Beyond Blue: October 2008 Archives

To read more Beyond Blue, go to www.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.

Every day I drop David off for school I pray that none of the seemingly sweet boys in their Catholic school uniforms will bully my boy because I know his chemistry is similar to mine: he's extremely sensitive and cruel behavior might stick with him long after those boys have graduated from high school.

But the bulk of harassment these days don't happen in the school cafeteria where the teachers have a shot at catching it and stopping it. And those mean fifth-grade cliques of girls that have a shy, overweight 11-year-old too frightened to raise her hand in Math? The nasty stuff doesn't happen in the classroom.

It all goes on at home. In the privacy of their bedrooms. Courtesy of the computer.

Many experts claim that cyberbullying--harassment that happens online--is so prevalent today that schools need to create and enforce strict policies to prevent it from doing irreparable harm, even taking a life.

Take the case of Megan Meier of Dardenne Prairie, Missouri. Her thirteenth year had been miserable at her school, as she was the outcast fat girl trying to fit in. She fled to the Internet, where a cute guy was flirting with her on MySpace.com. Except that he wasn't real. His identity had been up by some girls who wanted to know what Megan said about them.

One night Megan went online and found a message Josh, the fictitious guy, that he didn't want to be friends anymore. She was stunned and upset. Harsh messages went back and forth between him and Megan. Then the girls who created Josh enlisted other friends to attack Megan. "Bulletins" were sent out, linking friend-list to friend list, and messages were being broadcast all over MySpace that Megan was fat, a slut, a bad friend. That night Megan looped a belt around her neck and hung herself in the bedroom closet.

I asked Beyond Blue Larry Parker to write a piece about bullying since he described his bullying with such detail in my interview of him. He elaborates here, on how bullying can stay with you for a lifetime. ...

1. Bullies Alone Can't Push You Around - You Have to Already Be Vulnerable

It was 1982. My parents had split up and were getting a divorce. My dad was halfway around the world for the Air Force and completely incommunicado, literally and figuratively. My mom had just met a new guy who she would later marry - and who decades later, would become my own torturer.

I just entered junior high school, where I was lost, in the hallways and otherwise. It's enough to make a 13-year-old kid suicidal. And indeed, that's what happened.

But the divorce itself was not what pushed me over the edge. It was a classmate named R., along with his friends.

R. came from the "right" side of town, unlike me. R. bragged about his scientific knowledge - I was more the writer. (In fact, I kept a journal to deal with my loneliness - big mistake, as you'll see.) And frankly, in a school where many of the "cool" kids were Jewish, he reminded me in my then-Catholicism that I was not the "right" religion.

(He very ostentatiously said, "I'm only inviting you to my bar mitzvah because my mom says I have to. I'm going to make sure you're miserable." And - because my own mother said it was the ultimate breach of etiquette to turn down a bar mitzvah invitation - he certainly got the chance.)

There was more old-fashioned stuff, as well -- getting pushed into lockers (in the hallway and the locker room), having gum put on my chair, having my book bag constantly stolen if I let it even a millimeter off my body, and of course, having my journal stolen, and having R. read entries as everyone gathered before class about the people named. What could possibly be more mortifying?

The fact remains, though, I wouldn't have tried to commit suicide without the other factors - the absent father, the new and strange stepfather-to-be, my mother's insistence on me being "the man in the house" doing all the chores even as I was barely getting by in school.

Oh, that and the fact that I didn't tell my stressed-out mom - and that the teachers in school enabled it. "It's just boys being boys," they said. Teachers tend to take that attitude much less these days, thank goodness.

But in my case, I would have to do something drastic to convince the teachers.

There's a cartoon with a chicken and an egg in bed together. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a very satisfied expression on his face, and the egg is restless and disgruntled. The caption above the egg says, "Well, I guess that answers the question."

That's how I think of the relationship between depression and religion.

I can't say which came first in my life because they were both there from the start. And you need only read through a few of the lives of the saints or walk the exhibition aisles at the Religious Booksellers Trade Exhibit to see that holy people aren't all that happy much of the time. In fact, Beliefnet approached me to write Beyond Blue two years ago because they learned that so many of their readers suffer from depression. I'm not making this up or exaggerating. Reported in the "American Journal of Psychiatry," researchers today are using high definition brain scans to document a biological underpinning for religiosity and spirituality related to the neurotransmitter serotonin.

Saint Augustine once wrote, "Thou hast made us for Thyself, and our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee."

Therein those words, I believe, lies the reason depressives are more spiritual: we are more aware of that human restlessness or inner void than our happy counterparts (those blessed with functional wiring), or maybe we are more restless AND more aware of our unease. And we want to fill that void and settle the restlessness ASAP because it feels about as good as cow droppings on our heads.

According to St. John of the Cross--the Spanish mystic who experienced something far worse than cow pies when he was harshly imprisoned in Toledo--the purpose of the dark night is all for love: to become better lovers of God and one another. Furthermore, the dark night takes us from isolation to creativity, from withdrawal to contribution.

