Depression and bipolar disorder are family diseases.
Everyone sharing a kitchen and a bathroom is affected. In fact, in his book “Understanding Depression,” J. Raymond DePaulo Jr., M.D., writes that “depression … has a much greater impact on marital life than rheumatoid arthritis or cardiac illness. One study found that only severe forms of cancer affected a family as adversely as depression or bipolar disorder.”
My manic depression could have easily wrecked my marriage and my relationships with my two children. Instead, we emerged as a tighter, stronger unit. How? Here are eight ways Eric helped me cope–tips for families on how, exactly, to hang in there with a loved one who has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
1. Educate yourself.
I remember the afternoon of my first severe panic attack. I phoned Eric at work as my breath grew shallow and my heart pounded as if I were having a heart attack. I was sure I was dying. As soon as he walked through the door, he stared at me suspiciously. My limbs were in place, and I seemed to be functioning just fine. What was the problem?
“You don’t understand,” I explained. “I thought I was dying! It was the most frightening experience I have ever had.”
What convinced my spouse that my bipolar disorder was an illness, not a weakness? Research. The reams of paper that I printed out and asked him to read. The psychiatric evaluations he witnessed. The group therapy and family sessions he attended. And the conversations with other spouses of persons with bipolar disorder.
Education is always the starting point. Because until a spouse or daughter or friend of a manic-depressive understands the illness, it is impossible to say and do the right thing.
2. Learn how to talk to your loved one.
Eric doesn’t say much when I’m clutching tissue paper, crying my eyes out. And he’s hesitant to speak when I’m manic (not that I would let him get in a word). When I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning, he reminds me why I need to. And when I’m revved up, he’s the voice of reason telling me why a spontaneous trip to New York isn’t smart.
Anna Bishop, wife of fellow blogger James Bishop (findingoptimism.com) has some wonderful advice for the loved one of a manic depressive on what to say and when:
When James becomes ill he turns into a different person. I say goodbye to my husband, so to speak, and hello to bipolar James. In a depressive episode he becomes highly irritable and usually itches for a fight. Early on he will often make comments to bait me. “All I do is work, work, work, to support your lifestyle and your precious social group.”
You can imagine what a red rag to a bull that comment is.
At this point I have 2 options:?1. Take the bait, have a messy fight and accelerate his downswing, or?2. Grit my teeth and say “it’s the illness speaking”. If I can do that then I have a much better chance of diffusing the situation. A comment like “You sound stressed about work – let’s talk” has better results and sometimes can even stop the mood swing.
3. Make some rules.
You know all the fire drills in primary school you prayed would happen during the math pop quiz? All those times the school administrators rehearsed what, exactly, would happen in the case of an emergency? Families of bipolar persons need them as well: a plan of action for those times when the a bipolar person is sick.
In order to design a such a strategy, the manic depressive and her loved one must compile a list of symptoms–like the smoke and burning smell of that make-believe fire in the third grade–and what action should follow them, like “call the doctor.”
Each family will have a different list of symptoms and a different model of recovery, because no two illnesses are exactly alike.
Eric and I have agreed that I will call my doctor after two consecutive night’s sleep under five hours, or after three days of crying spells. A friend of mine told me that he and his wife have agreed that she will see her psychiatrist if she hasn’t gotten out of bed for three days.
4. Plan for emergencies.
As part of the above plan of action, you should consider what should happen when the bipolar person is very ill. “When you are dealing with a disease that has the potential to become life-threatening, the last thing you want is an improvised response to an emergency situation,” writes Francis Mark Mondimore, M.D. in his book
“Bipolar Disorder: A Guide for Patients and Families.”
Part of your plan should include a list of people who you can call for help. Of course, it is recommended that the bipolar person be working closely with a psychiatrist, and that he know how to get in touch with the psychiatrist after hours, and in case of emergencies. It’s also a good idea to know which hospital the psychiatrist works with, or if the doctor will work with any hospital in the area. Ask friends, doctors, and family members for their recommendations about hospitals and mental-health practitioners.
Also, the red tape of insurance issues is often too overwhelming to process at the time of the emergency, so get familiar with the details of your medical insurance coverage for psychiatric illnesses right now. Know the terms of hospital coverage, especially, and how much the patient is expected to pay out of pocket for various services.
5. Listen.
“When people are talking,” writes
Rachel Naomi Remen, “there’s no need to do anything but receive them. Just take them in. Listen to what they’re saying. Care about it. Most times caring about it is even more important than understanding it.”
When I think back to the days when I was very ill, crying and shaking at the dinner table and at preschool functions with the kids, no response was as appreciated as when someone simply listened. Suggestions came off as condescending, even though I know they were meant to be helpful. Advice was annoying. Many times I just needed to be heard, to be validated.
Don’t hesitate to say nothing. Because silence often speaks the most loving message.
6. Go gentle.
I can’t count all the times I have tried Eric’s patience with the reckless highs and debilitating lows of my bipolar disorder. When I get fired up and want to sign up for 60 new activities–not to mention losing my car keys, cell phone, and purse–it’s difficult for him not to get annoyed. But because he places my exasperating behavior in the proper context of an illness, and sees them as mere symptoms of a disease–rather than careless and self-absorbed actions–he is better able to go gentle with me.
Moreover, a little kindness and gentleness toward your loved one–especially at those times that you feel incapable of affection and care– goes a long way to aid recovery.
7. Laugh together.
Humor heals in so many ways. It combats fear, as it loosens anxiety’s death grip on your heart and every other living organ. It comforts and relaxes. And recent studies indicate that humor also reduces pain and boosts a person’s immune system.
“Laughter dissolves tension, stress, anxiety, irritation, anger, grief, and depression,” says Chuck Gallozzi of personal-development.com. “Like crying, laughter lowers inhibitions, allowing the release of pent-up emotions. After a hearty bout of laughter, you will experience a sense of well-being. Simply put, he who laughs, lasts. After all, if you can laugh at it, you can live with it. Remember, a person without a sense of humor is like a car without shock absorbers.”
Humor also aids communication, and if there is one thing besides education that is absolutely essential for a healthy relationship with a bipolar loved one it’s good communication.
8. Get support for yourself.
Care-giving is draining. Even when you are protecting yourself with the armor of regular sleep, healthy meals, and essential time-outs from your sick loved one, caring for a person still takes a toll on your physical and mental health.
“It can be exhausting to live with a hypomanic person and frustrating to deal with a seriously depressed person day after day,” says Dr. Mondimore. “The changes and unpredictability of the moods of someone with bipolar disorder intrude into home life and can be the source of severe stress in relationships, straining them to breaking point.”
That’s why you need support as much as your loved one. You need to talk to people who have lived with a manic-depressive, and be validated by their experiences. Spouses and family members of bipolar persons should consider therapy for themselves, as a way of processing all the stress. You may also benefit from checking out support programs for spouses and loved ones of the mentally ill, like
www.NAMI.org (National Alliance for Mental Illness) that are available today.
posted June 7, 2008 at 12:10 am
What about helping US cope? the understanding, loving spouses of the biopolar. I have just went through a DEVASTATING 4 yr marriage to a man who was not diagnosed prior to us marrying. I stuck by him through different jobs, trips to the Hospital and Dr’s. Even made the decision to love him through the SICKNESS and health, Richer or POOR which poor was mostly the case as I had vowed when we married before getting his dual diagnosis of Bipolar disorder and ADHD. Last yr, wks before we were to celebrate our anniversary just days after taking me shopping for a couch like I have always wanted and getting it for me along with a 1/2 dozen roses and a loving card about “soulmates” he flipped!
