Finding Ways to Be Fearless: March 2009 Archives

I spent nine years with my ex-boyfriend, Bernard. It would have been easy for me to decide that Bernard wouldn't marry me because I wasn't good enough or I wasn't the woman he wanted--because, in short, he had rejected me. I had certainly worked hard at the beginning of our relationship to gain his approval, in part because he was older and more learned than I was. But deep down, I knew his fear of commitment had nothing to do with me. Many women stay in unhappy relationships because they crave the approval of their partner--it is what lets them feel OK about themselves. But here's the rub: The only way to truly love another person is first to learn to love and accept ourselves and our shortcomings.

Are you in a relationship in which you can be your best self? Make a list of what you see as your shortcomings, and next to each one, brainstorm some ways in which these traits have also benefited you.

--Arianna Huffington

In the book I talk about the first big love of my life: Bernard Levin. We met on a panel for a British TV show when I was 21. Bernard was twice my age exactly, with an encyclopedic knowledge of just about everything. We were together for almost nine years, and I was crazy about him. Around the time that I turned 30, I realized he was never going to marry me: he had no interest in children, and no interest in settling down. I was desperate to have children. I knew what I had to do, and it was the toughest, most fearless decision I've ever made: I left him. Not only did I leave him, but I left London as well, and moved to New York. I was terribly afraid to be on my own, especially in a new country, but I pushed through the fear, and that decision got me to where I am today.

What benefits have you gained by striking out on your own, whether in actuality or metaphorically? How has your sense of self deepened because of it?

--Arianna Huffington

Growing up in Athens, I would venture away from home out into the neighborhood, but I was never without a mother. Every woman on our block would treat me like her daughter, whether it was to feed me or scold me. Of course, life is much different today, but it's possible to re-create that world by building an extended family of grandparents, aunts and uncles, and friends from whom to draw strength and fearless support. I am fortunate to have my sister Agapi, who has become like a second mother to my children.

Do you have a fearless tribe around you? If not, who would you invite to join you and why?

--Arianna Huffington