April 2006 Archives

Steady CM readers know that my siblings and I recently set up our 91-year-old father's house to accommodate round-the-clock nursing care. We turned our late mother's dressing room into a pretty single bedroom just twenty feet from Dad's bed so that the live-in nurse can quickly rise and attend to Dad in the middle of the night.

When a nurse or hospice worker is on the job, the relationship gets quickly intimate. It's almost like an angel-confessor flutters in, and magically absorbs the family's woes. All was well when I came back to New York, and Dad was bonding nicely with all three of the women sharing his care.

Of the three, one woman stood out as an especially sweet, well-meaning soul. While Dave Ann was forty-something, and a mother of nearly grown kids, she seemed surprisingly young, like she was still emerging from a protective cocoon. In the course of the time my sister and I were down there, I developed the self-indulgent fantasy that Dave Ann was opening up and finding our family fascinating: she accompanied Dad to his first appointment with an acupuncturist two weeks ago (somewhat thrust upon him by his bossy urban daughters), she listened to a Handel oratorio with us at high volume, she watched parts of a long documentary on the life of Theodore Roosevelt (and seemed so interested that my sister offered her the tape to take home), and she'd helped Dad and his wheelchair get to church just last Sunday.

Wednesday night, we received the most implausible, tragic news from her employer: Dave Ann was dead. She'd died in a car crash on Tuesday. A rear tire had blown, and she'd lost control.

My first chattering thought, upon getting this news secondhand from my sister, was: "No, it's Dad who is close to death. Dad is 91. Dave Ann is young. She just joined us." After processing the fact that I knew she had children, and that her husband had died several years ago, I was racked with grief for her remaining family.

"Dad," I said the next day, still struggling to absorb the sequence of events, "since you still write columns for the newspaper, maybe you should write something about Dave Ann. Perhaps you should gather your thoughts on the...I don't know, maybe it's the seeming randomness of death. Maybe in paying tribute to her, you could also deal with what's happening to you."

He didn't jump at my suggestion. He is still weak. He can only do so much. So he sent a wonderful note, a check, and a ham to Dave Ann's family.

Up until this morning, if you can believe it, I'd actually forgotten that I am blogging, and that I could tell you about this up-ending experience. When I told the whole story to Beliefnet.com's astrology columnist Shelley Ackerman, she said, "When you analyze the final days of someone's life, they are always amazing."

And Dave Ann's were amazing. One light has been shut off. But another is lit and burning. I remember giving Dave Ann a kiss on the cheek when I left. Silly chattering me was thinking: "I wonder if kissing Dave Ann is appropriate." And now I'm so glad I kissed her. I'm so glad I did.

"Death is a difficult topic, but thinking about it is so worthwhile. Understanding death will transform how we live. We will instinctively know what's important and what's not. We will want to cultivate qualities that will make us blossom spirtually and radiate peace and joy for all--and not just in this life, but also in the infinite future."

--Tulku Thondup Rinpoche in an article called "Living Death," in the May issue of Alternative Medicine: The Art and Science of Healthy Living.

How to Tame a Wild Parent
From the excellent new paperback "Teens Ask Deepak: All the Right Questions" by Deepak Chopra.

Do not give them reason to worry.

See things from their point of view.

Give them the benefit of the doubt.

Make housework a little easier.

Be responsible for your own schedule.

Take care of your health.

Make a few sacrifices of time and effort.

Show that you care about the sacrifices they've made for you.

"I sometimes wish you were more of a religious teacher," I once told a therapist I'd been seeing for years.

"My own children have said the same thing," he said. Then I think he chuckled softly.

Today, many more psychotherapists are acquainting themselves with life's spiritual dimension in spite of their training. Times have changed, and the realms of psychotherapy and spirituality are cross-pollinating!

That's why I'm ecstatically gleeful to introduce you to the audio downloads at Shrink Rap Radio! Here, you'll find psychologist David Van Nuys's fascinating conversations with a crew of highly regarded psychologists and psychiatrists interested in spirituality, parapsychology, healing, and higher consciousness. This morning, for instance, I listened to a wonderful interview on Shrink Rap with renowned psychologist Charlie Tart, who was among the group of curious researchers who first wrote about the spiritual characteristics of psychedelic drug use in the 1960s. Today, Tart wants to know more about the altered states of consciousness achieved through meditation. A godfather of the New Age movement, Tart also edits an archive of hard-to-explain, "transcendent" moments experienced by scientists.

