Party-going

Rod, if you come to my party, I promise to be nice to you. Even if I'm not having a party and you just showed up on the doorstep because you don't want to drink alone. Bring Julie and the kids. The same goes for the lot of yez. ; )

Thanks for the reminder, watsy. I think we all forget that from time to time.

The same principle applies with children misbehaving in public. Before kids, I simply assumed that all such behaviors were the result of bad or neglectful parenting. That's changed since I've had children, two of whom have developmental disabilities that often make it difficult to behave as we'd prefer.

The "everyone is fighting a battle" proverb is a tough thing to put into practice, but important to at least try. Pretty much every family we know is facing some serious stressor right now, mostly (thank God) economic. Though that's impossible to keep separate from everything else, obviously. Anxious times.

Great post.

I think the "polemics" versus "nice" is a bit of a false dichotomy, though. Polemics get a bad rap these days because justice has taken a back seat to individual freedom. "Nice" is in and "true" is out.

I bet well over 90% of the pain in modern culture is the product of bad ideas; most pain could have been walked around by merely accepting the first law of Buddhism that life is hard, dammit, and to give up trying to immanentize the eschaton.

Do these people who walk out of marriages really think they are going to find happiness somewhere out there? Happiness comes from within. What they think is out there, ain't out there.

Along a similar vein, I find that as I get older, I regret the things I thought about doing or trying (within reason, of course, Mr. Spitzer) and never did, much more than the things I did do and did wrong, even if they hurt me, or more importantly, others. The reason is, I can, and have, ask for forgiveness for my mistakes if need be, but in some cases I'm just never again going to get the chance to make the mistakes I might've found interesting or learned the most from.

It's all about cultivating the imagination, and seeing beyond and declining the reductive, schematic either-ors with which the loudest strains within your culture present you: you can go far by throwing your presumptive antagonists off guard with a little left-field jiu-jitsu, gonzo boundary-shattering theatrics, and, above all, the maintenance of a positive frame of mind and action when all about you attempt to suck the life out of every room they enter.

I recall an episode told me about an old college roommate, a 6'5", 225-lb. baseball-capped gentle giant of a man with flaming red hair, a childlike innocence and tender conscience who you'd want on your side in all weather fair or foul. Once, in a local bar in his working-class town, a disgruntled hard-luck case apparently recently laid off, tried, apropos of nothing, to goad him into a fight. My roommate, more in commiserating sorrow than in anger, and with unflappably quiet and benevolent strength, replied with a smile, "Whaddya wanna fight for - why not set a spell [yes - shades of Buddy Ebsen, y'hear? - Ed.] and have a beer?"

His would-be agonist was, as it were, disarmed.

I used to read the personals for amusement, and was often amazed at the attitude problem informing many of the ads [I'm talking women here, but those familiar with guys' ads, flip to suit]: "No drunks, druggies, deadbeats, perverts, losers, Mama's boys, perverts, or Republicans need apply. I'm sick and tired of dating frogs!"

Now, given that with such ads, the meter is running with every word, would you not rather expect to attract A-level prospects via your capacity to "accentuate the positive" in sketching those passions, however presumably odd to the majority, which make you most mad and glad to be alive, including a few of your own signal character strengths - rather than declaring yourself a Debbie Downer from the get-go? It worked for me, back in the day, but then I wasn't looking for the proverbial make-or-break, all-or-nothing pot of gold in such venues, just a friend or two with whom to engage ideas...

Many of my most cringe-worthy memories involve occasions when I allowed my political antagonisms to form sticks with which to beat others, at home or at work, who, frustratingly, had failed to "see the light" as I thought I had - one day with left-leaning agonists, the next with those on the right...with nothing to show for it but painful memories which may never fade...

About the only "political" shows I can stand to watch anymore are The Daily Show and The Colbert Report, which, for all the limitations of showbiz, find the humor in the humorless, and provide at the margins a platform for serious authors whose works explore general ideas often far outside the partisan cage...my only other audio/video media feeds come from world-music stations on satellite and online, and the occasional B/W classic on TCM...

When I read online, it's almost entirely science and health stories, odd-news items, human-interest and lifestyle pieces, first-person slices-of-life, and book and music reviews here and there - politics and political opinion maybe five percent. If I want media role models, I'll look to Einstein or Gandhi, and leave the Primarily-Political People (in Michael Blowhard's phrase) in our culture to their respective followings, some among whose number have recently acquired dictionaries...

