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For her book, Shapiro interviewed 200 women of assorted backgrounds and ages, and asked them all kinds of nosy questions about their friends. The result is a labyrinth of 10 types of female friendships. I have excerpted the following descriptions from her book:

1. The Leader

The leader is the friend we feel we must have, the one who can make or break our social lives. Being the leader renders one a "winner"--she is strong and outspoken; she understands her potency. She is the one who gets us invited to parties and makes the decisions for herself and for her friends.

2. The Doormat

The doormat is a martyr, and the position she takes among her friends is obvious: She isn't one to make her demands known and rarely questions anything. She is useful when any friend, in any category, is in a bad way--the doormat absorbs her sorrows willingly. The doormat yearns to belong to a group, and also seeks out intimate friendships. To this end, she isn't critical and won't give you a hard time.

3. The Sacrificer

The sacrificer is the one who takes the leap for her friends, and in tough times, we lean on this person, who will answer her phone in the dead of night to console you. The sacrificer's search for closeness is often what motivates her, and she is confident that she can handle a friend's expectations. When a sacrificer discovers that her friends are less dedicated than she, she can be very disappointed.

4. The Misery Lover

Enough women describe their misery lover as a friend who cares more about your bad news than your good news. These friends rally when a crisis hits and are even able to make a small incident into a bigger problem, at times. Although we find this friend consoling when the chips are down--if you've gained weight or lost your job, had a fight with your sister or mother, begun divorce proceedings, or are suffering along with an unhappy child--when the situation improves, she distances herself.

Here are nine signs Susan Shapiro Barash lists to determine whether or not your friend is toxic. Click here to get to her original piece on wowOwow.com. I have excerpted below.

1) Your friend is jealous of you. Jealousy is different than envy and the first can be very toxic for the relationship. Jealousy is: "I want what you have and I want you dead or disappeared." Envy is just: "I want what you have." A jealous friend will want to cut you out of her life because she really wants what you have and can't stand to be around you anymore. An envious friend will want what you have, but will look to you as her inspiration or role model, and compete with you to get in the lead.

2) Your friend is a "doormat": It's tiring to always be with someone who is so malleable.

3) Your friend wasn't there for you. It's sometimes hard to see if a friend is really a true pal until there is a life-changing moment in your life that requires the person's support. This eye-opening event is called The Inciting Incident, which is when everything is going along fine, until wham! someone gets sick, or loses their job, or gets married or loses a loved one, and you find that the friend you thought would be by your side isn't there for you at all. She doesn't celebrate your good news nor does she help you in times of need. For some women it takes an "inciting incident" to finally notice that a friend is toxic.

4) Your friend is draining you: You feel you're psychologically and emotionally giving all your energy to her and receiving nothing in return.

5) You don't share the same values or the same world view: It's a red flag that this isn't the right friend for you if you don't respect her for who she is. I interviewed a woman who wished her friend's husband ill. It made the married woman realize that her friend's behavior is nothing like her own.

6) You are using one another: This type of toxic relationship develops among socialites. You want to be friends with your neighbor because your children attend the same private school and you can coordinate a carpool. Will the friendship last? Maybe. Is there really a friendship between the mothers or is it just using? Is it worth turning this friendship into anything more than an agreement?

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I'm in the process of dealing with a toxic friend. She is broken, in a different sort of way. We no longer have anything in common except for the past. Her relationship is highly destructive for me...I do not know how to handle it. She's narcissistic and very much a user. Help!

I brought up the question on a discussion thread on Group Beyond Blue. And here's what folks had to say:

Sometimes doing nothing is the best thing....move on...sometimes people need to be alone to figure out what is wrong in their life. I know sitting with myself taught me how to fix me...I gave my friend books and told her about meetings and it only made her mad.. so I just don't call. And when she calls I listen...I don't give advice...so she can listen to herself.....sometimes that's all they need....My friend is still lost....I've done all I can...--Hpower1

In my experience, once I have an idea of what another person is dealing (or not dealing) with, I can separate the "real person" from the "sick person". It gives me a way to stay sane in working with that person, knowing that the behavior that is bothersome or offensive isn't truly coming from that person, but from their illness.

In the words of a Gospel song, the other person may need us to "look beyond their fault and see their need". Not necessarily the expressed need, but the true need. It can be hard to look past what they're *saying* is their need to the deeper stuff that's going on. --Weeble75

I read the thread with great interest, because, as many of you know, this is a topic I struggle with and have discussed on Beyond Blue.

A few months back I let go of an important friendship in my life because I realized that our bond was rooted in my woundedness. That is, my intense connection with her wasn't about intimacy or respect or fellowship as much as it was an opportunity for me to enact the role of the wounded child.

After much grief and suffering ... and after six cycles of an unmistakable dysfunctional pattern, I finally distinguished the destructive dance of pursuit and withdrawal that was going on in our relationship.

I would reach out to her with (what I regarded as) an act of kindness ... like sending a meaningful gift with a heartfelt card of encouragement. I wouldn't hear anything in response, which hurt my feelings, So, feeling rejected, I would start to withdraw, at which point she would start to pursue me again.

I finally put the childhood piece of the puzzle together - duh! - when my sister an I were talking about the details of my parents' dysfunctional marriage and bitter divorce.