From the comments thread at Sharon Astyk's post about how to talk to kids about the fact that Daddy lost his job and life is going to be hard around here, this post from an American Indian named Lance:
(Caveat: I am Indian, so no scolding me about using the term "Indian"...that's what we call ourselves among ourselves).Long ago, when Indian boys were very small, 5 or 6 maybe, their Dads made them a little set of bow and arrows. They used these to practice hunting. When they got a squirrel, or a rabbit, or even a little bird, they would take it solemnly to Mom. Their first kill was celebrated, no matter how small it was, and they were praised as hunters for anything they brought in to feed the family. They were called "that MAN" when they did things like this, to build them up. And most importantly, ANYthing they brought in, the scrawniest little bird, a big deal was made about it, and right in front of everyone, the little morsel went right into the family cooking pot, alongside the deer or buffalo or anything else. It started that early, the work, the praise as men feeding the family. Yes, we men need that building up, from the earliest experiences. You would be surprised what proud words can do, or what the reverse can do to.
Now of course, little girls too were given miniatures of the tools they would use as women, would work alongside mom and grandma, learning to bead, to tan hides, making food, caring for the babies...this again from the age of 5 or 6. And they were also praised, and a big deal was made about the moccasins they made, and called "this WOMAN" even as a little girl when she did grownup work.
I contrast this with what I see when I see 18 year olds in this culture, doing horrible things, and people trying to keep them out of jail saying they didn't know any better, or they were so young. Doing terrible terrible things to each other. Unbelievable some of it. And all excused by parents, who want to be friends rather than parents. If parents built up kids from the earliest age, 2 or 3, saying how proud they were when the kid did something good, was kind, picked up toys, made a big deal, that would be something. Not ignore them when everything is going ok, or act inconsistent. And when kids do bad, shame them, be disappointed, call them a "baby." Give them a rattle or a bottle. But then praise them again when they do good and call them a MAN or a WOMAN. That was how it was in the old traditional days among our Indian people. Back in the old days, sometimes kids even had to fight to protect their families, go to war, life and death.
I am really sad when I see the homeless kids. No one told them to be a MAN or a WOMAN was to help the family, be courteous to strangers, have self-respect. They think being a man or woman only means to have sex, to talk vulgar, drink, be violent, nasty, do drugs. That's not being a man or a woman. That is just being crazy (although now to many "crazy" means something good) and ugly. Teens want to be thought of as adults, it is a major thing. So how has it come to mean "adult" means sex and vulgarity, while taking care of yourself and others is "lame." Our world is upside down.
The homeless teens need some place they can become adults and learn how to do it the right way. A place they can learn to rule themselves and make their way without all the insanity, with trustworthy adults to help guide as resources. But sadly, our culture doesn't give those opportunities, and so many times when they have teen communities, sick "adults" or other messed-up teens ruin every attempt that is made. Koyaanisqatsi is the word. "Life out of balance."
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I actually thought about Confirmation as I posted, although it's interesting we've got one guy saying it's perfect for that, and one guy saying it's not.
I have to say it's not a very good solution, especially as I was looking for some sort of societal-wide solution, not Catholic-only.
We really need society saying: This is where you have to start being responsible. You will live with your family for another five or six years, and can have plenty of fun, but you, as of now, are expected to behave as if you are an intelligent thinking person instead of a random child, and as long as you behave as such you will treated as such.
Incidentally, it is about this time that parents should stop saying 'Because I said so' as a reason to do something. That doesn't mean letting them do whatever they want if they disagree with your reason, the point is you should actually be able to give a good one to them, and be able to shoot down their objections. (Whereas parents do not need to reason with ten year olds.)
And we really need them saying that before or right at the start of puberty, at least for boys, so around 12-13. (We can do it with girls at the same time, but that, obviously, is later in relation to puberty.)
And, yes, responsible parents who actually think about this can make almost anything into such a transition. Like I said, simply having the children earn money to buy a nice jacket for themselves could turn into a rite of a passage with the right mindset. Or their own cell phone, or whatever. (Sadly, like I said, while 'car/drivers license' would be perfect for this, it happens too late.)
The problem is that a good deal of parents don't think about this, and thus we really need some sort of 'tradition' for it so it happens pretty much automatically.
Recently in a casual conversation with another mom, I mentioned off-handedly something about my five kids doing their chores. Now we live in a suburban-style house, dishwasher, all the trimmings. So when I talk about kids doing chores, I'm talking about taking turns unloading the dishwasher, setting the table, dry-mopping the crud under the dining table, picking up their rooms, folding laundry, and occasionally pitching in on larger cleaning jobs.
Her reply was, "I don't have my daughter do chores; her job is get straight A's." It would have sounded prideful to point out that my oldest daughter helps out around the house, is involved in as much after school activity as her daughter, and also gets straight A's, but I refrained. I only thought to myself, "Hoo boy, and who's going to take care of her when she grows up? If she lives on her own, who's going to be there to clean up after her while she's 'getting straight A's' at work? And if she's married, does that make it her husband's job to clean up after her?" Sure, she will probably rise to the occasion, but wouldn't it just be easier to teach her to take care of herself and her surroundings now?
Let me put in a plug for the Bar Mitzvah. Yes, it typically happens at 13 (12 or 12 1/2 for some girls). I don't think that's too early, at least not around here in Chicago, where choosing what color jacket to wear to one's middle school class can be a life-and-death decision. I do believe that kids should be encouraged to do meaningful, useful work, at home and in the community. And they should get introduced as early as possible to the idea of the stringencies of the adult world, and the permanence of the consequences of many of the casual decisions they are making. I spent many years teaching college English composition, including remedial classes. And what really drove me nuts was the large number of kids who simply paid no attention to deadlines and requirements, on the theory that if the teacher was really serious, she'd give them a chance to do it over and get it right. If she wasn't, she'd just disregard the noncompliances. There was no room in their behavior system for a rule that really meant what it said.
Has anyone else read the book, 'Raising a modern day knight'? It looked inspiring to me, especially regarding rituals of adulthood, but I've had no occasion to try any of its ideas.
While this may not be true for all Jewish denominations, certainly for Orthodox and Conservative Jews, the process of training for the rite of passage that is bar/bat mitzvah is one that begins very young - in early childhood. In order to have a bar mitzvah, children must become fluent in prayer in another language, have a full familiarity with the prayer service and its rituals, be able to read the Torah (Bible) in Hebrew (some denominations don't require comprehension, but ours does) and understand the moral context of their actions. I agree that a rite of passage is needed in our society at large, and probably in most religious faiths, but I do think it is a mistake to think that it is primarily about the rite - that is, it is about the process, the one that Lance described, that begins when children are very small, and continues until the day that they are able to take their place as adults. I don't disagree that the rite is necessary, but even more necessary is that we begin to parent in ways that lead to adulthood, and the ability to pass whatever rites we consider appropriate.
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