That was an awesome story! Thank you for sharing! I understand everything you feel, felt, and said, and can relate to it. God bless you!

Absolutely, if I didn’t know better I might think I wrote much of that.

The final paragraph says it all. BUT, it’s time to make room for other things in life. Maybe contribute to life. Graduate School was exhausting for me; no time to think beyong the next assignment and holding down a job. A lot of us are in a rat race. We must take time to breathe and observe the world. The tide of life can sweep us into into obliviion. Take time to step out of the current and maybe swim against it. Answers may not be found, but then you will be giving yourself a chance to discover. Our culture holds so much against one finding inner peace. Redicover, Merton, Nowen, poetry. music ,etc.
Find a guide. Your situation is not unique, but you are. You are not alone.
What really is success anyway? What will define ourselves?
Sorry to be preachy.

You may never get There until you pass. But not because of any fault of yours. That is what Easter is about. What He did for you! He did the hard part so you wouldn’t have to. None of us in our own strength can get there. We have to surrender and that is where the power comes from. I can do all things through Christ….

What a great post Therese! My favorite to date. This story is a testament to your faith. I thank you for sharing your deep trials.
By doing that you help us know that we are not alone and that in our darkest moments, blind faith can still save us.

I pray for you to find your relationship with God again…it IS still there.

This post was a reflection on exactly what I have been going through for some time, now. Not so much the depression, I have been getting treatment for that for more than 15 years. But the faith struggle! You put my feelings into words so eloquently, thank you! I feel your struggle and share it deeply!su

This post was a mirror reflection of me. I have battled major depression for years. I have tried to figure out why my faith doesn’t pull me out of it. Thank you! This has really helped me.

You’re quite fine my dear. I would say that you have become fed up with the Illusion of an un-real concept of God. Your relationship with your Father can never be broken. It is what you are. PEACE and LOVE

I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND BECAUSE I FEEL THE SAME WAY.EVERYTHING JUST SEEMS SO USELESS.

Reading these words…it was like reading my own journal. I have felt so isolated from my own faith. I know God is there…I talk to Him regularly and ask him to draw me closer to Him again (James 4:8). Trying to explain this feeling to someone isn’t easy. Now I know there are others that are struggling in a way that the people closest to me just don’t comprehend. Thank you for sharing your plight so eloquently, so honestly. God uses us all for the purpose of accomplishing His will…your essay brings me comfort…calms my breaking heart…brings tears to my eyes because there is someone who understands and they aren’t giving up either. I’m so tired of being lost. Thank you for helping me find a little bit of hope too.

That is not how I feel at all. I don’t feel like the Life Force I choose to call God has left me nor has he/she ever left me. I feel like I am in a classroom getting my latest lesson.
What I miss is being able to talk aloud to my God and scream out to Him for Grace and Guidance. I miss Mother Nature, the ability to walk around in the grass and see squirrels and butterflies and bees.
If you want to call that depression, go with it.
I choose to call it waiting for the Invincible Summer.

How I can so identify with this. I have captured this as a similar cry of the “thorn in the flesh” that Paul repeatedly asked to be removed, yet God said “my grace is sufficient…” However, I can say that this thorn that I’ve been gifted with has kept me close to Jesus…fully dependent some days…fully in need of His word in my heart to even get through some days!! And every so often there is the sounds of a bird, a fragrance that passes by, a flower that calls out to distract my overwhelmed mind to just come…come and recognize ME He says!! The wind is the breath that he blesses me with even when I had wished he would take it from me but He continues me on to whatever His path has for me. Thank you for sharing and giving relief to those of us that also believe but would only be more ridiculed for having a lack of faith when in fact we Love Him with all of our heart and He knows it and chooses to carry us on when others have already pushed us to the curb!

Thank you for putting into words my own struggle — I can see I’m ready for the next “incarnation” of the divine in my life, but “the waiting is the hardest part.” Opening to grace may be the key. Thanks again.

Peter 1: 8&9, ” You love him, although you have not seen him, and you believe in him, although you do not now see him. So you rejoice with a great and glorious joy which words cannot express, because you are receiving the salvation of your souls, which is the purpose of your faith in him.”
I can totally relate to this post. I have felt like this for years on end at times. Faith is the key. I urge anyone reading this to see this website:
http://www.elementtucson.org/philosophy/beliefs/art-wh
It is an excellent source to help you put your life in perspective.
“Whatever it is, each one of us – somewhere, somehow – will suffer and that doesn’t seem like a wonderful plan when you’re in the middle of the pain!
It doesn’t compute that the God who created this universe could rescue, could heal, could renew, could restore – but He doesn’t. But why won’t He? There is no reason for this happening! It doesn’t make sense and so, like Job’s wife, we get angry, frustrated and cynical.
To make matters worse we move away from the very thing that can give us life and hope. It’s like a vine that has grown up on the side of a house. You don’t want to rip the vine off – it could pull the paint off. So you make a quick cut at the base of the vine and just wait. Soon the leaves turn brownish then brown. They eventually fall away and soon the vine follows. Why? You removed the source of life!
The same thing happens when we remove ourselves from God in a crisis. We lose touch with God, doubt rises up and before you know it, doubt turns into disillusionment and then to despair. Life seems to stop; all the joy is gone! “

