If you take your faith seriously as a Christian, you almost certainly will only want to date people who share your commitment to faith. It was that way with me, after my conversion. I was usually attracted to women who, as it turned out, didn't share my faith, but I had enough sense by then to realize that if I didn't share commitment to bedrock values with my spouse, that our marriage would be built on shaky ground -- especially when kids came along. I'm not saying a mixed marriage (e.g., one person a believer, the other not; or two believers of different faiths) can't work, but the odds are stacked against those couples.
Anyway, I was talking not long ago to a Christian friend who is not married, and wishes she were. She's smart, attractive, a bright conversationalist, fun, professionally accomplished -- so what's the deal? I know more than a few women like her, but also more than a few men.
What's the deal?
As she put it (and I've heard this before), the problem is Christian men. Those men who are serious about their faith tend to be too caught up in their own ideals to look at the women right in front of them. And they're too fraidy-cat to make a move; it's as if they expect God to open the heavens and shine a heavenly light on the woman meant for them. And, she said, they tend to see smart women as a threat.
That's one woman's story. I'm not taking sides here, I'm just reporting. And again, I've heard the same variation on this story too many times to discount it.
From a male point of view, I seem to recall from my own single Christian male past (Deo gratias, 10 years behind me!) that the problem I had was that the women who were most interesting to me intellectually and otherwise didn't take the faith seriously, and those who took the faith seriously had pretty narrow intellectual and cultural interests. (I knew a few Christian women who were both faithful and otherwise engaging, but either we didn't have chemistry, or they were dating other guys). I'm not sure how common that is in the Christian male experience, but it's what kept my dating life pretty dull for a while (that, and the fact that I work in an overwhelmingly secular profession, and during my single life attended churches where you had no idea who believed what, and anyway, nobody stuck around after mass to talk to each other).
My questions to you single Christian readers: what's wrong with the Christian dating scene? Why is it apparently so difficult for committed believers to find each other? What could the church be doing better for its members in this regard? Women, how should men change? Men, how should women change? To what extent are the problems our kind have with courtship particular to Christianity, and to what extent are they general in the culture? [I ask that last one because I didn't notice that my secular friends were having much more success getting married, though they were having lots more sex, naturally.]
Religious believers from other traditions, please feel free to talk about your own experiences within your tradition.
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interesting topic. I see a lot of catholics here, but I'm Protestant. Thats not a big deal though; if you believe you believe, regardless of your denomination. anyways, my opinion on dating:
The problem is that Christianity currently has all of God-made natural sexual attraction backwards.
Women are attracted to men primarily based on their personality, how he can make her "feel." Emotions are the most important thing for a woman. If you can't make her FEEL attraction, you're screwed. The problem with Christian menare that they're too "nice." We (I'm a 23 year old guy) are brought up with a "gentle Jesus" picture, and are told to be really nice. We shouldn't be confrontational or mean. We shouldn't think that sexual desire is natural (I know it should wait for marriage, but it shouldn't be shunned! Not all Christians are ignorant about that). We shouldn't actively pursue anything in life, we should "wait on God" to bring it to you. Christian men today are very passive and feminine. I see all these Christian women complaining about finding a Christian man, and they have all these "nice guys" in front of them. Problem is, women aren't attracted to "nice guys"! So a woman might have 5 really close Christian male friends who are single, but she won't date any of them. A woman wants a man, not a female friend with a penis. So she'll settle for a more edgy secular guy who has "morals."
Also, Christian women need to realize, men base attraction primarily on physical attraction. The obesity rates in the church are way higher than secular society. When I ask fat Christian friends about it, they say "a guy/girl should love me for me, not for how I look." Sorry ladies, GOD created PHYSICAL ATTRACTION. You have to accept this. We're not asking you to be super models. Just get to a healthy weight, wear nice clothes.
And the church shouldn't view men as "not waiting on God" when they pursue a woman. My brother lives in DC and is 26, masters degree, good career, very good looking, and looking to be married. He's heavily involved in a 20's-30's ministry with tons of singles there, with thousands of people meeting every Saturday, and he's made tons of friends through it both male and female. But he's had 0 dates. There's very rarely any couples that get together. If you date one person, you have to basically stick with them... if you date someone, break up, and start dating someone else you're viewed as a "player" so to speak.
I'm very annoyed with Christian dating. We're supposed to be the 'group' that supports family and relationships the most, yet we're doing the worst out of all society. I've never seen such a group of lonely 30 year olds before. And saying "singleness is a gift from God" doesn't ease their hearts at all.
I think the first step in correcting the problem is getting rid of feminine men.
I met my 7-year "partner" on a regular dating website and our spirituality is very different. He had a bad experience with church as a teen and is what I would define as more "new age."
While I'm Christian (studying for ordination), I'm not fundamentalist and believe much of what Catholicism teaches without the strong male hierarchy. Women were seen as having great value by Christ. Much of the traditional sexism in the church is related to interpretation, not God-ordained truth.
Anyway, there are major struggles in any relationship where the two people are not spiritually like-minded. You don't have to be on the same page, but you will be better able to fulfill G-d's plans for your lives if you are at least in the same chapter.
While opposites may attract, compatible people will have more satisfying, purpose-filled lives. So walk softly and carry your morals and values with you ALWAYS. Be willing to develop satisfying frinedships. There's way too much pressure in the Christian community to get married. Seek G-d's purpose in your life, the mate will follow if that's part of The Plan.
I'm Muslim and I feel sorry for people in this predicament. Muslims who want to marry have social structures that encourage and help them find a spouse. No Muslim who wishes to marry has to stay single. There's plenty of help in finding someone, from family, friends, clergy. The same is true in Indian culture among all religions.
However, in general American culture today, there are a lot of people complaining about how they can't find a good man/woman. Where are the social structures to bring those unhappy people together? Sure there are many just interested in playing the field but there are also certainly many who do want to settle down but are forced to do the job of finding a compatible partner all by themselves. Why is it so "not done" to place a personal advertisement seeking a spouse? Why does it have to involve a "relationship" first? Why do Americans insist on the chase first when what they really want is to get to the goal?
Hi!
Have you ever seen that bumper sticker that says, "Real Men Love God"? I believe that's true because Jesus is about love, to which there is no end. If you look at a real manly guy who is a good citizen and loves his family but does not acknowledge God, is he anymore feminine than a Christian guy? God is not passive but we sometimes make Him out to be because we don't read the Bible or have a chance to get involved in a Bible study either because we're too busy or we don't know about them (Campus Crusade for Christ is a good one if at college, find it, it meets somewhere on campus). Following Jesus is the hardest thing I've ever done and am I doing it perfectly, no, which hurts but not giving up leads to bigger and better things. Check out Paul formerly known as Saul in the Bible, a good example.
On dating, I've had several dating experiences both Christian and non-Christian. If you do all the physical stuff when meeting someone, you have a good chance of suppressing getting to know one another. As a Christian dating, my experience has lead me to think it would be best to get to know a girl/guy who's a Christian first, know what you're looking for in a mate, and treat her right, ask for strength from God. In my experience physical attraction is big but even bigger is how she treats you when with her, her friends, and family.
Is there such a thing that separates Christian dating from any other types of dating? Yes, there are numerous reasons why Christian dating is different from other forms of dating especially in the world of online dating.
desireemay
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