Time watches from the shadow

I don't even understand how 20-somethings have the energy. And some of us decided way back as far as elementary school to not have kids.

Rod, it's a swap, from someone who married and had children early (by today's customs), it was exhausting as well, maybe not because of age, but rather finances. Not many of us who start at the ideal biological age are at the ideal financial status. So, no matter when, it's just not easy. It's a lot of work. And for someone who did have one child in the later years, too, IMO there's another swap -- I feel that parents in the later years are better at parenthood, FWIW.

Happy birthday, AnotherBeliever! :) I think it's a good thing that women--and men--are starting to question that ubiquitous notion that "you can have it all." Clearly, we can't, and for women this may mean taking the biological reality into consideration when we make career plans. On the other hand, a woman who is in good shape can extend that biological clock a bit. My mom had her first child when she was twenty-two, and her ninth when she was forty-seven. She's in her sixties now, and still runs circles around me in terms of sheer energy!

We had our first at age 23, and now we're 33 and have four kids. I cannot imagine waiting until after thirty to begin. Hell, I can't even imagine waiting until the late 20s. I have so much less energy at this age for chasing toddlers and and being awake for middle of the night feedings than I did at 23. I am so glad we started early. I am definitely more relaxed now, and have more patience, but wow I wish I had more of the energy I used to! It's definitely a trade off, and yes, it was hard to be 23 with kids and living off just my husband's (low, shamefully low) enlisted pay in a crappy apartment as we were at the time; but after having talked to friends facing difficulties in having their children in their late 30s, I'd take financial struggles over fertility and age struggles any day. I mean hell, we still struggle financially 10 years later, so waiting for the right "financial" time to have kids wouldn't have helped us any anyway. :) And for what it's worth, we look back now on those lean, early years and laugh and get nostalgic about how fun they were. Never once have we looked back and said "damn, I wish we'd waited to have the kids until we were older and had more money".

Frank, have you considered adoption?

God bless you and your wife in your faithfulness Frank. You have my prayers.

I feel for the woman who posted the article, even if my empathy is intellectual rather than emotional. She really seems to be in pain, and my heart and prayers go out to her. I turned 45 last weekend. Never married, not even close. Very few relationships, actually. I've just always functioned best alone. When I was growing up I guess I always assumed I'd get married and have kids, simply because most of the adults I knew did. But I just never seemed to meet the right woman, and I just never felt "ready". I still don't, to be honest. Esp. for kids. I can honestly say I've *never* wanted kids. I have no small children in my life. No nieces or nephews, no young cousins I see with any frequency, no children of friends, nada. Even at my age, very few of my close friends have gotten married (and only one is gay, to my knowledge). We jokingly refer to ourselves as the Overeducated Bums. ;-) But I didn't like children even when I was a child; I always got along better with my parents' friends than with their children who were our age. When I see a young couple with small children, my first reaction is "Yuck!". My second reaction is, "There but for the grace of God go I." So I think it's fair to say that I'm not cut out to be a father. And, if I want to be a faithful Catholic, that means remaining single. Or, I supposed I could just wait another ten years; then I could marry a woman who is post-menopausal, and it won't be an issue. ;-) Besides, I barely have enough energy now to deal with my *cat*, let alone with kids! Seriously, though, I do sometimes wonder whether, in 10 or 20 or (Deo volente) 30 years I will regret not having children. My sister and her husband also have no children, so my parents -- who would be lovely grandparents -- have no grandchildren; in fact they are the only couple in their circle of friends who don't. God bless them, they don't seem to care. But when I think about that, and about the fact that I won't have anyone coming after me, the oddest thoughts pop into my head -- not, "Who will choose my nursing home?", but "What will I do with my father's pocket watch if I have no one to whom to leave it?" ;-) Strange thoughts. Honestly,the *only* thought that makes we wish I had children is the thought that my parents really would be terrific grandparents (or would have been 10 or 15 years ago, when they were younger and more energetic), and there won't be any children who have memories of my parents as their grandparents. But I don't think that alone is sufficient reason for me to have children. But I admit I do think more and more about being alone, and wonder whether I will continue to be content as I grow older. It's hard to say. Honestly, there are very few things I enjoy doing (other than singing and acting) that require the presence, let alone the participation of another human being. I go out to eat alone, go to movies and plays and museums alone, go on vacations alone. As I said, I just seem to function better and more contentedly alone. But there are times I wonder whether I'm just fooling myself. One thing that occurred to me as I turned 45 was that I have to accept the fact that I have pretty much aged out of the first-marriage dating market -- esp. in Texas. (In the Northeast or Midwest it's a lot more common to find never-married people in their 30s and 40s than it is here.) The problem is that, since I've never been married and don't have kids, I am only interested in dating women who have the same background. In Texas, that cuts out about 95% of my age-appropriate dating pool. ;-) But if I want to get married in the Catholic Church (and I would, if I did), marrying someone divorced can be problematic. Besides, it might sound selfish, but I don't want to be someone's second act. So, I think a great deal about the fact that I'm still single at 45. I can't really blame it on anything but my lethargy, since I've never dated much. (And I'm afraid I can't say that I've used the time instead to become successful in a career, either.) I'm not necessarily unhappy about it, and if I never make a connection with anyone I won't be devastated. But I do wonder what growing old alone will be like, and whether solitude will really be as comfortable as I get older as it is now. But I really don't think I will regret not having children. (Yes, I know, famous last words that I might come to regret.) Not ever having married, perhaps. But even as I have gotten older I have not come to like children any more than I ever did.
Perhaps this is a good time to mention that my parents are going to be celebrating their 49th anniversary next month. So I certainly have a good example before me of the Road Not Taken.

