The question about loneliness is: Why do people do this to themselves? Why do Americans, who reported an average of nearly three close friends in 1985, now report an average of just over two? And why does one in four have nobody with whom to discuss personal issues? This is the age of Oprah and MySpace, of public emoting on television and the Web. Apparently people watch "Friends" but don't actually have many.
[snip]
You can see how this American isolationism sets in. Modern society creates the tools that allow you not to save -- if you have to pay for the kids' college, you can refinance your home -- while doing little to change the basic need to save for old age and misfortune. In the same way, modern society creates tools that extend your casual networks -- e-mail, instant messaging, social-networking Web sites -- while doing nothing to remove the basic need for soul mates.
Meanwhile, people work more hours. They commute longer because they've moved to the exurbs in search of larger homes; they've got spacious entertainment rooms but no mental space for entertaining. And then there's the subtle effect of the culture. "Family time" is endlessly extolled, and lovers emit poetry and song about every facet of their relationships. But when was the last time a rock singer or a new man waxed lyrical about friendship?
Yet the biggest reason for American loneliness, and perhaps the clue to some kind of cure, lies in path dependency. People know that tending to friendship is important, but their behavior follows the path created by countless other decisions -- and friendship is neglected.
Read the whole thing here.
It's all too easy to recognize oneself in this portrait. For all the extolling of friendship and socializing in "Crunchy Cons," it recently occurred to me that I am forever telling friends that we "just have to have dinner" with them ... but we rarely get around to doing it. Everybody's so busy. It's such a big deal to pull everything together for a dinner. Or so it seems. We go for weeks, and even months, without seeing people we really care about. The last time one couple we really like came over was just before Christmas in 2004. We keep talking about getting together again ... but it never happens. And when we do have friends over to dinner, we always remark afterward how much fun that was, and wonder why we don't do it more often.
I hate this, but how to make it stop? Mallaby says social science experiments find that if you have in place structures that compel behavior with what amounts to a nudge, people will comply. One of my colleagues here at the paper says that he and several neighbors have a standing date to have dinner together at one of their houses each month. It's a potluck, so it doesn't put any host out too much. The point is not to eat prime rib, but just to be together, drinking and eating and talking and practicing the art of being friends and neighbors. I bet if they didn't have this standing date -- and the "path dependency" it creates -- it'd be a lot harder to pull that off.
Thoughts? How do we avoid a "Cat's in the Cradle" future regarding our social lives?
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I have had the same very close friends for all of my life. My husband is added into that mix, as were his friends and their wives and my friends and their husbands. At the beginning of this year, I gained a whole other new mixed bag of friends, some single, but most of them married, when we started attending a church in our immediate neighborhood which is over 5 times larger than the one we used to attend and where I grew up. I do see people who are shy and retiring and aren't comfortable in the largeness of that church. I was that way in high school and I know how it feels. You have to make a special effort not to leave those people out of the loop. They do want to be included. You have to draw them into your conversations-invite them in because they don't feel "apart of" whatever you're doing or talking about. Many people won't make that effort. They'll just let them be. Those shy people are there to worship, yes, but they're also there because they don't want to be lonely. They want someone to hear them too.>
It seems my experience in keeping close friends is fivefold: A) good quality beer (Abbey, Full Sail, Shiner); B) good food (not expensive, but good); C) smoking (sounds strange but smoking is social; not all my friends smoke though); D) organize; E) it does help to hold common shared values. St. Francis de Sales has some words to say on friendship in "Philothea.">
With the couples you enjoyed socializing with, the way to make it stop is to pick up the phone or get on email already, call or write them, and find a dinner date that works for both of you. As for the larger problem, I can't really speak to it because in fact I don't really enjoy socializing in large groups; it can be tormentuous to have people feeling sorry for me and trying to include me when I really do not mind being alone for decent stretches of time.>
If I may be so bold, and rather than using them to fill up this space in a direct effort to toot my own horn:
The Failure of Online Community.
And it's immediate predecessor in context and background.>
I've posted before on another blog (Swami Uptown, btw) that was also about loneliness that I prefer to be alone.
I said before I grew up in a very violent, alcoholic family, and the times when I was surrounded by people was when I was the most miserable. I joined groups and met people I didn't really want to just to get out of the house, to "make connections and network", (which I detested) and finally realized that I don't want to live other's lives, or be in their cliques, I'll live my own life, thanks much.
I live in Reddest of the Red States, in a VERY conservative area, where NASCAR Dads and Soccer Moms rule. Fine for them, not for me.
I keep in touch with family and friends by e - mail and the occassional phone call. Works for me, your opinion may vary.>
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