Eddie the Love Bug
Tuesday May 27, 2008
Categories: Not the Onion
Via Mark Shea comes news of a Washington man who has a fetish for cars. A real fetish. Excerpt: Edward Smith, who lives with his current "girlfriend" – a white Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, insisted that he was not "sick"...
Add to Del.icio.us
Add to Technorati
Add to Digg
Add to Newsvine
Add to Facebook
Add to StumbleUpon
Advertisement
Advertisement
Search This Blog
Recent Posts
About Crunchy Con
Rod Dreher is an editorial columnist for the Dallas Morning News, and author of "Crunchy Cons" (Crown Forum), a nonfiction book about conservatives, most of them religious, whose faith and political convictions sometimes put them at odds with mainstream conservatives. The views expressed in this blog are his own.
Subscribe
Archives
Blogs Worth Reading
- Front Porch Republic
- The American Conservative
- Patrick Deneen
- Conventional Folly
- The American Scene
- First Things
- Andrew Sullivan
- The Plank
- Eunomia
- Get Religion
- Postmodern Conservative
- Alex Massie
- The Corner
- Contentions
- Sharon Astyk
- Barry Ritholtz
- The Oil Drum
- Mere Comments
- First Principles (ISI)
- Brian Kaller
Sex with cars?
I thought you were only supposed to have sex with motorcycles.
I guess I was wrong.
(However, sex with an 18-wheeler would be really, really perverted.)
Snicker.
Now all of the conservatives are going to worry that if it's OK for gays to marry, then it will be OK to marry your car.
The sky is falling! The sky is falling!
Which of them has the bigger problem , the guy who can not tell cars from people or the guy who can but prefers cars?
As long as he's not molesting any automobiles other than his own, and he's doing so behind closed garage doors... Who. Freaking. Cares? Seriously? Must be a slow news day.
Watsy: Snicker all you want. Its only a matter of time....
Watsy,
Can you explain why he shouldn't legally be allowed to marry his cars?
I'd advise him against trying anything unprotected with a Little Deuce Coupe:
You don't know what it's got...
And it goes without saying - or did until now - that for hot-rods like Eddie, taking on a ragtop is not a good idea...
"Can you explain why he shouldn't legally be allowed to marry his cars?"
I'm willing to bet they're under age.
Cars can't consent!
But what does the Bible say about it?
Reminds me of the SNL fake commercial for the "Mercury Mistress." Search for it on YouTube. So wrong, yet so funny.
"Cars can't consent!"
Bigot! Mechaniphobe!
(What's wrong with a little "auto-eroticism" anyway?)
"auto-eroticism" :^)
Max Schadenfreude - you win the prize! Rod should have thought of that for the title of his post.
Maybe they could get a Civic marriage to keep everyone happy.
The first person to make a joke about a Hummer gets shot! ;-)
*facepalm*
I really should have known better than to read this thread...
"He says that his most intense sexual experience was 'making love' to the helicopter from 1980s TV hit Airwolf."
[After "Love in an Elevator", Aerosmith]
Love with a helly-copter
Whirly bird me to the speed of sound
Love with a helly-copter
Dodgin' 'er blades when she's choppin' round
"he regularly spends time with...a 1973 Opal GT, named Cinnamon"
Opal sex with his Cinammon Girl.
"and 1993 Ford Ranger Splash, named Ginger."
We already determined, after all, that Eddie's not the Mary-Ann kind [although some of his dowager vehicles - aka Cougars - have been known to Howell a bit when they find themselves Thurston for a tension suspension]
"Before Vanilla, he had a five-year relationship with Victoria, a 1969 VW Beetle he bought from a family of Jehovah's Witnesses."
"Her" eponymous Secret thus might have followed her to the grave - had not the pair been witnessed *in flagrante delicto* all along The Watchtower...
"he confesses that many of the cars he has had sex with have belonged to strangers or car showrooms."