"Obscurity and attachment, followed by God-given clarity, liberation of love, and deepening of faith, are consistent hallmarks of the dark night of the soul," writes Gerald May in his fascinating book The Dark Night of the Soul. "Often this liberation results in a remarkable release of creative activity in the world."

Group Beyond Blue member Luthitarian started a fascinating discussion thread at Group Beyond Blue on "Spirituality and the Mind," where he asks folks to share what religious tradition or practice or philosophy has helped them with their depression. He got quite a response. Here's his invitation, which can be found on the "Spirituality and the Mind" thread at Group Beyond Blue, which you can find by clicking here.

We have a thread that Lin began dealing with Christian issues that has taken off and is pretty active. I've had fun posting on it and learning from others there.

But, it is, after all, pretty much exclusively Christian.

I thought I would initiate a thread similar (in some respects) to that one, but more wide open to other traditions.

In the August 1-10 thread, I posted a number of books by Buddhists whom I have found to be very helpful, practical, and readily available as resources for mental health. Some of the modern therapies, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and some others have a strong component of self-examination and reflection on thoughts and thinking, which, after all, is very Buddhist, actually! Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, sort of a more intense CBT, intentionally included Zen or mindfulness meditation as an element of its approach.

I know we have others here who find Buddhist thought meaningful to them. Also, we have a number of people coming from pagan backgrounds, maybe even some who click with the teachings of Sufi, Sikh, or Baha'i masters.

So, what in your own spiritual tradition has been helpful to you in your struggles with mental health? Is it something about their ethical teachings, their worldview, their spirituality, or whatever that has helped you the most?

We also have a few who tend to be somewhat indifferent to religion and yet have a meaningful spiritual life, even if grounded in more of a 'non-theistic' or material view. Maybe existentialists, Humanists, agnostics, or whatever, they, too, have found something in their traditions or beliefs that give them strength and hope and compassion for others in difficult times.

We've done a thread on "What I Believe". Now, let's connect beliefs in an intentional way to living a healthy life as best we are able.

To read more Beyond Blue, go to www.beliefnet.com/beyondblue, and to get to Group Beyond Blue, a support group at Beliefnet Community, click here.

1. Yell at them. Tell them to go to a place where there are no lemonade stands. 2. Laugh at them. Start with "ha" and end with "hee." 3. Loan them to a friend, and tell her not to give them...

I learned one more technique to deal obsessions from Group Beyond Blue member Belleo, who started a discussion called "Bulletin Board" at Group Beyond Blue (which you can get to by clicking here) at Beliefnet Community. Here's what she...

In a recent Johns Hopkins Health Alert, I read this: Suicide attempts or suicidal thoughts are common symptoms of depression, and the risk of suicide may increase as depression begins to respond to treatment because the person might regain just...

James Gordon, author of "Unstuck" and Charles Barber, author of "Comfortably Numb" present some interesting statistics on antidepressants. However, for persons like myself who suffer from severe depression, some context is needed to their facts. An article in the Summer...

Thanks to Beyond Blue reader Peg for directing me on the combox to my post "12 Ways to Overcome Jealousy and Envy" to Elizabeth Scott's review of "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. As I mentioned on other posts,...

I was touched by Beyond Blue reader Franco's comment on the combox of my post, "12 Ways to Handle Jealousy and Envy," in which he wrote: I think that three little words, I love you, always work magic at some...

I also appreciated Beyond Blue Barbara's comment on the same post, "12 Ways to Overcome Jealousy and Envy," because it reminded the wisdom in the flick "Babe," when the farmer says to the pig, "That'll do, Pig. That'll do." If...

Some of you know that I hold Patton Dodd in very high esteem, because his essay "Optimism Is Depressing" was so incredibly helpful when I was trying to make sense of all the folks around me who assured me...

Thanks to Lilit Marcus for finding this fascinating article about a bipolar woman (Bipolar II) who married a Bipolar I guy. The article's author, Y. Euny Hong, articulates all the drama of the relationship in such incisive language that...

My blogging buddy, James Bishop at Finding Optimism, wrote a great blog recently on what NOT to say to a depressed person. I've excerpted from it below. To get to his blog click here. There are many terrible things that...

On Mindful Monday, my readers and I practice the art of pausing, TRYING to be still, or considering, ever so briefly, the big picture. We're hoping this soul time will provide enough peace of mind to get us through...

Group Beyond Blue member Drama Queen wrote a powerful piece about this very notion, of breaking the patterns of dysfunction. I loved her essay. Here it is. I believe in quitting.  Growing up in America, in a middle-class home...

On Fridays I will address a question related to depression and find the answer from an expert. If you have a question you want answered, please ask it on the combox of this post, and I'll try my best to...

I just found a great blog by Beyond Blue reader Lisa, "We Must Not Think Too Much" (which you can get to by clicking here) that covers a plethora of topics related to mental illness. On her site was...