I should add that I'm a real fish out of water here at Baylor, which is very family-friendly place. Students often get married right after they graduate, if not before, and most of the younger faculty have several kids apiece. Not only have I gotten to the point where I'm the same age as some of my students' parents, if not older; I think I'm getting to the age were some people here become *grandparents*. (Shudder!)

To each his own.There is no right or wrong answer. And to generalize one way or the other cheapens the ideal.
I was not ready to be married in my 20s, and frankly I think few people are. But by the same token I know people who are still happily married since their 20s. And I know people who got married young who you knew were making a mistake. I know one relationship in my 20s than would've been a disasterous marriage, and another in my early 30s that would've been even worse for entirely different reasons.
How can you generalize about something so personal? I'd suggest you really shouldn't. The dangerous part of any article like this is sounds like on of those self-absorbed Manhattan-Cambridge-LA-Berkely lifstyle generalizations that you see in new York Magazine that don't have an ounce of meaning.

Thanks, Bugg. You said what I was thinking. I've enjoyed hearing all the different stories of the different ways to have families. I'd hate to see this morph into an attempt to define the one best way to do it.

I'm going to be fifty nine in a couple of months. I'm excited about it. I think fifty nine sounds so much better, I don't know why, just do. I believe life gets better as we get older. I think it's all about the taste buds, they seem to get better with use. It doesn't matter if it's work, sex, or just relationshippping, they all get better with age. And I have to believe it's about the taste buds. My first came at twenty five and the latest is a grandchild who is eight months now. No incest, but my youngest daughter loves me enough to want me to be part of her daughter's life, not as a staple, I'm a treat you might say, for all involved. It's an enviable role and I appreciate it so much. Look at aging like I look at the seasons. In the winter time I'm so glad the days are short because working outside is no fun in the cold. And it's so generous of the powers that be to make the days longer when the real work has to get done. One of the complaints I hear about getting old is the aches and pains. When a cold front comes through I do get the pains. All the broken bones send their memory ticklers for me to enjoy. Thirty four years ago today I was two days away from breaking my left foot for the first time. The day before my son was born I broke that puppy bigtime. It had to have been hilarious to see this newbie father hobbling down the halls of the hospital happier than he had any right to be. Life is good and good is where you find it.