How simply amazing that this piece should be in my inbox this evening. I choose not to elaborate…….but, “Yes, the ashes have been perfect this year, and there are more to come. What a humbling yet glorious trip to Jerusalem!”

you got fingers too put the ash on maybe be happy for the money too go too school on good luck with the d p s thay suck but god is allways thare

Thank you for expressing this reality to the viewers, because that is what it really is, “a personal natural reality”. You can accept this reality or maybe accept your “own spiritual reality” that Christ gave his life for thousands of year ago. The spiritual reality is this: that you are were healed many years ago; think on things that are lovely, just, pure, of a good report, etc.; that this is a temporary state of being, that renewing your mind to this spiritual reality will result in changes in your natural reality; that his blood covers all sickness, diseases (including depression) and any and all pressures. It’s important to continue to wait on him and have faith in his covenant promises. You can get to whereever you want to be, just continue to walk in truth. He sincerely delights in truth in the inward parts. Love Maggie

This has so much truth in it and it really was stating what I have been feeling for oh so long. I often wonder why God has put myself and my direct family through so much pain, so much anguish, so it is so very hard to explain that I know that God is watching over us. That even though I know God opens one window when he closes another, and that God helps those who help themselves, but…. how long is too long. I just keep praying and waiting.

On top of my depression and anxiety that I am trying so desperately to combat without medication, I am also going through a real crisis of faith like the woman in this post. Like her, all I can do is fall back on grace because I don’t believe in much of anything anymore.
I’m glad I found this forum – even though I don’t always agree with everything said here, it’s important to me to hear what others are going through so I don’t feel so alone and afraid. Thank you, Therese.

On top of my depression and anxiety i forced myself to have sport. This is the best solution for me and for all people. It my opinion.

One of the best pieces I have heard/read on depression and faith is a podcast titled: “The Soul in Depression” on the “Speaking of Faith” program with Krista Tipett on American Public Media. The podcast is available for free on the Speaking of Faith website.

Thank you for sharing this with us. So, many are afraid to express there true feelings due to being stigmitized.

Thank you for putting into such beautiful words the pain and agony inside me. I know that my depression is a mental illness, not a lack of faith, but that knowledge doesn’t ease the guilt. I have the opposite problem many of my friends have had when they’ve struggled with their faith-I know in my head God is real but I can’t reconcile that knowledge with the empty void I feel in my heart. There is no divine presence for me, no one answering back when I pray, not even the feeling that someone is listening as I beg for relief. Thank you for helping me. I feel like I’m one step closer to finally getting better.

After going through 20+ years of major depressive episodes I empathize with you all on your journey. I just want to all to realize that there are people who have made it through the emotional hell our bodies have given us and have come out on the other side (pardon the cliche)where there is “light”. I urge you to continue to hope, pray, or whatever it takes to hold on. Life can be good! Some of us just have to work harder at it. God Bless.

Oh, dear God, thank You for this post. Like so many others, this put into words that which I am unable to put into words. I’ve never been able to understand why I feel I “can’t” pray. It is the depression and anxiety and I am so tired and weary, it honestly hurts to think, to read, to pray.
Most times, the only prayer I can muster is, “please help.” And he has answered this prayer today by providing this post to comfort me and make me feel just a little less alone.

That was a most powerful post that hit so close to home. After 3 years of personal loss I have struggled with my faith and just can not seem to reconnect. I now know that I am not alone with this struggle and that there is hope. Just being aware that other people have these feelings is comforting and this helps me know that I will survive and God is always there. Hopefully this is one more step for me to reconnect with the Lord and my faith. Thank you for a true inspirational post.

Thanks for sharing.

This is so well-written. Thank you for such honest sharing! I have heard it said that depression is the only illness that makes a spiritual life almost impossible, the only illness that separates you from God instead of connecting you with God. I hope that is some comfort for you, that this lack of connecting with God goes with the territory. My one comfort, and I try to remind myself often, is that even though I feel differently about God, he hasn’t changed. He is always who he has. He can’t change. That is one of his attributes. Thank you for sharing so honestly from your heart. May your depression lift and may you someday connect with God in an even more powerful, real way than you ever have before.

Thank You so much Therese. Sharing this blog with us is so meaningful. This writer exactly expresses my situation and I thought I was the only one who feels this way.
It has been 2 years since I have wanted to go to church or participate in other church activities. I was wondering if it was the depression I have had for the last 2 1/2 years or just a new door opening for me.
I find God close to me but in another sense, like a strong presence reinforced by my daily prayer online with a Jesuit monastery site.
I also had a traumatic work situation that led in part to this disorder.

Written after unspoken words of my own heart and mind. Thank you.