Since it is National Boss Day, I wanted to continue a conversation that was started on the combox of my post "Job Stress Triggers Depression" about the relationship between work and depression. An anonymous Beyond Blue reader wrote this: The connection...

Ellen McGrath has written a helpful article for "Psychology Today" on boosting your self-esteem at work. I have excerpted her four strategies below, but to read the entire article, "Self-Esteem at Work," click here. Research has shown that the more...

A few days ago I published the essay by Jon Armstrong, Mr. Dooce, on what it's like living with someone who suffers from chronic depression. I did not cite the source for this article and I shouldn't have excerpted its...

I know a "happy place" sounds corny. How many times have you seen a character on a sitcom close his eyes and say, "I'm going to my happy place. I'm almost there. Up, I can't find any parking. Hold on,...

In "Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child," bestselling author John Bradshaw describes his years in the seminary as nurturing, where he adopted many "new fathers" and "new mothers" to replace the abusive ones who raised him. He writes,...

For as long as I can remember I've struggled with obsessive thoughts, with severe ruminations that can interfere with daily life. My thoughts get stuck on something and like a broken record, repeat a certain fear over and over...

Johns Hopkins Medicine has published the following information on recognizing and treating Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD): Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is marked by recurrent, repetitive thoughts (obsessions), behaviors (compulsions), or both that a person recognizes as unreasonable, unnecessary, or foolish yet are...

In the spirit of Columbus Day, I thought I'd discuss what we're doing over at Group Beyond Blue (in Beliefnet's community, or social networking site) because in my role as moderator of the group of more than 1,000 members,...

I know that I usually feature "Friday's Question" on Friday, but since this is Mental Illness Awareness Week, I'd like to post a few articles on some successes today--a victory in the House to require health plans to cover treatment...

Let's start with the good news, of course. From NAMI (National Alliance for Mental Illness): By a vote of 263-171, the House October 3 gave final approval to the Paul Wellstone-Pete Domenici Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act of...

Thanks to Beyond Blue reader Larry Parker for writing the following post as part of "The Doxieman Blog" which you can get to by clicking here: I fight the good fight against stigma against mental illness. But I was taken...

Thanks to Group Beyond Blue member SoberToday who revised and edited this letter authored by Ben Oberin about HEP C to speak to those of us who live with depression and anxiety. You may read her discussion thread at...

Also on Beliefnet's Bipolar Resource page is my article on the intersection of spiritual life and bipolar disorder. I don't think I'm romanticizing my bipolar disorder in saying that my real faith, the engine that propels me to love better...

Like many of you, I'm always telling people I will pray for their health, and I mean it. I realize that every person I pray for doesn't get his wish just because I've engaged the Guy upstairs in a conversation,...

My second job out of college was with a religious giftware company. I was a product-development coordinator for "inspirational" brands, which meant I was required to do things like write directions on how to bury St. Joseph for a "St....

According to NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness): Since 1990, mental health advocates across the country have joined together during the first week of October to celebrate Mental Illness Awareness Week (MIAW) and Bipolar Disorder Awareness Day. In 1990,...

According to John Bradshaw, author of "Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child," the process of healing your wounded inner child is one of grief. And it involves these seven steps (in Bradshaw's words): 1. Trust For your wounded...

I don't know how many times I've been asked this question. And I can't think of a better way of answering than James Bishop's article, "12 Ways to Care for Someone with Depression," which you can get to by clicking...

To view the gallery version of this post click here. To visit the bipolar resource page, click here. Depression and bipolar disorder are family diseases. Everyone sharing a kitchen and a bathroom is affected. In fact, in his book "Understanding...

Group Beyond Blue member Micaiah started a fantastic thread on Group Beyond Blue called "Quote of the Day." He explains: One of the things I do in my classroom every day is post a "Quote of the Day." These...

Another entertaining and thoughtful thread at Group Beyond Blue is the one started by Group Beyond Blue Member Vick2008 called "Growing Older Learning Lessons." Because I feel like I'm always learning some lesson, I tuned in and was glad...

We now have over 1,000 members of Group Beyond Blue! I want to take this opportunity to sincerely thank all of you who have been such active members. Because all of the interesting discussion threads that you post are...

Since today is the feast of my patron saint, Therese of Lisieux, and it's video day (Wednesday), I thought I'd republish my video on the roses that came when I prayed for all of you, especially those that had been...

I found another cool video that featured several images of St. Therese set to beautiful music. If you love this saint, like I do, you'll like it. To view the YouTube video, click here. To read more Beyond Blue, go...

Beliefnet's Rod Dreher wrote an interesting post on saints and signs while back. You can get to his post by clicking here. I've pasted it below, but you should go to his post to read the interesting stories on the...

Beliefnet recently created a lovely gallery of saints with text by Thomas Craughwell. To get to the gallery, click here. For centuries, the saints of the Roman Catholic Church have served as both inspirations and intercessors. From the lives they...