He had went off to wk and had forgotten to give me back my insurance card and I had an appt for an MRI which I had been wking mths on getting scheduled for my bad back. I had a handicap of my own, I have been diagnosed with degenerative disc disease of the spine. I have already had the disc at L5/S1 dissolve and now live with bone on bone. Anyway, I called him on his cellphone to let him know that I needed him to bring the card to me so I could get to my appt which was in a cpl of hrs. He was FURIOUS that he had to take time off to come bring me the card when it was his own error forgetting to give it back to me.
By the time he got back to the house he SLAMMED his wedding ring down on the top of my cabinet in the bedroom and SCREAMED that I no longer had insurance because he wanted a Divorce. I was caught off guard, shocked and hurt. He grabbed up the insurance card which he had previously already handed me and I had layed on the bed with my paperwork and things while I was getting ready for my appt. He went to leave the house in his work van WITH the card after making the trip here to give it to me. I tried to keep him from leaving, asking him what was going on. I grabbed at the back of his shirt after he pushed me away from the bedroom door. Then when I tried grabbing the back of his shirt as he was going down the hallway he SCREAMED between clinched teeth to LET GO OF HIM before shoving me into the walls of the hallway and then the doorframe of the entry. I waited for him to leave the house and proceeded onto my appt with a friend who was taking me there as I already am perm disabled with the SS Admin and have a Handicap tag for the car, doing very little driving anymore.
When we made it to the appt, I was hysterical, crying and unable to even complete the paperwork. They asked me what was wrong and were very good to take me to the back where I was put in a reclining chair and given time to settle down. After taking some pain medication I was able to go ahead with the procedure which we were not certain I would be able to. The results: not on top of my previous disc disease I also had a pinched sciatic nerve and a fracture!
My husband did move out of the home, I have not had contact with him. He had me served with Divorce Papers and now I am trying to support myself off of $360 a mth in SSI money. He has been my supporter and had been supplying medical insurance on me thru his company. I share all of this because while I understand he is a sick man dealing with a mental illness. I too have been seeing psychiatrists and taking anti depressants for yrs! This all drove me to the edge. I spent mths barely holding on. Suicidal YES and having problems getting put back on my benefits/Medicaid after loosing it when my husband had started making so much money with the overtime at his new job. I am NOW back on Medicaid and am seeing both a Dr and a new therapist. I am still seeing my pain mgt Dr for my back.
I do very little anymore for pleasure. One of my lifelines has been this site! I made it through the Holidays with the 12 Bipolar Days of Christmas. Bless you Therese for all you do to make Beyond Blue available for all of us! I would like to get some feedback though from all of you who can encourage me. I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me. And from all the hurt and anger my soon to be X has caused now instead of the empathy and understanding I had for those with BiPolar illness all I have is FEAR. Fear of meeting anyone or being around anyone with this illness after all this man has put me through. It is ongoing, the Divorce hearing not scheduled till Aug. I recently learned that at the end of the mth I am ORDERED to appear in a trial by Jury in our home town on an assault charge me filed on me in retaliation for my filing a report of his assault on me that day. They said my grabbing him and my admitting it was proof that he was not the only one who was volitile. I also rcv’d an Inventory & Appraisement from his Atty. On it he claims that the bed he had bought for me over a yr and 1/2 ago for my back….it is a memory foam type bed that I got a prescription for from my Dr. is his separate property and wants it back. He is even trying to take the stove and refrigerator he bought for the home away. I ask all of you who read this to please add me to your prayer list. I need all the help, encouragement and friendship I can get. Therese keep those good blogs, stories and videos coming…………..love and light
Mary Anne
posted June 8, 2008 at 6:36 am
Another site that has been very helpful to me is http://psychcentral.com It is chock full of good info.
posted June 8, 2008 at 12:51 pm
I do not post comments all that often (last one was in Sept, I think!) but I have been reading.
This is not the place to ask this, but I can not find a way to contact you directly Therese- please delete this comment if you can tell me a better way (sorry!)
I am looking for some good books this summer (some light summer reads would be helpful too, but that is not what this is about)
I would really like to have a better theological and psychological understanding of the intersection of faith and depression. I get that it is a personal issue and reading a theologians view will not necessarily tell me about ME but I need a way to articulate what is going on with me spiritually when I am in a depressive season.
Basically, since the beginning of my depressive symptoms I have had a hard hard time hearing God’s voice (not literally but spiritually) or really enjoying reading scripture. Some of it is my own resentment towards God (Sovereign God + me crying a lot = What Gives!) but some of it, I think, is that my depression blocks the peace that I used to get from scripture or praise music or meditation.
Like today for example, I opted to stay home from church because we do communion on the first Sunday of the month and I would rather stay home than feel numb during a time that I am supposed to feel closer to my Lord and therefore cry for the whole service.
Anyway, I am looking for good books- trying to avoid the “Just pray more” view of depression and am hoping that you and other members of the Beyond Blue community can help.
P.S.– I went back and read the post from Sept- Things with my husband are much much better and I think that he has done some research on his own and is taking my depressions much less personally- so there is hope for others who are/ were in the same boat.
posted June 8, 2008 at 1:30 pm
I read through your 8 ways of dealing with bipolar. I only wish with all my heart we could do this for my MIL. Here is part of our story…http://mybipolarmother.wordpress.com/
I don’t know that there is anything that can be done at this point in regard to her bipolar. We have three children and have had to keep them from her. I just don’t know what to do anymore…I am afraid of her as are the children. If you can offer any advice….
I have other friends who are bipolar and have come to the conclusion that a part of their personalities play into their manic phases as far as how vile and mean they can get. My one friend would come over and help me clean when she was on a high phase….when she was in a low phase I would have her come over and she would just sit and rock in my rocking chair all day. She would just watch me with the kids and this seemed to help her. I know her husband was grateful when we started to doing this. I thought of all bipolars like her….I didn’t understand even when my husband tried to warn me….I just kept thinking of my other friend. I miss her..she has since moved from our neighborhood and we also attended the same church.
It is awesome to read of the success stories of a family who has learned coping skills. I only wish this could be our family….but the hatred for me is too great. I will continue to visit your blog and glean from it the pearls of wisdom you offer.
Maybe one day…I continue to pray for her and my FIL who has given up hope of ever being able to spend time with his wife of 50+ years. She has been diagnosed on several occasions and been committed three times. She refuses any and all help..saying it is us and not her. I’m sure that sounds familliar, you’ve probably heard it before. I am at a loss and tired of living my life in fear of this person.
posted June 8, 2008 at 4:13 pm
I just want to say thanks for this posting. As a bipolar wife and mom whose disorder is well controlled at this time it’s good to have a reminder of the basics. I might also add that my psychiatrist early on after my diagnosis gave my husband and I a list of questions. If I am experiencing difficulty with racing thoughts or irrational thoughts he will ask me questions such as
“Where are you right now?”
“What are you supposed to be doing right now?”
The second one in particular helps me to refocus my thoughts.
Bipolar is a challenge but not an insurmountable one if given loving care.
posted June 8, 2008 at 7:46 pm
Theresa,
Thank you for this great article and your suggestions of how to cope. My wife of 11 years had her first major episode and was diagnosed bipolar type II a year and a half into our marriage. I am all too familiar with the rollercoaster that goes along with this illness, but the links and books that you mention are some of my favorite resources. Education and compassion are the two things you need most to have a fighting chance.
You also need to be aware of your own needs and make sure that you don’t let yourself get burned out. An analogy that was very popular at one of my favorite websites for loved ones of bipolar patients (BPSO.org — BiPolar Signifigant Others) was the flight attendant charge to place your own oxygen mask on before attempting to help someone else with theirs.