Thank you for this openly honest article. There have been times during my anxious episodes that I would open my bible for comfort, only to find that I became more anxious. Sometimes we expect an automatic sense of relief and when that doesn’t happen, we become more anxious and depressed than before. It does become a very hard cycle to overcome. I definitely go through phases where I feel too tired to pray… like it takes a lot of effort/energy right? But to the depressed/anxious person, there is a constant challenge to stay connected. I really enjoy articles that are raw and honest because this is putting the truth and reality out there and will hopefully provide comfort for us that suffer with these feelings.
Thank you!

I can relate all too well to what the writer is going through. I am at the point where I feel that anxiety and depression has completely taken over my life. I no longer enjoy many things in life that I used to love. Everyday, all day, I have those same feeling of anxiety. I think and fear the worst in every situaion. Whenever I begin with those thoughts I feel like I have to sweat even though I am cold. There are many times with these feeling of anxiety I feel like I am going to get physically sick. I was glad to read this because I know that I am not the only person in the world that feels or has felt this way. I really wish it would end, I hate feeling this way and feeling this way has caused me to dislike myself and my life.

Wow! What a powerful testimony and a very courageous act of love of sharing. That is what we all have to do when we find ourselves in like circumstances. Usually, when we experience traumatic situations our first tendency is to isolate ourselves and feel that no one really understands or cares. In many instances, some of the people we surround ourselves with are not equipped to be empathetic enough to really go through these situations with us and provide the support we need at the time. So we isolate ourselves and feel as though no one really cares but in actuality as it is evident here, there is a wonderful and powerful support that exists, when we are courageous enough to share. By sharing we defeat the enemy whose job is to divide, separate and conquer all of us who are trying to live victorious lives. I, too have experienced the same things and reading this article confirms the fact that I am not alone. Grace(unmerited favor from GOD), is enough while we may find ourselves in these “desert experiences.” Connecting with others and having the courage to communicate these experiences will bring “like-minded” individuals to our aid, just as each of your comments have done for me. Just remember, don’t be too critical on yourselves while going through these crisis moments, because HE isn’t.

I am so touched by this article. I am not alone. There is hope. I only wish I could express my same feelings as you have. I want my life back, just to feel as I did 3 years ago or something close. Thank you for sharing

My PTSD and depression eased significantly when I left organized religion entirely. Not having to deal with others’ judgments and pity allowed me to focus on my desire for wholeness and repair my psyche and spirit. Today, I find God on my own terms and he/she/ti guides me much more easily on my path. I’m not wandering through the wilderness of trying to hew to a vengeful God drawn by the fear-based dictates of others’.

Wonerful article! How honest about the ways this illness affects our faith and our doubts!

Wow. That was a powerful, and brave essay. Not that I desire for other people to have the same issues that I struggle with – nothing could be further from the truth – but I learn a hell of a lot more from people who occupy those same dark places of the heart that I know only too well. For example – maybe (probably) I’m just being mean-spirited – but at an AA meeting, I can relate much more to the person who says: “You know what? I’ve been sober for 5 years, and for the last few days, I’ve been thinking constantly about buying a bottle of Jack Daniel’s and drinking the whole thing myself.” than I can to someone warbling about gratitude for their new house, car, job promotion, etc. that they’ve gotten from being sober. The dark side is not bad, per se, if it’s looked at as being instructive.

I no longer attend church. To recognize Gods presence I notice that I am living and breathing and to do so, it is the Spirit of God that makes this so. Consequently this recognition keeps me in constant contact with the reality of this ‘Living God’ that dwells within all living things.
Ramled

” ‘Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far and grace will lead me home”.
From the song Amazing Grace

I can’t believe another person can so completely articulate exactly how I feel!!! I take care of my handicapped son and am pretty much isolated because of his physical handicap but also because people tend to look away because it is uncomfortable for them to see us. I quit attending church as well . There is no place for wheelchairs and all people do is stare at us. I feel very alone most of the time and it helps to know there are others out there.

That was a wonderful and powerful article. It really spoke to me. I have been in that dark place too many times. It brought back a flood of memories. There were times when I couldn’t say the smallest prayer or speak to God for weeks on end. Thank you for the article. It is good to know there are others out there who understand.

Wow! awesome.

does God get depressed?

I think the more active of a lifestyle one has the better chances one has of not getting depressed, also one has to always have a goal they are striving for, a goal they are passionate about. Avoid at all cost the neysayers, the people who point out any negativity towards your reasons of achieving your goals, avoid them like the plague, follow your inner voice always.

Poetically expressed – and – I relate to the numb feelings of depression that even reach in to diminish your faith. I pray for the safe and joyous homecoming to faith & joy for all of us who suffer through such Depressions.

What a wonderful commentary about Ash Wednesday. I have a sister with depression right now, and she called me tonight to ask for prayers. That was all she asked for, prayers. I don’t even know what to ask..to ask for a cure from this horrible depression that rears it’s ugly head much too often for her in the last few months, seems like nothing that will ever happen. I feel empty, distraught and sick to my stomach as I try to mumble a prayer heavenward to get her through this February night….I pray for all the people with Bi-Polar and Major depressive orders. I pray Gods Grace will find her in her darkest place, and lift her up to face another tomorrow.

