Beyond Blue: April 2009 Archives

Yikes. It's time for my 20-year high-school reunion. I have the wrinkles and the gray hair to prove it. Although I look back and snicker at all the keg parties I threw at my house when my mom was away, and how I always seemed to pass out in someone's closet, what I remember most were the wise words of a few teachers who took me under their wing and asked me to probe deeper ... to think long and hard about who I wanted to be when I grew up. I'm still not totally sure, but here are some of the nuggets I most appreciate.

1. Act as if you belong.

In 12-step support groups this means "fake it til you make it." I just remember being incorrectly placed in an honor's class. I sat there next to Tony M., a fellow average-intelligence classmate who I recently hooked up with on Facebook, wondering what language everyone was speaking. And Tony reminded me that by acting as though we belonged, we fooled Mr. Troha into giving us As!

2. Today can be the beginning of a new life.

My senior year, a few teachers pulled me aside and challenged me on my self-destructive behavior involving alcohol. Apparently some stories about the Homecoming dance had made it back to them. "What's going on?" one religion teacher asked me. It prompted me to ask the hard questions and confront my alcohol addiction. I remember sitting up in bed one evening that year wondering if the decision to abstain from alcohol that day would really influence the rest of my life. Twenty years later, I can confidently answer that question: absolutely.

3. Never lose your sense of humor.

Humor is by far my strongest ally in the fight against negative thinking and despair. I try to remind myself daily of what G.K. Chesterton said, "Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly."

4. Success is 99 percent sweat, one percent talent.

Take it from this girl who didn't break 1,000 on her SATs. Perseverance. That's all you need. Just as the Japanese proverb says, "Fall seven times, get up eight." Or an anonymous saying "The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground."

5. Gratitude and kindness will open many doors for you.

My dad taught me this one. As a very savvy business man, he stressed the importance of "thank you" notes, and expressions of appreciation, especially to the gate keepers like the assistants to the publishers you want to publish your book. A little kindness to her will get you in the door.

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There are actually more suicides in April and May than in January and December, even though you'd think people would crash during or after Christmas, when the weatherman predicts a blizzard that will have your kids out of school for weeks. 

The reason for the spikes during the spring? Depressives get the boost of energy they need to kill themselves. I know that sounds horrible, but it's true. And I can't help but think that part of it is that melancholic folks recognize the blast of sunshine and hope around them ... their friends breaking out of their gray moods as they hop on the mountain bike for a long ride ... and feel even more desperate because the sunshiny mood hasn't made it to them, yet.

In her post, "Springtime Depression Is Touching My Soul," Valerie writes:

Though I was calling it "Ungrateful for a Break in the Cold Gray Weather" and "Lame," apparently some doctors have a kinder, more clinical term for the nice weather blues: "Spring Exacerbation." No one knows why exactly suicides are at their highest this time of year, or why those suffering from SAD can get an extra dose of wham-slam when the sun re-appears. Some say sadness meets a slight energy lift--just enough to act on ruminations. Others speculate that there's a feeling of "Wow it's gorgeous out and I still feel crappy? That must mean I will never be happy." Whatever it is, it's true. 

As someone who spent the weekend feeling absolutely blammoed by the extreme shift to utter gorgeousness, T.S. Eliot (above) makes sense. There's something oddly comforting about the misery of winter, and a camaraderie with even those who aren't normally depressed. When the sun comes and wrenches those lilacs from the earth and families and friends and couples all play frisbee and have picnics and talk about how happy they are, it's almost too much to bear. And then that fact--that I've waited and prayed for spring and now I can't even enjoy it--makes me feel like an ungrateful wretch in addition to completely alone and raw and skinless. The bad-thought pile-on.

I guess I'm writing about this for my own sense of needing to tell, but also to say to people who might think that no one else could possibly be bummed when the sun is beaming and the flowers are blooming--on a weekend no less--that you're not alone. And from what I've read, things should start to level out again in June.

Valerie's advice is spot on: Don't feel pressured to have a FANTASTIC day because, well, everyone else is. Ease up a tad, and treat the day as you would any other ... a few hours at a time, if you need to.

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