Beyond Blue: May 2008 Archives

Jeff Herring, a marriage and family therapist, and an internationally syndicated relationship columnist (Knight-Ridder/Tribune Media Services) identifies ten warning signs of an impending emotional affair:

1) Thinking or saying, "We're just friends."

If you have caught yourself thinking or saying, "but we're just friends," you are probably already in trouble. "But we're just friends" are four of the most dangerous words for a relationship. These words are usually said to rationalize something you know is wrong. Rationalize is also spelled "rational lies."

2) Thinking and daydreaming about the person more and more often

This should be a loud, screaming clue. Do you think and day dream about your regular friends in this way?

3) Looking forward to the next time you can see and/or talk to the person

If you feel excitement and anticipation, a quickening of your pulse, as you get ready to see this person, watch out.

4) Wanting to tell them first when something happens in your day

This means that this person has become your primary emotional confidant.

As I sit down to write my Mother's Day post, I am filled with both tears and goose bumps.

Yesterday at the park I talked to a fellow preschool mom in length about her father, who left for a loaf of bread when she was one year old, and never came back. He had many breakdowns, was hospitalized about 20 times, and was eventually treated for bipolar disorder. The family has never discussed it. She only knows all this because as a young child she found the divorce papers and read them. Now she worries about the genes that predispose not only herself and her siblings to mental illness, but also her children.

I hugged her, feeling a piece of her pain, and trying to keep from tearing up (it's been awhile since I've cried at the park!), as I looked at David climbing the ladder to the big slide. How I wish I could protect this little boy of mine from the torment of mental illness. I am so afraid for him because he (more than Katherine who luckily got Eric's brain) seems to have inherited my fragile chemistry and acute sensitivity. I want him to be happy more than I want just about anything else in my life.

Then, just a minute ago, I read the very moving message from reader Elemgee on the "If You Can Dream" post, about growing up with a mother who suffered from a severe, clinical depression, but was undiagnosed at the time--and about how she and her siblings would sit in their living room next to the stereo speakers, singing along to the refrain "you are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here!" based on the poem "Desiderata" I posted a few days ago.

Motherhood provides a host of useful lessons on how to live with mental illness, and vice versa. Here are just a few things the two have in common (in my opinion, of course):

1. Five years into both of them, plastic surgery is your only way of looking young again.

2. There's only one boss, and it's best if that's you.

3. In both, you have to handle a lot of crap.

4. Both require deep breathing.

5. Time Outs are encouraged--especially for Mom (psych wards stays count for this).

6. Both feel like you're being pecked to death by a bird.

7. You must learn on the spot--pop quizzes are thrown at you every half-hour.

8. Both drive you insane (of course).

9. Both are full of surprises and force you to tear up any script you may have written (how things were supposed to go).

10. They require a support system, discipline, and a ton of self-control.

11. You have to get out of bed in the morning for both.

12. Bedtime often spells relief.

13. Both take a chunk out your heart but give it back to your soul.

14. You never graduate from or complete your responsibilities.

15. You get used to frozen dinners, canned soup, and spats with your spouse.

In her classic book, "The Artist's Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity," Julia Cameron offers readers twelve ways to recover their sense of self or inner creativity. According to this artist, nurturing one's creative powers is a spiritual exercise--and an antidote to (mild) depression and anxiety. "I have seen lives transformed by the simple process of engaging the Great Creator in discovering and recovering our creative powers," she writes in the introduction.

She began down her path of creativity by simply getting out of the way and letting the creative force work through her.

When you're depressed, that's not so easy. Not only are you in your own way, but an army of men and women are rallying in the street, yelling things like "You're stupid! You're lazy! You're ugly! You're a failure!" (at least that's how it looks in my head).

So you need to hire an "affirmation" army to defeat the depression army before you even start to jot down a creative thought. However, cultivating that creative person is important (not that you have time to take on any more jobs). Because offering the world a true and honest piece of yourself does wonders for your mood.

Here's something to try:

• Ask four friends to list your strengths. See if you are using those strengths in your present job. If not,
• Think about another job. Or, if you're locked in for various reasons (which I very well understand), try to develop a hobby that uses your strengths.
• Begin with just ten minutes a day doing something creative: writing, drawing, knitting, scrap-booking, cooking, and see if it helps your mood.