I am an atheist but,if i were to be religious,the Catholic religion would most likely be the one I find the most unattractive and repugnant.No wonder the writer is feeling so sick.His soul is rejecting all the garbage and poison that it has been subjected to for so long.Even if there was a god,why would any sane and decent person allow members of the Christian religion to represent this god to him or her?God is akin to the boogeyman….They were invented to spook people into behaving in a conformist manner.When we continue to believe in those stories as adults,they stop making sense and the more we insist in believing them,the more insane we feel…..

Most of us are born whole and perfect…Some are born with mental and physical impairments….All we need for happiness is food water,shelter,love and sex…Religion comes in and convinces us that we were born sinners and we need them to help us become whole.The problem is that those pedophiles and child molesters are our worst enemies and corrupters of our minds and spirits.The only time the author came close to making sense is when she suggested that Yoga could be the answer to her mental anguish…;I would suggest that she tries not just plain yoga,but Bikram yoga………Get rid of religion and practice yoga.Bikram represents the hell that you are so afraid of.Once you conquer the fear of Bikram,you are set free.T

I had a bumper sticker made once which said that god was the cheapest medicine for depression.I guess after reading this post,I am going to have to reconsider that thought.

A mean,unforgiven,vindictive,judgmental,divisive and jealous god…..;No wonder his followers are always feeling guilty,scared and depressed.Get rid of god and most of your depression will go away

To christianslayer1955 I would say, “why not give anonymous the freedom to battle this out and come to their own conclusions.” Going through depression is not the time that a person needs to be given advice and especially such strong advice. The depressed person needs to feel like they have been heard.

As I read the above situation, I was more than touched; I know exactly how the person felt for I am there now. Treading water, so to speak, to maintain my spirit. I am not a young person and I have experienced the “battles” of my human and spiritual self. This life has not been easy for those of us who know there is a disconnection between ourselves and the rest of the world. I am happy I believe, I am happy I can still be touched by the plight of another, I am happy I have not become completely callous to others and I thank the Lord everday that even though I am in a desert of my spirit, I know he is there with me, walking beside me and once in awhile I receive a much needed drink to my thirsting soul. Thank you for printing this; it touched me.

Christianslayer? Hmmm seems I remember reading about that type of personailty in religious history class. Perhaps tolerance of others would be more appropriate behavior-and yes I said appropriate. Depression is no respector of a persons religion, many people suffer the pains of this disorder without any real ties to religion. God is not divisive, man is because of his inability to allow another the freedom to be and believe. Glenda you are absolutely right-any type of condemnation when a person is depressed just puts them deeper into the condition. It seems we are all quick to jump on the advice wagon when what the other person needs is just someone to stand by them, hold them when they cry, help them when they can, and be accepting of their position. Love truly does cover a multitude of behaviors.

The vast darkness of depression and the daily battle to keep it from sucking the life out of you, breaking your heart and trying to take your soul just recently resembled just a flicker of light. . .a candle in a hurricane…alone in a hotel room…me and my puppy dog with an undetermined destination. . .and that is where and when I finally surrendered it all…gave it all to the good Lord above. . .in constant prayer…fear of fear…let that go. . and finally willing to let the Lord lead me where he needs me…faith and hope wrapped tightly around my heart pulled me from the darkest day into the brightest light like an angel in flight…by the grace of God and just wanting someone to listen to what I had to say I experienced divine intervention that day and daily since then as long as I remember to open up my heart, free my spirit and save my soul and take his hand life can truly be grand. Every morning I close that door to the darkness and do my best to let my light shine threw. .from my heart to all of those who have lost hope. . don’t give-up just surrender and let Jesus take the wheel and I will see you on the other side of the desert to experience heaven on earth as it should be..church or no church he is everywhere and I am a Christian who is no longer stuck..the fear of the unknown is blissful compared to the fear of fear…forgive, heal, live, afterall life is a gift!

I am amazed by how much religion is supposed to heal a depression. It is a diversion that does help you move on temporarily, up lifts the waning spirit for the moment, but does not last or help the depression in the long run, and I think we can all attest to that. Depression is cyclical comes and goes in severity and length. It is truly a disease in the real sense of the word. Medicine will help but it too has it’s limitations, it quits with a vengeance. We have to work on it each and every day, stress will exacerbate it until, and that is why waking up in the am will get u to think hard about the upcoming day and those feeling will come rolling in once again. We need to try and maintain a physical existence walking, jogging etc… it will help, and just start slow and let the chemicals whatever they are do the rest, it is proven. Remember that even Catholic Priests as well as those who preach religion still suffer from the malady we are all dealing with so when you do not want to socialize etc… keep in mind you are not helping yourself to feel better, we need to push hard to get the result and that does mean to keep going and going. With each pill i take I always say this is it, the one that will help the cup “runneth” over and give me my sense of grounded normality that I seek. good luck Steve

I have for months now stopped going to church because of the disappointments i’ve had from those who prfess to be holier than thou.Even my closest ally gave me the greatest christian shock. If I can no longer trust my christion brothers and sisters whre slse would I go seeking refuge for my soul. Churches are gradualy becoming business incoporated the more you pay the more prayers you get yet your sitiuations remain unchanged or become worse. If my faith in christ cannot cure my depresion, then something is wrong somewhere.

