Just want
to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I
no longer open a public bathroom door without using a
paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying
about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I
can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t
know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie
channels.


I
can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last
washed.

I
have trouble shaking hands
with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while
driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking
the number one spot).

Eating
a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can
only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the
years.

I
can’t touch any woman’s purse for
fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I
MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to
whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now
have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to
scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I
no longer have any savings
because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the
hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I
no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in
their special e-mail program.

I
no longer worry about my soul
because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every
wish.

I
no longer eat KFC because their
chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers.


I
no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I
smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS
TO YOU I have learned
that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my
friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE
OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer
drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I
no longer can buy gasoline
without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl
in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.

I
no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people
who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’ on their
cans.

I
no longer use Saran Wrap in
the microwave because it causes cancer.

AND
THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I
can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up
in my face… disfiguring me for life.

I
no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could
be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I
no longer go to shopping malls
because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob
me.

I
no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I
no longer shop at Target
since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation
Army.

I
no longer answer the phone
because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone
bill with calls to  Jamaica ,  Uganda , Singapore , and  Uzbekistan
.

I
no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have
their recipe.

THANKS
TO YOU I can’t use
anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under
the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

AND
THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I
can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was
placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my
leg.

I
can no longer drive my car
because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!


I
can’t do any gardening
because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will
fall off.

If
you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second
husband’s cousin’s beautician . . ..

Oh,
by the way…..


A
German scientist from  Argentina , after a lengthy
study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read
their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t
bother taking it off now, it’s too Late!