It is better to suffer wrong than to commit wrong. - Socrates, The Gorgias of Plato.

Socrates, your new toga is *Gorgias*! - Testicles, Leer Eye For The Lyre Guy.

All things excellent are as difficult as they are rare. - Spinoza, Ethics.

The Three Rs - Ridin', Ropin' and Rodeo. - Spin and Marty, Mickey Mouse Club.

"No drunks, druggies, deadbeats, perverts, losers, Mama's boys, perverts, or Republicans need apply. I'm sick and tired of dating frogs!"

The ones from the opposite sex always throw in "slim, attractive, under 35, nonsmoker." They neglect to add, but one has to presume they intend it, "and sufficiently lacking in self-esteem to want to go out with me in spite of being slim, attractive, etc."

The problem with polemics is in the word itself: it makes everything a war, and those who are on the other side of an issue into enemies.

Rod, this is one of your most insightful posts. I agree with you entirely - after awhile, the arguing and polemics just get really wearying.

Do these people who walk out of marriages really think they are going to find happiness somewhere out there? Happiness comes from within. What they think is out there, ain't out there.

I think it depends on the people involved. There are many who have happy second marriages.

Life isn't simple. My father married my mother at a very young age. He didn't know at the time that she had been sexually abused for years by her father. This obviously left tremendous damage which he found out as their marriage progressed. She became manic-depressive (or of course she may have already been regardless of the childhood abuse), and an alcoholic. She never beat me, but she beat the crap out of my older brother.

The divorce was unpleasant, and custody of me and my three siblings went back and forth. Eventually all four of us were with Dad. I carried on a good relationship with my Mom, at a distance. Then she disappeared. Later it turned out she had been institutionalized.

Should my father have divorced her? I don't know. I'd like to think that if I were him, I would have stuck with such a wife and helped her through all her issues. I was very angry at my Dad for a long time, for throwing in the towel.

But he remarried a wonderful, remarkable woman, who has been a blessing to him, to me and my extended family. His second marriage has been a happy and healthy one. I can no longer hold it against him that he walked away from his disaster of a first marriage.

Kindness is key. An old professor of mine always made the point that if you were going to be a Christian polemicist and failed to act charitably. Your words were completely in vain.

Marriage is a complex thing. No two are alike. Stories of friends who've needlessly suffered abusive relationships come to mind. Never forget those girls who stay out of love for God and honoring commitment, but then get tortured by the idea of what is really best for their children in the long term. They're definitely not Mother Theresa happy in those situations. God bless them too.

Yet I'm finding that I'm coming to the age in which the idea of going to the party and being nice to everybody is sounding more and more appealing. Life is hard, and long.

Truer words have rarely been spoken. Life is too long and too hard to make matters worse by walking around mad all the time, especially about things that you can't really change. Like you, I'm appalled by a lot of what I read and hear about but there are too many things that require my energy and attention to spend time on things that I can do little, if anything, to ameliorate.

Also, the older I get the less I care about "changing the culture," if only because I doubt that it can be "changed." Instead, I'm concerned that Christians, starting with me, at least live as if there were an alternative to the nonsense and decay.

Besides there's a lot to be said for being nice to everybody. It's not as though there's a shortage of a**holes out there.

I didn't know that was you, Scurvy. I don't begrudge you your anger -- and I agree with you, actually. It's very, very easy to have rigid black-and-white standards for these things -- until you actually know what some people endure.

But we can't have a civil discussion here if we're reduced to calling each other names. That's my only point.

Timbo, I got the point of Rod's post. But even if we disagree, believe it or not, people can fully understand each other and yet disagree without ire or rancor. Well, some people.

treebeard, I can no longer hold it against him that he walked away: I know lots of people who are divorced, and I hold nothing against them. Not my job.

Sheilagh, a Christian polemicist...failed to act charitably. Thank God for people, Christian or otherwise, who took the time and trouble to tell me the truth, that I sure didn't want to hear. They certainly received nothing but scorn from all those "nice" people out there.

Scurvy, you're a loon. I never referred to you or your marriage at all. Warning: when challenged to a duel, I can pick the weapons, and will choose sledgehammers in six feet of water. If I'm just attacked, I use a 9mm.

As the culture of the West fades, the truth about marriage, children, and sex have become impossible to even acknowledge in polite company without a rage response. For this reason, even good men get tired and remain silent. Or, as Rod would say, compartmentalize.

