Earlier this year, I blogged about the moment in Robert Novak's memoir in which the conservative journalist, a non-observant Jew, turned toward Christianity. I took the blog down because I hadn't realized I wasn't supposed to blog on it so far in advance of publication, but I think it's worth putting back up now that the memoir, "The Prince of Darkness," has been published.
Novak talks about having gone to Syracuse University to deliver a lecture on October 22, 1996. At dinner, he saw a young woman sitting at a table across from him wearing a gold cross. He felt compelled to ask a question he wouldn't normally consider posing: Was she a Catholic? Novak recalled that she answered yes, and asked if he was one. He said no, but he'd been going to mass with his wife every Sunday for four years. The woman asked Novak if he planned to join the church. Novak said no, not now. He writes:
Then the young woman looked at me and said evenly: "Mr. Novak, life is short, but eternity is forever." I was so shaken by what she said that I could barely get through the rest of the dinner and my speech that night. Sometime during the short night before rising to catch a seven a.m. flight back to Washington, I became convinced that the Holy Spirit was speaking through this Syracuse student.
Two years later, Novak was baptized and received into the Catholic Church. His subsequent research turned up the fact that the young woman was a Russian Orthodox Christian named Barbara Plonisch.
This anecdote made me wonder about key moments in my life that turned me toward faith. I can think of two accidental ("accidental") epiphanies:
1. Pulling Thomas Merton's "The Seven Storey Mountain" off a friend's bookshelf one lazy summer day in 1985 ("Hmm, interesting title. What's a Seven Storey Mountain?") and walking into a new world of possibility.2. Leaving Free Speech Alley at LSU one Wednesday in 1986, shaken by hearing a Nietzsche admirer I sort of knew look at the sky and curse God. I thought that either the guy was guilty of nothing more than provocative theater, or he had put his immortal soul in danger. I had to know if God existed. I walked to the bookstore the next morning intending to buy something by C.S. Lewis, but instead found this incredible introduction to Kierkegaard. I remember finishing it in my bedroom at my mom and dad's house one weekend. I knew then for sure in my heart that God existed. That night, I dreamed I was flying.
Those were just small stages on my life's way, but they proved to be major milestones in retrospect.
How about you? Tell us about small epiphanies that led you to faith. I'm not looking for big conversion scenes. I'm looking for the little things, like what happened to Novak, that turned you toward God. Or, if you are no longer a believer of any sort, what small things led you to abandon your faith?
As with a previous thread, I would ask all who participate in this thread to refrain from criticizing the stories others tell. I'm not going to ride herd on folks, and I don't want to discourage questioning of others. But I don't want to see people cracking on others for their stories.
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If it is possible to call epiphany some particular moments which made me think about God's existance, there were some. Perhaps they are too banal.
1. First time- aged 13 or 14 i was sitting by the window at the second floor of our house (in the evening) and looking at piles of clouds and slunting beams coming from behind it, pile of clouds looked like a mysterious city, in the garden where many blossoming flowers and scent of wild roses reached balcony, i thought about paradise and that i m such lucky person to live in it -such beauty around and noone of my friends or relatives or even aquaintances ever died, i lived in the world where death existed only in books or TV and then thought about my grandfather who was about eighty and soon had to die, and looking at that city of clouds through hand i closed eyes and imagined that when i open eyes the it will look like hand of 90 years old woman, tried to persuade myself that life will pass the same quickly as closing and opening of eyes - the clouds will look the same, roses will smell the same and i will see the same tops of pines and birches, i thought that such beauty can't disappear and my grandfather will not disappear and perhaps we will meet after death. the city of clouds looked very material and it encouraged that thoughts
2. Second time - several years later-we visited cemetary one morning in May, also nature was blossoming, and suddenly we heard singing of psalms or something other religious, it seemed strange in deserted end of cemetary overgrown with trees, we went to the voice and seen an old priestat at one of the graves singing alone, he looked big and respectable, dressed in red-golden clothes (it was in closest weeks after Easter), he waved censer over the grave(the grave was old), he was completely absorbed by singing of that psalms or prayers and obviously did it with all his heart, bumble-bees flying around and birds singing, the whole picture was so beautiful and inspiring that i again thought about eternal life.