My husband and I met as 18-year-old college freshman and got married in 2003 at the age of 23, which is very young for this day and age. We had a surprise pregnancy 3 months after we got married (these things happen when you re Catholic). Our daughter is almost 3. She is an amazing, beautiful, delightful child, a true blessing from God, despite being a complete surprise. I have some female problems and may not be able to have more children, at least not without some difficultly, so I really think she was a small miracle. God really knew what He was doing.
HOWEVER as wonderful as she is, our journey has been incredibly difficult. It may be harder physically having children when you re older, but trust be, it s also exhausting when you re young. (I have NEVER been able to pull an all-nighter, but maybe that s just me). We are quite frugal and have no debt, but it s still been hard. I was fired from my job when I was 7 months pregnant and had to find another one. I temped for awhile and found another job for lower pay, a month before my daughter was born. I would have loved to be a stay at home mom, but we couldn t afford it. It may be harder to conceive when you re older, but it s much easier to live on one income when you re more established. I had to go back to work when she was 3 months old and that first day back was pure torture. Fortunately my wonderful mother-and-law watches my daughter during the day, for free, so we don t have to pay for daycare. I don t know how we would have afforded daycare either if it wasn t for my mother-in-law we d be screwed.
After I went back to work I was getting sick constantly from the lack of sleep. I used to get sick about once a year now it was once a month. I had shingles and mono. My husband started grad school when our daughter was about a year old so that he could make more money and I could work part-time instead of full-time in a couple of years. I ve had to do most of the housework in addition to working full-time since he has classes and studying.
Fortunately things have stabilized, our daughter sleeps all night, my husband has only 2 semesters left and I don t get sick nearly as much as I did. We are incredibly lucky to have both sets of parents nearby, both of whom have given us lots of emotional support and free babysitting. They are also both rather well-off and would help us out financially if we really needed it. We still need both incomes, but I ll probably be able to go part-time in a couple years.
The thing is, a lot of people our age (mid-20s) aren t lucky enough to have parents who live nearby or who are well-off financially. Without that support, getting married and having children young is incredibly difficult. If you want to live on one income, it s going to be almost impossible. The infuriating thing is that our society makes it so difficult. Housing and college are much more expensive than they used to be. People need more education than they used to. You can no longer support a family on a high school diploma. For most of human history people married and had children young. They also lived near extended family and had lots of support. I believe that s the most natural way, the way God intended for most people, but our society makes it incredibly hard.
Our daughter is wonderful, but it would have been MUCH easier if she had arrived a few years later when my husband was done with school and I didn t have to work full-time. I wish I could have had that time to be at home with her. Now that time is gone and I ll never get it back. If I had had her at age 30 instead of 24, I might have been able to stay home with her. Yes, a lot of people purposely delay marriage and children out of selfishness, but I think many more are afraid of what having a child so young would entail in this day and age, and rightly so. The heart of the problem is a society that doesn t allow early marriage and childbearing.

It occurs to me that this whole problem of youthful fertility vs. older stability is why in many societies it has been customary for older men to marry younger women. The woman started having children when she was young, and her husband was old enough that he had become established in a career, or had some money saved up. Yes, I am aware (as a classicist) that one of the reasons why girls were married off so young in, e.g., Rome was because of much higher child mortality, so you wanted women to have as many children as possible while they were fertile. And, of course, people didn't live as long in general as we do. And I'm certainly *not* advocating having 35 year old men marrying 14 year old girls! But I think that in the general practice of having older men marrying younger women there was at least, to a certain extent, a recognition of the fact that, on the one hand, a woman's fertility doesn't last forever; but on the other hand, the parents need to have some economic stability to start out with, which is why men got married when they were older and a bit more established.

Happy birthday, AnotherBeliever! DITTO!!! (you can't believe how long I've waited to say that) You can have it all Another Believer. You just can't have as much of every ingredient. It's like I've explained to my kids. There's only so much you. If you want to give more to one thing you have to take it from other things. My son's birthday is Friday, thirty fours seems like just yesterday.