Gives a whole new meaning to that one-hit wonder "Vehicle" by The Ides of March, about the "Friendly stranger in the black sedan..."
"interviewed as part of a channel Five documentary into 'mechaphilia' "
Among the scenes filmed: the faithful bowing ritually toward Detroit, and the annual pilgrimage to which auto show is known officially as the Dajj...
"It's something that grew as a part of me when I was a kid and I could not shake it."
Perhaps the first and last time you'll see me write: Make Your Own Jokes.
"I just loved cute cars right from the beginning, but over the years it got stronger once I got into my teenage years and was my first having sexual urges."
Nothing special there - that's usually the time, after all, when auto-eroticism revs up [or so I have read - Ed.].
"There are moments way out in the middle of nowhere when I see a little car parked and I swear it needs loving."
[after "Dirty Work", Steely Dan]
When you need a bit of loving
'Cos your driver's gone away
That's the time I'll get you runnin'
Now it's Eddie's time to play -
I'm the fool to tool your body work
Oh, yeah...
"There have been certain cars that attracted me and I would wait until night time, creep up to them and just hug and kiss them."
[after "Midnight Cruiser", Steely Dan]
Tell me, where are you parkin'
Midnight cruiser
Where is your keyhole
And plugs for the sparkin'
I am another
Bent Madman Deuce'r
Drive me to Bedlam
Or somewhere more sane.
Hmm. You know the old saying "Whatever makes your boat float?"
Can sex with boats, i.e. water sports, be far behind?
um, I need the reporter to dedicate one line to the mechanics (honestly, no pun whatsoever intended) of sex with a car. Really, what the heck does that mean?
I'm with Jason: how does one have sex with a car?
You can have sex with anything. It may not have sex back with you, however.
There is a website, btw, about having sex with dolphins and how to tell if a dolphin is interested.
Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Jason's question, I suspect, was answered *in limine* by the standup comic I saw years ago, whose ex-pornstar roommate, working at a filling station, had to be let go when his flashbacks found him spraying customers' back windshields the moment their tanks approached Full...
I just hope that he waits until the tailpipe is cool!
No wonder cars look all the same these days. Limited gene pool, I suppose.
Kirk, more to point, can one covet one's neighbor's car without breaking the tenth commandment?
http://www.usccb.org/catechism/text/pt3sect2chpt2art10.htm
Or for those who prefer to skip the Magisterium and go straight to the source:
Matthew 6:21.
Yooze guys are becoming so prurient - lets focus on the way out of the morass, not on how much more icky its getting the longer we stay put!
The gospel *au Clare*: "lets focus on the way out of the morass..."
Heh - "morass": that's what *he* - and now *she* - said...
(...sigh...)
Rod, you know perfectly well that it's not judging this kind of behaviour to be unhealthy, disordered, or otherwise wrong that makes you a bigot, but incessantly mocking and ridiculing such unfortunate people, calling them "freaks" and "weirdos", and all the other nonsense you come out with.
If that isn't a perfecly disingenuous post, you have almost no self-awareness whatsoever.
And where would be the vehicular-humming side of those of us now straddling our fifth decade, and who recall the Bliss it was in that dawn to be alive, from Punk to post-, during the years 1977-1979, without such songs as "Driver's Seat" by Sniff 'n' the Tears
youtube.com/watch?v=JFwcmU6Ql0A
"Doing alright
A little jiving on a Saturday night
And come what may
Gonna dance the day away...
Driver's seat, oohoo, driver's seat, yeah"
and, of course, "Cars" by Gary Numan:
youtube.com/watch?v=rP2h16m8X1Y
"Here in my car
I feel safest of all
I can lock all my doors
It's the only way to live
In cars..."
And among big-name acts, The Cars, just to salute the most obvious.
Of course, not just rock and roll and cars, but auto-age pop music itself and its celebrated vehicles, have gone together from the outset: think back to the dawn of the C20, and "In My Merry Oldsmobile"...
