Lesson learned

I received the following e-mail this morning from a semi-regular poster, whom I'll identify if she gives me permission. I wanted to post it because I appreciate the wisdom here, and have learned from it (and yes, I must thank Daniel to for making what I now concede -- after a talk with my wife -- was a good and necessary point). Let me say I endorse this view wholeheartedly, and understand now the mistake I made in my initial approach. Thanks for helping me (and, I hope, each other) learn, people:

I am unable to post on your beliefnet blog anymore (my posts don't take for some reason) but I still do read and enjoy it regularly. I think you made some good points in your entry about the NY Times wedding dress piece.

I did, however, want to comment on how you said you would tell your daughter, if she were dressed suggestively, "you aren't going out looking like a slut."

To which Daniel replied:

Which she will hear as, "You are a slut." The moment a girl starts developing, she starts hearing comments about being a "slut" by the boys and girls around her. Being called a "slut" is one of the worst things for a teen girl to hear and her dad saying, "You aren't going out looking like a slut" will be heard in an entirely different way than your Southern upbringing intended it.

I just wanted to agree with Daniel. It's horrible to hear such a thing from your father, even if it's meant to be helpful advice. The utmost tact is called for in such situations, which admittedly can be hard to muster up when your child is being so blatantly inappropriate.

When I was 16, I tried to leave the house one afternoon wearing blue eyeliner (this was the '80s). It wasn't my habit to wear makeup, and I probably didn't do a very good of putting it on. My mother herself only wore lipstick on occasion, and I came from a family where loud clothing and makeup were frowned upon. I'm sure my face didn't look great leaving the house. . . anyhow, my dad took one look at me and told me to wash it off, adding, "You look like a 'show girl.' " That was his very proper way of saying I looked like a loose woman, a stripper, a slut, hooker. I should also add that I was wearing baggy-ish clothes at the time, a blazer over a pair of jeans and sweater.

Well, the effect his words had on me was devastating. I felt so angry and ashamed.

How much better it would have been if he'd sat me down and said "Sweetie, I know you don't want to hear this, but you need to know the impression you make with your appearance on boys and men who might not have your best interests at heart." He could have told me how people make judgements based on appearances, and how I could get potentially have gotten myself into bad situations through my naivete. Instead, what I heard him say, as Daniel said in his post, was "You look like a slut." It drove a wedge between us that lasted for some time. In fact, I still have my journal from that summer, in which I wrote, filled with tears, "Daddy said I look like a hooker."

All this to say, that you sound like a great father, and when your daughters do get to that age when you have to talk about such things with them, make sure they can hear the love in your voice as you try and teach them. Choose your words carefully. The confused and conflicting feelings that I had about my developing body back then I'm sure are only magnified for today's girls, who are growing up in such a hyper-sexualized environment. It can be an emotion-filled topic.