To all of you hypocrites who wanted to baby and console the writer,why are you such fools?How do you know if the author did not write the essay just to get to see what kind of comments it would receive?.You Americans are always ready to feel sorry for someone when the person you need to feel sorry for is yourselves.You are all sitting around while your government is busy killing millions of other people all over this planet.You support a president who sat by while the state of Israeli was killing thousand of Palestinians and said nothing,claiming that he had not yet been sworn in office…It is no wonder you are all feeling bad,,,,,;Your souls are dirty and your spirits are mean and vicious…You claim to worship a good god yet,you allow our soldiers to kill others on behalf of the same god….God,(or the idea of god)has been corrupted and captured by the criminal elements of our government.It is best to suspend your faith until we can free god from their hands

I suffer from depression in spite of me having totally rejected religion.I can only imagine how worse I would be feeling if I was walking around always feeling like a criminal by feeling guilty for the death of a man who never existed in the first place.It stands to reason that, if you think that he died for your sins,you are responsible for his death.What religion is doing should be considered criminal.Religion makes you think that you were born bad by having been responsible for the death of a non existent god even though his death occurred before you were even born..Then,you find out that the masters of religion are a bunch of criminals and child molesters.Yet,you continue to follow their bull because they have also sold you on a place called heaven and another called hell….You people are not only depressed;You are confused and troubled…..The road to recovery leads to a path away from religion and towards spirituality.(look up the true meaning of spirituality)

Going to a “good” church has helped my moods immensely!!! It has added happiness to my world that I never would have experienced and because of that change in mood and brain chemistry it has added years to my life. My quality of life is so much greater and my thinking also. Had I not been involved I probably would have smoked to much and died by now. Instead, I learned new tools to help me get through dark times. I am a believer of mental and emotional feelings eliciting physiological responses throughout the body, thus changing our brain chemistry. So yes, religion, friends, groups, prayer all add up to a better quality of life-NO DOUBT! None whatsever. However, there are a few strands from some of the above writers that I do agree with to an extent. Churches do depend upon tithing-not sure how it all works but money does talk and those who have more are more important. It is a business-most definately. However, I cannot think of anything or any organization that works for free all the time and doesn’t go by “you get what you put into it”. Think about it. If you worked hard all day would you want to keep working for nothing? I wouldn’t so lets be serious. I see both sides to this. They do good deeds for people and they do help others more than any average person who doesn’t go to church. If you need to be a part of a group and be with people who are kind and have good intentions then church is supposed to be the place to go to.
My hangup is more on the part about not being able to tithe and then I feel bad about that. Sometimes I would rather not go if it is a subject that I don’t feel drawn to. I think each persons faith and connection to the divine is your own. After all if you do believe then you can be saved and if you don’t then you wont and ultimately you are the one that has to deal with the consequences. However, if the terrorists bleed this country dry and the world gets worse instead of better who are you going to turn to when you are starving and have no home? Or if you have to have a phone to get a job but cannot afford it-ect… I would never talk bad about a church or the members. It will lift you up if you let it and it will bring you down if you find a way for it to. The choice is yours as is everything else.

Thank God for goodhearted people who help others because they care.

Christianity and all its other derivatives are akin to criminal enterprises.You pay the Mafia for protection from gangsters and you pay the church for protection against the devil.Both schemes are based on fear of the unknown and the unseen.Only difference is the devil is a figment of our imagination but,the gangster is real.Yet,the devil is more dangerous because he is every where.Where you can get up and move away from the gangsters,you can never get away from the devil because you have given him permanent residence in your brain.It is no wonder that Christians and jews and Muslims are such sick individuals…If you follow a philosophy based on lies,you are bound to feel bad sooner or later.

Dear writer of this article,
I have suffered from anxiety for almost all of my life and finally now have gotten a good handle on it. Of course there are times when I feel a panic attack almost coming but I have learned how to control it and can pretty much say I no longer feel overcome by it and “tired” of life as you put it, i know exactly how you feel. I just wanted to write you to let you know that you are definitly not alone and many many people are going through the same emotions you are, you can remind yourself this when you are feeling particularly down and find solace in it. There are a number of things that helped me overcome my anxiety but the biggest helper of all is my renewed faith and constant prayer to God. I am a muslim and was born a muslim, but have only in the last couple of years really researched my faith and figured out what it is all about. I encourage you to set your mind on doing research about all the religions and sincerely asking God to help you find the truth. This “project” will not only get your mind off of your emotions, but God willing, you will find peace in your heart when you come to the truth. Check out http://www.thedeenshow.com. Other than religion, exercise also helps tremendously. Whether its yoga or running on a treadmill…”healthy body, healthy mind” and what your putting in your body as far as food? Are you eating nutritious foods? Fresh vegatables and fruits? Have you ever considered juicing? Good luck on your journey and I pray that God leads you to the truth.

