Good list, Therese. I think it is important to note as well that therapists should also help you develop coping strategies, tools, techniques. If you are talking about a reoccurring issue, the therapist should be helping you not only talk about it, but strategize to approach the situation in a healthy way. It was helpful to talk about my anxiety and fear about my surgical procedure in early February, but it was far more helpful when my therapist said, “It sounds like your self-talk is running away with you. How can you re-frame some of these thoughts to be productive and how can you make sure your needs are met?”

So true Therese. Thanks for posting! I certainly agree with the journey of pain getting worse before it gets better! Oh yeah! That is a given!!!!!

Just have to say, if we can figue all that stuff out, (you included),’then who needs a theapist, just buy a empty notebook, or diary and write away to your hearts content

These are good suggestions. I am a psychotherapist working for over twenty years. Sometimes I have someone come in who had one or more bad experiences in the past, similar to what Therese is talking about. I compare it with the second or third marriage where you are getting the defensiveness, suspiciousness,etc. leftover from the prior relationships.
But, if the connection is good enough, the fear can be overcome and replaced with a more positive attitude. I don’t think that things always have to get worse before they get better. Good counseling is always so individual oriented. But when there’s been problems festering for a long time unattended to, that can be very true. I’ve seen this more with couples than individually.
Thanks for the practical ideas about therapy.

I’m more or less with Cathy on this.
To me therapy is of marginal value. The reason being is that, despite some recent advances, e.g. the discovery of serotonin and dopamine and their effects on the brain, science still does not have a clue as to how the mind works. Or what to do when it is broken.
As for myself, I’ve seen much better results from my own self help efforts, specifically using advice from others that match my observations about life, than I got from 4 years of therapy.

I am a licensed and board certified therapist and also a credentialed life coach. I loved this article and thank you so much for sharing. So much of it rings true. A therapist is there to provide a service to a client! With best wishes, Debra

She fails to mention that while you are experimenting with all this you are paying $ 100. an hour and getting very little for the money. For the cost of a few sessions you can get alot of programs to listen to at home or while you are driving that are very helpful. I have spent a ton on therapy (that would have been better spent on a restful vacation) that just made me feel worse. These people are not held accoutable for results and in many cases are just plain full of it. Try Joe Vitale’s programs on clearing and achievement. He is amazing, affordable and convenient. He also offers a refund if you are not happy with the results. No therapist is good enough to offer that. Because they are useless.

Funny thing about therapy…Several I have wondered who was theraping who. I have worked with a lot of different ones and I still havnt figured out what it was any of them were getting at. I know Im not stupid but, sometimes I wondered…and I still say s–t is a feeling. Thanks for the support. Oh ya what is a URL I am green as grass on this.

I have been in therapy for over 3 years for clinical depression, Fibromyalgia, plus growing up in a very disfunctional family and spent alot of my adult years without my family because of the issues i my childhood. The gal I see is awesome. Last year when my mom died of lung cancer without making amends even though I went to her, my therapist was my savior. She called me while I was at the hospital to make sure I stayedd true to myself and not get sucked back into the disfunction of my family. I couldn’t have done it without her and I look forward to seeing her every week. She was also a huge help last August when I reunited with my daughter that I haven’t seen after giving her up for adoption 27 years ago. I feel like someitmes she is my best friend and other times know she has a job to do but she goes above and beyond her call of duty. God Bless her!!!! And I have told her so many times!!!!

A number of people who posted feel therapy isn’t worth the effort and they can do better on their own. More power to you!
I think you get out of therapy, what you are willing to put in.
I’ve been in therapy for a little of 10 years and I’m not sure I would be here today without the caring and understanding of my first therapist. We had our bumps along the way but we worked through them and sometimes that meant using an IOP program that I was going to, to help me work through some feelings that I didn’t understand.
Maybe it also depends on what issues you are dealing with. I have been dealing with issues from my childhood. It’s something that keeps coming back depending on the situations in your life. Yes, you get better but you never really know what is going to “hit” you the wrong way and cause you problems.
Therapy is for those who want to use it and with the right therapist you’ll be able to work through your issues.

I hear a lot of people talk about how there are “up and downs,” “bumps in the road,” and “conflicts with my therapist.”
I have been with the same therapist for over six years and we fight all the time. It doesn’t feel good at the time we are fighting, but once we discuss the problem, make up, and move forward, it seems that our relationship is stronger than before. My therapist and I have both come to believe that our relationship itself is the therapy. I kind of use my therapist as a guinea pig and our relationship as a practice run, since I haven’t been this open with anyone before. Is the fighting a normal part of therapy or are we just mismatched? Or have I just been seeing him for too long? (although we’ve been fighting and making up since the beginning).
Any insight would be helpful.

I am on 2 waiting lists to speak with a therapist. Unfortunately, some in my family, especially those close to me, don’t believe I have a problem. Is this the norm?

Many don’t believe in therapy and family can be the hardest to even be open to it maybe because we want them to support us in what we are doing in our life to better ourselves & they think we are crazy or they are stuck in their ways and blind to your needs. You know what you need and how what you have been doing hasn’t fixed anything.You know when it’s time to find another way.

