Recently in Inspiration and Prayer Category

My mom used to tell me that when God wants to make a point He repeats himself. Well, the Creator must know that I am quite dense, because in the last week, I have received a very clear message. Not one time. Not two times. But three times. The transcript goes something like this: "Really, you can trust me!"

I've mentioned on a few recent posts that I've been struggling with somewhat of a setback in that the "I wish I were dead" thoughts have been getting more frequent, and gradually mutating into a "I wonder how I could be dead" thoughts. I've been working with my doctor, yes, but one of the things I most respect about her is that she doesn't jump to a medication adjustment. I have to rely on things that make me feel good--and supportive friends and family--until I hit a better place.

The good thing about being in this place of pain is that it cuts through the protective layer of your ego, and you listen, REALLY listen to the folks in your life who can offer a useful insight. (Not the ones, of course, who say visualize a twenty-dollar bill and it's yours.)

Like my best friend from college. I trust her judgment more than just about anyone's because she has known me for so long, and has been there--sometimes as a casualty--of my rollercoaster moods. She is very wise and extremely perceptive, so I was a bit taken aback when, as we chatted over coffee, she said, "You used to be so trusting of God when we were in college.... I guess I don't see that so much now."

"It was easier to be trusting of God back then," I replied. "I didn't have to support a family or endure a 90-minute temper tantrum from an eight-year-old. I knew that if my depression got bad enough I could always move back in with my mom, and attend the community college."

The day after our coffee date a publicist sent me Eileen Flanagan's book, "The Wisdom to Know the Difference," and I heard, for a second time, what my college friend was trying to tell me: Eileen writes:

What gets in the way of wisdom? Fear is the biggest culprit....Fear can get in the way of compassion, gratitude, and seeing the goodness in other people, which in turn can make our relationships more difficult. Fear makes us cling to a picture of how we think things should be, making acceptance of what is almost impossible....In short, fear makes us go through life with our guard up, wasting energy that could be put to better use. In contrast, both serenity and courage are based on living with trust.

I always love to read what blogger John McManamy has to say in response to a blog post of mine. So far they've all been positive. I fear the day he disapproves. Because he is very smart, and it always gets ugly when smart people don't like you.

In his post, "Depressed or Deep Thinking: My Take," John writes:

Proposition One: Any depression that is not part of my temperament sucks - whether mild or severe. Take my depression - please. They throw me off my game, ruin my day, wreck my life. Whether it's a depression that is the equivalent of a mild cold or one that is psychic double pneumonia I seriously don't want to be inside my brain on this planet when my neurons have gone on strike. If this is the disease that Peter Kramer is talking about, I'm behind him one hundred percent.

Proposition Two: At the same time, mild to moderate depression is part of my temperament, my personality (as is hypomania). As opposed to my disease depressions, I'm very comfortable in this state. It is a part of who I am. My energy is down, my thoughts tend to be very dark, but - here's the key difference - I thrive in this state. My neurons are working with me, or perhaps me with my neurons. It's as if I'm calmly sifting through the ideas I rounded up in my hypomanic frenzies, whether I'm lying in bed, at my desk, or taking a walk. If this is Dr Kramer's version of just thinking deep, I would have to respectfully disagree.

What we are talking about is the classic distinction between "state" and "trait." Trait is who we are. State is invasion of the brain snatchers. But no distinctions are ever as clear-cut as they seem.

We tend to get hung up on DSM-IV check lists while ignoring a key DSM injunction - namely that we are only in a state of mental illness when the symptoms interfere with our ability to function (as in work or relationships). So - from my personal perspective - if I am comfortable and not struggling while depressed, then I hardly have an illness that needs treatment.

Now let's flip it. I also get hypomanic, and I've written a lot about this. Here's the test: For Marilyn Monroe to act like Marilyn Monroe (at least when she's up) - that's normal, for Marilyn, anyway. For someone else to act like Marilyn Monroe, on the other hand - that's probably a sign that very bad things are about to happen.

His post is brilliant. Truly. Click here to keep on reading.

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Again I quote the eloquent Henri Nouwen. If you haven't caught on yet, I adore that man, as he somehow managed to spy on my brain for the last 38 years. In "The Inner Voice of Love," he writes:

You must avoid not only blaming others but also blaming yourself. You are inclined to blame yourself for the difficulties you experience in relationships. But self-blame is not a form of humility. It is a form of self-rejection in which you ignore or deny your own goodness and beauty.

When a friendship does not blossom, when a word is not received, when a gesture of love is not appreciated, do not blame it on yourself. This is both untrue and hurtful. Every time you reject yourself, you idealize others. You want to be with those whom you consider better, stronger, more intelligent, more gifted than yourself. Thus you make yourself emotionally dependent, leading others to feel unable to fulfill your expectations and causing them to withdraw from you. This makes you blame yourself even more, and you enter a dangerous spiral of self-rejection and neediness.

Avoid all forms of self-rejection. Acknowledge your limitations, but claim you unique gifts and thereby live as an equal among equals. That will set you free from your obsessive and possessive needs and enable you to give and receive true affection and friendship.

* Click here to subscribe to Beyond Blue and click here to follow Therese on Twitter and click here to join Group Beyond Blue, a depression support group. Now stop clicking.