I am new to this site which I try to read everyday. Your words and many others have helped me with my struggle for peace of mind. Just knowing that there are others who struggle help me immensely. As far as faith and depression is concerned I try not to get caught up in words or dogma. I do believe in paradise and that life is a journey. I’ll go to church when nobody is preaching and sit in the quiet for awhile. I have also found that there is an inner voice that can quiet my mind if only for a moment or two. The world is a beautiful place regardless of what goes on in my head. I think back to when I was a child and the world was beautiful and wondrous. It still is. It’s just that my mind became fettered with some point of view that I had nothing to do with. But I also realize that man tries to answer questions about existence because there seems to be a need to know why and how we came about and of course there are those who want to control and dominate. I thank all of you for helping me.

I can’t even begin to tell you how much I appreciated this. I was truly thinking I was so alone – When religious faith is suppose to provide us with comfort and peace, why was it the most painful place to exist on Sundays in the midst of others who shared that faith? And those well-meaning people say things like “You just need to…” followed by ANYTHING – pray more, have more faith, do something – at a time when all my strength is exhausted by simply getting myself out of bed. When Sunday is the most discouraging, painfully disappointing day when it is touted by so many as being the most peaceful, I could barely manage to keep going. And sometimes I didn’t. But I knew I needed to be “where I should be” in order to be ready when the darkness lifted. Or at least that is what I continue to put my faith in. But thank God, sincerely honestly and truly, for your words that made me feel no so alone in the panic, terror, pain and loss of hope – and that someone else out there was trying to hold on as tightly and tenaciously as I was – despite the overwhelming lethargy. Bless you.

thanks so much for sharing your views. i am an atheist but i really appreciated it.

Your article wanders through the thought process that defines your latest relationship to God. If ashes helps you feel closer to God, then go for it. I’m happy that you are seeking God’s presence. The blood of Jesus represents the presence of God to me, and that is enough.

As I read this, I thought, “this is me.” Thank you for putting into words what I could not say. Peace.

I often tell people that when I feel God the most absent is the time God is most present. I am amazed at how faithful God is with us. I, too, have been there. Life will get better, as will you.

Hi Wendy, glad I’m not alone. I just start feeling like this about a week ago or so and I don’t seem to be getting any better. I feel so dark and alone, I figured God must have left me. I don’t really know where to draw much strength from. I know people probably can’t help me, and the fear is so real. The only (small) comfort I get is when I take my Ativan, that I have been on for 5 years, and it lets me relax my mind some so I can go to sleep for about 4 hours. How I wish God would comfort me and tell me He is with me. How I wish I could feel normal again and not like I am doomed. I almost lost my 6 year old granddaughter and lost my boyfriend of 15 yrs. and had to pick up and move, all at the same time. I have alot of worries at this time and I don’t know how much more I can handle, but I hope I find hope. I have lost alot of weight from this. I have no appetite even though I know I should eat, I just can’t, the fear in me takes away my hunger. Someone with any hope for me, please write me and I wish you would at my email address, cause I can never find how to come back to this site and find what I posted. my email is buckie48192@yahoo.com Thanks for reading and caring, I love you all… JiLL

Hi Wendy, glad I’m not alone. I just start feeling like this about a week ago or so and I don’t seem to be getting any better. I feel so dark and alone, I figured God must have left me. I don’t really know where to draw much strength from. I know people probably can’t help me, and the fear is so real. The only (small) comfort I get is when I take my Ativan, that I have been on for 5 years, and it lets me relax my mind some so I can go to sleep for about 4 hours. How I wish God would comfort me and tell me He is with me. How I wish I could feel normal again and not like I am doomed. I almost lost my 6 year old granddaughter and lost my boyfriend of 15 yrs. and had to pick up and move, all at the same time. I have alot of worries at this time and I don’t know how much more I can handle, but I hope I find hope. I have lost alot of weight from this. I have no appetite even though I know I should eat, I just can’t, the fear in me takes away my hunger. Someone with any hope for me, please write me and I wish you would at my email address, cause I can never find how to come back to this site and find what I posted. my email is buckie48192@yahoo.com Thanks for reading and caring, I love you all… JiLL

Thank you.

Let go of all your negative feelings.Breath them out to God and then breath in Gods limitless energy. Connect yourself mentally to the universe and everything in it. You are feeling what we all experience. You are exactly where God wants you to be. When we are happy we don’t need, think about or communicate with God as when we are weak ( we are also less kind and generous to others.This has been proven experimentally)The more you can let go of the less burdened you will feel This may mean letting go of your law studies for something more emotionally satisfying.Spend some time thinking about what sets your pulse raising and makes you feel worthwhile and then ask God to send those people into your life to guide you towards “it”.Talk to many people that you know about what they think you would be good at ( not at first Your Parents-later) The gov’t has a website to test your personality on what it is best suited for. It is on their job search site.