The abusive-marriage theme is to divorce what the ectopic pregnancy theme is to abortion, sadly. No one blames an innocent spouse from separating from an abusive one, though the discussion of whether remarriage is possible in that situation will depend on the religious beliefs and church affiliation of the couple involved.

Nevertheless, the fact that some marriages may become abusive is always pointed to as justification for all divorce to continue; the situation Rod refers to, of a spouse simply deciding to find a new partner, is all too common and nearly always devastating to the rest of the family, and has little to do with abuse in most cases.

Suffering and pain are inevitable aspects of our lives here on Earth. But as Elizabeth points out, above, that fact should make us less willing to inflict pain on each other, not indifferent to the pain we cause.

I have wondered about the wisdom of applying Christian standards to non-Christians (or people of other faiths maybe) when it comes to marriage. If there are no children involved and a married couple is experiencing verbal abuse with one partner towards the other it may be better to divorce than keep a marriage going that has little chance of improving.

As to the general topic, I believe that if you are at all honest with yourself, you realize as you age that you have made many mistakes about people. Some of those misjudgments were harmful to other people, though most usually arent. I that context manners matter, especially the part where you dont snap judgments about people based on appearances or hearsay.

Steve

Steve makes a good point i have spent some time contemplating. Can you apply Christian standards to non-Christians, or, more commonly, to people who are Christian in name but not actively so, or committeed to being so?
It would seem to me that if two people in a marriage are divorcing, then at least one of them is not committed to Christian standards/behavior/commitments. In this respect, the other person is sort of an injured innocent party. I think if both of the parties in a marriage are commited Christians, they would never divorce. Am i wrong?

steve, I have wondered about the wisdom of applying Christian standards to non...nonwhen it comes to marriage.

I agree. That's why one must put scare quotes around "marriage" today: sexual relations with personal caveats (we must be happy or it's over is today's standard) is not a marriage in the traditional Christian sense. More like going steady.

In other words, nobody really means "till death do us part" today, and the law is crystal clear about how it can be dissolved at will, so modern marriage is not really marriage as understood traditionally.

I think we need to work more on the front of end of marriage rather than the ending of marriage. Why not have the government do civil unions. If you want a church sanctioned marriage it would require some requirements to be determined by the church involved.

Steve

What does "operationalized" mean?

My, my, that little party sure didn't last long. The open house at my place still stands, but please be aware that certain forms of "witnessing" may result in some guests being respectfully invited to visit the quiet room where they will have an opportunity for reflection. That's not really the same thing as being given a time-out, though I admit there's a superficial resemblance.

So for this post, Rod opposes rigid, black-and-white standards. Until the next person wants to wear the wrong kind of wedding dress or paints the wrong kind of picture.

Rawlins, yes and yes. Wise ones realize the foolishness of burning bridges - 'tis much better to have a deep Rolodex in business and personal relationships, especially when tough times hit.

I think that's why the painfully humiliated Eliot seemed to have no friends in the end in spite of his many opportunities to court them in his professional career. He unwisely placed no value in human beings.

"Why don't you ask yourself this the next time you call a woman you've never met and don't know except through a New York Times Style section article a "slut." In a loving way, of course."

Boy, Rod, this crowd is NEVER going to let you live that down. I have images of some CC reader serving time for child-murder thinking to himself, "Well, at least I never called anyone a SLUT."

Lord knows mdavid and I are not allies, and are in fact only tangentially on speaking terms. (And btw, I note he's changed the spelling of his name, post-Lent. I wonder if that's an austerity measure--a mortification of the virtual flesh of his avatar by depriving it of the underscore.) However, I must point out that he does seem to have the whip hand of Rod and other apologists here.

My view of marriage is merely that of the Church. Indeed. This seems, as far as I can tell, to be accurate. Rod can't call it "distorted" or "merciless." But I can, and do. : ) The official Church, being obsessed with PR, has a need to make their position seem all nicey-nice, without mitigating a jot of its essential distortion and mercilessness. Mdavid provides a service by just putting it out there, stripped of its doilies and ribbons.

(Tangentially, I wonder if he thinks annulment is okay. I believe he has to, since the Pope and bishops have seen fit to allow it. But I would guess he thinks it's being misused by those gosh-darn liberals. Just a guess, of course. Perhaps he'll see fit to blowtorch my idle speculations with the white-hot flame of his Truth.)

I hope, for my own selfish reasons, that he'll bulldog the argument. Tell Rod off, point out his errors, sneer a bit more. It would be so much fun to see him put out on the step with those who shall remain nameless. Yummy! I can taste the popcorn already.