Recently in Relationships Category

In the spirit of halloween, I thought you'd all appreciate some vampire talk. In her new book, "Emotional Freedom," UCLA psychiatrist Judith Orloff identifies five kinds of vampires that are lurking around and can zap our energy if we're not careful. Here is an excerpt adapted from her book.

Emotional vampires are lurking everywhere and wear many different disguises--from needy relatives to workplace bullies. Whether they do so intentionally or not, these people can make us feel overwhelmed, depressed, defensive, angry, and wiped out.

Without the self-defense strategies to fend them off, victims of emotional vampires sometimes develop unhealthy behaviors and symptoms, such as overeating, isolating, mood swings, or feeling fatigued.

Here are five types of emotional vampires you're likely to encounter, and some "silver bullet" tips for fending them off.

Vampire 1: The Narcissist. 

This vampire is grandiose, self-important, attention hogging, and hungry for admiration. She is often charming and intelligent--until her guru status is threatened.

Self-defense tips: Enjoy her good qualities, but keep your expectations realistic. Because her motto is "me-first," getting angry or stating your needs won't phase her. To get her cooperation, show how your request satisfies her self-interest.

Vampire 2: The Victim. 

This vampire thinks the world is against him, and demands that others rescue him.

Self-defense tips: Don't be his therapist, and don't tell him to buck up. Limit your interactions, and don't get involved in his self-pity.

Vampire 3: The Controller. 

This vampire has an opinion about everything, thinks he knows what's best for you, has a rigid sense of right and wrong, and needs to dominate.

Self-defense tips: Speak up and be confident. Don't get caught up in bickering over the small stuff. Assert your needs, and then agree to disagree.

Vampire 4: The Criticizer. 

This vampire feels qualified to judge you, belittle you, and bolster her own ego by making you feel small and ashamed.

Self-defense tips: Don't take what she says personally. Address a misplaced criticism directly. Don't get defensive. Express appreciation for what's useful. Bounce back with a massive dose of loving-kindness.

Vampire 5: The Splitter. 

This vampire may treat you like his BFF one day, and then mercilessly attack you the next day when he feels wronged. He is often a threatening rageaholic who revels in keeping others on an emotional rollercoaster.

Self-defense tips: Establish boundaries and be solution-oriented. Avoid skirmishes, refuse to take sides, and avoid eye contact when he's raging at you. Visualize a protective shield around you when you're being emotionally attacked.

Judith Orloff, MD (www.judithorloff.com), is an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at UCLA. Her new book, upon which these tips are based, is "Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself from Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life."

* Click here to subscribe to Beyond Blue! And click here to follow Therese on Twitter. And click here to join Group Beyond Blue, a depression support group. Now stop clicking.

Many Beyond Blue readers are grieving loved ones, and the grief certainly contributes to their depression. A fantastic book I just came across is "Solace: Finding Your Way Through Grief and Learning to Live Again" by Roberta Temes, Ph.D., a noted psychotherapist and the author of "Living with an Empty Chair" and "The Tapping Cure." I have reprinted with permission of her publisher 11 ways kinds of therapies, or activities, to help you grieve a loss. 

Solace: Finding Your Way Through Grief and Learning to Live Again. By Roberta Temes, Ph.D. © 2009 Roberta Temes. All rights reserved. Published by AMACOM Books. www.amacombooks.org. A Division of the American Management Association

What can you do to feel better? Sometimes you need to take action. When you do something to relieve your feelings and to give yourself a sense of achievement, you are accomplishing your journey through bereavement. Here are some activities--and some behaviors you can do--that are therapeutic for you during your bereavement.

1. Work is therapy.

If you are lucky enough to have a job, return to it even if just on a part-time schedule. The structure of getting up and out, the obligation to greet fellow workers, and the need to keep yourself together for a requisite number of hours is good for you.

2. Socializing is therapy.

It's important for you to be among people. Lack of contact with friends and acquaintances is a predictor of difficulty in bereavement. There are probably folks who do not want to intrude in your life at this time and are deliberately staying away. If you are feeling isolated, then it's wise to get in touch with those folks who are being too polite. Set up a lunch date, a weekend walk, or a shopping trip. Adopt a new social policy and say "yes" whenever you are invited anywhere.

3. Organizing is therapy.

When life threatens to overwhelm you, it feels good to have control over something--even if that something is just a room, a desk drawer, a closet, or a shelf. Get yourself back under control by organizing one area of your home at a time. This is a good opportunity to figure out what to do with your loved one's belongings. Many people are helped when they bring all the loved one's items, objects, and clothes into one room.

Roberta Temes, Ph.D., author of "Solace: Finding Your Way Through Grief and Learning to Live Again," also offers 10 great suggestions on how to offer comfort to a friend or relative grieving the loss of a loved one. Here they are.

©2009 Roberta Temes Ph.D., author of "Solace: Finding Your Way Through Grief and Learning to Live Again."

1. Don't be shy. Talk to the bereaved, even if you are uncomfortable doing so. Remember that they are in far more discomfort than you. Call or email to say that you are thinking of them and would like to be useful.

2. Volunteer to drive them places. They will have immediate chores to do at a bank, a funeral home, and an attorney's office. Often they prefer company while doing these tasks but if not then you simply wait in the car.

3. Volunteer to bring over food. After the initial week or two, most family members will have resumed their usual schedules and are no longer available to literally cater to the bereaved. If the person says that they don't want anything then bring over soup and ice cream. Those are the best foods for a person in mourning because they contain enough calories to maintain nutrition yet require no biting and chewing. It is often difficult to bite or chew when deeply aggrieved.

4. Volunteer to do paper work. There are many forms that need to be filled out and the bereaved may not have the patience. You can ease the job by doing it with the person at your side responding to your questions.

Up until recently, "No" was dirty word to me. As a stage-four people-pleaser, my vocabulary was rich with affirmatives: "yeah," "sure," "okay," "absolutely," "no problem." But my mouth just couldn't seem to form the consonant-vowel combination required to say "No," even when "Yes" was simply impossible due to time conficts or just an overdose of stress in my daily life.

I would get stuck at "Nnnnnnn... alright." Which meant I was doing all kinds of things that I didn't want to, have to, or have time to do.

If you are like me, surrounded by a modest sampling of users, takers, and even well intentioned askers who could zap all your energy if you let them, take heart! Here are a few fun, simple techniques to get your mind and mouth to work in tandem to repeat after me: NO!

Click here to start setting better boundaries.

* Click here to subscribe to Beyond Blue! And click here to follow Therese on Twitter. And click here to join Group Beyond Blue, a depression support group. Now stop clicking.