Shrink Rap has other interviews with marvelous titles like: "The Impact of Spiritual Transformation on Healing from Serious Illness," and "Shamanic Psychology." By all means, check it out!

Hey gals: Do you want to have a good menopause? This may not be the most burning question for all of my readers, but for those of us contemplating it, please, can we talk? I was just saying to the critical care nurse practitioner/nutritionist who has become my reproductive health caretaker that I really want to have a good menopause--that doesn't seem too much to ask--but everything I'm hearing in the news has made a woman's later years sound confusing and awful.

Fear not, this herb-and-vitamin dispensing medical professional (who comes from a food-loving Italian family) told me: There is hope, there is time, and many gazillions of pioneering women have gone before me. Apparently, the roots of a good menopause are embedded in the adrenal glands. These cute adrenaline-producing little fellas sit on top of the kidneys, releasing hormones. And as a woman ages, her "mission control" shifts from the ovaries to the adrenals. That's why dehydrated women who drink coffee heavily, shout directives at coworkers, and locate stress in every disappointment, might have a harder time with hot flashes than women who eat wisely, stay hydrated, and get their C- and B-vitamins ingested between yoga sessions. I know, my explanation of this is not phrased in the language of an expert. But the bottom line is that if the adrenal glands are stressed going into menopause, then menopause can become the hardship that breaks the adrenal's back, as it were.

Let me refer you to good online sources that describe this phenomenon properly (here and here and here) and echo what my nurse just told me. Additionally, I have discovered a website on menopause that I'd like to share. Write in if you have "good menopause" stories!

Share this with your friends who are clinging to any particular best-selling diet book regimen!"Do not become so diet-conscious as for the diet to become master, rather than the self being master of the diet."--Edgar Cayce, from "No Soul Left...

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Let the sunshine in! Naturally. I've purchased three seven-ounce tubes of UV Natural SPF 30+ sunscreen, which is now selling at Whole Foods, Nordstrom, and in the Chinaberry and Isabella catalogs. (Pssst: here's a link to a place that reduces...

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I think we did so well by Paul (whose spam filter has kicked back my note telling him we tackled his relationship problem last week), that I'm now encouraging all readers to ask me for assistance in addressing personal/spiritual challenges....

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This month's Sage Woman magazine ("celebrating the goddess in every woman") gives Real Simple and other slick, "complicated lifestyle magazines" a run for their money with articles like "Simplicity as an Act of Worship," and "Packing Light." Formerly the mag...

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If you work as a manager/team leader, or if you know someone currently struggling to stay conscious and heart-centered in a business management or ownership situation, the Center for Mindfulness in Medicine, Health Care, and Society is coordinating a "Power...

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Thanks to reader Wendy for recommending these two uplifting, well-reviewed GameCube games: It's a Wonderful Life (part of the "Harvest Moon" series), and Animal Crossing. I'm ordering them today (since the elder Chattering has a birthday in May), and I'll...

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Brooklyn-based, internationally-known Feng Shui teacher Nancy SantoPietro recently sent the following invitation to those interested in studying what she calls "Chakracology," a healing method she created that combines shining colored light on the body with music and sound to heal...

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In the coming monthsOmega Institute will provide live web broadcasts of three major workshops. For a fee that ranges from $65 to $100, you'll be able to experience retreats broadcast live from Rhinebeck, New York, from the comfort of your...

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I have seen the future of jewelry and this is it: beautifully arranged, energetically potent gemstones charged with healing Reiki energy. Wow. Wouldn't you love to wear jewelry that has been prayed over to bless you? If you were ill,...

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Below, a request from CM readers researching a spiritual pet book: - Do you consider your relationship to your pets(s) sacred and spiritual? - Do you count furry, fishy, or flying friends as part of the family? - Are there...

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"One lamp--thy mother's love--amid the starsShall lift its pure flame changeless, and beforeThe throne of God, burn through eternity--Holy--as it was lit and lent thee here."--Nathaniel Parker Willis...

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Much as I'd like to say, "My kids play their cellos every morning and are partial to Bach," they actually play computer games on Saturdays, Sundays, and some vacation days. I held off on these until the oldest Chattering felt...