I loved the online support that I was able to find, but nothing was as great as the face to face local support I found through NAMI. NAMI is an amazing organization and anyone who loves someone who has been diagnosed with a mental illness should take the free 12 week Family-to-Family Course.
Loving someone with a mental illness is not easy, but there is hope.
P.S.
An editorial note – the blue backgroud fits well with the title of your blog, but the black text is virtually unreadable. This information is far too important to have people not be able to read it. Please reconsider either your text color or backgroud shade.
posted June 8, 2008 at 7:52 pm
Regarding my P.S. — Apparently my computer has gremlins because as soon as I submitted my comment the blue disappeared and everything is perfectly legible….
posted June 9, 2008 at 9:32 am
My daughter gave my husband and I terrible frights, when she was much younger. She had threatened toill me, did try to kill herself. She was diagnosed as being bi-polar. She is now good, many years later, but I’m still afraid to go against her. My question, her grandson is 7 years old and very moody. He cries a lot and is frightened by a lot of things. He seems rather sad to me. At first I thought when his sister was born it was normal jealousy. I don’t really know, of course.
When he acts up, my granddaughter’s husband threatens the child with punishment, but I doubt if he ever follows through. My great granddaughter is just the opposite. Her dad throws her up and catches her and plays with her a lot, seems to prefer the out-going child over their first child, she loves rough treatment, so it goes on and on..
I worry about Jack, my greatgrandson, afraid he is bipolar like his grandmother, my daughter.
My granddaughter says he is going to a psychologist. She is aschool teacher and Jack’s teacher, at the same school, tells her what Jack does at school. That he cries a lot and when he touches the other his schoolmates, he cries when they reject him.
posted June 9, 2008 at 1:03 pm
This is a very helpful website and i appreciate the honesty.I’m Bi-Polar and my husband tries his best to understand me and react as decent as possible.Lately his new funny way of dealing with me is his funny saying: “I’m on the Bi-Polar Express ride”! You know like the Polar Express Movie. He’s pretty good at knowing when to give me space and he’s always trying to get me out of bed if i’ve been there for 3 days.I always make my kids aware of when my moments are and tell them to give me a moment or let me rest through it.They our pretty good at letting me have my space too.It is tough to deal with at times because it comes and goes.I hate it when i have the switchy moods.I try to snap out of it but it’s hard to.Thanks for the good advice and ideas on here.May God Bless you always!
posted June 9, 2008 at 1:09 pm
I’m a bi-polar mess, I can’t stay stil for nothing, I feel the need to leave where ever I am and go some where else. I have moved more times than I can count, only to find myself making and getting ready for another move. I have moments of rage and feeling homicidal and then only to have it turn on myself like seeing myself in a bathtub full of blood, my own. If anyone can help me I would appreciate it..
posted June 9, 2008 at 2:34 pm
I think this is great that bipolar is actually being recognized. I think that if anyone reading this actually suffers from bipolar you need a WRAP plan in place. I personally took a WRAP class which is 11 weeks long and it taught me to recognize what I’m like when I’m well, what I’m like when I getting sick, what others can do for me and who can help me. What are supporters? Who are supporters? etc. It’s a great class and most mental health recovery centers have it in place now. Just ask and I’m sure someone can direct you. If you get no answers please let me know and I will do my best to find out if there is a WRAP group in your area.
posted June 9, 2008 at 2:37 pm
Jeanne,
It sounds to me like you might need to talk to your doctor and possibly have your meds adjusted. I hope you have a doctor or counselor as you really need to talk to one of them immediately. You could end up hurting yourself and I personally, even not knowing you, wouldn’t want to see that happen.
Good Luck FRIEND
posted June 9, 2008 at 2:57 pm
Jeanne,
please reach out to family, friends &/or your doctor. This too shall pass. You deserve to be happy. God Bless & good luck- Felicia
posted June 9, 2008 at 3:01 pm
Where to begin, I am 28 years old and have been a relationship for going on 7 years. We have 3 kids between us, 2 are his and mine together and 1 is mine from a previous relationship. I am bi-Polar and very depressed most of the time. My kids drive me crazy as most kids do to their parents. But my boyfriend doesnt think that my disorder can be controlled by medication, he thinks that it is all in my head! I yell and scream and try to start fights with him all the time, and usually say something that makes him mad and he threatened to leave me and the 3 boys. What can I do to help him understand what I am going through and how that he can help me get through my episodes of this illness? I love his and my kids so much and would do anything to change the way I treat them when I am going through my episodes. I hate the way that I act with them all, but have just recently lossed my job and he was layed off from work, and I now dont have any health insurance to get any help, does anyone have any suggestions for me? I could use the help. Please and Thank You!
posted June 9, 2008 at 3:16 pm
I have bipolair too! I talk to my shrink contiusly I know my syptoms but my family is what they try to don’t understand me when I’m in one of my moods I can’t help myself, but throuh medicines I do realy good my there are times I go off the deep end then it right back to major depresion again I just want to be unstood by my family in which we are not talking again this happens all the time to make things worst my mother is dieing of cancer man I carry a load any wats thanks for this e-mail
posted June 9, 2008 at 3:21 pm
Just reading this little bit of information has made me realize that I am not alone. My wife has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. We have been married for 10 years and have 2 awesome boys. We split up about two years ago and eventually got back together after a six month seperation. I am terrible at dealing with her constant mood changes and very annoying behavior which I take as being immature and figure she doesnt really care about anything but her own interests. We fight like crazy often talking about divorce again. I am at the point where I am so tired of baby sitting her. She was on medication that knocked her out all the time which neither of us want. SHe stopped taking the meds about a year ago and I let her do that so she could be happy. Her behavior has changed my behavior and that makes me even more mad at her.I dont like to make excuses but I have started drinking more and more just to try to ignore the problem….Thats not working to well either. I do love her and want to be happy with our relationship. With some help I think I can find a better way to handle her disease.We are both 30 years old and we both need some help and answers. Any ideas or comments would be appreciated.
posted June 9, 2008 at 3:29 pm
I live where there is an Alegent Health care system. They offer financial aid for low income families. Even if you don’t have that specific health care system in your area there normally is still places that offer financial assistance. There is probably also community health centers that help low income people. It may take some working trying to find the places that can help you but it is worth it in the long run. A good place to start is to find your local Department of Human Services. They typically have listings of places that help low income people. They may be able to help with other bills also which may help the fear of losing everything. I hope this helps. Good luck and Blessed Be.
posted June 9, 2008 at 4:16 pm
Most of my adult life I have been a sensitive person (as my husband says, i am finely tuned). I am a very caring,empathetic, emotional person who tends to feel stress maybe a little more than the average person. My PMS times used to be horrific emotionally, so I know part of my feelings have been hormonal. I am also part of a genetic pool of people who have alot of depression and anxiety. Over the years I chose to seek help from psychiatrist and psychologists for problems such as my husband and I seeing differently on raising our children, and other family matters, and panic attacks. One out of 6 psychiatrists I saw (I saw so many because some moved, some got different insurance carriers, some retired, etc), diagnosed me as bipolar after I had a breakdown. I even went to a bipolar specialist years later as I did not feel I fit this bipolar description, and he said I was definately NOT bipolar. However, my family (brothers and sister), seem to want me to be labeled bipolar and continue to refer to me as having that condition. My husband knows I can be emotional and get depressed, but said he does not see me as bipolar. I am annoyed that one doctor or drs. can mislabel somebody and we are stuck with this label for the rest of our lives. It’s as if human beings are not allowed to have their ups and downs and reactions to stressful events or hormonal events without being catagorized. My husband is a genetically mild mannered man. Look at his entire family and they are that way. Just because I am more expressive or can get sad does not make me bipolar. Rumors can spread viciously and ruin your life because people want power over you. While it is helpful and often urgent for people to be properly diagnosed if they are truly bipolar, i think the label is thrown out much too often. Some people just aren’t getting all the love they need or support in life and get genuinely depressed. Depression is the norm for our society today. Not everybody is bipolar!