I am 27 now and when I think that my classmates' children are already studying at the same classrooms where we studied, i feel myself like a very old maid. I fell in love hundred times, always unrequited, but always with hope that someone would love me too and then maybe we will have children, but it never happened, this spring perhaps is first time i got tired and don't have any vivid hopes about marrige. Some people say that the wisest marriage is when people are not passionately in love, they say it is enough to marry without any passions when two people are sure that they both want children, have the same views about family life, the same cultural level and the same interests (let's say going to church), and i know there are young people who marry that way without fear or excessive reflections, just because their priest said to them -you reached age to marry. Maybe it is very easy and natural for those who lived in chastity inside themselves and whos imagination was not corrupted, but not for me. I'am afraid to marry in that way, having an unpleasant presentiment that if i would marry a good man i would spoil his life with my rotten character, i would torture him to death with my reflections, maybe i have such fears because my mother brought up two children alone, and i seen how it was hard when noone helps. In big happy families, where father respects mother, where children are like angels, i see big difference with our family , girls from such families are proud of being women, they know how to be a wife and they accept men's attention as natural, i could never clearly imagine being a wife, many years ago one woman observing her son and me playing toys said 'it would be very difficult for you to become a woman' it seemed without any reason. Maybe not all people are called for marriage. But when person is tired to fall in love and doesn't marry he can become an easy victim of instincts. From what priests say abot the matter is that there are only two acceptable ways in this world - either marriage or becoming a monk, the one should decide and choose AS SOONER AS POSSIBLE, because the third way is very slippery and dangerous. Being a doubtful Thomas, i have the way of a monk closed, so i have to go on slippery way. If i were married i would not put off having children.

Well, Masha, if it's something serious I can do the editing and deleting for you. I've done it a couple of times before for people who are faithful participants in this blog, and who posted something too personal that they regretted. Let me know at rdreher@dallasnews.com

"Harvey Lacey is a philosopher who lives in Wylie." That explains a lot.

Congratulations, Susan! How wonderful. I'm praying that you and your baby will stay healthy and see each other soon.

Susan, I apologize for thinking you were my age, I don't where I got that thought or I'd go back and put it in it's place. Congrats on your new baby. Embrace every moment. You'll never be any closer than you are right now. My mother used to say "you not only grew under my heart, you also grew in it." I'm blessed with a daughter and granddaughter that believe I can make or do anything. But all that I can do I can't do what them and you can, have a baby.

Susan -- As a 34 year old attorney who has yet to find a husband and worries about being able to have children as the clock ticks, your post has given me hope. So thank you and all the best with the baby.

Thanks to all for your kind words. I am so thrilled to have the supportive thoughts and prayers of people I have never met! Andrea--best wishes on finding the right husband, and having the family you long for.

I had my oldest son when I was 21 and I have to say I think that while the earlier route isn't for everyone, it is greatly undervalued as a reasonable option with very real positives to it. At 21 I was just finishing college and I wasn't really doing anything, so I was able to segue into parenting without giving anything (like a career, exciting social life, affluence etc) up. It was all gain to me. I was also still young enough to be very flexable and adjust to the needs of a completely unreasonable infant. Like most people, I find that as I get older, I'm more set in my ways a less willing to "wing it" than I was when I was younger. I'm with Rod that overall, our freedom to choose what is best for us is a good thing. However, I think that many people don't realize how society has narrowed potentially good options from which to choose down to "become independant, build your career, marry late, wait a few years to have kids, then whatever option you choose is just fine (unless you're college educated in which case you owe it to womanhood to stay in the workforce)." What we have today isn't all that much more freeing than what we had 50 years ago, it's just built around more self-serving ideas. I don't think I or anyone else is saying that we should be pressuring people into the marry/have kids young model, just that it's a model with real benefits which can and should be considered just as seriously as any other.

I was brought up in the heart of the feminist era and no one ever told me about womanhood, femninity, family, marrige, children, nothing. I took it all for granted and drifted along until it was too late and now I so wish I had known about all these things in my teens , married young, had children young and saved grad school for after children. Unfortunately, there were no wise elders in my life to talk to and my parents said nothing. I love them, but they seriously neglected their responsibilites.My health has declined so badly after 38 that I wouldn't have have children now even if I could. I would have much preferred being less educated and having less money but happily married with kids than having children late.