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"Movie Mom" Nell Minow, my favorite online film critic, recently wrote a great piece for the Chicago Tribune about her reaction to seeing parents plop a DVD player in front of their daughter so the youngster could watch a Disney...

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Thanks for your posts! Keep writing! I got some good ones on how to speak to the dead. A reader named Mary said that she talks to her deceased Mom all the time. "I ask her for guidance. She helps...

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Great thoughts from you on money too!Chanteuse writes: "I value my time more highly and my money less so, so I take less care of it while I focus on getting kids to various activities and on arranging a few...

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CM reader Paul has a dilemma. He writes: "I'm in a relationship with a woman who, over dinner, continues to bring up incidents with grown children (who've moved away), and an ex-husband (who has remarried). She does not understand why...

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"In the practice of Intimate Communion we learn that love is something you do, not something you fall into or out of. Love is something that you practice, like playing tennis or the violin, not something you happen to feel...

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"Leave behind all regrets about the past, let us not make the path to the future difficult for ourselves. The very mistakes of the past must not fix attention upon themselves. Striving into the future must be so strong that...

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After blogging last week on James Van Praagh's views of the afterlife, I was asked by reader Azmina how she might contact her deceased husband. I have my own ideas, but on this I decided to consult my pal Sarvananda...

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"If we have lost someone we love, we must be able to raise ourselves to a feeling of thankfulness that we have had him; we must be able to think selflessly of what he was to us until his death,...

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The Chattering boys are out of school all week, so today I took them to New York City's historic Central Park Zoo (I had to blog until three in the morning to earn this day off, but I'm so glad...

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"How would love wash a dish? While standing at the kitchen sink, breathing love in and out of your heart, feeling outward to the moment's open edge, how does your body rub the soapy sponge across the surface of each...

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From reader Pacific231: "Borg's "Meeting Jesus Again for the First Time" is essential reading. I could totally relate to his personal religious conundrum and found his book extremely helpful."From reader Rebecca T:"I'm not a fan of Borg myself. It's not...

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"Spiritual development is basically an attempt to balance two opposing forces in human nature. We are two-natured beings. One in us moves toward God, and the other moves out toward the world. This is humanity's uniqueness, its glory, and its...

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I've been thinking about the soul of money because, as you know, it's tax time. Happily, our 2005 return is ready to mail, but once again, Mr. Chattering and I won't know what we're really owed; we're too busy with...

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"National boundaries are illusions. They are man made. So for instance, if a rainforest is cut down, we lose the lungs of our planet. And when the lungs are lost, the results are felt throughout the whole world."--Dr. Brian Weiss...

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"Somehow the notion of putting specific requests to God strikes me as unseemly, if not absurd. I squirm when I hear trendy clergymen asking God to attend to our balance of payments, or to adjust the terms of trade more...

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Do you want to eat healthier and raise kids with good eating habits, but lack new ideas as you stand at the health food store thinking, "I'm so tired of packing my kid's lunch, I can barely stand it"? My...

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Do you keep non-functioning electronics, hoping that some day you'll figure out how to responsibly trash them? As if in honor of spring cleaning, Salon has published a hugely helpful article by Elizabeth Grossman on how to recycle toxic trash....

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Easter is never problematic in terms of what I like to do: dye eggs, stage an Easter egg hunt, eat at least one chocolate bunny, enjoy the warmer weather, and wrestle once again--quietly and in my own way--with the notion...

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"I don't know if the conversations I have with God are actually prayer, but I have faith that the conversation is enough. I believe in karma and trying to 'do the right thing.' I believe in Mother Nature and try...

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I'm not complaining. My father is staying in a pretty good hospital, but if I ran the zoo (a reference to that amazing Dr. Seuss book), man-oh-man, everything would be different. My ideal hospital would be a center for true...

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"We don't need to overcomplicate things with all sorts of wandering discursive thoughts, superstitions, doubts, and over-thinking everything. Be strong and straightforward within, have strong intention, and develop firm faith, devotion and inner conviction. What you decide to do, you...

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Thanks to all the readers who've shared their stories about caring for elderly or ailing family members. Kathryn, currently preparing to bid farewell to her dad, wrote this: We have decided to obey his every request right now, including letting...

