The quote for today is: "
Do not dare to live without some clear intention toward which your living shall be bent. Mean to be something with all your might."
- Phillips Brooks

Okay, I did this most my life, and found my life was moot.
However, straight to the point: I struggle with not doing what I thought I was supposed to do: Grow up, get married, go to work every day, take care of family and home, and hope to do it in good health until we grow old one day,...

However, I have come to believe that obviously wasn't in God's plan for me after all. I've finally accepted this, except the part about not going to work every day, to "make a living" hoping it is something we do well and enjoy and are compensated satisfactorily. I need to feel validated, and the only way I think I ever did, was when someone needed me to do something, and that would make me feel needed, and then to earn a wage is the American way.

So now, I try so hard not to "flounder around uselessly", while it grows harder to find ways to feel "useful". I try to "socialize" with others, and I don't feel comfortable doing so. I used to never be home, and now I don't want to leave. It's like I can't find a way to fit in to anything anymore. I don't have any of the same friends, and have felt like a stranger at family functions. I try to find reason, rhyme and purpose, bot that is my struggle, for I feel just blind. Afraid that maybe I don't have any talents, I try to get rid of the negative, and put in the positive, I try so hard to relate, and just feel further lost than I cared to.

I have never cared about how the world viewed me, as I am an accepting, non-judgemental type, and understanding, while even working on being patient. Lately, I've only been told most negative things, and I "consider the suorce" and manage to not let it bother me, but lately, I try to be around folks and find it painfully hard, that even though I don't necessarily feel judged, I just feel the other guy has the wrong idea about me. I have always felt that way, amd more often that not, it is true.

Lately, I am at loss. While not in the situtation I would have picked as I started earlier, I have accepted what life has offered, figureing it is my choice somehow, and so I must be here now, to figure out where to go from here, knowing too painfully where "here" is, and have no idea what direction I am to follow, much less start heading that way. Of course I try to all the suggestions: read the Bible, pray to God, Keep the faith, power of positive,...I get ideas, but carrying them out has become too hard? Or the choices I thought I would have liked to have picked from are not offered.

I am too empathetic, I tend to care more than I should, I try to always seem positve, and influence good. I try to related like I think I should. Try not to over analyse, life is too short. Be happy with what you have, not wht you think you want, Practice the "Secret", go make a list, surf on the web for my latest interest.

Fish out of water, I can't seem to get back to stay. That is the only true wish I have left today. If nothing ever changed really, I could survive, but I know there is so much more to being alive!

Posted by: Gelene | February 7, 2008 5:57 AM

Hi Phillip,

I can relate to what you said about how you used to be on the go all the time and now you just want to stay in and not go anywhere. And, also about how you just don't seem to fit in anymore.

I went through that about 3 years ago. What got me out of it was a friend's advice...

"Accept that God Wants you to be alone right now. Accept that the feelings you are having are coming from Him! Accept that God may just want you to move closer to him and spend some quality time with him. Not because you have to or think you should...but because He wants you to and you want to get to know him better."

I took my friends advice. I began looking on my times alone as opportunities to be with God. I didn't just pray, or read my bible...although I did those too...I began to talk out loud to God! I told him my thoughts, my feelings, my frustrations. I asked his advice on issues I was dealing with day to day. I even told him a few jokes..clean ones of course! See, I began to see God as a friend. A friend that had asked to spend time with me. I began to treat him and talk to him as my Friend.

After I began to do this, I noticed shortly afterwards that my discomfort at being with people began to ease. I began to take interest in things and activities again. I no longer felt like a fish out of water...or a ship without a compass. My priorities were in the right order again and I was able to enjoy each of them! God was back up at the top of the list. I didn't have to explain it to anyone. I didn't have to make excuses or try to justify it. It just was.

My life got back on track by just listening, and accepting, and acting on God's request to spend time with me.

I hope this helps you and encourages you...

Be Blessed Phillip,
Dove's Delight

Posted by: Dove's Delight | February 8, 2008 4:21 AM