“God beyond God” was also a statement of Meister Eckhart, now considered one of the foremost mystics of Christianity. For that, and other non-doctrinal views, he was declared a heretic by the Roman Catholic Church and forgotten for almost 500 years. He was speaking of the divine essence, the spiritual oneness which unites all of existence. That essence is the subject of my book at http://www.suprarational.org
When you are depressed, whether from genuine psychological trauma, a chemical maladjustment or other cause, you may benefit from the personal story of someone who had a much worse experience and successfully – albeit with great difficulty – overcame it. I suggest you read “My Stroke of Insight: A Brain Scientist’s Personal Journey,” by Jill Bolte Taylor. She suffered an debilitating stroke at age 37 and is now again a neuroscientist at Princeton University. Her mystical insights helped her to learn how to think, how to read, how to trust, and how to live again.

I suffered from anxiety and panic attacks, and fortunately i’m cured.
I do feel that I have become a better person. Whenever I find myself in doubt or feeling anxious I somehow know what to expect and how to deal with the variety of feelings that often come associated. This also means that I have become more tolerant to change itself and therefore feel prepared to whatever life will throw my way! In other words, I can be happy even when things don’t seem that great. You must think outside the box and find your beautiful and unique soul even if it means that you might be a bit different from the rest of the herd!
Rachel Lancaster
The Linden Method

I just completed the memoir “Easter Everywhere” Darcey Steinke. Similar to the above essay, the book describes how depression, faith, and life experiences shaped her “FAITH JOURNEY.” There is a quote in the book by Faulkner that states “that the absolute worst thing a person could was to make himself a ‘spiritual person.” He continues to add, “The one thing for anyone to become, the only valuable thing, is to become yourself.”
I believe this includes our ‘warts and all.’ When we do embrace ourselves, warts and all…I believe our spiritual journey truly begins.
yearofom.blogspot.com

Thank you for posting this! It is so eloquently stated, and In so many ways it truly resonated with me, too. I hope today, Ash Wednesday, and the Lenten season is everything you need it to be.

Thank you for this beautiful and honest writing. It resonated with my experience and journey.

I do not have a website to offer, nor a cure that I can attest to. I only know that I am grateful to you today for this writing. Thank you.

thank you, my faith has gone during my latest 3 year battle with hell. And the minute I let my guard down and ask God for help my depression gets worse. I struggle with people at work who tell me I am going to hell because I can’t trust and believe god. Well I am already there. I admire your faith in your daily emails, but it is reasurring to know that I am not the only one who struggles.

Thank you so so much for sharing the essay about faith and depression.
It is the first time I have ever. had someone else describe 1. not only (almost to a tee, how I experience depression and anxiety, but 2) the loneliness of losing that palpable connection to my faith–
Once in the midst of a deep depressive episode I lay in bed with my closest, kindred, soul-mate/best friend. I remember mustering the energy to finally say to her, in what would have been a bewildered tone, if I’d had energy for bewilderment, I said: I know I usually have some kind of feeling when we talk, but I can feel anything. I need to hang up. Would you do it? I’m too tired to.
She said she didn’t feel she could hang up with me when I felt as disconnected and depressed as I did, and offered to pray or read psalms.
I simply muttered, could you pray quietly then, I’m so tired, I can’t listen.
She remained on the phone with me in silence for over an hour–I lay in bed, wiht the silent phone to my ear–my ashes, I think now, a symbolic connection to Lisa that I couldn’t feel–After an hour, something happened. It was so small but it happened. It was like a BLIP on an ekg screen, but I felt it.
I felt it. I feel something I said, breaking our silence. And I cried. We hung up shortly after. While I didn’t experience a miraculous “I”m healed” state, I did experience a miraculous knowing that made the rest of the process tolerable: I will heal.
Thank you again for the amazing post. I am well right now and working to stay that way.

just this morning as i was driving, i was thinking of all the people i know who are joyful. joy. joyful. i don’t know if it is just my personality, or my CFS, depression, or what, but, personally, i don’t feel joy. maybe not never, but rarely. so, it made me wonder, is it me? can you really feel joyful at being one with God and Jesus? or are those people faking it at church? maybe they are just made that way; those people who are “morning people”, who wake up happy. me? i don’t wake up happy. i am not a morning person. i am an afternoon person, but i digress. i don’t think my brain is hardwired for joy. do i enjoy smiling and having fun? sure. but what i feel more is contentment. i am content. i love God and Jesus deeply, but i don’t feel joy. am i weird? i don’t think so. as i struggle daily with all my illnesses, i am happy inside that i can put one foot in front of another and am content and grateful to God that i am not in a mental ward. i don’t know. i think God does, though. He knows my heart, and whether i outwardly show joy or not, He knows how deeply i love Him. that’s enough for Him, i believe.