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Do you hate hospitals? Almost everybody does. But today, my ten hours in a regional medical center tending to my ailing father weren't awful. I went in well-armed with bottled water, Arnica creams, essential oils, and yes, even Steven Halpern's...

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I'm generally not so keen on contacting the dead, and I'm bothered when TV psychics and mediums say things like, "I'm seeing a girl. Do you have a sister? A daughter? Oh, of course, your niece!" I essentially agree with...

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I believe that there is a mysterious and graceful and miraculous Coherence stitched through this world. I believe that this life is an extraordinary gift, a blink of bright light between vast darknesses. I believe that the fingerprints of...

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Actress Gwyneth Paltrow and her husband Chris Martin have named their new baby Moses. Apparently, Moses is a common male first name these days, "ranking 472 out of 1219 for males of all ages in the 1990 U.S. Census," says...

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Check out the April issue of Real Simple. It contains a marvelous article about Kate Munger's all-volunteer choir that sings for the terminally ill. "I don't feel like I've given up anything to do this. I get unbelievable riches, though...

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Lord, make us instruments of your divine madness. Make us empty so we can know the fullness of your mysteries. Help us experience who we are not so we can become who we are. Help us be serious about the...

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What is it about teacher, intuitive, and mystic activist Carolyn Myss? Over the years, I've been sort of put off by her. But after hearing her Omega fearless speech, I'm utterly smitten. She's got this marvelous stand-up schtick, with her...

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There's much to tell about last weekend's "Being Fearless" conference, organized by the increasingly influential Omega Institute (be sure to get a copy of the summer program catalog here). Within twenty hours, I saw Malcolm Gladwell, Caroline Myss, Wayne Dyer,...

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I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge--That myth is more potent than history.I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts--That hope always triumphs over experience--That laughter is the only cure for grief.And I believe that love is stronger...

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My substitute last week posted an item on why she was "over" astrology, and she got this thoughtful response from "Willsea.""Astrology, taken from the broad view, can create metaphors that lead us back to the self. It's not about "accuracy"...

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"You know, according to Tibetan Black Hat Feng Shui, when a light fixture in the center of the house is broken, it can affect the residents' health," I said to our electrician while he installed a mission chandelier at home...

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I forced myself to watch (for you) the online trailer to the upcoming film about United's Flight 93, the flight where passengers bravely disrupted the hijacker's 9/11 plot to destroy the White House. It's being billed as an "unflinching drama"...

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Now, who am I to stir you up? Is it my job to give you more chattering thoughts? Well, I felt I needed to alert you to a new cell phone/brain tumor study. It's not definitive. But it's not good...

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Every day, think as you wake up:Today I am fortunate to have woken up.I am alive, I have a precious human life.I am not going to waste it.I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand...

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Hold on to your yarmulkes. Here's a 60-second animated Passover seder, in Hebrew no less. It's cute, but hardly captures the real flavors.Oh my G_d! The first time I tasted horseradish on a matzoh with haroset (chopped apples, dates, raisins,...

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My fourth-grade son is required to write a 600-word biography of the Portuguese navigator Esteban Gomez, a man known for establishing that there was no easy trade route to China through the New World, around 1524. Because the young Chattering...

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Those of you reading this blog Tuesday evening will appreciate that tomorrow, at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00 a.m., the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06That won't ever happen again. Thanks so much to Rev. Vic Fuhrman,...

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Have you noticed the songs of the birds returning to your neighborhood? I’m always amazed at how they spring into song the moment the weather warms. Our parakeet, who recently died, was a marathon warbler. Three years ago, we bred...

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It was great to see Mr. Chattering and the kids again. But while I was gone my children acquired new friends--thriving head lice. Apparently, our school has become infested. Two hours into my homecoming, I was combing Pantene cream rinse...

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I've seen a realm I knew existed but hadn’t visited before. It's a world in which you say to a Delta ticket agent: "My 91-year-old father is terribly ill, and I can't spontaneously pay $1,200 for every plane ticket." It's...

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Did you catch actor Hal Holbrook (in the guise of a hospital patient) tell Tony Soprano last night that "We are all connected. We are all one"? Later in the program, the nation's favorite gangster confesses that he's thinking we...

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