posted June 9, 2008 at 4:58 pm
My husband is BI-POLAR. we have been together 17 yrs. and I have been with him every step through his disorder but recently there has been alot of “life” in this family and I believe it caused him to go into the downward spiral. He got layed off (but yet he didn’t want to work anymore) now the severns package stopped this was more preasure on him. My mother took ill (on hospice) and I had to go to Pa to tend her, while I was gone he crashed and burned and now will not even try to go throughthe motions of living.I am doing it all I got him on disability but it is not enough to live on. We are going to be in big financial trouble. I am watching kids and selling Mary Kay to help meet ends as I really can’t go far from him. The Dr. wants to do shock therapy. He had this once before in 89. I fear what state this will leave his mind in as he is 61 and suffers memory loss from the last treatment that never came back. He takes his meds, doesn’t drink and quit smoking (cost). I don’t know what to do, I have begged him to get up and do what the couselors tell him to do but he doesn’t he watches me do the work, take care of the kids, cook the meals on maybe 3-4 hrs a sleep a nite. I know this can’t keep going on, any suggestions would help. I love him dearly and can’t stand to see him suffer. He has been in and out of hospitals and programs.
posted June 9, 2008 at 5:27 pm
Do you have any information or experience to assist our family with an adult child who is both bipolar and high functioning developmentally delayed (mentally retarded)? Dealing with both of these plus the behavioral problems for 35 years has worn all of us down. She takes her meds and lives in a foster home, but has been fired from almost every job she’s ever had (the last one is one day a week where her father works and she’s hanging on by a thread).
Thanks for advice.
posted June 9, 2008 at 5:56 pm
One of the tragedies of bi-polar illness is finding a doctor who recognizes the symptoms. I was married to a man who was a wonderful husband and father who exhibited some odd behavior after we had been married for around 10 years. He was depressed at times which I attributed to his job and the hours he worked. The one thing that bothered me the most was we either had “feast or famine” at our house. I couldn’t understand this because he had a good paying job and we were always able to meet our expenses. I was even able to stay at home to raise our children. His symptoms worsened over the next few years and I didn’t recognize the bitter, cynical, angry, controlling man he became or the spending sprees he went on. Finally after a bad reaction to medication, he crashed big time and had to be hospitalized. The doctors suspected several causes including a stroke and it wasn’t until a neurologist was consulted who called in a psychiatrist to evaluate my husband that he was finally diagnosed. Getting him on a regimen of medications was really difficult but finally he was put on a medication which worked well until he built up
until he built up a tolerance for it and we were on the “merry-go-round” again until the right medications kicked in.
The down side was, whenever he felt like himself again, he refused to take the medications and we lived like that for years. He had to take an early retirement based on his disability and I had to seek psychiatric care because of my severe depression. I became his full-time care-giver after he suffered a stroke. He was difficult to live with and once he recovered from the first stroke, I developed an ulcer which caused me to be hospitalized from a massive bleed-out. When I was able to be released from the hospital, I moved into an apartment & refused to move back home until he agreed to stay on the medications.
I moved back and he suffered two more strokes, eventually dying from
pneumonia. We were married for almost 43 years and the last 23 were pure hell.
posted June 9, 2008 at 6:02 pm
I empathize with the MB. My husband and I have the same familial background as you. I am extroverted by nature and my husband is ( I think extremely) introverted.
But it took me quite a while to “seek help” and to discover that I have clinical depression.
I “coped” by staying busy (but not so focused) I laughed a lot and cried plenty ( “tender hearted” my mom said) People simply don’t know what to make of various behaviors my friends seemed to accept me. but my best friend told me the truth about the mood swings and how she saw my coping as more of a cover up that wasn’t working so well.
As for you sister and brother, make boundaries that you keep. Decide not to defend yourself against their ignorance. YOu can only change the way you think and people use labels for many purposes. Don’t get “triangulated!” Mental health has a long way to go before it even gets to the don’t ask don’t tell stage. So what… no one can make you uncomfortable unless you let them.
On medication I still have a full range of emotions, but I can tell when “I dip” into a clouded version of my reality. I get overwhelmed and stop struggling with an idea of needing to keep moving. Not the way I want to function. Unfortunately I have developed some poor ways of coping…disorganized (oh but I can find the bill in the stack over there) never mind the amount of time wasting it takes to find that bill. I am
needing to assess what is important and I am trying to put into place “structure” of everything from time to space. Can I still be funny and creative even within stuctured time and space…sometimes even more so. Am I happier? yes Is it work? yes and may always be…but with the medication and doctor support I know and care for my self better than ever. I am a great person living with and managing clinical depression.
On one hand it sounds as though you and your spouse have an understanding of your behaviors and an acceptance. So what is there to change? “Depression is the norm for our society” a label that doesn’t make “depression” right for any one individual. the only reason to look at being clinically depressed and seeking help would be to get to a base line from which your life can closer resemble the life you want and deserve.
posted June 9, 2008 at 7:09 pm
Therese,
I so appreciate your article on coping with a bipolar loved one.Recently
my best friend was diagnosed.I myself suffer with depression and OCD.
Your pointers are simple,yet not simplistic. I consider myself a good listener,most the time so that comes in handy.I have been reading about bipolar more lately and that has helped.I empathize with my friend to a great degree,of course we don’t always agree.I will learn more and God willing be able to offer help when I can. Thanks for the wonderful work.
Liti
posted June 9, 2008 at 8:03 pm
I have a family member who I think is Bipolar and also a friend who suffers from the disease. I live in Los Angeles. California where is a
WRAP CENTER that My friend and family member could participate in
posted June 9, 2008 at 8:15 pm
I have suffered with bi-polar since I was in high-school. I never was diagnosed until 1993, that’s when my Husband of 25 years walked out on me. My disease cost me almost everything. We are not in touch at all and he doesn’t see his grandchildren as often as he should. He remarried 2 months after our divorce was finaled. I had several break-downs that year. I really didn’t care to live, I thought he was my reason for living. I also feel at times that I am well and don’t think I need to take my meds. but I now know it is just a scam, no meds, no victory. I now live alone and I am trying to survive on my disability. Times are sometimes hard and the money doesn’t go very far. I also have several physical problems. I feel like a professional patient. But at 58 I have decided Life is worth living.
posted June 9, 2008 at 9:55 pm
I have been married for almost 25 years and my husband is bipolar.I have done everything to keep peace, so much that i am seeing a dr. for depression.he was given pills to help him but all he did was abuse them. last month I had to call his dr and tell him that he should stop the pills because they are gone in less than 24hrs and I spent more times at the ER with him and in A rehab facility visiting him. He is still the same except for the pills. Now it is all about booze again. If anyone has someone like this do not let it go so long.It is a bad dicease and i feel for people with it. Do what the dr. says and don’t abuse those meds. Get whatever help you can and stick with it as long as you have to.
posted June 10, 2008 at 7:33 am
Do you have any insights on supporting bipolar children and teens?
posted June 10, 2008 at 11:18 am
WoW….Thank you for all of your insightful words of wisdom…. I loved reading it all…. It is very hard to find the balancing act of what is my Husbands disease, and what is his “True feeling “..although I know feelings are not factual in reality anyway, I guess I am still in the reacting phase I have been married for 4 years and my husband is lowering his dose of prescribed lithium, because he feels he Has never been “properly Diagnosed.”..Educating myself on the disease process has done some good it still has not changed my reactions toward one of his many episodes….I am affraid he is going down into a spiral at this point and will not do anything with this issue to save himself or his marriage…i have tried to connect with his Dr and I recieved a Very Condesending “patient confidentiality lecture and no positive report” or anything worth holding onto…??? I AM unsure as to this disease being so hell bent on telling Individuals they “don’t have It”???
