have nurtured bad habits over the years regarding listening and undoing that is quite a challenge, but, I persevere and hope that at some point I will do a better job of it. It is particularly difficult with my children that are now grown – a mother still wants to do or say something to make things better and I must remember they are on their own path and usually my job now is to be there and just listen. Thanks for your insight in such a direct manner. I will continue my work on me.

Funny reading this article, I divorced in 2002, and think it has taken until the past year to begin to heal. I feel that I am soooo much better in every way, because I allowed myself to feel every thing I was feeling. I due believe I was clinically depressed and medications, I’m sure would have helped, I isolated myself, was existing not living, I feel bad for my middle son who saw me in a bad way for a long time. I am sooo much better now than I have ever been, I have allowed myself to feel every childhood trauma, disappointment and pain, now I feel free and liberated. My youngest has a mother the other two never knew, but now they all have a mom who tries to find some thing good every day. My faith has helped me tremendously, I hope this doesn’t offend you, but you and everyone who feels the way I use to are in my prayers everyday…God Bless

Thank you so much for writing this today. I just got home from an appt with my therapist. It is the only hour all week where I feel as if someone actually listens to me – not just “hears” but truly LISTENS! Everyone else is downright tired of me saying that “I’m hanging in” or “doing ok” (in that tone), so I’m putting on my mask and say, “I’m fine.” I wrote in my journal one day: do people think I *like* saying this? I’m just as tired of saying this as they are of hearing it. I wind up listening to everyone else because nearly all of my conversations wind up with *me* listening to everyone else because they’ve stopped asking for fear I might actually tell the truth (on the off chance that someone remembers I exist). I’m suicidal and certainly NOT up for supporting them through their problems, which, while huge in their world, pale in comparison to wanting to suicide.
I think we’ve all had those platitudes which basically say “suck it up” and you’re right. If after a couple of weeks you’re still suicidal or severely depressed, they don’t want to hear it anymore – they have no idea that it’s a chemical illness (but again, won’t listen long enough to allow us to explain that part of it on a better day). We become more and more isolated which becomes a vicious cycle. I try to remember that they have good motives, but sometimes I want to take their ears and stretch them out like an elephant!
Anyway, I really needed to read this today. Your timing is from the Lord and I really appreciate what He’s given you to say.
With many blessings and prayers as I listen (read) what you have to say!

Thanks for having the courage to share the truth of what you’re really feeling. I bet you’re voicing what many people in pain are feeling who are alone, without any listeners in their lives. I’ve discovered that listening actually feels better than trying to come up with an answer. I feel more grounded when I give my full attention to someone. I certainly don’t want trivial advice or platitudes when I’m hurting; I just want someone who can hear me and let me be. You’re great!

I have attended a lot of seminars and workshops about how to be a good speaker, leadership etc… but nothing about how to be a good listener.
To be a good listener is indeed difficult, it requires attitude and a heart to focus – just be there- silence… Listening, without the knowledge of everybody is actually the best foundation of a relationship, all relationships.. Friendship, at work, community, government agencies etc… Conflicts sets in because of misunderstanding. Why? Because nobody takes time to listen..Listening is always and will always be The Beginning of Understanding.

Thank you for sharing.
There are many in the world who are suffering. I need to relearn how to “listen”.
My problem is from PTSD but is well medicated.
Remember that God loves you and yours. God loves everyone.

Technology shortens people’s attention span and causes them to feel they don’t have enough time to listen in my opinion. My grandparents and mother communicated by talking to each other, and a good ingredient in conversation is waiting for one’s time to talk and listening when not talking. Alas, for some people it is hard to stop talking and start listening. That’s my 25 cents’ worth.

Oh, Therese, how I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you a cyber-hug…I’ve been “in the hole” before, and someone telling me to “buck up,little buckaroo” would send me reaching for their throats. Now that I’m on the right chemical cocktail for my bipolar, I, too, find that just listening in group therapy (without trying to formulate a “solution”), or to my good friend when she’s “down there” and just needs to vent, is the most important thing that person needs at that time. Sometimes, in the past, I found myself listening with just “one ear,” like…”will you pleeese hurry up!” But now, with the knowledge and wisdom I’ve gained through 42 years of having this illness send me on roller-coaster rides, I’ve found that a sympathetic “two ears” means more than tiring platitudes.
I’ve “listened” to your blog – and I’m still listening…

Great article! I took a class on business communication once, but what I learned has beneficially “bled over” into my social life. I try to always take the time to really listen. The flip side to that, however, is to take time to replenish your own “compassion well” so you don’t run dry for others. I spend some time in solitude regularly to be familiar with myself and my own frailties … being brutally honest with myself helps me have great tolerance for fraility in others.

Dear Therese,
This could not me more true.Sometimes thinking of the brightest reply is wasted time.Just listen.

Good insight and thanks for sharing. I am in the black hole now and feel that no amount of meds help. I hate the hole, but people are there with us. It is just too damn dark to see them! Love to you and the ones reading because I can feel you listening.

Being able to sit silently with someone who is in a “Dark Place”, and thirsting for your love and understanding, and being silent and quietly listening as they take those necessary steps, however long it may take to heal and become well again, is “INTIMACY”, (IN TO ME SEE). Not everyone is comfortable with intimacy, however.

WOW! I listened to your email too. I am bordering on being in the dark place right now, but more importantly two family members I love dearly are in the dark place right now, I can’t wait to see them tonight and just listen – thank you for your insight. How true. Solutions aren’t the solution !

so sorry that you are feeling bad…sending you my sympathy and listening ears from south australia (((hug)))

with e-mails and texting….cell phones and computers we have lost the beautiful art of looking a person eye to eye and listening. Reading the expressions on their face..which sometimes say more then words can. I silently scream..my voice echoes into nothingness. No one really listens anymore. they say they are, but well..whatever. I myself need to listen more..to hear to the things said and not said. COMPASSION, EMPATHY..they still exist