So, I get home from work early today, and see a chimney sweep on my neighbor's front porch, talking to her. I call out to him and ask him to come by and check our chimney out before we light the first fire of the autumn, which probably would have been tonight.
He comes by, sticks his flashlight into our chimney, and his jaw drops. "Look at this," he says to me. It was a mess in there. Don't know what happened to that old chimney in this past year, but the firebox was super-crumbly. There was a four-inch gap between the chimney and the house on the right side. I was gobsmacked by the sight.
"This is a major, major fire hazard," he said. And of course he's right. We'd had a little work done on the chimney last year, but the decay since we last lit a fire has really progressed. We went outside to look, and found a couple of holes that water must have poured into.
The soil in Dallas is very porous; you can make a fortune doing foundation work here. We've long known we couldn't get any work down on the chimney, should that ever be required, until we have our pier-and-beam foundation worked on. In other words, the house needs to be leveled. That's going to cost several thousand dollars. And the 94-year-old chimney, to make it safe and usable? The estimate is $3,200.
Did I mention that the old elm tree next to the house was recently diagnosed as in its final stages, and it'll cost $3,000 to have it safely removed?
I need a drink. Stupid damn recession, I have to drink blended Scotch now.
But I have to say, in all seriousness, it was a blessing to come home early enough to catch the chimney sweep as he was leaving the neighbor's. I told him I would almost certainly have lit a fire in the fireplace tonight.
"And we would have been seeing it on the evening news," he replied.
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Rachel: "I called an arborist..."
You might want to keep that to yourself, just in case you switch careers someday in deciding to test the electoral waters at a time when guerrilla seedling by rogue environmentalists becomes a wedge issue, viz.:
"Our opponent Rachel, though, is someone who sees America it seems as being so deforested that she’s palling around with arborists who would tree their own country."
Rachel: "I didn't think my captcha test would post; and Rod, I don't mind if you take it down."
Rod's enough of a sport to allow his Peanut Gallery free range of a sort envied by all but the most latitudinarian partridge in a poultry on its Day of Christmas, so until you break character and turn a real Richard-diminutive-head, fire away and fall back...
Sigaliris: "I think he has one of those little "Drink Me" bottles from Alice in Wonderland, and it makes weird and wonderful things happen. ; )"
I like to drink most while balancing my checkbook, and reveling in visions triggered by acid-reflux trips - to adapt Paul Newman to the bartender in Harper, I'm fiscadelic that way...
Christopher Mohr:
"Scott, that was brilliant!"
Mohr, please! And tell your emcee-namesake Jay I'm shopping around a spinoff concept after his standup/Survivor hybrid on NBC - mine would test endurance among gin-guzzlers, under the working title Last Tonic Standing...
Rachel: "Oh, I'm drinking pinot grigio..."
Pinot Grigio! I used to love him on Ed Sullivan!
tinyurl.com/5k9ham
Since I just stepped out of a cold shower and glanced sadly into the mirror, I'll be drinking, er, Penio Diminutio - giving a whole new meaning to Tiny URLs...
To Kevin with the Duplo:
When my youngest was 18 months old, she dropped my cousin's Razor cell into the toilet and flushed. It did go down, but got stuck in the S curve.
We had to take the toilet up to get it out. Sorry.
The only thing I can contribute is a recommendation for a reasonably priced single malt. My default Scotch is McClellands Islay, which is about $20 at Goody Goody. Now I know, Rod, that you are blessed (or cursed, maybe) with a much more sensitive palate than mine, so there's a risk that you'll consider McClellands the Gruet of single malts.
Good luck with the house! What a pain.
Just reading these posts has completely killed any desire I might have had *ever* to buy a house! I think I'm committed to being a lifelong renter. Of course, since I am a confirmed bachelor, it's probably a smart choice for other reasons. But there are a lot of single people who buy a house (though more women than men, I think), and I've occasionally had to fend off suggestions from well-meaning friends that I should take the plunge. No, thank you! I *like* just being able to call my landlord if there is anything wrong.
Thanks for a great LOL line of the day, week, month: "I need a drink. Stupid damn recession, I have to drink blended Scotch now." I always drink single malt myself when I can. I said something similar to my wife a week or so ago when hit with a similarly unexpected expense, whereupon I violated my lifelong policy of never drinking California wines because I prefer Australian. The California shiraz (which had all the body of Koolaid) was half the price of the Australian....This is all very bourgeois of course.
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