Tired and alone Mary A
posted June 10, 2008 at 11:42 am
Wow! I’m inpressed with all the comments I read here and although I haven’t being diagnosed bipolar and the doctor just started me on sanax 0.25 last week I think I do have a serious problem that is affecting my marriage. I’m almost happy one minute and really sad or furious the next minute just because something went wrong like getting a busy signal on a phone call or droping a glass full of juice in the floor or hearing my step son’s tv too loud. I don’t want to be like that but I can’t help it and worst of all I don’t want to be taking pills to be relax and sleep more that 4 hours a day. Don’t know what to do beside pray, please help.
posted June 11, 2008 at 9:06 am
Very intersting info and insight on Bi polar… I am bipolar and was diagnoised almost 5 years ago. It does get better and life goes on.. Aida, you said you are taken Xanax .025 mg. I was on that prabally 9 years ago and it did not work for me. I became addicted to it and had to keep uping the dosage to survive without panic attacks. The detox from it was the worst so ,I say be careful with it. There are other great drugs that are not benzodiazapines, meaning non addictive. I love this web sight it has great info….Keep the faith Tricia
posted June 11, 2008 at 9:35 am
My Step Mother is bi-polar & I’m having a hard time dealing with her. At this point, we aren’t talking because she has caused a lot of bad feelings with my family. My Father passed away 6 years ago & I told her I would never keep my children from her, because she is their Grandma no matter what.
I am learning slowly about this disease but it is so hard to stay in her life when she abuses all of us with horrible words.
Any advise?
posted June 11, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Hi,my name is Maria and I,m suffering in evry way ,my husband have all the simptoms of bi-polar but he refuse to go to the doctor because he belive the my 2 daughters 21 and 14 and I are the ones with the problem,i’m to the point of divorce my older daughter have not talk to him for the past 2 weeks and my little one suffer because she is not ready to let her father go and at this point I dont know if I should see for my husband well bein or my kids emotional health please help
posted June 13, 2008 at 1:43 am
I have a 17 year old grandson, he is the oldest of four sons of my daughters. We “think” he may be bipolar. How is bipolar diagnosed? My daughter says it can be done with a simple blood test! Can anyone tell me if this is a facT? My grandson says he is willing to go to a DR. If anyone reads this please share your guidence. This grandson really needs a lot of love and direction, he is not allowed to live with his Mother and has a lot of hurt in this area. God Bless All Amma
posted June 13, 2008 at 2:14 pm
I have read all of the comments posted in this particular e-mail. I am 49 years old, and I am bi-polar, ADHD, PTSD,BPD and have anxiety disorder as well.
Seeing these post really truly describes the life of someone with bi-polar disease. I am certain have caused my family and friends alike lots of anguish, hurt, humiliation, disappointment, and most of all I have passed to them the inability to understand what I am going through.
I am very ill now. I am a full time student at an area college. I also will be working on the campus in the bookstore. I find myself doing things and I am not certain why I am doing them. I have lost my ability to understand why I do anything I do anymore. I think, maybe I am searching for something I will never find.
Communication is key to helping us. We do need that sense of self in order to force oneself to move forward everyday. That sense of self comes from a friend or loved one that you can trust and will be there for you and help you when times are desperate.
Make sure you take any medicines given as directed, do not self medicate under any circumstances! This is a big no-no. If you become unable to get out of bed then you need to see your doctor.
I totally agree in the fact that it does wear on the ones not affected with it to have to deal with the one who does. Always try to remember the reasons you care about this person. Then remember that this is the disease and not whom ever it might happen to be. We can not help our actions, and we for the most part I think, are very high-strung for lack of a better word. We are very unpredictable as to what our behavior will be from one second to the next.
Lots of Prayer always is a must, in a way being bi-polar is like having this evil twin. It lurks in the murky undertones of my troubled mind. Sometimes it wins over and I can not control what my actions will be. But know before hand that anything said or done is not a willful event. It is not something to be controlled. It is painful for everyone envolved. It rips people apart sometimes, it brings feelings of hatred for us at times. It seems like to others that actions can be controlled but they can not be. I have had my own sister to just “snap out of it” she fully believes that I can control these things, she has never bothered to really educate herself on the subject of my disease. She sees it as a sign of weakness, and compared to her I am weak. I am also, still the same person you cared about before I became ill. Please don’t forget this.
I am sorry for such a long post, however, I felt it necessary to say what I needed to and get it out, thank anyone reading this and I hope I may have gave someone some kind of insight on what everday for the most part is like for someone diagnosed as bi-polar, It is very hard, when all we really want is to just like every one else. NORMAL
thanks for the ear, and for the lady with the 17 year old grandson, get him help immediately..
God Bless All
thangs again , I would like to answer any questions that may arise from this post ,,,,,please feel free to e-mail
posted June 14, 2008 at 4:01 am
I live in a place that’s has alleged great medical care. Yet, they treat persons w/ mental health problems very arrogantly and cruelty. No $ , no help! There’s no resources in a land of plenty for people on SSI/ disability that have no family members who’ll stand w/ them! Sorry, .. this is the “reality’ of those in the San Francisco Bay Area-East Bay(Oakland ,Berkeley,San Leandro.CA). It is NOT my intent to cast ….anything on this Web-site! Yet, it pains me greater to read these “cheery” reports about making it; my experience is quite different. And no one can take from me my experiences–FOR THAT IS THE MOST CRUELTY!….. and ,sadly, yes, people try to do that!
posted June 14, 2008 at 6:40 pm
Tragically I’ve lost a diagnosed bi-polar 27 year old daughter. This illness is almost too grave to deal with effectively. I have a second bi-polar daughter. We believe this is absolutely genetic. My own mother was manic depressive which is what this used to be called. My daughter that has this condition is 33 years old. She dwells incessantly on suicide and has to be watched constantly. It’s very very hard on the family. She’s moved back home as a result. She cannot take any stressful situation whatsoever. The biggest problem is that she cannot let go of the past and constantly dwells on her past mistakes and cannot forgive herself. She has no hope of recovery because after seeing a psychiatrist and therapists twice weekly no one seems to be able to prescribe the right combo of medications. She’s just now gone on Lithium. If this doesn’t work we won’t know what to do. This girl just won’t forgive herself. I don’t know what to do other than offer support whenever I can.
posted June 16, 2008 at 3:16 pm
To the individual above my message – bi-polar disorder is definitely genetic. I have it, my father, my 1/2 brother, my aunt and my grandfather all have the disorder. There is ALWAYS hope for recovery. I am 37 now and I found the right psychiatrist after searching for almost 20 years. I now have the right combo of meds and my life is asz “normal” as anyone else. Don’t give up hope…ever. Offer support and FIND the right Dr’s – it makes all the difference! I wish you and your daughter the very best!