Toro, if you can't call a poor b**tard who gets his amorous jollies via copulation with an automobile a weirdo and a freak, you can't call anybody a weirdo and a freak.
I'm all about protecting the weirdo brand. Use it or lose, baybee.
Then again, I must confess that there is a certain je ne sais quoi about a firm young Subaru.
If he had sex with a NASCAR vehicle and a demolition derby winner, would that be a mixed-race relationship?
Tell ya, some days Dreh-Rod seems to go out of his way to toss me fat pitches straight down the middle of the plate. I assume from that last comment Rod's referring to the 1977 novelty track "Making Love in a Subaru" by Damaskas, played then and since on his show by Dr. Demento, and included in the latter's compilation, Dr. Demento's Dementia Royale [Rhino, 1998]:
themadmusicarchive.com/song_details.aspx?SongID=245
M3U clip [00:45]:
themadmusicarchive.com/samples/d/a/Damaskas_-_Making_Love_In_A_Subaru.m3u
Rod, why the incessant *need* to call people weirdos and freaks?
It's dinstinctly uncharitable and - above all - unbiblical. Did Our Lord dismiss others in those terms, or did He upbraid His own followers for doing so? Did He ostracise those who were different, verbally or otherwise, or did He rebuke those who sought to, and tell them that the Kingdom was open to all?
In any case, you're ignoring the point I made. It's not that - as your post implies - people call you a bigot for regarding the unfortunate likes of Mr. Smith as disordered. People call you a bigot because you insist on continually calling attention to Mr. Smith and his fellows, to pointing at them and laughing, to mocking and deriding them and to stressing how far they fall short of *your* chosen way of life.
Well, Rod, that's many things. But one thing it isn't is Christian, and one thing it is is bigoted.
Toro,
I would beg to differ that Jesus said the Kingdom was available for all. Did He not say that the Kingdom is only open to all who would follow Him, and be like Him???
Do you believe this poor fellow's behavior is in line with Jesus' example?
Jesus had no problem condemning others. And there's nothing wrong with calling a spade a spade, or a freak a freak.
Polyamorous scandal, Bible style:
"...They were all with one Accord."
(Acts 2:1)
mm:
Once at church a lady had an ailment of some sort. She wanted us to pray for her, but her husband wanted to wait, as he said, "until we [got home and] were all in one accord." So, they got in my car for me to take them home, and she quipped: "Well, we're now in one accord" (our car was a Honda Accord), "so pray for me now." So we did, and she was healed of whatever was afflicting her.
Let's not even get started on limerics about classic cars like, ah... the Tucker.
And of course you remember the Queen song, "I'm in love with my car".
("Cars don't talk back they're just 4-wheel friends", I think it went).
Eric W you're making that up.
Andy said: Do you believe this poor fellow's behavior is in line with Jesus' example?
John 6:37 NIV
"Whoever comes to me I will never drive away."
Eric W you're making that up. - Posted by: mm | May 28, 2008 12:08 AM
No I am not. I can give you names and places. The church was New Creation Fellowship in Denton, TX, and the woman's name was Janae Terry and her husband's name was Joe Terry. It was a 1986 Honda Accord, champagne beige. We put nearly 200,000 miles on it before a woman hit it from behind and totaled it.
Well.
I guess that answers the nagging question, "Why tarry the wheels of his chariot?"
(Judges, 5. 28)
Eric -- does the name Teague McKamey mean anything to you? This thread is about to become a second-pager, so e-mail me privately if the answer is "yes" -- richardtenor (AT) gmail.com.
Richard
Richard - Yes. I just emailed you about it.
Post a Comment
By submitting these comments, I agree to the beliefnet.com terms of service, rules of conduct and privacy policy (the "agreements"). I understand and agree that any content I post is licensed to beliefnet.com and may be used by beliefnet.com in accordance with the agreements.