The [you know what] thread -- male version

Before we switch the slut discussion to sexually loose males, a couple of observations.

I think that much of the dispute has to do with the relative meaning of certain slang words. There are people who think any pejorative judgment made about the sexual morals of any other person are always and everywhere wrong. That's not most people. There are words I wouldn't use to describe a woman of loose morals: the C-word, for example, or "ho." I can't explain why; they're just extremely ugly to me. "Slut" is a mild word, to me and the people of my circles, a synonym for "skank" or "hooch." I think any real ugliness got taken out with the whole "Jane, you ignorant slut" thing, which resonates with we of a certain generation. It just doesn't seem like a serious word. Obviously that's not true for all people. It struck me as genuinely weird when one of you said that I was calling that trashy bride-to-be a "whore." What?! Was not! But it does seem that to some of you, the word means precisely that.

Well, what we've learned is that slang has imprecise meaning. I guess. I do find it interesting that people went to pieces over the use of the word "slut," but few people find any number of insults ("a--hole," "d--k," and so forth) of about the same level of crudity acceptable. Even if they wouldn't use the word themselves, they wouldn't freak out about it. That the word "slut" puts down women and female sexuality is what's at issue. Funny, but I've heard far more women use the word "slut" to describe other women than I've heard men do it.

Anyway, that's a good segue to part two of the discussion. A reader asked toward the end of that long thread if I would discuss my views of sexually loose males, in light of the fact that there is no real masculine analogue in colloquial English for "slut." It seems plain as to why that's the case: because sexually loose behavior in men has either been thought to be the way of the world, or in some cultures an example of masculine virtue. Me, I don't see it that way. I think it's a terrible thing that men benefit, if that's the word, from this double standard. It's not right, and I absolutely will not raise my sons to accept it.

The thing is, the double standard makes it harder for men who want to live by Christian standards of virtue. I became a serious Christian in my 20s, and changed my behavior (let the reader understand). Many of my friends weren't Christians, and while they respected my choice, I know more than a few of them thought I was pretty weird, that I must be gay, or have some sort of strange hang-up about sex. In fact, I only wanted to live like a Christian man should; I once was lost, but now was found, and knew I had to change my life, that I couldn't rationalize my old way of living.

Now that I have two sons of my own to raise, I'm at least as concerned about how I'm going to give them the spiritual and moral wherewithal to be sexually sane and healthy, according to Christian teaching. Time was a woman might have respected and been grateful for a man who wanted to treat her honorably, according to traditional standards. Now men get all kinds of mixed signals (just like women), and cannot count on having support or sympathy or help from women they might date. The loosening of moral standards around sex and sexuality has made dating a minefield for both men and women. If a boy were raised to believe sex was all about entertainment and pleasure, and had no higher meaning, well, we've created paradise for him -- and for girls who accept that sexual morality. But for a boy -- Christian, Jewish, Muslim, whatever -- who wants to live by the traditional moral code, it's a jungle.

Young women have one advantage young men do not: if young women choose to be sexually pure, they may be thought of as goody two-shoes, but most everybody respects them, deep down, whether they'll admit it or not. Especially boys. However, young men who try to be sexually pure are sent messages constantly from this culture that there is something wrong with them. How to counteract that, while making sure your sons understand that sexuality is a good thing, not a shameful thing, though it can be used shamefully, is a complicated task. But a necessary one.

A young man who behaves like a slut, skank, whatever, is unmanly and disgraceful, even if there is no good word in English for what he shows himself to be. That we live in a culture that honors, or at least winks at, such behavior in males is tragic, and it is my job as a husband and a father to resist it, and to help my sons do so too, to the best of my abilities.

UPDATE: What it fundamentally comes down to is whether or not there is any such thing as honor, and if so, whether it has anything to do with sexual behavior. I think the answer to both questions is "yes," and that it should apply equally to males and females.