posted June 16, 2008 at 11:05 pm
Good advise on preparing for episodes. I’m still learning to cope with 18 yr old daughter, not sure where patterns come from but have had good pyshiatrist for about three years, great therapist but the Psych Dr. has been very concervative with meds. We have been very patient, but now hw wants her to get a another Psychiatrist because of her age and because we suggested to try cymbalta for anxiety and depression. I noticed Nancy mentioned the “RIGHT combo for meds” so true its like your own special recipe for “YOU”. It frustrating because we are having great difficulty trying to find another doctor(preferable female who understands her condition(s). Any ideas on finding the right one??????
posted June 19, 2008 at 12:49 am
Reading this gave me a sense of relief and forgiveness for myself. I am one who suffers from severe bi-polar intertwined with borderline personality disorder and panic anxiety disorder. I have been aware of my illnes for about ten years now. I am 27 years old and have spent as much of my life institutionalized as free. I am continually becoming more stable and the highs and the lows get less dramatic as I continue to fight the battle refusing to give up. I have learned along the way that there is no magical answer for those of us that suffer from this disorder. I have been through soooo… many seminars and programs that gaurantee success. I have worked these programs with everything I had, inside and out,and upside and down. In the beginning of fighting this disease I became frustrated and became more suicidal than ever feeling a deep despair that I could not fight this disease, that I did not have enough strength to kick it in the butt and be done with it forever. As I have continued on this path I have realized that the programs and hospitalizations and rehabs have all been very benificial to me although not one of them on their own could cure me as I had hoped. I have not been hospitalized in over 2 years, and I am staying sober, no narcotics, addictive drugs, or alcohol. I still suffer from the ups and down, and sometimes have extremely emotional days. One week I will be literally needing atleast ten hours of sleep at night and a two hour nap during the day. Then the next week I am sleeping about two to three hours at night and run on full speed all the rest of the time. It can be rough, but it only gets better. This article just reminded me that those little things like loosing my keys or my I.D. or needing extra sleep has nothing to do with my charachter or my morals as a person. I often forget to give myself a break for the struggles that I have. I need to be reminded to ease up on myself. I am learning that beating up on myself emotionally will do more damage to me than anything else.
posted July 22, 2008 at 11:32 pm
Well first of all I thank everybody that posts comments. I know
that it must be very hard talking about past expierences of
what has happened .I too have had My share of bad expierences
due to bypolar . I do not have bypolar,but I lived with a
Person that has this type of illness. The 8 ways to deal with
bypolar ,is very informative and comfortive,helpfull.
Thanks. My Friend is at a hospital now because of Her illness.
She was in the manic stage of the bypolar illness. Now She
has been administered a medication that has slowed Her down
alot. She is not well. She does not eat much and has lost
weight. I agree that the right medication and the right
amount to give to them is hard to figure out. I thing every
Person is different . Having faith , understanding ,
helping,and praying is very important . Along with educating
onesself of such illnesses to cope and help out.
Sincerely,AG
God Bless
posted July 25, 2008 at 7:14 am
What a wonderful job you are doing, reaching out in your own illness, to help others like yourself. God bless you for that. I suffer from the same illness, but have refused all help for the last 10 years, I guesss denial. I will continue to follow your blogs!!!!
posted July 27, 2008 at 11:20 pm
I just found your website for the first time. I have a bipolar friend who lives 3,000 miles away and calls me every time she becomes suicidal. She has tried multiple therapies and medications for most of her life, and nothing has helped her yet. I feel very helpless being so far away. I try to talk her through it and she usually sounds calmer when we hang up, but it’s still upsetting to me that once I hang up with her, I don’t know what she’ll do. She is divorced and is raising two teenage girls. I have a family and a job, so I can’t just pick up and travel whenever these episodes happen.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.
posted July 28, 2008 at 6:59 am
Seven months ago, I met the most incredible man. Our first date lasted 3 days; everything has been absolutely blissful in our relationship since day one. He told me on day one too that he is afflicted with bipolar disorder. However, he takes his medication regularly and is very well informed about his condition. He explained to me how I could support him and I was very good at doing that. I gave him time alone when he was depressed and asked for it, reassuring him that I would just be on the other end of the phone whenever he needed me. I educated myself on bipolar disorder and was very supportive of him. He felt truly loved and supported and told me it’s the best relationship he had ever been in and that he has so much gratitude for it. That he has become a better person for it. He talked to me about getting married and starting a family together. For the first time, he said he was not afraid of having children and preoccupied with not passing on the gene.
When we met he had also just given up drinking and smoking and had decided to live a healthy and better quality life.
He is attentive, romantic, good looking, funny, thoughtful, kind, compassionate, charming & charismatic. Anything anyone could ever want in a relationship.
However a week ago I was overcome by a terrible sense of foreboding. I had so much confidence in our relationship and not for a single moment did I think that it would have anything to do with our relationship.
The next day I found emails and text messages he had been exchanging with an ex lover who now lives abroad and herself about to be married. This had been going on for most of our relationship (five of the seven months we were together) and they were mostly of a sexual nature; also exchanging revealing pictures of themselves with each other. I felt gutted, profoundly disappointed and utterly betrayed. Moreover, the more I asked him about it, the more he lied. I said some very hurtful things to him in my anger. He appeared deeply regretful that he had hurt me; but initially didn’t seem to understand why I considered this behaviour disrespectful to me and our relationship.
After the anger and hurt had subsided, I became concerned for him. He had sobbed so much and we were both very emotional when we broke up. I think he is now entering a manic phase as he told me that. All I feel now is deep concern for his well-being and I so much wish that I could be there to support him through this episode as I care for him so much. He’s already started smoking again. He says when he saw my reaction to the incident, he became scared of me. Before that incident he felt entirely safe with me and trusted me completely. Since then he’s told me lie after lie. This is very painful.
I still love him deeply and wish I could be there for him and take away any pain I had caused him through my angry and harsh words and behaviour. At the time we broke up he had said that he wants to go for counselling to understand why he had betrayed me in the way he did when I meant the world to him. What do I do please?
So far I have gone to see him to apologise for my harsh words and to explain that it was motivated by hurt, anger and disappointment. That I am still a friend and that I care for him as much as before. Also that I will be there should he need my help.
However, I now feel rejected by him as he seems scared of me and is trying to avoid me like the plague. Unfortunately this is hard as we are meant to be doing some work together to complete the building renovations on my house; of which he is the project manager. What should I do please? How do I deal with these feelings of missing him so much?
posted July 28, 2008 at 8:45 am
I have lost the battle for my 9and a half yr marriage, my husband was my life every day. I had to learn about bipolar through the process of living with it and the too late diagnosis. My husband is a wonderful, strong, loving man that was not seen often enough, and who gradually dissappeared into someone I didn’t know. As I learned about the illness, I watched him slip away into the world of deciet and self- medication. I couldn’t find any way to help or get through to him. I endured the mood swings, the highs when I could barely get any rest for myself and the lows where I held him tight through the frightening moments. I’ve come close to loosing my job on occasion because of this, and did loose alot of myself when careing for him became too consuming for me to care for me any longer. I was there when he began going through withdrawels, holding his hand as the guilt and depression took him to the frightening depths of not wanting to go on. And I also experienced the paranoia and anger brought on by misuse of prescription medications and illegal drugs. I became depressed myself when the time came where nothing I did was satisfying to him and I was constantly wrong on all levels. I endured blame, and shame, and guilt, and constant verbal attacks on everything I did. When I came home from work in the mornings, I was afraid when he was home, and I was also afraid if he wasn’t there. I suffered a brief period of infidelity and separation…and yes, she was younger than me… and, yes, I took him back. The next two times he left there wasn’t another woman, it was the drugs that I couldn’t live with. The last time we were together physical abuse began. I knew that after the second time he became violent and laid hands on me and threatened my life, and our lives, and did another line, that I had to make a choice. Staying would destroy both of us, I had to go if either of us were to survive. Six months later I’m still fighting to find the self I lost, and yes, it’s difficult as I still feel that somehow I failed. Logic tells me I did everything I knew how to do. That statistics put bipolars in one of the largest suicidal groups, and that many spouses do not survive the violence. I still love the man that I know is trapped inside of him with all my heart… and I grieve daily for us both.
posted October 3, 2008 at 9:17 pm
Thank you for the 8 helps in living w/ someone who is bi-polar.