Oh how I needed this article and all the comments as well. I’m nearing 18 years clean and sober. God willing I make it another couple of months. But the depression has been a thorn in my side for several years. Paxil has helped dramatically as before it I felt like going down the street to the cemetary where my mother is buried and laying down (in the spot right behind her that I’ve already marked for my own grave) and dying. I planned my funeral. Even have an envelope attached to my bullitin board with all the arrangements including the picture of me that I like best for the memorial (of course it is one of me 40 lbs lighter.) And a picture of the dress I have in my closet that I want to wear to be buried in. Kept telling myself it was the smart thing to do so my family wouldn’t have to go through the pain of having to do it when I died…truth…I don’t trust my son to do it the way I want it. He might want to keep the insurance money for himself, so I’ve already spent it. (on paper anyway) So in one way the depression is tons better. But the writer speaking of avoidance and being hypocritical really made me think of myself in many ways. Even though I’ve straightened my life up in so many ways. I know in my heart that I am living wrong. I am living in a way that is so wrong to my beliefs and to the way I was raised. And so wrong in my heart and in my gut! And as bad as I want to and need to get out of it and I can’t find my way out! I quit going to church completely when I began living this way. I didn’t go regularly before, but I quit completely! I can’t even linger on a channel on the tv that has preaching. I believe so strongly in GOD and I know He is the only reason I have gotten by so far. But I feel so ashamed and so hypocritical for even thinking that I’m a Christian. Ashamed…of being the way I’ve been living. And as much as I KNOW I have to get out of it. I have been trying for years and I just can’t break the ties. I want to go back to church. I want to openly worship. But I am so ashamed and feel so hypocritical and feel so unworthy of being allowed in a church. Afraid if I go into the church people will look at me and know what I am. And come to me to pray for me to straighten up my life. I don’t deserve their prayers and besides I’m afraid they already know who no what I am. I need help! I know I need help. As I said I have tried to get out of this and I just can’t but I know I have to. I need help so bad. But I just don’t know what to do anymore. These ramblings are only an example of what my mind feels like. I woke about two in the morning with the wheels just turning like this and was awake for hours unable to make it stop. I guess I’m just trying to find an easy, painless solution to get out of this situation. But I know there isn’t an easy, painless solution. It will hurt. It will hurt me but other’s even more! And I so don’t want to hurt anyone! But I have to get out! Please pray for me. I may not deserve it but I so need it. I will stop now. God help me.

To respond to So Afraid – Please, seek some kind of help. Nothing you’ve done can come between you and the love of God. God loves you no matter what you do, so go to church, even if you feel ashamed and hypocritical. If your church makes you feel that way, go to a different one. God loves you just the way you are. Also, seek help from a counselor or a drug treatment program or wherever you can. Keep seeking help until you get what you need. You are a child of God, as we all are. That’s all you need to know and feel. You are worthy of love. You don’t have to prove anything or earn anything – we all deserve help and love, no matter what we’ve done or haven’t done.

When we hear about “depression” we associate this word with mental illness. However, contrary to what the drug peddling psychiatrists say about it, depression is not an illness; it’s a human condition. It’s the opposite of joy, so it is part of an emotional spectrum with extremes at both ends. Morever, when we look at the buzz words dealing with depression in the realm of popular psychology such as, “self esteem”, “self worth”, “self image”, “self love”, “self Loathing”, etc., we can get that this entire area of study is about ego-centrism. There is no room in this private domain for anyone else. Moreover, the way our society deals with this subject as a whole even encourages narcissism. Therefore, barring any chemical or hormonal imbalances which doctors can correct, the person suffering from chronic bouts of depression needs to focus on the needs of others. The best therapy is a program that encourages people to be more altruistic and less self-centered.
Http://soulfulthought.blogspot.com

Bonney, You just have no idea how much it meant to me for you to make the comments you did. I needed to know that some one acknowledged me. I know that sounds self centered. to want someone to acknowledged me, but I have felt so alone for a while. There is only one person I can speak to openly about these issues and I keep saying the same things over and over but never have the courage to do anything about it. To know you are there makes me feel less invisible and less alone. I know what will fix my problem and that is getting out of the situation. I know that. With all my heart I know that. Thank you for being there. Just knowing someone out there heard me makes me feel more real than I have in a while. Thank you for caring. You honestly gave me a bit more strength than I had before. Thank you.

Now you know why God told Joshua and all of his servants to be courageous. Courage is an act of volition. Courage needs to be summoned and excercised. Take heart , be of good cheer, be courageous. Or, you can let fear and depression rule ?

I simply wanted to thank you one more time for this amazing blog you have produced here. Its full of ideas for those who are seriously interested in this kind of subject, particularly this very
post.

I have only started going back to church over the last few years, and sometimes I still catch myself going into old habits and immediately after, I realize that they are habits I really want to get rid of and that it seems that the only people who discourage those habits are devote church-goers. After that I realize that the fewer church-goers that exist, the less likely there will be a church and those people who discourage these things. This is why it is so important to keep going to church, especially in the current state of a rising sinful rate among people in modern society, because it may be the only thing to keep us from falling off the wagon. I think you reached some kind of overkill from the high repetitiveness of going to church every week, but with enough reflection of why you go, you will begin to like it again.