And third time was 2 years ago, when i first seen mountains. In moscow region landscape is either flat as chess-board or has small hills, i hadn't seen even big hills before going to Crimea, and i didn't expect mountains would impress me, after seing them on tv and on pictures, besides, by 25 i became very dry cynic. But when i seen big hills in in both windows of car it was such a joy that it was taking my breath away, and when car made several big turns suddenly appeared a view which almost made me cry- gigantic mountains and rocks and light blue sea looked simply unreal to me, i never expected that such beauty exists, i have been there again this year, tears didn't appear this time but still it brings to mind one psalm (i don't know it in english) about greatness of creation, there are words 'above mountains will stand waters' (it is frightening even to imagine how above mountains can be water)
That's really beautiful, Masha. Thank you.
Masha,
Slava Isusu Christu! Father Alexander Schmemann wrote that creation itself is a mysterion (sacrament), which can help us live in the grace (blagodat) of God. I, too, have had similar experiences.
Psalm 103 according to the Septuagint numbering, which is read or sung at the beginning of Orthodox Vespers, tells of water above the mountains. Water above the mountains is part of ancient Hebrew cosmology. (See Genesis 1.) We now know that such an understanding is scientifically inaccurate, but the psalmist's awe at the greatness of creation is valid anyway. Nobody's science is perfect, but God's grace is.
Earliest childhood: I was touched by the "Godliness" of our next door neighbors, wonderful people very devout to Mary, who got me saying the rosary with them at age 6 in the Legion of Mary, St. Luke's Church Erie PA. They really lived their faith, in a joyous beautiful way. And my mother's wide-open view of God's love, her gentle answers to all my distressed questions about whether the Jews, non-believers who lived decent lives, people not in their right mind who commit suicide, etc., were going to Hell.
Unfortunately, that early bloom faded. I experienced a sense of isolation from my peers as a result of feeling "too religious", and as a result remained reverent but determined to be as "cool" as I could and have friends. Sad, but true. I drifted along this way until college, when two things got me thinking more deeply about spiritual matters: the rather abrasive, confrontational atheism of the crowd in the university Honor's Program made me examine (and strengthen) my belief in God, and my growing despair over my homosexuality drove me to start praying harder.
Inspirations:
-- A trip to Europe and the opportunity to sing the Latin prayers of the Mass with a choir in Mont St. Michel and several other wonderful old churches. There was a powerful mystery and sense of connection to 2000 yrs of Christianity.
-- The Creation story in Tolkein's Silmarillion, where music of the angels based on themes laid out by God (Iluvatar or "The One" in Elvish :-) is the foundation for creation. One of the Ainur (the Lucifer equivalent) takes it into his mind to create music of his own in disharmony with God's and is joined by other angels, but as other angels join Lucifer and the music grows discordant, God introduces a 2nd theme that subverts the strongest parts of Lucifer's cacaphonous music into God's music. That God could take the evil born of our sinful nature and free will and transform it to fit His larger purpose had never occurred to me or been taught to me before. Later, in reading Julian of Norwich, I discovered this is not a radical (or new) idea.
-- I second whoever posted about Handel's Messiah bringing them closer to God. The glory of that music! "He Shall Feed His Flock" and "I Know That My Redeemer Liveth" ( particularly the line "although the worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God" ) just get me everytime. I find it hard not to cry.
Recovery:
---------
When I was 35, I finally came out to my family after years of lies and careful hiding/shadings, and I finally started tackling some personal demons I'd been carrying with me but couldn't address for fear of exposure. Bill W and Dr. Bob and all the recovering people who've together built the recovery community of today saved my soul, my spirituality and my life, quite frankly.
Reading:
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-- The books of Henri Nouwen really speak to me, particularly "The Prodigal Son" and "The Inner Voice of Love".
-- Merton's "New Seeds of Contemplation"
-- A little meditation book based on the writings of Julian of Norwich that my mother gave me.
-- The Spirituality of Imperfection (as a perfectionist par excellence, I need all the help I can get)
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