I am married to someone diagnosed as bi-polar and soon will be celebrating our 13th anniversary. In reading everyone’s posts,
Tara C. described the disorder head-on, to the T, poetically, in
her paragraph beginning lots of prayer is always a must. My spouse
is in total agreement w/ the truth of her account, and we both
agree w/ how annoying people’s “just snap out of it” solution
really is when they are actually uneducated on the disorder.
I have found that talking with my spouse in advance and going along
on appointment to psychiatrist and having proper consent forms filled
out and plan of action set out on a three-way aggreement ahead of
time of any crisis situation has been very helpful. This has been
set in place with two doctors we have worked with.
We both work well with the 3 days if change for the better has not
occured then it’s time for one of us to call the doc.
Laughter is a wonderful aspect of our relationship. My spouse has a
wonderful sense of humor on the pun side. We laugh or chuckle just
about daily, and frequently give each other loving “gotcha’s.”
Our faith in God, and Jesus Christ, is central in our marriage,
friendship, and life as a couple. We attend a church that believes
in healing prayer, and we are not shy to request and specify our
needs. We have been blessed with wonderful answers, and have
experienced realization of God’s love for us individually and as a
couple. These answers and blessings in no way negates the necessity
to continue with prescribed medications, and in no way means there
will not be future episodes.
One thing I don’t understand is why health insurance does not cover much more than 25 or so visits annually. No limits are placed on diabetics or people with heart disease. Mental illness is at the root of much that is evil and wrong with American culture, and yet so many more advances in treatment of these illnesses need to be made, discovered, studied, and implimented.
I need to do more study into the genetic link of mental illnesses, for I wonder how this may appear in my stepchildrens’ and grandchildren’s lives.
Thanks to everyone for so much honesty. I will certainly return to Beyond Blue, and will keep you in prayer.
+ RMBE
posted October 4, 2008 at 10:41 am
RMBE,
I heard last week in one of my AA meetings (I’m a bipolar alcoholic) that the parody bill for equal benefits for mental illness has finally passed.
I don’t know when or how, but it seems that there is hope out there. It may not help me in paying my $11,000 psychiatric treatment bill because they think I ran out of coverage (outpatiet vs. partial HOSPITAL), but at least, hopefully, others will reap the benefits in the future.
God Bless, Blanche
posted October 8, 2008 at 10:59 pm
TO CAROL, I HAVE BIPOLAR AND MY DAUGHTER IS TO SHE HAS TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE ABOUT THREE TIMES.ME AND MY CHILD WHEN WE GET INTO IT AND JUST SAY REAL UGLY THINGS TO EACH OTHER. SO I’M A VERY SPIRTIUAL PERSON AND IT WAS THINGS I NEEDED TO CHANGE ABOUT ME FIRST SO THAT I COULD SHOW HER. SO I CONTINUED TO PRAY AND HAVE PRAYER AGREEMENTS WITH MY DAUGHTER AND OTHERS WOULD PRAY FOR US ALSO.SO NOW WE PUT GOD FIRST IN OUR LIVES AND WE ARE DOING GOOD PLUS WE AR IN THERAPY. AND WHAT I’M TRING TO SAY IS ASK YOUR FRIEND IF SHE WOULD PRAY WHILE YOU ARE ON THE PHONE WITH HER AND ASK HER TO READ HER BIBLE DAILY AND GOD TO REMOVE THAT SPIRIT FOM HER.IT WORKED FOR US AND I KNOW AND HAVE FAITH THAT IT WILL WORK FORYOU AND YOUR FRIEND ALSO.AND ASK HER TO PRAY WITH HER 2 TEENAGED GIRLS. AND BELIEVE AS SHE IS PRAYING. GOD IS REAL AND HE LOVES US ALL REGARDLESS OF OUR PROBLEMS. I’M ALSO IN MY CHURCH CHIOR AND I LOVE SERVING MY GOD! HE’S AMAZING AND HE CAN MAKE YOUR WHOLE LIFE CHANGE IF YOU JUST LET HIM IN YOUR HEART, MIND, AND SOUL. I WILL BE IN PRAYER FOR ALL OF YOU.KEEP YOUR HEAD UP!! SHIRLEY
posted October 10, 2008 at 3:35 pm
I’m 36 years old and I have bipolar disorder along with manic depression. I was first diagnoised with regular depression over 15 years ago when i was a teenager. But finally when i hit 20 they found out it was bipolar instead. I have been on so many medications its like Im in a zombie stage most of the time. I take prozac,seraqual,buspar,klonipan,depakote er. Its very hard to live with bipolar I have my good days and bad. There are sometimes I break out crying for no reason at all and then my mood swings are just from hell. I have 4 kids ages 19-18-11-7 and I think they feel like they have to walk on eggshells because of my temper.But my oldest son is the fuel of it. He yells back at me when i get mad with him and then I go into a PI *personal injury* . Thats when I go into the bathroom and get my stuff out which is a razorblade and washcloth and cut myself. It is the ONLY way I get instant relief.I used to do it on my left arm but to many people noticed and i didnt want to hit a vein or anything so I started using my right thigh. The only problem is I have been getting deeper and deeper. Sometimes it is bad enough for a few stiches but I just put a butterfly on them and they heal.Im not trying to kill myself let me make that clear. I just feel its my only way out for pain. Almost like i deserve to be punished. If anyone you love has this condition just be patient with them and love them. Its very hard to live with this. And I know it may get aggervating but you have to understand we didnt choose to have this. Its something we are born with. If any of you have teenagers that do the si don’t yell at them it will only make it worse just be there for them. Talk to them. I hope my story helps someone.
posted October 12, 2008 at 6:54 pm
I was diagnosed with bi-polar 7 years ago, but unfortunately, didn’t believe it. I then married a man with undiagnosed adhd, who had rage,lack of motivation and trouble understanding me. I fell into the role of co-dependant, and concentrated on getting him better although at the time, I didn’t know what he had. When he was finally diagnosed, much damage had been done. He had verbally abused me, by yelling and threatening me many times. But when he got on meds, it somewhat changed. He wasn’t completely responsible when it came to his meds, and I had to tell him several times to continue to take it. Now, a couple of years later, he’s being abusive again, and says he’s miserable, this time blaming it on my bi-polar. Little does he know that his lack of responsibily with his condition, caused me to suffer all the more with mine, which thus caused a vicious cycle with us.
I’m at the end of my rope. Being a Christian, I don’t believe in divorce, but when you live with someone who speaks a complete differant language than you, what can you do? Any advice? God Bless.
posted November 16, 2008 at 2:29 am
My girlfriend is Bipolar, and i have been searching for anything to help. But i just want to say that this has been one of the most helpful articles out there!!! The comments most of all, have been encouraging, uplifting and so much more!! Were not married like most of the people that have commented or are probably reading this but the advice you all have givin helps just the same and i thank you all so very much, most of all RMBE. Prayer has helped us so much and even though everything is not perfect, we know that God has his plan and everything will be ok. Thank you all for the advice and help that you all have shared here!!