I have been blessed to have found a wonderful therapist; but after many trails to do so. A good therapist is compassionate, yet helps you, discover how you can learn and grow. We have to live in our own skins no matter why we are in therapy. I hope the person who posted and is on the waiting list to speak with a therapist finds a good one that doesn’t tell you what you want to hear but compassionately and objectively helps you understand how you respond or have responded to things in the past and helps you release. I agree with Laurie that familys are blind to our needs. Why would you care if your family doesn’t support your need to be in therapy. Sounds like that’s just a reason to seek it, and approval from others is not what you need. Hope you all find the support they need and listen to themselves and learn to discern a good therapist as well. My therapist questions me alot and really helps me understand myself and is happy to see my progress. I don’t have to see her as much anymore and she is happy about that as well. Hope we all find our way to the inner peace we are seeking. Wishing you all healing, Angel

Is it better to just tell your therapist and spouse that “the marriage relationship is over” and move on with your lives, or continue sessions that seem pointless when both know that there’s no hope? And, how do you take the first steps to resolving joint ownerships of property? Can and will the therapist assist with that, if they believe that their purpose is to attempt to “rejoin” the marriage?

I was thinking about stopping therapy to take a break but after looking at this great list, I think it would be best if I continue. I have to tell you though, it’s almost one of the scarriest things I’ve ever done.

I’ve never found a therapist that I thought was effective. I’ve been to four different therapists over the last 10 years. Only one of those four helped me develop strategies to deal with fear, anxiety and low self esteem. It seems like there should be clear objectives set at the beginning and a plan developed to meet those objectives. My experience is that we spent too much time just rehashing things and not working on coping skills. I have gone more of the self help route through books, CDs and websites. I’ve also found meditation to be quite helpful. There is an excellent series on Oprah’s website now call the “One Minute Meditation” which covers each day in April. The link is at the top. Good luck my friends!

I love what you’ve written/posted today! It’s a great set of reminders, especially for people new to therapy or those ready to throw in the towel!
I have seen more therapists than I care to counts in the last 25 years. Some of them have been downright cruel, but I was a teenager and it seemed like teenage drama when I would repeat what the therapist had said, so I had to keep going. However, just over 10 yrs ago I found one and she is incredible! I never felt so comfortable with anyone, even from day one. She has stuck with me through the worst of times, when I’m sure she gets frustrated with me because I’m not motivated and the best of times when progress seems to come easily. We’ve worked out being angry with each other and I’ve lived to tell about it (without giving up). I was not raised to “do” feelings and she is the only person safe enough for me to express them, especially working through anger in a good way. She will help me to re-work my thinking and is a Christian so will use the Bible as a frame-work in which to do that. She has used multiple techniques with me and told me of her treatment plan so I know what her goals are and asks me if I’m on board with everything. She keeps me up to date with her theory of me and what is going on, or if a “diagnosis” had been clarified or altered. Trust me, it’s not an easy thing – and she will be the first to say that. Those words are comforting, they let me know that she doesn’t expect me to be “all better” in a few sessions. Believe me, nothing about this is perfect. She’s not perfect, but neither am I. We are all just human. We keep plugging away and right now, she is trusting me to contact her when I’m not safe. It’s a long process sometimes and insurance doesn’t understand that. If you can afford it, the process is worth its weight in gold when you find the right person!

I think it is possible to “out grow” your therapist. By this I mean, you can take a therapist to the limit of their ability or experience or training. When that happens, then new choices can be made. The therapist may choose to own their limits and suggest you move on … and this is not an easy place to experience … or you may recognise that you are movin beyond what this therapist is able to do or go. Either way, it is time to find another therapist who fits your current needs.
I have had this experience several times and in hindsight, have benefited from moving on to a new therapist. Also, another benefit is that sometimes the relationship becomes stale and since I was committed to my growth, I needed to put me first. Going through the loss, grief and change, was also an experience that provided learning for me, when making these changes. This reflected how life really is, full of losses and changes. I have been fortunate to have had new therapists who could help with these processes.
This has worked for me on my journey.

Excellent post. I love the comparison with a pap test, all too true!
I feel that there is a lot to be said for therapy. It might not always be pleasant at the time, but it is one of those things where the end result often justifies the unpleasantness or pain throughout.
Also some therapy can be fun and stimulating. The answer may be to explore some new ideas. Has anyone heard of EMDR? I hadn’t until recently. It stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is a simple technique that works quickly to reduce the anxiety and distress associated with upsetting memories, thoughts, or experiences.
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I must be an oddball because going to therapy is the highlight of my week. I have always been an introspective person, so exploring my thoughts and emotions seems natural to me. This time, what makes it a pleasure instead of a chore is that I have finally found a therapist who is a perfect fit for me. Unfortunately, I have also had to deal with the other kind. You know – the ones that make you worse than when you went in. The one I ran into thought it would be helpful to confront me. It was our first session and I was just barely holding it together. He said to me, “I see lots of people that are much worse off than you; you don’t have any reason to be depressed”. It was just what I didn’t need at that point – more guilt.
Years later, the memory of that bad experience continued to influence me. I tried to convince myself and my GP that antidepressants alone would be enough to take care of my recurring depression. We had to try several, and each time I would turn down the doctor’s suggestion that I go talk with someone. Finally, I couldn’t stand the pain any longer so I went.
That’s when I started with my current therapist. I always feel much better after I’ve seen him, even if I’ve spent the whole session crying. This is the good kind of crying; the cleansing, healing kind. This man has helped me grow and change. I’ve learned how depression tricks you into seeing life in distorted ways without you even realizing it. By accepting the things about me that I thought were the worst, he lifted a burden off of my shoulders I didn’t even realize was there. I will be forever grateful for his expertise, caring and patience.
I’m not claiming that every session of therapy produces an epiphany. Actually, it is good that it doesn’t. I need time to absorb the things I’ve discovered; to practice new behaviors until they become second nature. On my own, it would be all too easy to stumble at the first difficulty and fall back into my familiar but self-defeating ways. That’s why I feel so lucky to have a therapist who doesn’t give up on me and who constantly reminds me of how far I’ve come. The work we’ve done together has changed my life; one might even say…saved it.