People are still commenting on the thread about whether Silda Spitzer should stay with her lying, cheating husband, or leave him. This recent comment stopped me in my tracks:
I've been exactly where Silda is now. Literally standing beside my minister husband as he addressed the congregation about his sins (alcohol, money, women, etc.), with the same expression on my face that she wore, looking at my husband speaking generally along the same lines as her husband, apologizing but not sorry for anything, thinking that hopefully someone in the audience is seeing through this and maybe reading my expression ("I really don't want to be here").It really scares me to even look at footage of the couple because I feel as though I am reliving my nightmare.
I eventually left my husband after much soul searching and praying and trying my darnest to make it work. I took all the foul comments and mistreatment in private and all the blame that everything was my fault. To this day, one year later, some people still can't believe all those things were true about him, because he was such a charmer in public, but in private was a controlling manipulator. I found the strength and courage to leave a 24 year marriage in which the last five was a living horror.
I don't know if this is Silda's situation, but it sure smacks of it.
That guy is a narcissitic b., who doesn't care about anyone but himself and attaining power. He proves it if the statement is true that he insisted the hooker not use protection, putting everyone at risk.
I honestly believe she should leave, it will only get worse, and believe me the children will recover. I thought it would devastate my 17 year old with her trying to finish school, but she has actually blossomed, no more stomach aches and her skin cleared and hair grew. She was stressed out, but thinking as I was, that we couldn't possible make it on our own without the many favors and influences that my husband seem to have, so we just suffered through thinking it was best to stay together as a family.
My leaving did not split or destroy the family, it was split when my husband defiled the marriage bed with someone else along with the alcohol, and the family was destroyed when he called me names and touched me in abusive ways (shoving and choking).
I feel so sorry for Silda and her children, because he will recover and move on without looking back and Silda will have to rebuild from the ruins what he willfully built and then destroyed with his own hands. God help them.
(Sorry for rambling, but things are not always as they seem.)
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My mother never cheated, but she was an alcoholic and manic depressive. My parents divorced.
That divorce ruined me and my siblings, psychologically-speaking. It has taken me a long time to recover, to the extent that I can.
I wish my parents had stayed together. I can understand why some couples can't (especially in cases of adultery or abuse). But in my case, my life would have turned out very differently.
It is not a small thing to encourage any couple to divorce. Maybe in some cases the kids turn out okay, or even better than they would have been. But in many cases, the kids' insides are ripped out, with permanent damage.
Without any intent to second guess, those who assert that they were better or worse off after their parents divorced need to take a close look at that assertion: how do you know that? You didn't grow up in the other situation, and you simply have no way to determine what else might have happened if the divorce had not happened.
I was 13 when my parents divorced. I went through 2 years of being manipulated, scorned and scapegoated by my father during "visitation rights" outings with my father and younger siblings. OTOH, my mother never dated after the divorce, let alone remarried, and I clearly remember being jealous of my friends with fathers at home. I spent many adult years second-guessing my mother and myself to no good and significant bad results.
All I'm saying is that the main question should be: am I okay now? If not, what am I doing to get better? Certainly, the past has important input into both questions. But I personally see no benefit to "what if" thinking.
All these comments and every other comment on this subject show is that all anyone can do is project their own experience onto other people. No one knows for sure what goes on in the hearts and marriage of other people.
If past experience is any guide, all three of the principals here will get book contracts, so we may end up knowing far more than we'd like to but even then we will only know what they choose to make public, not what goes on when they are alone or alone with each other.
This woman reveals what I have already seen with regard to Ms. Spitzer, people blaming the victim, in part because they don't want to believe the truth about the person who caused the problem to start with. On a discussion board I have been on for several days someone accused Ms. Spitzer of being a wh... because she advised her husband initially not to resign. The person was "assuming" that she did not want to lose her position as First Lady of NY. It is amazing to me how consistant this 'blame the victim' reaction is in any case that is even remotely sexual in character. The idea that the 'wife drove her husband to a prostitute' because she was not fulfilling her 'wifely duty' is preposterous. This sort of thing happens regardless of the man's relationship with his wife. But standing next to him at his moment of revelation has the effect of branding her as a failed wife.
I agree with those who say the relationship between Spitzer and his wife is private and should not be the subject of public discussion. But, unfortunately, all the rest of this is in the public arena because he is a public servant and he violated public law. And she stood beside him on that podium. Whether that is the right thing to do or not is also a public discussion, newspapers are publishing articles on that very subject. Still, other than to assume that the wife is a victim in this matter, she should not be a topic of discussion other than expressing sympathy for her and others who are innocently hurt by this situation.
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