Thankful
posted November 16, 2008 at 2:52 am
PS: Please Help
I have a quick question, My girlfriend whenever she gets into one of her episodes she becomes very depressed and just wants to stay in bed forever!! I do all of the eight help ways listed above, iv done them even before i started reading into and getting educated about it. But sometimes it just doesnt work, i try to encourage her and lift her up when i dont know what else to do. What else can i do to help pull her out of these episodes?? She gets them very often when she becomes stressed or has any kind of anxiety.
Thankful
posted August 20, 2010 at 9:31 am
A lovely and caring article with so much good advice (…and thanks for mentioning my book!) Cheers!
posted August 21, 2010 at 4:07 am
I’m 43 and was recently told, one again, that I have a form of bipolar. I’ve been told this a few times in my life but, for whatever reasons, did not want to accept it or felt I could “control” it. Unexpected losses over the past few years, & especially this past year, forced my hand. I knew if I didn’t seek assistance I would cease to exists – literally & figuratively. I am in the process (day 5) of adding medication to my life. This will be a life long commitment for me. So much of what was written by the author about her husband is true. The spoling for a fight, the nastiness that comes out of seemingly nowhere & is lobbed repeatedly at those with in any sort of striking distance. I am hoping, once medicated and with therapy, I am able to find a balance & stop the rollercoaster ride that is making me sick & hurting those around me. This site coupled with depressionforum.org has been a life saver for me in may ways. You have no idea how good it feels to know I am truly not alone in this journey. My only regret is I did not accept this diagnosis earlier in my life. If I had, I would’ve saved myself from falling & demolishing many personal & professional relationships.
posted August 22, 2010 at 12:58 pm
can I add one more? don’t blame someone else’s mental challenges for your own bad moods, words, actions, etc.
posted August 30, 2010 at 9:47 am
I was diagnosed many years ago with bi-polar before I got sick I was doing great,I lived with my shrink for 10 years in a romantic relationship alot of things happened I ended up having a breakdown. I was in and out of mental institutions for 10 years on psychtropic meds for 26 years 850 mg daily went off cold turkey with help of a nd. now my life has fallen down around me. I fly off the handle for no reason I am not taking any medications they have a horrid affect on me, I dont sleep I dont eat and all I do is cry. I dont have any highs at all I mainly just hide in my room,dont go out dont see anyone and my drs dont know this is going on I keep my mouth shut.
I am scheduled for another surgery it will be my 4th 10 months in a skilled nursing home and wheelchair actually I need 2 surgeries one requires a 3 week stay in skilled nursing home with 3 months recovery time. I just relocated to Washington from alaska for health reasons I had been living in Seattle when I had all the surgeries 3 weeks upon discharge from last nursing home my father died he came home terminal paralyzed hospice I was his round the clock caregiver now I have no family at all left and no support group. My main support group is in alaska
Could someone please offer some suggestions thank you
Terry
posted August 30, 2010 at 1:24 pm
American caner society. your local hospital and ther are several hospice organizatrions that can help you.
posted August 31, 2010 at 1:52 am
I will share the best advice I ever got but hated to hear.
You must go back on your meds! I have other disabilities in
in addition to the chemical imbalance/mood disorder.
Taking meds has its side effects however, the emotional and
psych discomfort are not only near impossible to bare but unnecessary.
I was diagnosed over two years ago, I tried to go just the psychotherapeutic route, while helpful, it needed some
tweaking. I know that I needed more than talk/counseling.
C.B.T. helped me to recognize my own patterns of dysfunctional
thinking. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is priceless insight into learned emotional responses that can be retrained.
I learned from my very patient and clever doctor, ways to recognize and slow down the highs and pull myself up out of the lows. They still
happen, but using the L.A.D.D.E.R., Read “The New Mood Therapy”
I can clearly see my part in my own drama. I tried dozens of approaches but please try different meds until you find the best fit and a good therapist, that isn’t timid or maverick about exposing your habits in a “tough love” manner. Accepting hopelessness, gives it residency or squatters rights in you self-perception.
Would you leave an arsonist in your home with your child, while you were at work?
I look at “hopelessness” as a dangerous intruder that my emotions
will not answer or open the door for.
Many Prayers a hopelessness survivor
I
posted August 31, 2010 at 9:05 am
Being a middle-aged adult with bipolar, I found this to be very enlightnening and helpful. Thanks so much. The Lord has given me the stength to be a single Mom and the manager of a small dept. at a local supermarket. I am so grateful for the absolutely beautiful friends that the Lord has provided for me who listen. I live with my 10 year old daughter and I am sure it can be trying at times for her to live with my bipolar mood swings. The Lord has given me so many blessings. With His help, Philippians 4:13 can become a reality in anyone’s family dealing with bipolar. Thank you so much for this publication. It gives me some strength to know that other Christians struggle with and cope with this dibilitating disease.
Mary Anne, yours is the only comment that I have had time to read. I will say a prayer for you. God will see you through this time, of this I am sure.
God Bless,
Carrie
posted September 1, 2010 at 11:27 am
i believe i am either non compatible with my husband or i am just so stubborn and proud to even consider being bi-polar,because i am very vindictive and do not discuss or resolve issues or problems with simple conversation,instead i do vindictive things that i know ill upset my spouse,example being my husband did not want a dog and during one of our fights iwent and got a puppy without any discussion.i also threaten him with text messages when he is at work or away from the house telling him mean things and stating i want him to move out,then when he comes home i dont have any such discussions about our marriage,we have a 5 yr.old daughter& for her well being would like to keep her in a stable family unit,but i am not intimate with my husband at all,and he has just emotionally&physically removed himself from our relationship,he claims because i have ut him on an emotional roller coaster for 4 yrs. that he has just decided for his own sanity,to just not get to high or to low and just co exist.he has and insists that we need marriage counseling,because we have no COMMUNICATION at all in terms of our relationship,and i dont want to deal with it or talk about it i instaed would rather just do things to spite him.i really wish he would just leave but i cant stand the thought of him with somebody else,i would never even admit this otr talk about it,but i know something has to br wrong with me because i am unable to have a rational conversation about anything invilving a difference of opinion
posted September 15, 2010 at 3:05 pm
OMG!!! IT was between being nice all the time and not fighting and living my bipolar husband’s life or my sanity. I chose my sanity and divorced him and am the happiest person in the world now, who finally gets to spend a day on herself!!
posted September 15, 2010 at 3:14 pm
Forgot to mention I was married for 24years and could no longer take the anger, physical abuse, mental abuse, financial abuse, verbal abuse and his constant moaning about himself. He never bought me a gift, a flower, or took me anywhere, and was fired from multiple jobs. You can only take so much BIPOLAR and I was sick of it, real sick of it.
posted September 18, 2010 at 5:20 am
Pretty good post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed reading your blog posts. Any way I’ ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you post again soon.
posted November 2, 2010 at 2:16 am
Although bipolar disorder symptoms are not something that can be made to go away they can be controlled with the proper treatment. In most cases this treatment consists of counseling and medication however in more minor cases it may be done with only one or the other of these treatment options instead of both.
Bipolar disorder symptoms
posted November 13, 2010 at 12:54 am
My girlfriend switched medication and now she is always depressed its been two weeks like this. So two days ago she thought I wanted to break up with her. I told her no and she just started not talking to me so I got mad and told her she needs to sit down and think if she wants to put me through this. Now she mad and won’t really talk to me only through txt and is thinking about breaking up with me. Please help me